Can anyone relate?

[Boho-Soul]

It just ridiculous. And cruel.

It’s been almost 8 months since my husband died, it was something unforeseen & unknown and so a 2nd autopsy had to be done to determine the cause. I paid to receive a full report, obviously I need answers to help get closure on his death. I’ve yet to receive it and it’s taking a toll on me mentally, emotionally & physically. It’s cruel that the medical examiner knows and I have to wait 😒

And I’m starting to realize the impact his depression had on me while we were married. I’m still dealing with, and trying to heal from the loss of my marriage while he was alive. I continue to struggle on how to untangle myself from all this. I just want my life back so I can move on without the past weighing me down.

It’s strange how some of my friends have made themselves unavailable, I contact them and get ghosted. Didn’t expect I’d lose friends, it’s like they don’t won’t to see me incase ‘death-of-spouse’ might be contagious. The 2 close friends I do see only have time for brief visits, they have lives with their husbands & families beyond seeing me. I may have to make some new friends.

[Gwenivere]

You are in a predicament I have no idea how to relate to.  You invested so many years of your life in a relationship that was not fulfilling unlike most everyone else here.  Not knowing cause of death would be very hard to deal with.  I hope you get that soon.  Wanting our lives back we can all relate to, but yours is different.  I know I will carry my past with me forever despite small steps 'moving on'.  That just means adapting to the void to me.  
 

I can relate to people disappearing as time goes by.  A few have stuck around, but many were closer to Steve than me so that makes sense.  But some in my sphere did for various reasons.  That does really hurt.  I’ve never felt as abandoned or lonely.  I have to wear masks for most the others.  
 

I hope someone can help.  I don’t know if you’ve considered counseling, but I rely on that just to get it out.  I know it’s not for everyone. I hope you can make new friends.  I’ve been unsuccessful for any I can develop deep roots with.  It would make a lot of difference.  
 

I’m most sorry you spent so many years in a marriage that was unfulfilling and now have to try and untangle the fallout.

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

It’s strange how some of my friends have made themselves unavailable, I contact them and get ghosted. Didn’t expect I’d lose friends, it’s like they don’t won’t to see me incase ‘death-of-spouse’ might be contagious. The 2 close friends I do see only have time for brief visits, they have lives with their husbands & families beyond seeing me. I may have to make some new friends.

ALL of our friends disappeared overnight after he died.  ALL of them!  One friend owed us for a camp trailer they bought from us, they never made another payment after he died, nor did I get any more invites to their house in these last 16 years.  It was bad enough to lose my husband, but I never would have expected friends to be like this.  I would never do this to someone.  Maybe I'm rare.  Not everyone experiences this, but I sure did.

I had to rebuild from the ground up, make new friends, etc., build a life I could live, then Covid came along and upended everything.  I doubt anything will ever be the same as it was pre-Covid, not sounding like it.  It helps me to get out and walk my dog every day, see my neighbors outside, etc., it's a little reminder that there is more than just us.  But one I see every day as our dogs play together, and now she has cancer lymph/breast and is not treating it.  More changes to come...nothing is permanent it seems.

I'm sorry you had a hard marriage, sorry people abandoned you.  Life can sure be challenging to say the least, I see some who seem to have a charmed life, going to the Bahamas, great spouse, still with them, it's so far removed from my world, I can't relate.

Friends who Stop Being Good Friends
Friends, letdown
Friendship: Why I No Longer Hold Onto Relationships That No Longer Serve Me

[Boho-Soul]

I don’t like this day - 9.11

This was the event that caused my late husband to spiral into a severe depression, which then affected our marriage. I’m now understanding that it was his unmedicated mental illness that destroyed our relationship, not him. The core of who he truly was, well he was an incredible man. 
Today my emotions are all over the place - anger is back, sadness, feelings I can’t even find the words for. It’s been over 9 months and still no medical report, so I’m still waiting for cause of death. It’s taking a mental toll on me. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this because they either can’t relate to the complexities of my situation or they share their challenges of life and I’m not emotionally strong enough to hear their struggles.
I’m still dealing with the hoarding issues at both our/my properties and I’m overwhelmed. I’m getting some help from generous friends, but they have lives and families so I don’t want to impose on them to much. I could hire professionals but that takes $$$ and finances are tight. If the medical report would come I could complete legal issues such as life insurance and that would help.

This is one hard road and not how I want to live my life. Hopefully when the dust settles I can create the life that serves me better than what I’m living right now.
Long post, but I had to get it out.

 

[kayc]

I'm sorry, I had a feeling 911 was going to stir up a LOT of emotion for a lot of people.  
One step at a time.  Try to accomplish a little bit, don't set the bar too high, little by little it'll get taken care of, time has a way of passing, and it's not what we can do in one day but what progression we make overall, a bit at a time.

