Not sure how to handle this

[Gwenivere]

On 5/16/2021 at 1:50 PM, nashreed said:

If the sun were out I would take it as a personal insult. 

I get that, I really do.  I can take it now, but not the first time.  Steve didn’t die in the summer.  That would have been tough.

On 5/16/2021 at 1:50 PM, nashreed said:

Today, I found myself looking at the pictures I took a year ago today, of our empty house. Her empty bed. 

You chose to do this for your own reasons.  Maybe it’s good you have the strength because that is how I’d define it.  I could have never done that.  I couldn’t even look at pictures of him for almost 2 years.  You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.  We all are.  And we are more fragile than others think.  The outsiders don’t get that the definition off strength changes for us.  So hearing it from them means nothing.  It’s only from others who know this that I feel they get the constant trying to balance going on and breaking so easily.  I don’t even know if that makes sense.  I’m glad you have your music.

[nashreed]

I don't know that its strength. To me, its almost a weakness. Or maybe I'm punishing myself. 

I do know that I could not get through the day without looking at her picture. I have one as my phone wallpaper all the time. I have to have her in my life, even if its just on my phone.

I played the last voicemail she left me last night, a year after leaving it. I had played it when it was left, of course. It was pretty innocuous. But, she always told me she loved me- every message. I know she does still. She was in chronic pain, and did say she would take a shower tomorrow, which she never got to- which was sad. A "shower" we joked was the "whore's bath" (I hope that's not too naughty), not a real one. I just find I miss everything about her today. 

[kayc]

22 hours ago, ipswitch said:

Some people don't want to recouple. They shouldn't be forced or even encouraged to

Of course!  I don't know anyone "forced to."

[kayc]

22 hours ago, ipswitch said:

Be careful what you assume. I don't assume that divorced people *wanted* that

I'm baffled by your post! 
It sounds like you're speaking from your experience, and I get that (I've had three divorces, two HAD to happen, one was mixed feelings as we'd spent 23 years together, raising a family, but it was his decision so no choice in it)...when it is cut and dry and a horrific marriage, it's easier to feel relief, but disentangling from a marriage is painful at best!  We can't assume anything as everyone's marriage is different!  Even in death some feel relief while some feel incongruent feelings, but most of us miss and grieve them.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The first year for me was stumbling around, but not in full  understanding of what was happening.  Like an unconsenting  tennis ball while grief continually practiced hitting me.  The first anniversary filled out all the firsts.  It was then I started to really feel impact of what I had experienced and what was to come.

Yes, a LOT of people experience this!  I think I was in a fog the first year plus!  It really is shocking and hard to assimilate!  I agree, very hard, first year but second is also very hard if not harder in a way, but to me, nothing was worse than than day/night one slamming into me!  I look back to where I was and I can see much "progress" if you can call it that, at the very least, getting used to or adjusting to living alone, but oh how long it took and how hard it's been!  Still, I'm doing it.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

Yup, year 2 becomes the work one.  When it becomes real that this isn’t a dream and we rally are in this new reality.  So much to figure out and feel.  No insulation anymore.  No fending off hopes this was a mistake.  No illusion they are coming back.  In our culture it also I’d when support starts to lessen for many.  People think we have it all figured out by then.  No idea of the hours we now have that make days so very long.  Tasks we did that filed our lives not needs anymore.  Tasks we now have to do we didn’t.  The list goes on and on.  

[nashreed]

The days are so long. Yet, I have no motivation to "do" anything. The depression is more than it has been in months. It really has set in now.

So, a friend wants to get together on Saturday for pizza. It will be with his son and maybe his wife. I am scared to death. I hate the weekends, because they're so damn lonely, but then I don't know that I can do social. Here at home, I can be mopey and "shut down" (like C3PO) and they don't really care, but if I get hit by a wave of depression when out with my one friend willing to actually hang out with me, what do I do? Is it worth it? I know that I should do it, but I'm already thinking of excuses. I just don't know if I can handle it. 

[kayc]

Maybe try to go and see how it plays out, it's nice that he still thinks of you.  You can always beg off if you have an anxiety attack.

[Gwenivere]

You could talk to your friend prior to getting together and explain how you feel. That you’re concerned about how you’ll feel and how it would affect them.  See what he says.  I’ve found good friends, when I had them, accept us as we are.  You said you 'should' do it.  Maybe have that conversation with yourself first.  Should implies you’re not really into it.  Or pressuring yourself.  That will just make it worse.  When I say 'should', it’s inevitably followed by a 'but.....'. That tells me I really don’t want to do it.  Just my take, your mileage may vary, as they say.  
 

I also get craving being with people.  We get caught in some crazy loops now.

[nashreed]

Yeah, I don't know. I will have to ask him and know for sure if its just him or him and his son or... 

But, I know he's in no position to deal with my grief- nobody is except the people here. I always get the feeling that my family thinks I should just be hunky dory now and that I'm just a "Mr. Crabby Pants" because I got up on the wrong side of the bed. My whole life is the wrong side of the bed. The depression I feel now is very debilitating. Some mobile home inspection service was doing free look-sees around today, and they smelled gas coming from the hot water heater. The gas company is here now, and it looks like its new hot water heater time. Is it horrible that for a second I thought "Darn, too bad the house didn't blow up"?

 

[Gwenivere]

I wouldn’t say it was horrible because I get not wanting to go on.   But I see how grief warps our rational thinking.  I’ve been there too and had to play out I might survive an even worse life.  

[nashreed]

Yep. That would be just my luck. Hands burned off or something, but congrats- you're alive