28 years old just lost my bf unexpectedly

[DeeP]

Hi. I am going through one of the hardest things in my life. I lost my bf of 2 years unexpectedly.I’m 28 he was 29. I loved him so much. He was in the army n had 5 days left before he was moving. I was so sad but we were going to try to make it work long distance. He didn’t want to leave me and I knew he was depressed over it but he wound up doing drugs and was with someone who didn’t care about him and took too long to cal 911. Not only was I shocked he was entertaining drugs bc I had no idea, the shock of his death, the disappointment of him doing that &  the shock of just speaking to him all morning expecting to see him the next day and it all gets turned upside down. 
 

It’s been about a month now, and I still feel so alone and empty. My friends n family are great supporters telling me I’ll be ok and get thru it, but I have never felt so alone in my life before. My best friend, my rock.. just gone. Now I am being forced to adjust to this new life and it’s scary and I don’t like it. I feel lost and alone. Internally so alone.all I want to do is be with him. He was my safe space, my #1 fan, my king.  I’m trying to stay positive but it’s just been so hard. I feel very zombie like living a life rn that I don’t really enjoy. 

[kayc]

Hi, I just posted this in another thread but want you to be sure and have it in your own.  I am so sorry, it is the hardest thing I've experienced.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Gwenivere]

A month isn’t a a long time, tho It feels like it’s even an eternity.  You have so much to process, but you’re still in shock.  Your brain overloaded by so many emotions at once.  I’m glad you have some support.  I was numb for months.  Then I had sobbing and screaming jags I thought would never end.  
 

Whatever you are feeling at any moment is normal.  You must remember that.  There is no right or wrong.  Don’t try and stifle yourself  or let anyone do that to you.  Your loss is huge, half of you has been ripped away.  
 

I don’t know any magic words that will help, just that you are normal.  Wanting to be with him, no interest.  trying to stay positive isn’t even something I would expend what energy you have.  It’s too soon to do more than get thru a day at a time.  I hope you have someone that can just listen as that helps so much.  Keep posting how you feel if you can.  Others here will assure you you are not alone.

[DeeP]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

A month isn’t a a long time, tho It feels like it’s even an eternity.  You have so much to process, but you’re still in shock.  Your brain overloaded by so many emotions at once.  I’m glad you have some support.  I was numb for months.  Then I had sobbing and screaming jags I thought would never end.  
 

Whatever you are feeling at any moment is normal.  You must remember that.  There is no right or wrong.  Don’t try and stifle yourself  or let anyone do that to you.  Your loss is huge, half of you has been ripped away.  
 

I don’t know any magic words that will help, just that you are normal.  Wanting to be with him, no interest.  trying to stay positive isn’t even something I would expend what energy you have.  It’s too soon to do more than get thru a day at a time.  I hope you have someone that can just listen as that helps so much.  Keep posting how you feel if you can.  Others here will assure you you are not alone.

Omg thank you.. I really need to speak with others who really understand. This feeling of feeling so alone is terrible. Im just waking up and sleeping. I can’t even stay present when I try to do things and push myself to get out. I feel lost and have feelings of not even wanting to be here on earth anymore. I’m not at all wanting to harm myself but life without him right now just is really hard. And I feel like I will always be comparing if I am ever to be with another .. idk I’m just really lost at the moment and depressed   my whole life has changed and I feel numb in this world right now

[Gwenivere]

You are in the perfect pace to speak to others who totally understand.  You will find the world out there will possibly  leading to more isolation.  It not their fault as they haven’t experienced it.  At your age, there aren’t as many as us older folk like me.  But it happens to any age group.  I had to seal myself off from the outside as their attempts of consolation were trite and often platitudes.  We learn a new language overnight entering this.  Again, you haven’t even reached a month.  You are crushed and devastated.  Allow yourself the validation of that.  No matter what path your journey takes, you will be forever changed.  That’s not to say at some point you won’t be function again.  It’s going to take time and yours will be unique to you.  You will hear be kind to yourself and I found that to mean do whatever you feel.  Sit in sadness, pound pillows, scream, cry, whatever it takes to give voice to your pain.  Don’t silence it or it will well up and consume you.  You might even smile at a memory.  Anything goes.  Just try to eat and sleep.  Those you need for strength.many hugs to you as you start this.  You will alway be heard here. 💖

[kayc]

I liken this to brain trauma, like if our brain is bashed and broken...no one would expect us to be suddenly over it, yet often our society seems to think we should just snap back to ourselves!  No, we're never the same again.  Our old self is gone, with the existence we once knew.  Cuddling together on the couch, him jumping up in the morning and saying, "Let's go to the coast!"  I need that person, we balanced each other.  I am the wet rag that ensures we get our chores done, pays the bills, but he was the idea person, the one that made life living color!  He had so much zest for life!  Even after all this time, it's hard for me to wrap my head around how he can be here...and then just not.  He's somewhere, and where he is, I will be someday.  He is the other half of me!

