Guilty as Charged

[kayc]

Can they support your back in a comfortable chair/reclining position to alleviate some of the stress on it?  We always did these in our doctor's office, took maybe an hour or less if I recall.  I was thinking I might need one so doctors can SEE what I'm seeing and learn how far down these lesions go.  People do indeed take things for granted.  One of my sisters is blind so can't help, she needs someone to drive her everywhere.  The other one works 12 hours/day for her husband's business and lives clear across the state.  My brother is about 1 1/2 hours away, also still working.  Him and Julie are the only ones still in good shape and young enough to do it, question is, would they?  My son could help if his wife would let him get away.  I seriously need MY place cleaned out but cannot physically do it now.  Work is wasted on the able-bodied, by the time we're no longer working, we can't DO anything!  They should call it infirmary not retirement.

 

[Gwenivere]

What gets to me six I expected to feel pain and slowing down when I hit my 60’s, but nothing like this!  It didn’t even get really bad til I hit 62.  Now I can barely get around and this last week was very bad.  I’m not sure if I can walk around a store and that has me scared which adds to the anxiety making this a frightening loop.  I tried sleeping on the opposite side for waking up and it definitely didn’t help.  I’m torn about going to the ER today because I know they can’t fix the back pain, but I’ve been feeling so ill digestibly.  I don’t know how much longer I can go on eating and feeling so bad afterwards.  I’m scared they will find something serious to add to my plate  and I’m just worn out with ER protocol.  The long waits.  Plus my ER has only drop off for patients right now snd I don’t have a driver but me.  I’m already a wreck mentally. I stoped in a vacant parking lot yesterday and sobbed.  I didn’t want to be out but I didn’t want to come home.  It was at the price club we used to go to on weekends and enjoy.  Now a ghost place like so many.  I’m so tired of seeing, or not seeing really, places we went that are gone.  Worst are the places remaining I rarely need and would kill me to go into like Lowe’s so I go to little places now.  But can’t look at appliances with Steve just for fun.  I dread if I needed one.  
 

this is the community center dinner night.  Torn about the ER and the women I met there aren’t coming because they are at a medieval street fair.  Depresses me more because I couldn’t go.  I’m so hate this being trapped always.  I’d give anything to just be bored!  Not this onslaught of pain in some way constantly.   When I got bored I got creative.  Can’t do that because of limits.  I just want to give up lately and not sure what that even means anymore beyond the words.  

[kayc]

I hear you.  I know people in their 80s & 90s without pain yet here we are!  I have knee injuries and hand injuries so pretty much live with pain, I don't let the knees stop me, just go through the pain, but the hands are incapacitating, kind of screeches everything to a halt!  When I'm taking such good care of myself, I never expected this so young!  And now the throat thing.  Very annoying!  I know your back is yours, it's pretty much halted you in your tracks.    How different life would be without it!  Even with our husbands gone, between Covid and pain, it's stopped us from doing what we'd like to do.  I even had to give up my Treasury job (unpaid elected job) that I loved doing before this happened.  With you it was volunteering at the nursing home.  It gave us some sense of purpose, getting out, feeling useful.  And going through these infirmities alone with no one to care or talk to makes a huge difference!

I'm sorry you didn't get to go to your dinner.  I get it about the creativity, I haven't made cards for a long time, there my tools/supplies sit, gathering dust.  

 

[Gwenivere]

12 hours ago, kayc said:

It gave us some sense of purpose, getting out, feeling useful.  And going through these infirmities alone with no one to care or talk to makes a huge difference!

I never thought or could have conceived of a time with no purpose or meaning.  I used to be very judge mental of those that ended their lives.  Unless they were deliberately trying to make someone feel responsible,  I now see that one can be so empty inside they are beyond thinking of others and many (like myself) have no others that it would deeply affect.  I’m NOT advocating this by any means.  Just that I understand feeling so unnecessary no matter what you do.  That the things you do get done matter to no one beyond yourself, if you can even feel that.  I do much just because I have to now.  Not because it enhances my life in any way.  It is effort to keep my pets happy.  I wish I could do more with Mel, but she has low expectations as my life has lost that meaning it needs beyond myself.   I know we are supposed to make that our priority, but it’s often so out of reach.  I don’t know if it is bad I need someone to give me that, but it is how I am wired.  I’m not a loner like some I know that are just fine with it.  This would be a good time to have that personality type tho it would have impacted my life with Steve negatively.  Can’t just switch my inner self.  I need people.  None are here anymore.  
 

so, getting the yard done, paying taxes, keeping the house clean, having food to eat, ordering things online so Mel and are covered are but tasks I check off my list.  Always knowing if something happened to me, no one would know for a very long time.  Short of setting up some service to check on me. How does that make me feel?  Even more alone as I miss someone that loves me.  I pay for a lot off services, but someone to care?  Just can’t be done.  
 

