anticipating grief

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, jacqui8 said:

i am going day by day getting through thinking i got through that one.

I think that is the best that you can do, my dear ~ taking it one day at a time, doing your best to take it as it comes, and giving yourself credit by reminding yourself that you did, in fact, "get through" the waves of grief that have hit so far, which is solid evidence that you will get through the next ones too. You are strong enough to do this. You ARE doing this. Good for you. See In Grief: When Credit Is Due  ❤️

[jacqui8]

your words give me hope and comfort thank you so much ❤️

[kayc]

When you are going along, thinking you're doing okay and then it hits you afresh and you have a bad day with it, that's what we call the grief waves, they can come out of nowhere, often triggered by something you saw/heard/thought about.  They get less often the further out we go after our loss, but of course they can hit in the anticipatory stage as well.  Marty is right, you are doing well, it probably just doesn't feel it because the only thing you knew was your "normal" before any of this struck.  Forget normal, that's yesterday, now is what we have, look for good in every day, just a little bit even, it helps to embrace that, I'm talking very small things, like someone calling, a smile, a beautiful sunset, anything, it can all count as good, it helped me tremendously in learning to embrace what is good and not expect things to be as they once were.  Comparisons can be a joy robber.  It's hard to see anything when you're thick  in the throes of grief, it so overwhelms us.  Stay in the moment as much as you can.  

[jacqui8]

thank you so much, i understand, and i think i know what i have to try do to get through, your words of encouragement give me hope ❤️

[MartyT]

Jacqui, my dear, you might find this article helpful too: Anxiety Attacks in Grief: Tools for Coping

[jacqui8]

i will read that now thank you.

[kayc]

And OMG did I have anxiety!  But then I had GAD to start with, grief didn't help any!  I finally went on Buspirone (Buspar) lowest dose, it helped tremendously.  Of course I already pray, take regular walks, have a routine, etc. everything I know to do.  I haven't had a full blown attack since going on Rx in 2008.  Just trying to manage it...

[jacqui8]

Still trying to process what has happened is it real, still things to do, had 2 dreams about my dad since he passed. The feelings going on right now are that of a sadness, i feel subdued no anxiety which I dont need but it could come.

[jacqui8]

so here i am a week later i dont know how i made it through a week, i am sure if am posting in the right forum about what i wanted to ask or shall i continue on here, my dad is now in chapel of rest and we can go to see him my sister is going before me and going to tell me what to expect, i did hold my dad after he passed and got some comfort from this but am not sure about going to see him in chapel, is it comforting, anyone regret going.

[MartyT]

7 hours ago, jacqui8 said:

i dont know how i made it through a week, i am sure if am posting in the right forum about what i wanted to ask or shall i continue on here,

Now that your father has died, Jacqui, you might consider starting your own thread in the Loss of A Parent forum, as there you'll be with other bereaved adult children who can better relate to what you are experiencing now.

It's understandable that you may want to avoid altogether seeing your dad in chapel, that you may be afraid of how you are feeling, or that you may fear “falling apart” in front of others. In that case it may help to think of this as an opportunity for remembering and celebrating your dad’s life rather than his death.You know yourself better than anyone, and whether you'll find comfort in seeing your dad again this way is something only you can decide. Do whatever you can to prepare yourself (as you are doing already by learning from your sister what to expect), and think about what would add to your own comfort if you go (such as asking your sister or someone you trust to accompany you) ~ and by all means, give yourself permission to leave the scene if and when you feel a need to do so. ❤️

[kayc]

For me it helped to see their bodies (I've lost both parents, my husband, as well as niece, nephew, sister, grandparents, cousin, aunts, uncles, friends and many dogs & cats) to realize they are not there.  I believe their spirit still lives, it's their body that gave out and they are in their next realm, where I will be with them someday when my time here is done.

I hope it brings you some peace.  I know it's a hard realization to face, and my heart goes out to you as you are going through this.

