my girlfriends grieving the loss of her father

[MicheleL]

Hello, my names Lindsey. I recently found this forum while I was searching how to help my girlfriend during her grieving. For context we've been together for almost 10 months, I'm 20 she's 21. We are extremely close and do everything together. We are a lot alike and communicate very well. We always reassure each other and are very affectionate. She knows how much I fear losing her and she has the same fear.

My girlfriends father had been sick for awhile, over a year at least (he was sick before we started dating). She told me she always thought he would get better, but a couple weeks ago he got a lot worse and just died two days ago. While all of that was going on I had my own sick grandfather (we weren't close) in the hospital who happened to die the same day as my girlfriends father (hours later).

Me and my girlfriend don't live together, we are both at our own homes as of right now. She told me her dad died through a brief text message. I instantly replied telling her I was sorry for her loss and that I'd always be here for her if she needed me. She replied 4 hours later and just said "I love you so much". a couple hours after that my grandpa died, I decided I wouldn't tell her about it so she wouldn't worry. I texted her a couple little messages and told her if she wanted me to stop texting her to just let me know. She replied in the middle of the night saying that I could text her whenever I wanted but she did not feel like talking. So the next day I texted her less, and she replied again in the middle of the night saying a simple "goodnight I love you so much". 

I found this forum the day her father died. My anxiety was happy to find another thing to stress about, as I've been thinking about the fact that she might break up with me after reading others stories. We used to FaceTime every night and every morning, but we haven't since his death. I have been crying an extreme amount and having trouble sleeping since, and I'm worried after a little bit of time she'll stop replying to me. I can't imagine living without her, she's my best friend and has made me extremely happy. It seems selfish to worry about our relationship when she's going through so much but I just want her to be happy. 

I know it's hard to tell right now as it's only been a few days and she's still responding but I'm very scared. I'm just looking for support and possibly advice, I have no idea how to carry on without her. I still have hope that she won't want to break up but the thought is lingering in the back of my mind. I will update this post as more things happen and appreciate anyone who took the time to read this.

[MicheleL]

Id also like to add on that we had planned to go pick out a kitten today as we had always wanted to take care of a kitten together. We'd plan it would live at my house this summer and play with it non-stop. This is so sad... we bought all the equipment together and now its just sitting in my room staring at me, with no kitten. Obviously I don't care about the kitten anywhere near as much as my girlfriend but we were both so excited about it and now I'm afraid we won't even make it through the summer as a couple.

 

[BaxterBurg]

Hello @MicheleL

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your girlfriends father and your grandfather. And I understand how hard this must be for you to feel your girlfriend pulling away from you, I've felt the anxiety myself. 

I think you are doing the best you can, and you seem to me to be doing everything right. Maybe that can give you some comfort, but I understand that it's not much. I remember the feeling all too well. 

3 hours ago, MicheleL said:

It seems selfish to worry about our relationship when she's going through so much but I just want her to be happy.

I don't think it's selfish at all, it's only natural to be feeling worried about the relationship. You have feelings too, and what your dealing with is far from easy. Going through it myself was harder than any death in my family, and feeling the loss of a relationship is a loss in itself. Don't feel guilty. 

While I can't tell you that this relationship will make it through this horrible situation, I can tell you that you will be okay no matter what happens. You sound like a great partner, you're doing your best, and that's all you can do. I thought I would never get through what happened to me, but I have made great progress. I understand that it feels like your whole world is collapsing around you, but try your best not to catastrophize. Kayc and Marty will be able to offer you some resources on supporting a partner through grief. 

I'm hoping for the best for the both of you, take care. 

[MicheleL]

Thank you for replying, I appreciate it so much right now. I am sorry to see that you have been through something similar, I wouldn't wish the pain upon anyone. It is very sad but comforting to know I'm not alone in this, as I've seen a lot of others posts. I'm very glad you were able to heal and move forward! While she hasn't broken things off with me yet it is really hard seeing her go through so much pain alone and feeling like she might no longer want me in her life. It's so scary to have my relationship feel like it is out of my control and the thought of her breaking up with me is engraved in the back of my mind. I will update this if anything happens and I feel like expressing my thoughts, thank you again❤️

[BaxterBurg]

3 hours ago, MicheleL said:

Thank you for replying, I appreciate it so much right now. I am sorry to see that you have been through something similar, I wouldn't wish the pain upon anyone. It is very sad but comforting to know I'm not alone in this, as I've seen a lot of others posts. I'm very glad you were able to heal and move forward! While she hasn't broken things off with me yet it is really hard seeing her go through so much pain alone and feeling like she might no longer want me in her life. It's so scary to have my relationship feel like it is out of my control and the thought of her breaking up with me is engraved in the back of my mind. I will update this if anything happens and I feel like expressing my thoughts, thank you again❤️

No worries, It means a lot that you found it so helpful. I understand what you mean, it's very difficult to see someone you love hurting so bad, especially when you're worrying about the relationship too. It is an incredibly scary situation, I understand exactly how you feel. We're here for you! Take care, and feel free to share your thoughts whenever. 

[kayc]

14 hours ago, MicheleL said:

My anxiety was happy to find another thing to stress about, as I've been thinking about the fact that she might break up with me after reading others stories.

Not everyone responds this way in grief.  I would not worry unless she begins pulling back.

Have you ever told her about your grandfather dying?  I see no reason for you to withhold, she might feel you could relate a bit.  I'd ask point blank HOW you can be there for her!  About the kitten, I'd mention to let you know when she's ready, you understand.  I'm posting some links that you might found helpful
Grief Process
Helping another in Grief
Help another in grief
Helping Another in Grief
Grief Healing: Helping Another in Grief: Suggested Resources