Boyfriend broke up with me after his mom died

[Missmirr]

My boyfriend’s mom died about a month ago now. She died in her sleep, it was completely unexpected, and he was the one who found her. I was there the night it happened, and I stayed with him and his dad (his dad is 87) for two weeks after. I helped them with chores, meals, and emotional support when needed. 
After that my boyfriend asked for space which is when I had a really tough time. I’m already depressed and have anxiety, so the request of him to have space really rocked me. We have only seen each other once since. I went over to his apartment (he’s packing it up to move in with his dad) and we just cuddled, watched movies, and were intimate with one another and it felt so normal. It was like my life made sense again. But since then it’s always communication and seeing each other only on his terms. We had plans to see each other again for the second time this week. When the subject of sex came up, I told him I wasn’t comfortable because it’s hard for me to separate sex from wanting to be completely back together with him and planning a future. That’s when things really went south. He got angry and said “we will be together one day and you just need to trust me” and I said that I was so sorry it’s just so tough to be some sort of halfway lover for you. For me it’s either friends or I’m thinking about how much I want to marry him one day. And it’s so tough to put it anywhere in between. 
Anyways he cut off all communication now and said he didn’t want to see me anymore and it’s not even because of the sex. 
I’m heart broken and feel like my life was just ripped apart. 
I also feel so beyond guilty and like the worst person ever because I wasn’t mentally and emotionally capable of being what he needed to be while he was grieving. In my mind I’ve completely failed him because I was selfish and couldn’t put my brain on pause about his and my future, which is obviously not his focus right now. 
I was hoping to feel not so alone by coming here and sharing my story. 

[kayc]

@Missmirr  I am so sorry you find yourself going through this, when it happened to me, it completely blindsided me!  We were engaged for a year when suddenly his mom was dying and he broke up with me by FedEx, without the benefit of a discussion.  

I want you to know that you did NOT fail him or do anything wrong!  This is about HIM, not you, and it's a classic grief response for some.  I've since figured I would want someone to go through thick and thin with me in life, not break up when things got hard (as they do for all of us) or when they suffered loss (as we all do eventually).  They pull back because they have nothing to give a relationship, and it could have been anyone and his response would have been the same.  I know it FEELS personal, because it so affects us personally, but that does not make us responsible for what happened.  My daughter had the same thing happen to her with a close friend when his dad died.

This is my story: Here I Go Again

Although it goes against our grain, I recommend a lengthy no contact period.  It does several things, it protects and clarifies things for us and allows healing to take place much quicker than it would be otherwise...kind of like ripping the bandage off rather than little by little.

While he's unable to think about the future right now, and it's not his focus, still, there's little excuse for the way in which he did this and the way he lashed out at you.  However, that's often what grievers do, they can feel angry about their loss and often can take it out on those they feel safest/closest to.  Doesn't make it right, just a fact of life.

Wishing you some comfort and peace, I hope you have a good support system that isn't there to judge him, but to understand what you are going through and care...some distracting from your pain couldn't hurt either!

[BaxterBurg]

Hello Missmirr,

I'm so so sorry about the situation you find yourself in. Like Kayc, I've gone through it too: My gf of 5 months broke things off while I was doing everything I could to support her. Similar to your story, my gf would often take her anger out on me. For over a month she became incredibly distant with me, and she would often yell at me for insignificant things. Trust me, this is not your fault, and do not take his treatment of you personally.  I struggled with blaming myself for months over what happened, especially because everything she said made it seem so personal. Don't blame yourself for wanting love either, I know how incredibly difficult and painful it is to be in a relationship with someone who's distant like that. I wanted to marry my gf too, I loved her dearly, but sadly some people react to grief this way. 

 Kayc's recommendation of No Contact is a wise one and comes from experience; I should have followed it initially, but chose not to--staying in contact severely delayed my healing. Do what you think is best, but just know that any form of contact is only going to keep the wound fresh. When I reached out to her after 32 days, the wounds re-opened and its like we had broken up again--I had to restart the healing process. I thought I would never recover from this experience, but today I can say that it doesn't hurt me anymore.

I hope everything works out for you. I find its best to repeat the sentence "everything that happens, happens for good" daily. Take care.

 

"Another man was already cured: being near harmed him:

he couldn't bear any meeting with his mistress.

The wound, poorly healed, reopened at the old scar,

and not one of my arts had the least success.

Houses are barely defended from a neighbouring fire:

its best to keep away from places nearby." -Ovid, in Remedia Amoris.

[Missmirr]

Thank you both for your responses. What I’m having so much trouble with is that I feel like I made it about me when he’s going through so much. I wanted answers for what we were and what our plans were. We had planned on moving in together this fall- so when that was obviously not going to happen because his dad will need his help now (meaning he will need to live with his dad now) I just immediately asked him for answers. But that was so selfish of me to be asking him questions about our relationship when he just found his mom unexpectedly dead. I can’t seem to forgive myself for focusing on us when it wasn’t the time to. And I also wonder if I had just not even brought up those questions if him and I would still be together. 

