I thought it was getting easier

[Kevinslove]

Hello to everyone  I have  not been on here in about a year am sure lots of new people  who have  joined this journey  of grief my name is Robin and I lost my husband  of 26 years  almost 5 years ago I found this site and with the caring of others I found out I was not alone in my grief journey  I went  through it all the hopeless feelings, the not wanting  to be here without  him feelings, the feeling utterly lost in this world but slowly  I found away to keep going to smile again to even find love for another again his 5th year is coming up in May and its hitting me extremely  hard this year I almost  feel like slipping  back to when it first happened  I find it hard to smile hard to get motivated  I feel the missing what used to be , the longing for what used to be it feels very hard this year has anyone else found this happening  to them that are alittle  farther along in this journey? My heart  truly goes out to everyone  on this site this is a wonderful  site but not one any of us ever wanted  to be on

[nashreed]

Those are feelings I feel as well, and I'm just not approaching the "one year" mark.

It is a constant two steps forward, three steps back process. I have feelings of hopefulness, of positivity- I have moments where I can think of her and smile at one of her sayings and not be sad- I even entertain thoughts that maybe it would be okay if I (somehow, through some miracle) found another relationship, that she wouldn't mind.

And then there are days that I'm just sad, and lost and feel so, so alone. Today is one of those days. I should be happy I'm fully vaccinated, right?

I'm coming up on that one year, and it scares me to death, because I gave myself the silent ultimatum that I would be ok after May 16, that I would be able to move past the guilt and sadness. I know you're not supposed to give yourself a time limit on grief, but if I don't, will I ever be "over" it. I have to live. I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life. Annette would not want me to be. I just don't want her to see me from up there and be sad for me. That would be worse for me than anything. I still care about how she feels, and just want her to be happy- and that includes being happy that I'm ok. 

 

[Kevinslove]

I am so sorry for your loss, I like to think that we don't  stay miserable  for the rest of our lives that we find away to smile laugh and still enjoy things in life but unfortunately  I don't  think we ever truly won't  have sad moments not with the love we shared with our partners it's just getting  to the point  where the happy moments  out way the sad I don't  think we are ever over it we just learn to live with the loss and hopefully  find a sense of peace and happiness  again

[Gwenivere]

10 hours ago, Kevinslove said:

it feels very hard this year has anyone else found this happening  to them that are alittle  farther along in this journey?

I had the same thing hit me at 6 years.   I felt I had almost totally lost any 'progress' I made.  I’m still struggling with it snd that was October of 2020.  Would have been our 38th anniversary last January.  I have no idea why it hit so hard and then.  Well, I have lots if speculations.  A lot of time lost.  I’m older than him now.  My body aging and needing help like I helped him. Losing my last living tie to him when one dog died.  Now I am totally alone in this new existence.  I was cruising down my grief river with the tools I gathered and they slipped away.   I’ve been trying to rebuild since and it’s extremely hard.  It’s harder this time because anyone that was of support when it happened are barely around if at all.  They certainly are well past the shock and immediate sorrow and moving  on with their lives, as they should.  They can’t relive this again.  It wasn’t near as life altering as it’s been for me.  So, that lifeline is slim.  With the pandemic, things that kept me sane snd connected like volunteering got shut down.  Now I have too much time on my hands.  I hear about everyone else’s plans and have none of my own.   I’m aware of him being missing again.  Even the house snd yard feel different needing care that I was used to paying for, but I don’t enjoy when it is done.  Just another task to check off.  
 

The pandemic, politics, riots, shootings have added a lot of stress.  Adding more change in a very complex journey.  I think when in grief we are more fragile, sensitive to emotional issues.  
 

I don’t know if this makes sense, but it’s these kind of things I know that affected me. 

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Kevinslove said:

I don't  think we are ever over it we just learn to live with the loss and hopefully  find a sense of peace and happiness  again

I agree, not sure about the happiness part for me, but I've adjusted as well as one can to "life without," been living on my own for nearly 16 years now.

These milestones can really shake us, sometimes it's hard for me to believe it's been this long, but on the other hand it feels like an eternity he's been gone from me.

[nashreed]

As I come up on the one year mark, I don't know what life will be like, how long I'll live. It already feels like its been a decade. I don't want to be alone and not have that connection with someone again- but I know that it's highly unlikely I would be so lucky to have all the circumstances be just right to have another relationship. 

It was easy for my grandpa. His first wife (my Mom's mother) passed away, and he lived in a senior mobile park with a whole host of widowed ladies around. He had 3 more relationships before he passed- he just kept outliving them. If only I could be as slick and cool.

[kayc]

I could wish for a lot of things, including my life being different, but I've learned the value of appreciating what is...wishing you are someone else downplays who you are, something we've worked hard for and earned!  Even with physical maladies, we've fought the good fight, we've run the race, we've earned some respect, we've learned a thing or two, we are more valuable today than at any point before...our value does not depend on what we look like or what we can accomplish, it is something to do with who we ARE, our character, what we've learned, what we demonstrate, all the more so when the chips are down!

A lesson I wisely learned from my oldest sister, Donna, who had her life ripped from her, her children taken away, and stuck within the confines of a body that would not do what she wanted....she was 25 when she became quadriplegic, it took away her three year old's life, her fiance ditched her, her four month old was adopted out, none of this through her choice or decisions.  She lived trapped in her body for 50 years.  She had the most amazing mind and sense of humor!  She didn't feel sorry for herself (okay, the first two years she wanted to die but couldn't even do that!) but instead she learned how to LIVE!  I love and miss her.  She was inspiring.  Even though people shouted at her like she was deaf, talked to us instead of her, like she was dumb...we'd tell them to talk to HER and sometimes we'd have to interpret as her vocal chords were butchered (emergency tracheotomy) but we wanted them to treat her as a PERSON.  Sometimes people judge by our physical limitations or appearance, but a wise person would never do that.