I lost first her father, than I lost her

[Kevin13]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

Very true.  And I'm sorry for your heartbreak as well.  This is hard to get through but can be done, I've been there.

My best to Kevin, drink won't help your healing any, can complicate things, it's amazing you had enough control even so to delete the messages (thankfully).  No contact is best while healing, it will help you see things clearer in the long run but best to keep busy and try not to fixate on her.

As a sportive, I never drink. This was probably the fist time in years and years, but we were partying.

After a full year of Corona, emotions got strong, I was really happy until I broke down in tears. But till then, it was really an amazing day and I really enjoyed.

Thanks god I have 2 amazing friends who helped me out and took me home safely. 

 

Then of course, alcohol made his job makin me cry. But better crying it out than keep it inside.

Now I am training a lot (2-3h a day) and working the rest hours (9-12h a day). Not much time to think actually. 

What hurts me is just Sundays, because I have then really a lot of time to think. If I find a way to fill up my Sundays, I would then be much better.

 

Thanks for your reply again.

I will keep you posted. I will try to do my best till then.

 

Take care.

[Kevin13]

7 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I cant avoid not seeing myself 6 months ago in you right now. I felt like I was the one writing this down lol 

Keep in mind that whenever you initiate contact with her, you only hold yourself back from healing and keeping in touch with her wont do you any good. Trust me, I've been there (you could read my forum to get some perspective). I know how desperate we are into keep them in our lives but thats something we cant control.  

One thing to consider if you're going to continue talking to her, walking on egg shells aint an easy thing to do. You will constantly feel stressed of carefully thinking of everything you're gonna say to her; as you have already mentioned that you're " lowkey making it an easy conversation" that's already the start and it's hard, trust me. I know the feeling you're going through, I wish you strength if you proceed with this. 

 

I would most likely stop contacting her simply because I don't have anything to ask her or to tell her, as I said yesterday, everything I need to tell her I already told her so based on that, I am ok with myself.

 

Bad timing.

Wrong person.

Bad combination. That's life. The show must go on.

[kayc]

II'm glad you're coming to terms with it, most of us took longer to do so.

Have you thought of going hiking with friends on Sundays?  It can be a great way to get exercise, de-stress and safely.  I always love getting out among nature, it helps my well-being.

[Kevin13]

Hey guys, quick update:

She, really randomly and out of the blue, texted me. She didnt want to ask anything (or neither asking how am I doing). We had a discussion (well, discussion, we just had 2 different opinions back in the days when we were still a couple) and she get somehow back to that topic reading it somewhere. She was like "hey, you should read this, maybe you could understand it better or change your mind"

 

I was like "wtf"? How should I reply to something that leaves nothing open for a reply? I just replied back "Ok then, I might give it a read, who knows", then her again "Do it :)" 

And again, she just write stuff really "closed" or damn difficult to reply. Why that? This make totally no sense to me. I don't even want to find it out a reason to all this because it probably doesnt have any. 

 

But yea, she told me she needs time for her, that she want to focus on herself and then she waste her time to write random stuff to me. Its not even that she wants to talk to me. She's just writing stuff but, again, close without giving me any chance to start a conversation

Again, I am not pretending to understand her mind. She probably doesnt understand it either

 

Anyway day by day is going better. I am focusing on myself (and working a lot, lol)

And, as she requested I am leaving her all her space and I am NOT going to write her again first.

[kayc]

2 hours ago, Kevin13 said:

I am not pretending to understand her mind. She probably doesnt understand it either

Exactly...let it go.  It might be good to cut all avenues of contact so she doesn't have room to send you hurtling...my ex gave me mixed messages, confusing me, caused me emotional turmoil until I learned to turn it off and pay no heed to it.

2 hours ago, Kevin13 said:

Anyway day by day is going better. I am focusing on myself (and working a lot, lol)

Good, this is best!

[Kevin13]

On 6/13/2021 at 3:16 PM, kayc said:

Exactly...let it go.  It might be good to cut all avenues of contact so she doesn't have room to send you hurtling...my ex gave me mixed messages, confusing me, caused me emotional turmoil until I learned to turn it off and pay no heed to it.

Good, this is best!

Another little, probably nonsense, update.

 

She probably muted my Insta stories, I think. Or she just avoid them, dont know.

Today then, out of nowhere (again, lol) she react to a story of mine, totally randomly. I then did nothing, ignored her reaction.

 

Why she's acting like this? She's testing me? She wants, somehow, to reconnect but shes unsure? I mean, this doesnt make any sense and, to be honest, its making my healing process more difficult. Taking in consideration to block her so she won't be able to reach out and "disturb" me.

 

Hope you guys are all good

 

 

[BaxterBurg]

5 hours ago, Kevin13 said:

Another little, probably nonsense, update.

 

She probably muted my Insta stories, I think. Or she just avoid them, dont know.

Today then, out of nowhere (again, lol) she react to a story of mine, totally randomly. I then did nothing, ignored her reaction.