I don't know "when" the shock wears off, it's so gradual as to seem imperceptible, but it's there for quite a while, part of our grief fog that seems to be part of us in early grief.  It took much much time for me to have any clarity.  Like I had shaken brain or something!  Recently my puppy was attacked by a dog while we were out walking...he came out of nowhere and put little Kodie into his jaws and shook and shook and shook and shook him!  It seemed like an eternity!  He screamed/cried, I was knocked down, I punched the dog in the nose and threw myself over little Kodie.  He was so shook up, so frightened, as was I!  It was the most horrific moment.  I think what happened to us is much like that moment.  How do you recover from that?  Little Kodie was lucky, we had x-rays and ultrasound done, after the muscle tissue repaired he was okay...on the outside.  But its affected him, we no longer walk on that side of the street, if that dog goes by his little heart races and his breath catches.  We are never the same again either.  We learn to live with the changes this means for our lives, eventually we no longer expect them to walk in the door...we adapt to those changes, we know we no longer have that person to call, to talk to, to be there for or with us, but never, never are they far from our thoughts!

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

We learn to live with the changes this means for our lives, eventually we no longer expect them to walk in the door...we adapt to those changes, we know we no longer have that person to call, to talk to, to be there for or with us, but never, never are they far from our thoughts!

So so true.  I’m  Not even really sure I’m used to him not being here. I act like it, but I am acutely aware.  The day I came home and heard him say hi to me knocked for a loop after 6 years.  It all came rushing back in.  I know he is on my mind constantly.   I live in our house that is built with choices and experiences.  Small things like replacing a can opener he can’t see remind me.  The way the fridge is stocked now is totally different.  Where are his messes?   Where are those phone calls ad notes we left each other?  It’s too sterile.  You have Kodie like I have Melody, but they didn’t know George or Steve.  It’s alien now.  I know Arlie didn’t know George either.  Ally did and I struggle with that lost connection.  This is an adaptation I hate.  Who wouldn’t?  And it earwax me every day.

[kayc]

I lost Lucky and King George (cat) and Tigger ran off (George's cat), those were our connections.  Since then I've had and lost Chappy, Miss Mocha, Arlie, and Kitty.  George and I'd lost Autumn Kitty before he died, although he didn't know her very well, I'd had her 14 years before we married and she died soon after.  All of these losses and changes are hard.

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I know he is on my mind constantly.   I live in our house that is built with choices and experiences.

Yes.  Last night I purchased an Air Fryer (expensive with all the accessories), second guessed myself, felt maybe I shouldn't have, what if I can't figure it out, etc..  George would have encouraged me to get it.  He always wanted to spoil me.  Sigh...

[DeeP]

On 4/25/2021 at 8:55 AM, kayc said:

I liken this to brain trauma, like if our brain is bashed and broken...no one would expect us to be suddenly over it, yet often our society seems to think we should just snap back to ourselves!  No, we're never the same again.  Our old self is gone, with the existence we once knew.  Cuddling together on the couch, him jumping up in the morning and saying, "Let's go to the coast!"  I need that person, we balanced each other.  I am the wet rag that ensures we get our chores done, pays the bills, but he was the idea person, the one that made life living color!  He had so much zest for life!  Even after all this time, it's hard for me to wrap my head around how he can be here...and then just not.  He's somewhere, and where he is, I will be someday.  He is the other half of me!

I don't know "when" the shock wears off, it's so gradual as to seem imperceptible, but it's there for quite a while, part of our grief fog that seems to be part of us in early grief.  It took much much time for me to have any clarity.  Like I had shaken brain or something!  Recently my puppy was attacked by a dog while we were out walking...he came out of nowhere and put little Kodie into his jaws and shook and shook and shook and shook him!  It seemed like an eternity!  He screamed/cried, I was knocked down, I punched the dog in the nose and threw myself over little Kodie.  He was so shook up, so frightened, as was I!  It was the most horrific moment.  I think what happened to us is much like that moment.  How do you recover from that?  Little Kodie was lucky, we had x-rays and ultrasound done, after the muscle tissue repaired he was okay...on the outside.  But its affected him, we no longer walk on that side of the street, if that dog goes by his little heart races and his breath catches.  We are never the same again either.  We learn to live with the changes this means for our lives, eventually we no longer expect them to walk in the door...we adapt to those changes, we know we no longer have that person to call, to talk to, to be there for or with us, but never, never are they far from our thoughts!