 

 

[kayc]

The only thing I worry about dying is I hope/pray someone discovers Kodie before he goes hungry.  Otherwise, it doesn't bother me if/when they find my body as I wouldn't be there anymore.  But caring?  No, can't hire that done.

I hear you, Gwen, seems like we think the same thoughts.  I'm not a loner, I'm a mixture, like some solitude but need people too.  I think it's good for my daughter to have a roommate and her son, she's always been very outgoing and living alone and working alone when (blank) left her these last few years has to have been really hard.

At least you are checking things off your list.  My sister just informed me she has had macular degeneration for 1-2 years (at least) and has done nothing about it, still hasn't made an appt with the doctor's office I set her up with, nor called her ins. to inform them of the change, now says she won't go there!  I chewed her out last night because she does NOTHING for herself!!!  I asked her if she's waiting to go blind and a snowstorm here so that I have to take her in, an emergency on my part!  Her Rxs ran out over a month ago and they wouldn't okay refills but she's waiting until she's out of pills and an emergency before doing anything.  I don't know how to make her do anything but she doesn't relinquish control so anyone else can do it either!  She has severe COPD and cannot live w/o her meds!  It took Peggy four hours to pay her bills and refill her pills yesterday because she can't see, yet she's never said a word about it.  I told her to call her ins. and ask who the eyedoctor was she last went to, then MAKE AN APPT & GET A REFERRAL!!!  It'd be easier if she'd go to the doctor I got her set up with but now the old place left a message saying they're reopening (how often is anyone's guess).  I'm tired of nagging her, I never was a nag, do not like that job!  

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I miss someone that loves me.

Me too, Gwen, me too.  At least I have Kodie!

[nashreed]

Kay, I'm so sorry. You really don't need that toxic negativity and I hope you're not such a kind person that you can't get out of this trap your sister is setting for you. Think about if the situation was reversed. Would she be your caregiver, for free? I'm sorry that being a good person only gets you used sometimes.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

I'm tired of nagging her, I never was a nag, do not like that job!  

I know it must get very messy with family.  Steve wanted to wash his hands if his sisters inability to keep herself out of financial debt but couldn’t as it would have landed her on the streets.  The only rule was about not loaning money without a way to collect it back by taking over her checking account.  No purchases without his approval.  Set up utilities as regular withdrawals.  Harsh to have to do to an adult woman, but absolutely necessary after so many defaults to their  parents and wasted overdraft fees on checks.  She’d rack up about 4 or 5 $34 in a month.  Money she’d really needed and blown on a delivery pizza!  Mighty expensive pizza!  
 

Looking in from the outside it’s easy for me to say just pull yourself out from it and not become a caregiver. But I know families aren’t that simple.  I don’t know how you get someone to step up for themselves.  Sometimes I think I am that way already, but have no one to do it for me.  Nor motivation to do it.  I know she’s a widow, so that factors in.  I think you said she was like this with her husband.  
 

I can only echo James.  I’m seeing you being used.  If only she’d try a bit more.   Ironically, this from a person who is forcing themself to refill meds and address maladies that’s like pulling teeth.

[kayc]

I forced myself not to ask her if she'd called the doctors (Rxs, eye appt) but I already knew the answer and decided NOT MY PROBLEM and I guess some people have to learn the hard way...or not.  Ultimately everything falls back on me regardless.  I've already told her I cannot take her in the winter snows that is why I schedule my appts in the Spring/Summer!  If she doesn't do that, then it's on her to find her way.  Her series of shots in her eyes need done now, not later.  You can't fix stupid, I am reminded of that every day.  Or procrastinators or stubbornness or determined blind eyes.  She has ALWAYS been this way!  You can't make some people be responsible for themselves, even if they need to be.

[Gwenivere]

You really need IMO, to do this for yourself, Kay.  I can feel the frustration in your posts snd it certainly won’t help your strugge with blood pressure.  She has a track record of being stubborn and expecting help.  We all had help with our partners, but that is gone.  I so hated going to the ER alone again last weekend, but if I wanted help, I had to.  I’m already not doing many things various docs want.  I have to accept possible consequences for my choices.  And I have.  I definitely can’t expect others to make me do them.  
 

I know depression is a huge factor in my not doing things that might help. And there is that aspect too.....might.  I gave myself some credit for getting to the ER and pushing for the pelvic CT.  No answer why, but relieved worry about masses or issues I didn’t know.  I doubt it would show polyps, but I can’t do that procedure.  I just can’t, not alone.  Nor another either that requires sedation, but less prep.  Those are limits I have to live with and hope don’t escalate to emergency situations.  
 

we each have our triggers for action.  Some are on top of things right away.  I used to be when things were simpler and I marvel at those that keep that up as more mount.  I do know I’d do more if Steve were here, but I think that’s a given for many of us.  This lonely existence I have involves no one but Mel and me.  She’s my best friend, but it’s not a human connection and all that that fulfills.   
 