[BaxterBurg]

29 minutes ago, Missmirr said:

Thank you both for your responses. What I’m having so much trouble with is that I feel like I made it about me when he’s going through so much. I wanted answers for what we were and what our plans were. We had planned on moving in together this fall- so when that was obviously not going to happen because his dad will need his help now (meaning he will need to live with his dad now) I just immediately asked him for answers. But that was so selfish of me to be asking him questions about our relationship when he just found his mom unexpectedly dead. I can’t seem to forgive myself for focusing on us when it wasn’t the time to. And I also wonder if I had just not even brought up those questions if him and I would still be together. 

Don't be so hard on yourself @Missmirr, having someone pull away from a relationship is very hard to deal with too, and it's only natural that these questions would arise. My ex and I had plans to move out in the not so near future as well, but once grief struck that all changed and she broke up with me. I doubt that anything you would have done would have changed anything; and its normal to self criticize and pick apart every little thing that could have been a mistake--I did this for months. Was it because I asked her why there was distance? Is because I talked about politics while she was grieving? I went through it all. But punishing yourself does nothing to change your situation, it just keeps you hurting. You MUST forgive yourself for any mistakes you think you may have made. Trust me! The situation you were put in is difficult for anyone to handle; I had no idea how to treat the situation, nor did I understand what she was experiencing. But we both did our best to be there for them with the information we had, and it sounds like your bf reacted as mine did by getting angry and dropping the relationship.

Treat yourself the way would someone you loved, be understanding and self compassionate. But trust me, I understand how you feel, and I am very sorry.

 

Take care.

[CommanderCody]

7 hours ago, Missmirr said:

And I also wonder if I had just not even brought up those questions if him and I would still be together.

If it makes you feel any better, I practically did the same thing to my past relationship. When I couldn't hold on to my feelings anymore, I talked to her and told her that I don't feel important anymore to her and I showed a tear while saying that (I told her this personally). Later that day she asked me if we could talk on video call which we did and we discussed our relationship that led to our break up. The following morning we worked out the relationship and I agreed to her terms of " No label, no promises" she set those terms because she feels like if she promises then breaks it in the end, it's not a promise to begin with. We worked out the relationship for 3 months but it failed. 

I too killed myself with all of those "what ifs" thinking that if I did things different, maybe things wouldve change - but thats not the case. I was constantly anxious before, I was randomly crying for almost every day. You could read my forum to see how badly hurt I was 6 months ago. 

7 months later, here I am, a much better person than who I was after the break up. I've finally healed and more positive about my future. 

Point is your break up is still fresh and you're pretty much in the getting-him-back phase but he broke it off with you. Do whatever you think is necessary for you but consider the consequences for your actions. Once you have finally have a clearer mind, you can take the time to choose yourself and move forward with your life. 

[Alisa]

Good morning,

I am a newby here on the site and am reaching out in hopes of some clarity.  I have been reading the posts and it just all seems to clear when we read the trials of others, but when we are in the thick of it ...  all seems so cloudy and confusing.  I'm going to make my story brief and will anxiously await responses which I hope will provide some comfort.  

After a 20 year marriage and a couple unsuccessful relationships I found myself in a relationship with a younger man. I initially rejected the idea, however, after much pushing and convincing from him I decided to relax and just let fate take its course. We both had a much different course in life, however, I was not and am not judgmental and am a true nurturer so when he moved in I was not concerned but a bit swept off my feet thinking "how romantic".  He ended his job selling used cars saying it was a dead end job and I was happy to support his choice both emotionally and financially suggesting he take the time to build a "career".  Prior to moving in with me he had been living at home with his mom and did not have transportation. We began sharing my car until I purchased a second car.  Unfortunately, he had accidents with both leaving us with one car again and still no progress towards a job or career.  He played video games all night and slept all day while I supported him and his "habits" and went to work every day.  I began to see him blaming me for his lack of forward movement for some reason and tensions grew along with arguments and periods of great silence. He said he never asked for money but I paid for everything and never asked for him to participate.  I was close with his mom and also some of his family and they were very supportive of me with him and often said he had really changed for the better.  As I began to question and suggest he developed a cold side and very sharp edge with me. Right up to the end I paid for everything and bought him new phones along with other things.  He began to say he needed a car of his own and wanted me to buy it.  At this point he had been moving in and out after our fights but also returned. I did not feel comfortable buying a car for a man who didn't even live with me or made any commitment.  He said I was selfish only thinking of myself and how could I ask him for a "normal relationship" when I couldn't even get him a car.  We continued to see each other off and on and he would disappear for days and weeks sometimes.

