Unhappy ending

[selena1988]

Hi everyone, 

Not sure if anyone here remembers me from last year. I believe that my last post was related to me meeting up with my (now) ex-boyfriend in late January. 

Now, looking back, I understand that there were many signs of what was coming, I just forced myself to be patient and understanding, but even if you love someone so much, you have a limit. Me meeting up with my ex again made me indeed realize that he changed as a person.

Although I was the one who pulled the plug, I'd say it was kind of a mutual decision. I felt bad for doing that, but if this time in my life did teach me anything it must be that you can't grow a healthy relationship with anyone if they're not happy. I'm not saying we should be at the top of our game all the time, but I truly feel there is a difference between how I handled my grief and my ex ended his. Three months in I still think about the what ifs, but I also understand why I'm better off without him, and I'm kind of okay with that. 

At times I feel a physical loss might have been easier to accept, because I believe some parts of me will always grieve the pieces he left behind. All the promises, the beliefs, the values I thought we shared, they were only there during our good times.

Time and time again after the break up he has portrayed nasty nabits, however I decided to keep him around. Well, not anymore. I wanted a friendship with him, but I realize that every time he lets me down, even as a friend, I feel disappointed. 

The only good thing about keeping him around for so long is that I've seen enough to not feel too bad about it. 

To quote my coach "Believe someone when they show you who they are." 

My thoughts go out to everyone who feels hurt because their support wasn't appreciated. Their love wasn't recognized the way it should. Their hopes were smashed. It's heartbreaking. I always used to believe in the saying "if you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. " In my opinion true, but only to some extent. In the end, the one at their worst need to try to heal so everyone around them don't bleed. 

In the next couple of days I'll stop using my Norwegian number anymore. That's the end of his chapter and the beginning of mine.

Nothing hurts more than being in a place where one's not appreciated. Where one's care is considered a burden. If that's how they feel, give them what they want. 

Like I told my friend the other day "Why prioritize soneone in my life when they clearly don't appreciate it?" Even as a friend. It's not like I lack anything in that departement. 

Getting back on the dating scene has made me understood that no one is unique, and there are people who want things to work. 

What hurts the most is that I really gave him my all. It will take some time to be able to give all that to someone else, but I know I'll get there one day soon.

[kayc]

 

I am sorry things didn't work out as you'd thought.  I think this is key:

 

On 4/29/2021 at 4:47 PM, selena1988 said:

I truly feel there is a difference between how I handled my grief and my ex ended his.

How we handle things can be really important in a relationship and I wholeheartedly agree.  Obviously people aren't at their best in grief but when someone pulls away from us, not a lot we can do.  We can be there in the wings but if they never tap in, not a lot we can do.  My ex totally broke everything off, I couldn't even bring him a meal, but his XW could?  Neighbors could?  Strange...

On 4/29/2021 at 4:47 PM, selena1988 said:

The only good thing about keeping him around for so long is that I've seen enough to not feel too bad about it. 

On 4/29/2021 at 4:47 PM, selena1988 said:

"Believe someone when they show you who they are." 

Good quote!

I guess the main thing is that you value yourself and want more for yourself than crumbs.  No one should "settle."  Yes, we all deserve "our person" but that person should be right for us!  Grief is a hard thing to go through and knows no time limit but some can't do relationships while grieving, that's for sure.  You can credit yourself for having tried and giving it your all!  Good luck going forward!!

[selena1988]

Kayc, thanks for your  spot on response  as always. Your kind words and care for everyone on this board truly is amazing.

I know  you come from a good place, but can you please remove the link to the previous thread? My ex has it and I don't want him to see my new posts on here. So I prefer these posts to not be linked. 

 

[kayc]

I am not seeing it so perhaps Marty already did!    My apologies.  I'd listed it so people could see the previous situation, which I felt relevant.  Good luck to you!

[MartyT]

56 minutes ago, kayc said:

perhaps Marty already did!

I did remove those links, Kay, at her request.

[Rae1991]

On 4/29/2021 at 3:47 PM, selena1988 said:

Hi everyone, 

Not sure if anyone here remembers me from last year. I believe that my last post was related to me meeting up with my (now) ex-boyfriend in late January. 

Now, looking back, I understand that there were many signs of what was coming, I just forced myself to be patient and understanding, but even if you love someone so much, you have a limit. Me meeting up with my ex again made me indeed realize that he changed as a person.

Although I was the one who pulled the plug, I'd say it was kind of a mutual decision. I felt bad for doing that, but if this time in my life did teach me anything it must be that you can't grow a healthy relationship with anyone if they're not happy. I'm not saying we should be at the top of our game all the time, but I truly feel there is a difference between how I handled my grief and my ex ended his. Three months in I still think about the what ifs, but I also understand why I'm better off without him, and I'm kind of okay with that. 

At times I feel a physical loss might have been easier to accept, because I believe some parts of me will always grieve the pieces he left behind. All the promises, the beliefs, the values I thought we shared, they were only there during our good times.

Time and time again after the break up he has portrayed nasty nabits, however I decided to keep him around. Well, not anymore. I wanted a friendship with him, but I realize that every time he lets me down, even as a friend, I feel disappointed. 

The only good thing about keeping him around for so long is that I've seen enough to not feel too bad about it. 

To quote my coach "Believe someone when they show you who they are." 

My thoughts go out to everyone who feels hurt because their support wasn't appreciated. Their love wasn't recognized the way it should. Their hopes were smashed. It's heartbreaking. I always used to believe in the saying "if you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. " In my opinion true, but only to some extent. In the end, the one at their worst need to try to heal so everyone around them don't bleed. 

In the next couple of days I'll stop using my Norwegian number anymore. That's the end of his chapter and the beginning of mine.

Nothing hurts more than being in a place where one's not appreciated. Where one's care is considered a burden. If that's how they feel, give them what they want. 

Like I told my friend the other day "Why prioritize soneone in my life when they clearly don't appreciate it?" Even as a friend. It's not like I lack anything in that departement. 

Getting back on the dating scene has made me understood that no one is unique, and there are people who want things to work. 

What hurts the most is that I really gave him my all. It will take some time to be able to give all that to someone else, but I know I'll get there one day soon.

I second this. It has only been 3 weeks for me, and I have already realized that I am better off without him. He was selfish, cruel, made disparaging comments, tried to question my happiness as if it wasn't really there, etc. Their inability to cope has nothing to do with us. I told him something similar when he insisted we remained friends because "thats what he wants": My care and love was considered a burden, why would that change if we remained friends? It wouldn't, you'd still treat me the same and keep me on your hook so you can feel like you have control over the situation, because thats always what it was about: Control. Leaving me before he believed I would leave him, having so little control over much else in his life and having such low self-worth, so he attempted to exert control over the one thing he could, our relationship.

Even if we had stayed friends, as you said, he still wouldn't have appreciated anything I did for him and would just use me as emotional support until he found someone else to dump his baggage onto. I may start dating again soon, but I will not invest or commit until I see serious investment from the other.

I am glad you have gotten to this point, as hard as it may have been, you deserve better. To add tho the Maya Angelou quote, something I heard that was added to it by a guy in a YT video: "When someone shows you who they are, don't just believe them, believe them and then act accordingly to your own best interests, not theirs or your relationship with them."

--Rae

[kayc]

40 minutes ago, Rae1991 said:

Maya Angelou quote, something I heard that was added to it by a guy in a YT video: "When someone shows you who they are, don't just believe them, believe them and then act accordingly to your own best interests, not theirs

This!