 

Why she's acting like this? She's testing me? She wants, somehow, to reconnect but shes unsure? I mean, this doesnt make any sense and, to be honest, its making my healing process more difficult. Taking in consideration to block her so she won't be able to reach out and "disturb" me.

 

Hope you guys are all good

 

 

People do strange things after a break up, not really worth wondering about. My ex did weird things like that too and it could be anything, but I think it was guilt and it just made things worse. Your mind will try to convince you it means something positive for the high, but don't let it. Block her if you feel you need to do so, this is all about you and your own recovery - not about how she feels. 

[kayc]

21 hours ago, Kevin13 said:

Why she's acting like this?

I do not think she's testing you, I think her mind is a mess right now.  Only she can figure it out.  Do not pay any heed to it or it will literally tear you apart!  Think of YOU first, you need your own mental health first and foremost or you'll be no good for anyone, her included!

16 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

People do strange things after a break up, not really worth wondering about.

Amen to that!

 

16 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

Block her if you feel you need to do so, this is all about you and your own recovery - not about how she feels. 

Yes!  So hard to get this across to newbies here, but so very true and important!

[Kevin13]

And again, reply and reacting to stories of mine.

Heh.

 

I decided to block her and focus on myself, as I was doing anyway before, but that constantly "getting in the way" from her was disturbing my process

[kayc]

You are so right, I wish you the best going forward, you are smart to do this.

[Kevin13]

Well, big update. Kind of.

 

We saw eachoter today, wasnt a date, we partecipated at race togheter with other people, friends in common and blabla, much people tho, basically around 4hours long. So if she wanted she could hang out with her friends and not close to me like the 70% of the time.

 

We basically talked the whole time, she was constantly looking at me (my friend says) when we were not togheter and yea. Talking like nothing happened, still maintaning a chill and cool conversation, not talking about the past. Was really cool, I saw in her eyes the attraction towards me, otherwise she would have not talked to me or hang around me that much.

 

I decided then to text her a little after we said bye, we both said was really cool to see eachother again, then we texted a bit more about normal stuff. Wished her good evening and she wished back. Now I think I will go in "no contact" again, not sure. I need help. I kinda want a "date" with her but at the same time I don't want to put any stress on her shoulders.

 

Should I do a step back now and let her make the "move" now? (That she always have done btw till now)

Should I keep texting her? Or asking her out for a real date?

 

BTW: Cool how I changed my mind in couple of days, but I think this could change something, even tho I am not expecting her to come back or anything at all. BUT its for sure better than being there and just be 2 complete strangers to eachother or even worse doesnt even look at eachother

[kayc]

I literally FEEL your hoping for something!  You can kid yourself but it's all over the place.  Even while you acted chill.    That's okay, part of the process, ups/downs, hope/hopes dashed.  My advice remains the same (no contact) as I've read every single thread in here and seen the outcomes.  Being a numbers/statistics person, they tell a story, they don't lie.  Even the couple of threads that showed promise turned out not to be.  (Not reflected in thread but in PM to me).  I tend to doubt being the great exception.  Possible, just highly unlikely.  Funny how we grab the possibility and run with it, not the hundreds who tell a different story.  What no contact does is allow you to heal and see with clarity, breaking contact clouds judgment/emotions lead.

[Kevin13]

On 6/27/2021 at 3:50 PM, kayc said:

I literally FEEL your hoping for something!  You can kid yourself but it's all over the place.  Even while you acted chill.    That's okay, part of the process, ups/downs, hope/hopes dashed.  My advice remains the same (no contact) as I've read every single thread in here and seen the outcomes.  Being a numbers/statistics person, they tell a story, they don't lie.  Even the couple of threads that showed promise turned out not to be.  (Not reflected in thread but in PM to me).  I tend to doubt being the great exception.  Possible, just highly unlikely.  Funny how we grab the possibility and run with it, not the hundreds who tell a different story.  What no contact does is allow you to heal and see with clarity, breaking contact clouds judgment/emotions lead.

Ahahah yea you were so right, of course I hoped.

After "meeting" that day, we basically talked every day for a good week. Either was me starting the conversation or her, easy topics, chilling stuff. Nothing too personal, nothing too "hurtful" for her.

 

Then couple days ago I had the brilliant idea to wish her a good day after talking a bit but I wanted to put there something like "Hope to see you soon", thinking and hoping that she would reply "hey, yea, same". Guess I putted bit of stress on her or simply she doesnt give a f* about seeing me again, despite admitting that seeing me that day was cool.

She didnt replied to that last message of mine.

 

Was kind of an eye opener.

I need to start to value myself way more than I did in this 2 months. 

[kayc]

3 hours ago, Kevin13 said:

She didnt replied to that last message of mine.

 

Was kind of an eye opener.

I need to start to value myself way more than I did in this 2 months.

Yes, not surprising.  She's on edge for sure.  Nothing you did, this is her not you.  Yes so important to value yourself foremost especially as she is putting herself first.