I hate to see myself falling apart.  Adds to the depression cycle.  Self fulfilling almost.  But I don’t know how to slow it drown or stop some things.  Having docs that won’t view the whole picture just adds to giving up.  I miss my old doc that actually communicated with someone he’d refer me to.  Now it’s a hand off like ‘I don’t have to deal with this now'.  

[ipswitch]

Jim, we are all frail, flawed mortals.

My husband was an alcoholic. He spent about a quarter of our marriage unemployed owing to his drinking. At one point, he was withdrawing money from his IRA because his unemployment didn't cover all the beer and cigarettes he wanted, which raised our tax bill. (the tax preparer told me, Hubby didn't.) So, imagine getting a few hundred dollars a week, no mortgage (we had paid off the house) no commuting expenses, no deli lunches, no work clothes - and the unemployment check didn't cover his 'entertainment' budget. I was furious, and said some hurtful things no one should say to anyone. 

Our marriage was effectively over. I didn't have the guts to leave, so we co-existed in the same house, and he died a few years later.  I wish a lot of things: maybe we never should have married, I should have left instead of getting progressively angrier, I shouldn't have said hurtful things. But no one's perfect. I also post on a forum for friends and family of alcoholics, and through that, started to acquire a sense of something like forgiveness.  I came to realize that whatever our difficulties, my husband loved me the best he could. Just as important, I did the best I could. Maybe in my gut I knew that, and that's why I stayed. I'll bet your wife knew, in her heart, you were doing your personal best, for you, at that time.

Obviously, my personal best varies from day to day, just like most folks I know. I have to accept that. 

It's tragic that some of us come to this kind of realization after the loss of someone we loved; Maybe it takes that kind of loss to temper us, to give us a nudge toward greater compassion, empathy, growth. 

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

You really need IMO, to do this for yourself, Kay.

To do what?  I'm not sure what you're saying here.  I'm doing my best to let her be responsible for HER.  I have to do that by not taking over, not accepting responsibility for her ineptness.  If she reaches the point she can't make this work on her own, she will have to go to assisted living.  I love her but I can't fill in the gap.  My infirmities are real, my struggles are real, I am barely taking care of myself and my place, I cannot take on another.  A lot of people are in this predicament with their spouse, but that is different, you do what you need to do because you are part of a TEAM...they would do the same for you.  You don't start out with inequities but it emerges as part of what life throws at us.  I would have done anything for George.  He was my soulmate!   Peggy could have done much for herself throughout her life and she chose not to, now she is living those consequences.  That's harsh reality.  I love her but I cannot be her enabler.  I looked up Nova's phone number for her (she refused to have a computer so she's alone and they don't even deliver phone books anymore).  How can you not have your doctor's office programmed into your phone?  Some of this is her lack of common sense (yet she knows all the jeopardy answers!...useless information!) but some is her dementia too.  I cannot think about the future right now, it's too much.  I have to do today, it is enough to do today.  She finally has an appt. for Monday for a blood draw!  I learned her Rxs are coming, so what she told me was inaccurate, problems of dementia.

@ipswitch  I know this has been a long difficult journey of realization of so much...richness, but often painful, you have gleaned wisdom and are helping others with what you have learned.  Bless you!

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

To do what?  I'm not sure what you're saying here.  I'm doing my best to let her be responsible for HER. 

That’s what I meant.  You have to do that for yourself.  You just defended that absolutely rational decision to not be an enabler above but almost defensively.  Shows me that it is unhealthy for you to take on her responsibilities any more than small things you feel you can handle.  But the big stuff?  Way too big a load.  I’m in agreement wit' ya.  ❤️

[kayc]

I just wasn't sure what you were saying, so I restated what I thought to clarify.  She drove me nuts last night, telling me I need to drive her to Creswell to meet my other sister & BIL Friday, and I said I had plans Friday (ongoing and she knows) so I mentioned if it's Friday I'd have to let my friend know ahead of time, then she changed it to some iffy unknown date and I reminded her I won't be available week after next as I'm going to take care of my grandkids and have a dental appt out of town.  She threw in the kink that her friend will be going but she's tied up getting ready for an estate sale and hasn't met with the others yet that are helping so she doesn't know the days yet...her mind is all over the place but nowhere.  I realize she throws things at me then changes them, which is hard to me, a planner, someone more literal than her iffyness.  I have to let go of it, if it's doable, fine, if not, not my problem.

Blood pressure still too high.  Trying to pray/meditate, hard with so many external things thrown my way.  Trying to let go...