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I don't know if this will relate to situations that other parents have experienced, and I don't know if my actually relaying our experience will help, but here goes.

My son passed away on New Years Day (2021) after an 8 yr battle with Myltiple Myeloma (cancer). His bravery and suffering was unreal. It was bad enough to see our son (57} suffer especially at the end. But, how we were treated before, during and after his death, well, its just burning through my very sole. I do realize that his wife, children do come 1st ..and that they have suffered horribly. But, we were not even acknowledged, completely left standing as though we didn't exist. No consideration for us to even have a place to sit, nothing...just nothing. I must say here that my sons wife never did really treat us like part of the family, but it was tolerable over the yrs. There were no real conflicts, or arguments. We did not want that. After the funeral his wife actually said to my husband, while still standing at the back of the church and after giving her a hug, " Don't be a stranger, don't forget where we live"  I actually didn't know she had said that to him till much later. I did reach out to her a few days later, and her first remark was " I didn't think I would be a widow at 62". She talked about selling the house, retiring. That was the last time there was any contact with her or our 2 grandchildren (18 & 21) .She was 6 yrs older than my son. Anyway I could go on and on..her and would take hours, but...I just had to kinda spill my guts as to the horrible horrible feelings that we are experiencing, and how its bad enough to lose our son, I just hate that I have to even waste a minute of my thoughts regarding this. So, here I am...here is my story. Thank you for listening to me, cause no else does..everyone is kind of staying away, or think that I am being over dramatic..Thanks again..

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I'm so sorry that you are mourning the death of your son, Cora, and my heart reaches out to you in your pain.

From what you've described, the relationship between you and your son's wife has been strained for a long time, and with the death of your son / her husband, the loss you share only serves to amplify the rift. Your daughter-in-law's self-centered focus on her own grief as a widow (and the secondary losses she faces as a result) is understandable ~ and may serve to explain her failure to recognize and acknowledge your grief as two parents who've lost their son ~ but that understanding does precious little to soothe your pain. 

I can only encourage you to give yourselves permission to acknowledge and to mourn the enormity of what YOU have lost ~ and if you find that too difficult to do by yourselves, I hope you'll consider finding the support of a qualified grief counselor or a support group for bereaved parents to guide you.

See When An Adult Child Dies: Resources for Bereaved Parents ❤️

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I am so sorry for your loss, and for the added treatment and lack of regard you and your husband experienced.  I have no doubt this would be my demise if my husband died...I could go into lengthy detail, but suffice it to say, I have always tried to have a good relationship with my DIL, to no avail.  She regards no one but herself.  I would continue trying for the sake of the kids, what else can we do.  Mine are still young so a long ways to go before they're your grandchildren's age.

I can imagine nothing worse than losing your child.  We don't expect to bury them, I am just so sorry.  How your heart must ache!  Hold on to your memories and the knowledge of how brave he was, I imagine he got that from you guys.:wub:

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