Wow... 😔😔 .. yeah he helped me with everything. Everything in my house reminds me of him, anywhere I go, he would do anything for me. Every single day he is on my mind. I dream about him, I just wish this was a nightmare I’d wake up from. I know I’m very depressed right now.. I’m trying to push through it but then I feel like I’m faking my emotions. I know I have to just feel and go through this.. it’s just the worst pain of my life. I have these moments where I just want to isolate and not talk to anyone and disappear but then another part of is like no you can’t do that. But I go out and I’m just not that present. I cry everyday. I have breakdowns. And I’m not at all a suicidal person but I don’t really want to be on this earth on this moment.. 💔

[DeeP]

On 4/25/2021 at 8:55 AM, kayc said:

I liken this to brain trauma, like if our brain is bashed and broken...no one would expect us to be suddenly over it, yet often our society seems to think we should just snap back to ourselves!  No, we're never the same again.  Our old self is gone, with the existence we once knew.  Cuddling together on the couch, him jumping up in the morning and saying, "Let's go to the coast!"  I need that person, we balanced each other.  I am the wet rag that ensures we get our chores done, pays the bills, but he was the idea person, the one that made life living color!  He had so much zest for life!  Even after all this time, it's hard for me to wrap my head around how he can be here...and then just not.  He's somewhere, and where he is, I will be someday.  He is the other half of me!

I don't know "when" the shock wears off, it's so gradual as to seem imperceptible, but it's there for quite a while, part of our grief fog that seems to be part of us in early grief.  It took much much time for me to have any clarity.  Like I had shaken brain or something!  Recently my puppy was attacked by a dog while we were out walking...he came out of nowhere and put little Kodie into his jaws and shook and shook and shook and shook him!  It seemed like an eternity!  He screamed/cried, I was knocked down, I punched the dog in the nose and threw myself over little Kodie.  He was so shook up, so frightened, as was I!  It was the most horrific moment.  I think what happened to us is much like that moment.  How do you recover from that?  Little Kodie was lucky, we had x-rays and ultrasound done, after the muscle tissue repaired he was okay...on the outside.  But its affected him, we no longer walk on that side of the street, if that dog goes by his little heart races and his breath catches.  We are never the same again either.  We learn to live with the changes this means for our lives, eventually we no longer expect them to walk in the door...we adapt to those changes, we know we no longer have that person to call, to talk to, to be there for or with us, but never, never are they far from our thoughts!

😔 your words mean so much to me. It’s nice to speak to people who understand. It breaks my heart for you as well and every other person who has experienced this type of loss. That’s the thing, I’m forced to adjust and it makes me feel uncomfortable. What I knew, who I loved, my future all ripped from me now I have to just adjust to a life that right now is very empty and gloomy. The sun doesn’t even lift my spirits. I’m not the type of person to stay down and depressed for a long time but this is just different. I know I’m depressed.
 

I feel so alone and scared of my future because now it all has to change. I know I’m young and have a lot ahead of me, but it still doesn’t feel right and I know I’ll never be the same. No one will ever compare to him and it makes me so angry that the one man who loved me unconditionally, is no longer here. I already battled with self esteem issues now it’s just worse.  I know his spirit is with me. I feel selfish for wanting him here with me when I know he most likely is having a better time in heaven then we are here on earth. 💔 I’m just really mentally not okay and everyone tells me be strong and it’s like... I’m fricken trying. 😭

[DeeP]

On 4/24/2021 at 7:34 PM, Gwenivere said:

You are in the perfect pace to speak to others who totally understand.  You will find the world out there will possibly  leading to more isolation.  It not their fault as they haven’t experienced it.  At your age, there aren’t as many as us older folk like me.  But it happens to any age group.  I had to seal myself off from the outside as their attempts of consolation were trite and often platitudes.  We learn a new language overnight entering this.  Again, you haven’t even reached a month.  You are crushed and devastated.  Allow yourself the validation of that.  No matter what path your journey takes, you will be forever changed.  That’s not to say at some point you won’t be function again.  It’s going to take time and yours will be unique to you.  You will hear be kind to yourself and I found that to mean do whatever you feel.  Sit in sadness, pound pillows, scream, cry, whatever it takes to give voice to your pain.  Don’t silence it or it will well up and consume you.  You might even smile at a memory.  Anything goes.  Just try to eat and sleep.  Those you need for strength.many hugs to you as you start this.  You will alway be heard here. 💖