[jacqui8]

i have decided to go, i hope it is the right decision.😔

[MartyT]

10 hours ago, jacqui8 said:

i hope it is the right decision.

I remember well a time in my life when I was faced with a challenging and life-altering decision, and I was afraid that whatever I decided to do, I might make the wrong decision. As I was struggling over what to do, a very wise man said something to me that I've never forgotten. He said, "There is no right or wrong decision. It is your attitude about whatever you decide to do that makes all the difference. If you decide that your decision is the right one, you will set about to do everything you can to make certain that it turns out to be the right decision." I took his words to heart, it gave me the courage to move forward, and I've been following his wise advice ever since. I wish the same for you ❤️

[jacqui8]

Oh thank you this helps so much it's a good quote to live by during our moments of indecision.

[kayc]

9 hours ago, MartyT said:

"There is no right or wrong decision. It is your attitude about whatever you decide to do that makes all the difference. If you decide that your decision is the right one, you will set about to do everything you can to make certain that it turns out to be the right decision."

Very good to keep in mind!

[BeckyRN]

I am new to this group .....not even sure how to navigate it.  My sister was diagnosed in 2018 with a rare and aggressive form of ovarian cancer.  Had years of chemo but as this form is rare, there is practically not research/clinical trials to address it.  She was recently told to consider hospice (in house).  I'm heartbroken .....cant stop crying (and I was already grieving since 2018) .  The grief overwhelms me....she is 5 years younger and I keep asking WHY WHY WHY???  My husband is supportive....has gotten used to see me crying out of the blue......emotional roller coaster I am.   Even reading the posts set me off.....not sure if this site will even help but I can't get the grief under control.  And when the time comes?  Jeez .  Her daughter is here , and my son, and we are all in this together (although I think my son is having a hard time as well but doesnt say)

Will try to get out today..maybe go to the gym . I'm a mess!

[kayc]

And that's to be expected!  I've been going through a lot with my sister, I'm so sorry!  I hope you continue to come here and read and post, it does help to get it out somewhere you know people get it & understand.  This place has been a huge help to me over the years...one loss after another.
Anticipatory Grief and Mourning
Anticipatory Grief and Mourning: Suggested Resources
And just in case you're still working...Anticipatory Grief at Work
Crying, cannot stop
Crying is healthy
Dosing Crying Time in Grief

[Brians Babe]

I lost my husband in December from cancer and my mother it’s in later stage dementia that I’m pretty sure is Lewy body. Every night I drive to the nursing home where she’s on hospice and feed her dinner. I’m trying to get her home with Medicaid but it seems like every single day she declined before my eyes. I’m so sad about her seeming like she’s gone already. I’m hoping this forum will help. 

[kayc]

21 hours ago, Brians Babe said:

I lost my husband in December from cancer and my mother it’s in later stage dementia that I’m pretty sure is Lewy body.

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, mine passed prematurely barely 51, 16 years ago.  My mom died of Lewy Body's seven years ago.  It's very hard..  Now I'm taking care of my disabled, half/blind, sister who also has dementia, progressing rapidly.  It's too much for me, I'm almost 69.  Please don't be afraid to get help as needed, this is beyond what one person can do. 
Dementia: Caregiving
If you care to message me your email address, I will email you an e-book on dementia that helped me a lot when going through it with my own mom.

I took care of my sweet MIL for three years when she was bedridden with cancer, I know how hard caregiving can be, I was younger then with babies.

My heart goes out to you.  I hope you will continue to come here and post, vent, cry, we want to be here for you.
I wrote this a few years ago, I hope it will aid you as you continue your grief journey.

Tips to Make Your Way through Grief

[MartyT]

There are dozens of resources "out there" that you may find helpful, and links to many of them are listed here ~ but if it seems like too much information, perhaps there is someone in your circle who can review this list for you: Caregiving in Alzheimer's and Dementia: Suggested Resources  ❤️