Boyfriend broke up with me after dad died

[pretz]

Hi all, 

I've been reading the previous posts and it has given me a tremendous amount of comfort to see how others may have been going through something similar and I'm not the only one feeling this way. 

This is my story: I was in a year-long relationship with my partner and his dad's cancer got really bad like in the middle of when Covid was at its peak where I live. We were in lockdown. For context, I do have some anxiety issues which I didn't really know how to deal with at the time as I wasn't even aware of how bad my anxiety was or that I even had anxiety. I had alot of childhood wounding that I hadn't processed which also made me a little insecure. So when lockdown came and we couldn't see each other, and when his dad started getting sicker and he pulled away - i got really anxious and as a result the relationship suffered. We were fighting alot and were in a really rocky place till for a couple months till his dad passed suddenly (earlier than expected) in August last year. 

It was at this time that we kind of hit the reset button and i was there for him throughout the process and tried to do as much as i could for him. Eventually we did decide to try again to work on the relationship but he was rather distant and he would always say that he couldn't really feel anything and he wouldn't express any feelings or talk to me about what he was thinking. He seemed ok to the world, he would act like his was fine, still smiling and happy and wanted to be strong for his family but i knew deep down he was still grieving and it was really hard for him. I think he distracted himself from the pain alot with video games.

Naturally with my anxiety, this started to get to me too after he became more aloof and eventually he ended things because we didn't seem to be able to get along anymore and it became clear to me that he was staying in the relationship because he felt like he owed it to me, not because he really wanted to be in it and this made me sad. After he did i started going to therapy to learn how to manage my anxiety and also manage my guilt. I've been so overwhelmed with guilt feeling like I should've done better or i could've saved the relationship if i hadn't been so insecure or anxious. If i hadn't taken things personally when it was more about him than me. Deep down i just wanted to do whatever i could to support him but my anxiety sometimes made me act in ways i couldnt really control then i would shame myself after. We were in no contact for abit but for the first 3-4 months post break up he would still reach out to me once in a while just to send me a funny post or something. We would just speak casually here and there. 

Then 5 months in, out of nowhere he blocks me and this like really threw me off. After some time about 6 months after the break up i reached out to him to let him know that i have been working on my anxiety and to ask if he would be open to just speaking again and seeing how things go. Like I always thought if i worked on myself maybe he would've been open because we did have an overall happy relationship if not for the circumstances and where I was at at the time. Today he responded and said he didn't want to and told me it'd be best for me to move on.

It was the push I needed to really decide to move on but it doesnt make it any easier. I'm still struggling even though it's been six months on - particularly with my guilt around the whole situation and feeling like i could have done better to save the relationship because i do feel like we were very in love and the relationship is worth saving but I guess it isn't up to me and he probably doesn't have the emotional capacity as he's still healing. 

[kayc]

4 hours ago, pretz said:

I should've done better or i could've saved the relationship if i hadn't been so insecure or anxious.

Nope, this is about him, not you.  Nothing you did or didn't do brought this on, it's how his grief is affecting him.  I hope that brings you some consolation, knowing this is NOT on you!  

 

4 hours ago, pretz said:

I guess it isn't up to me

You are right, he's expressed his wishes, all you can do is respect them.  Not everyone responds like this in their grief, but for those who do, I haven't found any saving the relationship...I've read (and responded to) each and every post in this section, none made it...there was a time or two I thought someone did, but nope, they came back and said no.

As my ex-fiance later told me, he felt guilty for the time he spent with me instead of his mom, even though there's no way he could have known, and we only saw each other on weekends, he had the rest of the week in which to see his mom or anyone he wanted.  And of course I'd have given him the space he needed, but that wasn't afforded me.  He could see his friends, neighbors, XW, everyone, but me he shut out.  I don't claim to get it, but it is what it is.  It's been nearly 11 years now since he broke up with me.

This is a process, we can't be hot and cold (although apparently they can), in love one minute, not caring the next, yet we do ourselves a service by going no contact so that we can begin to heal.  

I wish it were not this way, for your sake, but alas, it is.  Sending you thoughts for healing and peace, going forward.

[BaxterBurg]

So sorry to hear of your situation. Don't be hard on yourself when it comes to feeling insecure; feeling someone pull away from a relationship is an extremely difficult thing to deal with. I have personally yet to read of someone who hasn't blamed themselves in some way--including myself--and I think it's almost impossible not to react to it. I agree with Kayc: this is about how he is dealing with his grief and not about you.

Take care.

[kayc]

You are grieving.  When we're grieving we can't fathom the outcome we've gotten and our minds go through all of the whatifs or should'ves to find some other possible outcome because we can't handle the one that happened!  We affix blame to ourselves because we're the only ones we have control over, but this isn't on us, it's theirs.

[pretz]

@kayc Hi kayc, thank you so much for your kind words and apologies it has taken me awhile to respond to this. I've just been avoiding my feelings and trying to detach from the situation 😪 I accidentally saw a picture of him on one of our mutual friend's social media pictures recently and it hit me pretty hard. It was from around Christmas last year - maybe a couple weeks after we broke up.

I've been trying to move forward and keep myself feeling more positive. Part of me feels like I may still be in denial and hoping that one day in the future if it's meant to be it will be. For right now I'm just trying to move forward and by being in no contact I hope I will eventually find peace with the situation and feel happy again. What you said makes sense, about us affixing blame to ourselves and I think because of my anxiety as well I tend to want to control things or want to fix them. Like my desire is more to make things right than anything else cos I feel like I've let him down in some way. It took alot of self soothing and a conscious effort to remind myself that it wasn't all my fault and it was the circumstance we were in and the level of awareness I was at. I know I did the best that I could at the time, and I never had bad intentions so I can only hope he knows this deep down. 