❤️ Thank you. This all means a lot to me and I’m grateful for each of you on here. I am aware enough to know whatever I feel I have to let come but I’m also mad at myself because I can feel how heavy my depression is right now. And I’m fighting it. I don’t want to isolate, but I feel the need to. I don’t want to just sleep all day but that’s all I have motivation to do. I’m a active person and going to the gym doesn’t even appeal to me like that anymore. It’s hard to push myself there although I know that would help me and it’s healthy but i feel so wrong just moving on with my life and he’s not here. I want to just be with him. 

[scba]

Dear one,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I was 35yo when I lost him, he was 31yo.

Let me assure you that it's ok that you're not ok. It's ok wanting to "leave" this earth, wanting to sleep, wanting to be isolated. Your may not be depressed, you are first and foremost grieving. It's very very painful. I described it in my therapy sessions as a "sword" as an "incandescent knife on my chest". Now i say "it's like desert". Things will change. Your brain and your body are working through an unexpected death and it's consequences, which are shock and "waking up" happening in the same hour, minute and day. You trying to battle your body and your brain NOW will lead you to nowhere because it cannot be fixed, it can only be carried. You will survive this. Trust us. 

Eat, drink water, shower and sleep. Survival. Go one day at a time. 

No positivism, no being strong. 

And yes you will fake your feelings because our young friends don't understand. I love my best friend but she told me there were many divorced men for me. 

We are here and you are not alone in this. This is the most compassionate site you could have found. 

[DeeP]

1 hour ago, scba said:

Dear one,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I was 35yo when I lost him, he was 31yo.

Let me assure you that it's ok that you're not ok. It's ok wanting to "leave" this earth, wanting to sleep, wanting to be isolated. Your may not be depressed, you are first and foremost grieving. It's very very painful. I described it in my therapy sessions as a "sword" as an "incandescent knife on my chest". Now i say "it's like desert". Things will change. Your brain and your body are working through an unexpected death and it's consequences, which are shock and "waking up" happening in the same hour, minute and day. You trying to battle your body and your brain NOW will lead you to nowhere because it cannot be fixed, it can only be carried. You will survive this. Trust us. 

Eat, drink water, shower and sleep. Survival. Go one day at a time. 

No positivism, no being strong. 

And yes you will fake your feelings because our young friends don't understand. I love my best friend but she told me there were many divorced men for me. 

We are here and you are not alone in this. This is the most compassionate site you could have found. 

Wow I’m sorry for your loss as well. Yeah it’s hard because people tell me oh your young you still have so much life to live but I don’t even want to live right now. I lost my soulmate. Not only lost him, but the love I was used to and felt and made me feel secure. Poof. Gone. The internal loneliness I feel is unlike any other. Your words give me comfort. I’m trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel bc right now I feel completely submerged in the depression pool.  They really don’t understand, Altho they can try but they don’t understand. It’s a different type of loss and they don’t get it.   

[kayc]

On 4/26/2021 at 6:53 AM, DeeP said:

I just wish this was a nightmare I’d wake up from.

I remember wishing the same thing.  It FEELS like a nightmare, it doesn't feel real...at first.

I relate to and remember feeling everything you are saying.  It is the hardest thing I've ever been through, and that says a lot because I've been through a lot in my life.  But nothing compares to this.  Losing my dog all these years later felt like I was going through that again because he'd become my everything and was the perfect dog for me, smart, goofy, fun, a good companion, considerate, great communicator, loving, I've never had one like him and know he was one of a kind.  I don't understand how some people manage to escape grief/loss when my life is consumed with it!  Everyone/everything I get close to it seems, poof, they're gone.  My kind of luck.  I don't want to sound fatalistic though, I still continue trying, even all these years later, embracing the good I find and look for in life.  I can't believe we've all survived a year plus of Covid isolation.  But here we are.

[Gwenivere]

I wish I could 💙 the above post more times than once.  I feel the same about Ally.  

[kayc]

Just yesterday I was taking a walk and thought about Arlie, I couldn't shut the tears off.  It'll be two years 8/16.  I miss him every day.