Suddenly his mom got sick and I began to help with her situation with doctors and getting her supplies, etc. until one night he calls me up and tells me his mother passed away two days ago. I was shocked and hurt he didn't even reach out to me. He hung up quickly and when I reached out again he rejected my offer for support and help and essentially "dumped me".  Of course I craved answers and wondered if maybe now he might have some money and the house she owned and just didn't need me any more. I just needed answers and I knew that wouldn't happen. He never choose to converse he just shut down most of the time. Oddly enough, a week after the death I get a text with pictures of his tax papers and not words, however, I knew he was wanting me to do his taxes... we had discussed this a couple weeks prior.  What a strange thing to do... ask a girl you broke up with to do your taxes... I thought.  Then many hours later he text thank you.  I have stopped reaching out to him and I just replied "you are welcome" where I usually would begin "begging" for resolution.

Now, of course, I have begun to build in my mind maybe I didn't do enough and maybe if I had bought that car for him things would be different. I ask the same questions we all ask... why no closure and why cut out of your life during a time of sorrow a person who loves you and you are suppose to love? Needless to say days and nights are painful and truly taking a toll on me.

I'd love some input because as you can imagine I now am beginning to doubt myself and my actions.  It is always so much easier to see clearly when it isn't happening directly to you.

Alisa

[kayc]

9 hours ago, Missmirr said:

What I’m having so much trouble with is that I feel like I made it about me when he’s going through so much.

And right now you are going through no less.  Forgive yourself.  All we can do is learn from our new experiences.  You are grieving the loss of his companionship, your relationship, your friendship with him!  Yes, he is going through much, but that doesn't detract from what he's putting you through in the least.  You are BOTH suffering, there is no comparison between grief/loss, only caring...and you do care.

We have to make our own closure in absence of their giving us one.  Usually they do not give nice neat closure when they leave a relationship (or with death either, for that matter!), so in lieu of answers, it's up to us to figure out what is, and bring ourselves resolution in time.  This is all a process, not short and simple or neat and tidy.  We do our best.

1 hour ago, Alisa said:

It is always so much easier to see clearly when it isn't happening directly to you.

It is also easier to have clarification the further out when get, when we've had no contact for a few months.  While we may not understand or agree with what happen, we can come to realize that it "is" and respect their decision and try to make our lives into something good, even in their absence, learning through the experiences we go through.  Nothing is a waste.  We have all kinds of feelings, learning to deal with them is the best we can do, not discounting them, but accepting that they are what they are, neither right or wrong, just feelings, even valid to have even while at odds with each other!

Allow yourself the vantage point of time and you will see more clearly.

[kayc]

5 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I too killed myself with all of those "what ifs" thinking that if I did things different, maybe things wouldve change - but thats not the case.

This is a common grief response, we go through all of the "what ifs" in an effort to find a different possible outcome, only to find that there is none but the one that happened.  What ifs are our way of trying to find a solution to something that really has none.  At least none we find palatable.  

[kayc]

@Alisa, I almost missed your post sandwiched into this thread, but am glad I saw/read it.  I will be blunt, as an outsider looking in, it seems clear to me that he is at best, immature & a user, at worst, possibly a narcissist.  Either way, not relationship material.  You gave and gave and gave and gave to the point of it being unhealthy for you.  What did he give in return?  Not much!  That he broke off with you and then wanted you to do his taxes?!!!  NO!!!  No more.  Let him go.  Your life is better off.  

One thing that really concerns me, and I speak of myself when I was younger and before I learned, that perhaps you feel you NEED a relationship to be whole?  No!  You are valuable and wonderful in and of yourself!  You need NO ONE to "complete you!"  Please give yourself the gift of time to heal, ALONE and if the "right one" comes along eventually you will be in a more ready place for it.  It should be give and take though, not you doing all of the giving!  It being one-sided can only last for a time.  Granted, we all go through things in life, physical challenges, losses, hardships, and at that time one person sometimes carries the load, but it should not be forever.  

I have been very blunt here, and I know your first instinct is to reject it, but please consider it sage advice that has been hard-come-by and learned.  It is okay to have high standards and very good to know what your "criteria" is...in the last ten plus years I have only known one man who "fits my criteria!"  And that is not only okay but to be desired.  You can't set the bar too high, IMO, especially if you've been through bad relationships.

Sending you thoughts of comfort and peace and hopes for a better future.

[Missmirr]

Thank you so much for your support, @kayc. Your responses have given me an unbelievable amount of peace during this time. 