 

[pretz]

@BaxterBurg Thank you Baxter - I know it was definitely hard on me at the time. In hindsight, I realise that it may not have been personal and he was probably dealing with his grief hence pulling away. But at the time it really make me quite insecure and confused. The hot and cold behaviour was taking a toll on me and as much as I wanted to be there for him and to make him feel better instead of worse, I think it was really tough on me too. Like I was always tiptoeing around him and like trying to be very careful of what I said, trying to "earn" his love and approval again. 

[kayc]

I can understand...been there.  It's hard when someone you love pulls away suddenly and changes towards you.  Our natural instinct is to stop that change...only in this situation we have no power to.

I wish you the best going forward.  It helps to stay in today and try not to worry about the future.

[BaxterBurg]

On 5/23/2021 at 11:05 PM, pretz said:

@BaxterBurg Thank you Baxter - I know it was definitely hard on me at the time. In hindsight, I realise that it may not have been personal and he was probably dealing with his grief hence pulling away. But at the time it really make me quite insecure and confused. The hot and cold behaviour was taking a toll on me and as much as I wanted to be there for him and to make him feel better instead of worse, I think it was really tough on me too. Like I was always tiptoeing around him and like trying to be very careful of what I said, trying to "earn" his love and approval again. 

Oh yes, this could have easily been written by me 5 months ago--it's like a blue print that they all follow. I completely understand why you feel/felt insecure--she tried to make up reasons to break up before doing it, and some of those things haunt me to this day. 

Walking on egg shells is the worst; and the hot/cold behaviour burns you out incredibly-- Those were the worst months of my life, as maybe you can relate. I often tell myself when I'm feeling down: "at least I'm not in that position anymore" and I feel better. 

It does get better, and happiness is attainable again. Take care!

[pretz]

Hey @kayc @BaxterBurg thanks so much for your words of enouragement. An update on this one - just found out today that he actually is in a new relationship and may have been for awhile so its a pretty big blow. Gotta admit i'm pretty hurt because i always just told myself he was grieving and it was a result of his grief (partially at least) but now that i know he's in a new relationship somehow i feel even worse. Like it has made me question my self worth abit and wonder if i just wasn't good enough or he didn't feel it was worth staying or working on things. But i guess maybe it was also the closure i never had and a push for me to let go and move on for good. Although i think it's not really about him anymore.. the whole experience has kinda scarred me abit and i am quite afraid to love again or to be in a relationship again for the fear that this might happen once more. I know i'm projecting but i'm hoping eventually i'll feel more open and willing to put myself out there again because i did give my ex everything and so much of myself to try and save the relationship and help him feel better. Hoping it gets better from here 😔 thank you again for taking the time to respond to this previously i revisit your responses when i'm feeling abit down. 

[BaxterBurg]

3 hours ago, pretz said:

Hey @kayc @BaxterBurg thanks so much for your words of enouragement. An update on this one - just found out today that he actually is in a new relationship and may have been for awhile so its a pretty big blow. Gotta admit i'm pretty hurt because i always just told myself he was grieving and it was a result of his grief (partially at least) but now that i know he's in a new relationship somehow i feel even worse. Like it has made me question my self worth abit and wonder if i just wasn't good enough or he didn't feel it was worth staying or working on things. But i guess maybe it was also the closure i never had and a push for me to let go and move on for good. Although i think it's not really about him anymore.. the whole experience has kinda scarred me abit and i am quite afraid to love again or to be in a relationship again for the fear that this might happen once more. I know i'm projecting but i'm hoping eventually i'll feel more open and willing to put myself out there again because i did give my ex everything and so much of myself to try and save the relationship and help him feel better. Hoping it gets better from here 😔 thank you again for taking the time to respond to this previously i revisit your responses when i'm feeling abit down. 

I'm very sorry that you found this out, and I understand how you must feel. I think, as Kayc might also say, this is common for them to start dating close after the break up, even if they are still grieving. Moreover, some people just can't handle being alone, and it shouldn't reflect on you as a person. But regardless of the reason, it's very hurtful, and I had to experience the same thing. 

It's okay to feel sad - but whether you are open to love again is within you; I think you can grow stronger from this experience rather than it leaving you scarred. I recommend the book "Psyco cybernetics" if you're in the mood for reading. 

Take care

[kayc]

On 7/1/2021 at 6:41 AM, pretz said:

Like it has made me question my self worth abit and wonder if i just wasn't good enough

ABSOLUTELY NOT!  I am sorry this happened to you, as Baxter said, this is also common, although in my situation neither of us dated afterwards (it's been 11 years), but he took his XW in when she would have been homeless so they do everything together like a family now.  I imagine it'll continue the rest of their lives.  We tend to do what we're familiar with unless we learn from it.

Please don't be afraid to love again...that would be the worst thing to come from this!  I'm old now and have gotten used to being alone, there's no men locally I'd be interested in, I don't do the online dating thing, I've set the bar VERY high, and in mine and my son's opinion, it can't be too high!    I've been married four times and engaged twice besides, that's enough to learn from.  My late husband is the only one who truly loved me, and it's been 16 years he's been gone.  Only one person I've "met" that meets all my criteria but he's shown no interest that way and doesn't live here, so it is what it is.  We have a great friendship.  I'd be open to more but the thought, I must admit, also terrifies me.

Don't let this experience rule in you, give yourself time to heal and learn and grow from it, learn what you need about yourself, then be open to possibly...