 

[Kevin13]

20 hours ago, kayc said:

Yes, not surprising.  She's on edge for sure.  Nothing you did, this is her not you.  Yes so important to value yourself foremost especially as she is putting herself first.

 

It's just really so hard stop thinking about her.

Really, really hard

[kayc]

I know.   It gets easier in time...

[Kevin13]

Sup guys.

 

Lately I've been doing bit better. I noticed that since I've stopped texting her..she basically comes to me.

She replies to my stories or she textes me via whatsapp. Still dont get why.

Most of the time I don't reply but she comes and write me again, and again.

 

 

[kayc]

She will until you block her.  It's kind of like they want control of both worlds, don't want you but want you on the sidelines...I've seen it too many times, experienced it myself.

[Kevin13]

Well, today after basically 3 months I feel that everything is over. I feel like there is no more hope, no more getting back togheter, I got finally hit by the truth and this hurts like never before but I hope that as today I can start my healing process. I guess better late than never. I will keep going on with my life as I ever did, but with no hope in my heart that that lovely, caring, intelligent and extremely beautiful girl could be again on my side.

She told me to go on. She told me that she feels another person, she has another needs and she wants to focus just on herself. She told me even if she wanted, our relationship could never be the same as it used to be. She also entered therapy lately. She told me I am still a very important person in her life because I basically saw her going down and shared such a terrible experience with her, but she can't to anything else than being a friend of mine, no relationship, nothing. She told me that she didnt wanted anything of this happens, she was expecting our relationship to go on but she just can't.

 

Now I have a big question, how the f* someone can move on after something like that?

How can someone move on knowing that they both didn't anything wrong, but this relationship ended because of something "external"?

How can someone move on knowing that if this terrible thing never happened they could be still with the same partner and be happy?

How can someone move on knowing that "something external" took away your wife-to-be and mother-of-your-childrens-to-be?

I need help.

 

I wish so hard I could go back in time and bring her Dad back. Oh gosh, I wish this like I never wished anything before.

I feel I am empty, done. That I have nothing left.

[kayc]

I am so sorry for all you have been and are going through.  I went through it, I was engaged to be married, he was telling me I was the most beautiful woman in the world, the love of his life, etc. then he broke up with me by Fed Ex when his mom was dying.  A few years later he took in his XW and they're together still...he said they're not a "couple" but they spend every minute together...he alluded once to there's nothing like being with the person you've been through life with, and he's also said if he hadn't experienced his mom dying he wouldn't have broken up with me.  ?!!!  People die, our parents don't live forever, life/death happens, seems it would have sooner or later.  And we're never "ready" for it, it's not easy on ANY of us to lose someone we love!  

I prefer to be with someone who wants me through thick and thin, not for a time and then discard me like a pair of old shoes.

Value yourself.  You deserve better than this.  You will be okay in time.  Meanwhile it hurts like hell, it's a healing PROCESS, spend time with friends/family, take a class, work out, enjoy nature, get a dog...do things for YOU!  And I wish you so much in your future.

Do not watch her life happening without you...block on FB, phone, Instagram, etc.  Cut ties to protect YOU.  You are #1, look after yourself, let her do the same apart from you.  Respect that space.
You can see from my story 11 years ago this week that it is a metamorphosis...

 

 

[Kevin13]

Thank you so much.

 

Today is the first day of my new life and I won't let anyone to break me down.

My healing process starts now and I am sure I will be good again. Not soon, not in a month, maybe not even in two, but I will be ok. I won't try to speed up the process, I will just try to trust this process.

[kayc]

It very much IS a "process" and sometimes it takes a person a while to "get" that the person is gone for good, nothing they can do about it but take care of themselves and stop worrying about the other person.  Sometimes another person in their life is the wake-up-call but in my case, he didn't date again, and didn't slide back into being with his XW for many years.  None of that matters to me, I think I escaped a fate worse although at the time my heart was broken and it felt anything but good.

[Kevin13]

Well, here I am again.

 

Life sometimes can be really cruel. 2 months ago I lost, totally out of nowhere, my dad. He just decided to first go walk his dog, then take a nap and never wake up again. Im devastated and it's only 2 months passed. I don't see any light out of this tunnel that actually started last year. I just feel numb. My family is 700km away and this also makes everything even harder. I can't go visit him, I can just cry over a photo of him. I will go back visit my family in 2 weeks. I've never been so sad in my life.

 

Only "good" here is that my ex and I are writing again, on daily basis. We decided to meet up for a dinner and some cardboard games. We understand totally right now as we are going trough basically the same stuff, I can help her and she can help me. But I won't go back togheter with her, we will stay friends and actually try to cheer up ourselves in this dark time.

[kayc]

I am so sorry, Kevin.  I hope you can be good friends/support to each other.  After Jim and I broke up, we had several months space, then talked and I think it was a couple of years before we saw each other, but never to be coupled, just friends, over the years we've been there for each other.  The last few years he's had his XW back, but we all get along.  
It can be done.  I am glad you will get to go there in a couple of weeks, is your mom still alive?