I do understand the situation you find yourself in...44 1/2 years here and I'm left with it on my own...

[Gwenivere]

I am absolutely stunned you can’t find out the cause of passing.  I don’t know about protocol in Canada, but the states here issue death certificates within weeks.  Finances, social security, life insurance, etc. definitely would be very messed up.  Not that we want that horrid piece of paper, I remember making so many copies and crying, but it’s a necessary evil on top of the weight of grief.  I also did that during the first few months when I was still in shock mode.  At 9 months you are now dealing with the reality which breaks my heart for you.  I’m sure you have been making calls. I just googled it and it says cause of death is not usually listed.  That you have to get that by fax, mail or in person and varies by province.  Steve’s life insurance just needed confirmation, not cause.  I’m sorry you are having such trouble.

[Boho-Soul]

Thanks for your response Gwenivere

I was issued a death certificate within days, which was beneficial in dealing with specific things. In Canada though, life insurance companies need cause of death before they can process a claim, so it’s waiting for the medical examiner to write the report and send it along with a specific cause of death certificate. That’s what I’m waiting on to then give to the insurance company. Perhaps it’s delayed due to covid. Yes, I’ve made calls, but was told to wait. Initially I was sent a form to fill out to indicate if I wanted a copy of the report. I ticked off  the ‘yes’ box and sent them the required $55, and now I continue to wait. The accompanying letter stated the wait would be 6-12 months, but people I’ve talked to said they received it in 4 or 6 months. The fact it’s now going into month 10 is beyond cruel.

[kayc]

I agree that it seems inhumane that they should take that long, I'm in the US and when my husband died I think the death certificate arrived within two weeks, but that was before Covid and he was in the hospital when he died so there was no question about his heat attack.  Very hard when you need it to take care of business!  We were squabbling with the life ins. about the bill they sent as it differed from their quote (greatly) so I didn't get life insurance, we hadn't expected his death so young and sudden!  I do hope it'll come soon.

[Boho-Soul]

My husband was in hospital when he died too, but initial autopsy couldn’t determine cause of death. After the initial autopsy they told me there was no sign of heart attack or stroke, and no infections or blood clots were found. Those are the big ones. So it went to secondary autopsy. Our family doctor said people pass from either cardiac arrest (not the same as heart attack-it just means the heart stops) or respiratory failure, which means they stop breathing. The reasons why vary (ie. respiratory failure can occur if one has pneumonia). The hospital team couldn’t even tell me if he experienced cardiac arrest or respiratory failure, which seems ridiculous to me. If I knew which one he experienced and was just waiting for the reason why, that would be better than being in the dark. 

I’m glad I found this place to express my stuff even if few can understand or relate to my situation. It’s not the same as a face-to-face support group, however I’m thankful all the same.

[Boho-Soul]

It sucks when friends don’t have time for you, and you need to talk things out. Maybe I need some new friends.

I returned to work a month ago with modifications for part-time work & reduced driving time. My Dr determined it was best to support my healing, and stated it was due to a medical concern as he isn’t obligated to provide details. My manager needed more clarification, because she said when my Dr wrote I was to work only 2.5 days a weeks it wasn’t clear enough. My Dr thought that was ridiculous but was glad to detail what 2.5 days a week meant. 
My Dr has extended this for another month and HR department is now wanting further clarification as to why I need these specific modifications. I just need time to heal from my trauma response & this is causing me undue stress. My friends don’t have time to talk & one friend just sent a text saying, “I feel bad you’re going through this.” It’s nice to hear but it’s not enough.

Well, that’s my latest rant. I know things will get better, but the road to better sucks.

[kayc]

Wow, I can't believe HR is being like a tick on a hound!  Normally that WOULD suffice, I don't know why they want personal information!  Might want to check with Boli about the legality of their questioning.  I'm glad you have a doctor that hears you at least.

It is good that the one friend acknowledged you but we all need someone to talk to, someone that listens and cares.

[Boho-Soul]

I haven’t heard of Boli, perhaps it’s a US thing and not in Canada. What is it?

... I googled - it’s probably similar to the Canadian Human Rights Commission 

[Gwenivere]

Wasn’t Boli a member here?  Can’t find the name in the database.  

[KarenK]

In Oregon, BOLI is the Bureau Of Labor and Industries, part of which protects employees rights.

[kayc]

There should be one in each state, might have to google it but you're right, Karen, it governs everything in the workplace here.   I didn't know it was just an Oregon thing.

[Boho-Soul]

A new year - I truly hope 2020 isn’t as lonely as 2021 was. Also hope the ME report arrives this month and the probate is finalized soon. Hard to believe it’s been over a year and I still don’t know my husband’s cause of death.