[Alisa]

Thank you so much!!!!!!!  I absolutely love the "no sugar coating" concept.  I am a grown woman and appreciate honesty even if it hurts.  I hope I am typing in the correct places... LOL. l am new to this forum concept so thank you for finding me and replying.  I have no real support structure so this is such a blessing for me even though we truly don't know each other.  Also, I am fully aware I am not perfect so I recognize my short comings in a relationship and always try to improve. I just couldn't seem to do enough and even all I did provide was always wiped away if I had to say no to something.  It is just so hard not to begin to second guess yourself as time passes and wonder "what if"...  what if I had bought that car for him... again and would we be together or would he have driven off into the sunset.  Anyway... I don't measure love based on material possessions but he did.  He felt there was a direct relationship between them.  I also agree time to heal is critical. I truly appreciate your kind words as well and have already read and reread your message and know I will return to it often for support when I feel weak.  

Thank you again for your kindness and I will work on your advice as I feel that will propel me into a better place.

Peace and love...

Alisa

[MartyT]

Alisa, my dear, for what it's worth, I just wanted to add my voice to Kay's in offering you support as you come to terms with this failed relationship. It seems to me that this man was looking not for a partner but for another woman who is willing to mother him. I hope you will let go of any doubt you have about refusing to buy a car for him. Remember what happened the first time when you provided him with a car: 

5 hours ago, Alisa said:

Prior to moving in with me he had been living at home with his mom and did not have transportation. We began sharing my car until I purchased a second car.  Unfortunately, he had accidents with both leaving us with one car again

He's already demonstrated how little he values your property and your generosity. The person you described in your post is immature, lazy, irresponsible, disrespectful and shallow. You deserve so much more than that! ❤️

[Alisa]

MartyT...  your words mean a great deal to me.  Thank you for taking the time to share your expertise and your compassion.  Your input truly helps me as I find my way out of this mess and hopefully emerge a whole woman again to enjoy life. I agree that he needed "things" and I was the provider but those things were not love and dedication but money and transportation and a roof over his head so he could get out from under his mother's roof.  I also agree that he had no respect for my contributions because he never uttered an apology after destroying cars and furniture and using my money to support his bad habits while he sat home and slept all day and played video games all night, gambled, drank, etc.

I see you are a grief counselor so I hope it's ok that I ask this question...   I am struggling a bit of resentment. While his mother and himself were recipients of welfare and food stamps and neither of them either worked she had her house she lived in for 40 years and possibly money stashed and/or life insurance and now he will benefit from it all and be able to live carefree with no responsibilities and I have to pick up the pieces both financially and emotionally.  I am blessed to be able to have a great teaching career but yet I feel this resentment.  I don't like feeling this way.   How do I move past this horrible mindset?

Peace and love...

Alisa

[MartyT]

Alisa, my dear, the resentment you feel is understandable ~ and certainly justified in light of how this man has behaved toward you. After all, you've worked hard and you've done your best to live a good and decent life ~ while these two seem to have sailed through life taking advantage of all "the system" had to offer them. I think it's only human for you to feel as you do, and I hope you will allow yourself those feelings. Oftentimes it takes more energy to deny our feelings than it does to acknowledge them and think about what's causing them. Once we acknowledge what we are feeling and why we're feeling that way, we're in a better position to evaluate it and decide what, if anything, we need to do with it. Bear in mind that while we cannot control what we feel, we do have control over what we DO with what we are feeling.

I invite you to read these two articles, as they both address the matter of feelings: Is Anger One of the Stages of Grief? and In Grief: Acknowledging Jealousy and Anger

[Alisa]

Beautifully put MartyT and thank you for replying to my questions.  It is definitely zapping me of my energy and desire for just loving life.  I will definitely read the two articles you suggest.  I find that just this communication is very comforting and helping me release that feeling of hopelessness and sadness that sometimes comes over me like a tidal wave.   I was afraid to admit that I possessed feelings of not only loss and sadness but also resentment but now I am embracing it and will hopefully work through it.  I'll keep you posted. 

Thank you so very much!

Peace and love...

Alisa

[kayc]

We are with you all the way!  This can be very emotional and difficult but as we grow through our experiences, also very enlightening.  I hope you have good support around you.

[Alisa]

Thank you KAYC!!  Your words and support mean the world to me.  Unfortunately, I have no support so reaching out to beautiful people like yourself is priceless.

[kayc]

Keep coming here as often as you want, you can see from my thread that I sure did! 
Here I Go Again

[Alisa]

Thank you kayc.  I feel so much stronger knowing I have somewhere to turn.  I sometimes feel so alone I become desperate and hopeless.  I will read your thread. 

Hugs!!!

[kayc]

BTW, I love your avitar!

[Alisa]

Thank you kayc!!  I'm a hippie at heart and definitely old school.  LOL

I use that in my classroom a lot to encourage my students to see that it is "cool" to be "peaceful".   

[kayc]

I love it, also the colors!  But then I graduated Class of 70 so definitely hippie at heart!