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Feel Like Giving Up


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The presentation was good.  It always makes me sad I am as old as I am as the thought of finding love again is not in my future.  And that’s OK.  I’m just searching for ways to live in that knowledge that being alone is my destiny now.  I wish there were more topics about that outcome.  But yes, there is no moving on, just moving forward with what we carry from the love we had. The love that still exists and always will.  I don’t even know if death frees us.  I don’t know if I will exist at all when I die, carry the pain with me, see him or bee set free.  So thinking death is an answer is provides no relief.  Being human and survival instincts don’t want to do it.  Just wish I knew what it meant not having the faith many of you have.  

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  • 3 weeks later...

Just checking in. The absence is just driving me crazy and I still can’t get over the fact that I have lost my soul mate. I feel god has tried to tell me that there was nothing I can do as it was part of his plan and I have to move forward but this is excruciating the loss of my beloved.
 

People tell me to take it day by day but this effort just to survive each day without being able to see the path ahead is so painful. Where is the hope without her? 

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I guess for me the "hope" is twofold...we will be together again, but also in the here and now there are little bits of rays of sunshine that it's up to me to look for and embrace for those keep me going in the meanwhile.  Yes it's effort/struggle and pain, but there are also smiles along the way, those are the glimmers I try to hold and remember.

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  • 4 months later...

I've decided to write the following here: I've had the idea, not even the plan, but the idea and purpose to book a flight and travel abroad to visit the country where my boyfriend and I lived. Meet my in laws after 4 years of separation, visit old friends and spend Holidays with them. 

But it wasn't possible to make it true because of budget, because of new restrictions, and so I couldn't travel, and may not be able for another year.

When I was putting back the clothes into boxes, returning back the suitcase and the big winter coat, I couldn't stop thinking of the fact that I have been putting into boxes stuff, projects, expectations since he died. I thought how my world got smaller and smaller and the pain was growing on my chest. That very familiar pain that  comes and goes, but comes back nonetheless. Maybe I should be better off living with no expectations since apparently the Universe is going in that direction. I expected to improve my job position, my salary, find new opportunities. When I moved I bought a large table,  a large couch and set of dishes and kitchen stuff because I was going to host large dinners and friends would come to visit and stayed. That has happened only once in 6 years. 

For some reason I feel that these outcomes are my fault. That the place where I am now is my fault. There must have been something that I missed, or did wrong or choose not to do.

This is a very familiar feeling for survivors. You search and search faults to explain why they died. 

This is another way of trauma expressing itself. Ok I get that, but what can I do? 

My heart is heavy and shattered today.

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I don’t know what you can do, Ana.  I know the pain.  There were many things I tried to do too, but couldn’t.  So many ways he is missing.  You are right, the world is getting smaller and smaller and I’ve been witnessing that for years now, not being able to stop it.  It’s still big for others, not us tho.   I hope you find your way out of questioning yourself and decisions.   Even if we think we could have made a better choice, and I do mean think, we could have made a better ones, it wasn’t true at the time.  We all did the best we could.  It’s too easy to look back and hope for different outcomes.  No matter what I did, I would not have changed an inevitable outcome.  I have a couple of regrets, but I can’t let them rule me now.  If I do go there, I don’t succeed well.  They also became apparent after the fact.  I don’t know how we be kind to ourselves now.  I always hear that.  What we want is the pain to stop.  It’s changed and mutated but will always be there.  I doubt this helps, but I do get it.  💕

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I'm sorry Ana. It sucks to have had something to look forward to be pulled out from under you. I wish I had something to look forward to, but I have no reason to ever travel again. I'm one of those weird people who enjoy flying and the airport experience (at least the way it was before COVID- I don't think it would be fun to see everyone masked. Everybody treats everyone like they have cooties.)

I have so much guilt that I can't live with, but I do because I can't shake it. It hits me out of nowhere with a commercial for something that could have helped Annette or just by looking at the mountains of CD's I bought that could have been money spent on her. I'm punishing myself by not being social when I'm miserable and lonely. So many lonely people in the country and we keep each other away. If I had hope of meeting a friend, of spending time with someone I liked, I could get to the next day easier. I feel like I'm slowly dying (my Sciatica  being really bad this week isn't helping)

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16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I don’t know how we be kind to ourselves now.

By understanding ourselves, accepting ourselves, not faulting ourselves or expecting "should haves..." from ourselves.  Being patient, kind to ourselves.  That's how I try to practice it.  For myself I can easily "go, do" for others, so I recognize the needs to have down time for myself, time to honor and care for myself, even when it means not always meeting what others expect/want/demand.  Sometimes that's the tricky part.  There are so many outside demands on us, even from doctors, neighbors, church, family, gov't.  We have to prioritize what is deadline/priority and some things have to take a back seat.  Sometimes it means saying "No" or "Not now."  It also means letting go of FEELINGS of guilt.  Because that's all it is, a feeling.  It's not like we went to court, were judged and found guilty!  No, these are FEELINGS we lay on ourselves and FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS, sometimes it's time to lay them to rest as it's unproductive...MORE than, it can paralyze us.

Ana, I hope when travel restrictions are lifted you can realize your dream and go back to see his family and where you lived, I'm sure it'd be emotional, but I hope also in a good way.

 

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