I’ve been struggling so much not being able to process his death properly that my therapist said I have signs of ptsd, which is lovely. My Dr filled out forms for long term disability from work until things are resolved and I’ve stabilized emotionally.

Damn, I’d never have predicted I would be going through something like this at such a young age. All I can do is believe God has a plan to restore my life.

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

All I can do is believe God has a plan to restore my life.

Hold onto this with all your might.  I'm glad your doctor is helping you to acquire disability meanwhile, so you can get by.  I pray with you that you get the answer you need about your husband's death.  Did they do an autopsy?  What is your therapist doing to help you process his death?  One of the things I've learned since George's death is sometimes we have to make our own closure barring getting one.  I've seen articles on breakups where you do this, not easy but breakups aren't always according to a nice neat little script, complete with answers!  Harder yet to do when the person has died, although in both situations you don't always get answers.  I think we do that by building from where we're at.  I hope you'll share with us what you learn as you traverse this path by sharing updates as they come.  Meanwhile, you are in my prayers.

My Bible cover has a verse that means so much to me, Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." It may not feel it at the time we're in the fire but "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen."  That's what I hold onto...Marg's mustard seed grain of faith.

 

[nashreed]

9 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

A new year - I truly hope 2020 isn’t as lonely as 2021 was. Also hope the ME report arrives this month and the probate is finalized soon. Hard to believe it’s been over a year and I still don’t know my husband’s cause of death.

I’ve been struggling so much not being able to process his death properly that my therapist said I have signs of ptsd, which is lovely. My Dr filled out forms for long term disability from work until things are resolved and I’ve stabilized emotionally.

Damn, I’d never have predicted I would be going through something like this at such a young age. All I can do is believe God has a plan to restore my life.

I hope so much that you can find the answers you're needing. I know what its like- there's still so many things I don't understand about Annette's passing. I'll never know why she didn't call out to me that night, though I assume she didn't think that her low blood sugar was as bad as it was. She always took such pride in being able to maintain her blood sugar, until her kidney function made it completely unpredictable. 

I imagine I have PTSD as well. I have developed serious Misophonia, where certain sounds are magnified so much that I have to wear headphones a lot of the time. When my family eats, the sound of fork hitting plate is like a dagger to my brain- I cannot stand it. Kids screaming outside, or even talking loudly (which they always do) is maddening to me- I cannot stand hearing them. Sometimes even a clock ticking becomes too much for me. I am on disability for anxiety disorder already, and as I understand it, you can have multiple disabilities but still only get the same amount. I wish it was enough to live on, but its not even close- especially in California. I have to get to a place where I can work, but without Annette as a cheerleader and support system, I don't know if I can do it. It's always one step forward, two steps back.

[Gwenivere]

I know I’ve developed some form of PTSD since my back surgery.  I’ve never felt so traumatized.  Pain and isolation.  Now fear of having to repeat it still under those effects.  Probably intensify it.  I know it makes trying to handle inconvenient things seem extraordinarily monumental.  For you James...💕

[nashreed]

Thanks Gwen. We all wish you the best of luck with your surgery. We all want to be kept current on everything this week. I know I will be obsessively checking the Forum for updates, so make sure you have your charger packed! I know you will do great. Look at it this way: So much bad happened with your recovery last year, the odds are in your favor that things will work out excellent for you! Fingers and toes are going to be perpetually crossed all week!! 

[kayc]

Yes, you take us all with you as you go there, Gwen.  What you went through before, no one should ever have to.  I don't see this as a repeat of the same, but correcting it to how it should have been done in the first place.  An apology from the doctor isn't likely to be forthcoming but would help a tiny bit.  It's done, but going forward, I want to see hope and a future for you...and for Mel.

[kayc]

James, I hope that for you too, that you can eventually find a job you can do that you enjoy, one with the right environment.  So hard going forward without our soulmates...

[Widow2015]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

I want to see hope and a future for you...and for Mel.

kayc:  (and, Gwen) My deep down wish and her upcoming surgery and recovery. Dee  

[Gwenivere]

Thank you all.  I don’t expect I will be posting for a few days after tomorrow.  The hospital part is horrendously painful and a blur of time from drugs.  Everything is messed up.  
 

I’m still trying to envision me actually going into that hospital.  I get panic when I do.   Can’t really see me doing it.  I’m sitting here with horrid shakes right now.  Waiting on the bath aide.  Stomach in knots.  Almost feel sick and that’s never happened.

 I want to give up.  I haven’t truly started but feel done. Defeated.  I don’t know how to do this.  Petrified.  😰

[kayc]

Can you have Dee let us know how you made out?

I can imagine (your feeling that way).  I hope your shower went okay.  Praying, I wish I were there to be with you.  It's not right anyone should have to go through all this, just praying you make it out better than you went in.  Love you!