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Hello. I have been on this site before. Im 28. I just lost my x bf 3 months ago unexpectedly to an overdose. I had no idea he was even doing drugs. So not only did I have the initial shock but also so disappointed. Prior to his passing I distanced myself and started to talk to someone new who I felt at the time was more balanced for me. Me n my x argued alot so I started to pull away. But my x never gave up on me. He always wanted to be with me but I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. We would argue a lot but there was a lot of love between us. 
       So he was in the army and he only had a few days left in the state before he moved and we finally got back on good terms. I started to see him and hang out before he was about to leave altho I still was interested in someone else. But I didn’t want him to leave the state and us not be in good terms. I cared so much for Him. I actually started to contemplate maybe giving us another shot. Then boom, he leaves this earth and since than I have never felt so alone.

      The new guy I was talking to was a good distraction but now he ultimately would up leaving me in a very rude hurtful way. So I gave him a chance and lost the one person who ever loved me so much and held me so high in the process.. now I really alone and I just don’t want to do this anymore.. I’m tired. I’m hurt. I miss my x so much. I wish I gave us a chance again sooner .. im really messed uP mentally. 

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Dee P:  My label on this forum is Dee, also.  Reading your post you state you are 28 so I am old enough to be your Grandmother and feel sad that you are having to find your way to a Grief Forum at such a young age.  Losing your partner at three months, you are in the early stages of grief.  The only advice I can offer is try to take each day one minute at a time and one step at a time.  I hope you will find the strength to slowly face the grief of losing the young man you loved so deeply as difficult as it is.  Good thoughts to you.  Dee 

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6 hours ago, widow'15 said:

Dee P:  My label on this forum is Dee, also.  Reading your post you state you are 28 so I am old enough to be your Grandmother and feel sad that you are having to find your way to a Grief Forum at such a young age.  Losing your partner at three months, you are in the early stages of grief.  The only advice I can offer is try to take each day one minute at a time and one step at a time.  I hope you will find the strength to slowly face the grief of losing the young man you loved so deeply as difficult as it is.  Good thoughts to you.  Dee 

Aww thank you. Yeah we dated a year, but kept talking the whole next year, so overall 2 years. :(. I miss my best friend deeply 

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I, too, am much older than you.  I got to live decades with my true love.  That opportunity was stolen from you.  That’s painful enough with a breakup, but a death is shocking.  I considered myself ripped off being barely 59 even I lost him.  Back that up about 30 years and I don’t know how I would have reacted. The only people that died then were older people in my family.  
 

I wish I knew some words that would help.  Just know you aren’t alone in your pain.  We here all know it all to well.  Being mentally messed up is normal.  When I feel like I’m losing it, I remind myself I have good reason.  So do you.  I find sharing here help to others that get it.  Outsiders just can’t relate.  Often saying things that don’t help at all.  I hope you will keep sharing here.

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35 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 Outsiders just can’t relate.  Often saying things that don’t help at all.

So true!!!!! Nobody I talk to truly gets it. Only unfortunately others who have lost their partner. And Altho me and Him argued a lot doesn’t mean there wasn’t true love involved. People try to tell me it prob wasn’t going to work out and I want to punch them. It doesn’t matter. Death is a permanent thing. They still all have their x’s alive they can reach out to if they wanted. I can’t. I can’t even say hi ever again.He meant so much to me. He was a giant part of my heart and me. And to be talking all morning like normal and then just poof he’s gone. Tragic and traumatic. And yeah it’s really hard to have to go through this young. I absolutely feel like Our time was cut short and it’s unfair. I question how I can move forward. My heart and soul yearns for him it hurts. 

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7 minutes ago, DeeP said:

they can reach out to if they wanted. I can’t. I can’t even say hi ever again.

Yup.  I hear you.  We separated twice, but I knew I could call or see him.  Losing that is what others don’t get.  Just knowing they are out there makes death so devastating.

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Dee, first I want to say I am sorry for all you've been going through.  But this is not an "either/or" situation (either this guy or that one), people are complex and carry good and bad traits, strengths and weaknesses, and it's more about being with the one right for you.  They are both out of that equation now and you're left with disappointment and heartache.  It's important to take some time for healing within yourself, healing of your broken heart and yes you are grieving...not only the person but also loss of dreams and hope for the future...that does not mean you do not have a hopeful future yet ahead of you though!  It means the one you saw is out of the picture now.  :(  In time, with healing and reflection and learning from your experiences, you can go forward and build from where you are.

I wish so much for you going forward!  Yes, it can take much time to process our grief.  And I hope for you a better future than what some of us old folks are having!  ;)

 

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16 hours ago, DeeP said:

I miss my best friend deeply

I get that.  It's been 16 years since I've lost my husband and I continue to miss him!  I've never seen anyone I've fit with any better than him!  We were a perfect fit...he was not perfect though, he also chose drugs much to my chagrin!  That's the one thing that's hard reconciling, he knew how strongly I opposed that and the lies/deception and theft of our household (me who was left holding the bag/financial indebtedness)...I felt betrayed and him not here to answer for himself to me!  You can feel hurt/anger/betrayal and still love/miss someone at the same time, both feelings valid.

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I am so sorry for you loss,  you have  gotten  lots of good advice  already  not much more I can say except  I can relate I lost my husband  of 26 years to an overdose of fentanyl I unlike you knew  he was using I didn't  like it and it caused alot of problems  for us he also  had bipolar  disorder  but threw it all I stuck by him, swelling on what you felt or should have  done is truly hard I know  I dwelled on my guilt for along time if only I could  have  been tougher force him to stop to get help but unfortunately  would have  could have  should have  only make us feel worse and don't  bring our loved ones back, and yes it is so true no one who has  not lost there partner  to death will ever understand  how could they, I know  nothing I can way will take away your pain just know  that the pain does lighten it never goes away  but it lightens and know  you are never  alone hugs

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I was married a very long time.  Lived 2-3 lifetimes during those years.  Nothing was perfect, but most times we faced it together.  I know this seems simple to hard core drugs, but it was not simple.  He was told the nicotine was narrowing his arteries in his late 30's, in his early 40's he had probably the first kidney stent operation that had been performed at our teaching hospital.  This was where I worked and retired from my first retirement.  They put stents in two kidney arteries after he was stroking out after mowing the yard.  In ICU a few days and discharged with malignant hypertension.  I shut myself up in the bathroom.  I was just a transcriptionist, we did not have computers, but I had access to the whole medical library.  I hated that diagnosis.  I shut myself up in that bathroom and cried and cried.  Billy asked the doc why I did that. Doc told him "because she loves you."  I asked him to check his renal lab work.  They found he had three kidney arteries, two were occluded and he was only alive because he had an accessory artery.  Those stents gave him another at least 40 years.  He had to quit smoking, but he took up smokeless tobacco.  I never fussed but my first article I typed from a doctor to be published in a medical journal was on smokeless tobacco and cancer.  No one in Billy's family had ever had liver or colon cancer and despite two checkups a year, despite all lab work that had to have been skipped over, he slipped away from cancer within 5-6 weeks.  He had about a week of hurting.  That was too much.  So, whatever the drug is, we all hurt ourselves taking legal "drugs" too.  Runners, trying to stay healthy die of heart attacks.  We cannot make it right.  We cannot go back and change things.  Our hematologist told us those words we knew so well.  "should of, would of, could of" and it was what it was.  My grandson, if he is still alive, is lost in the drug jungles of California.  He was in rehab.  He came out and in his 30's, I still remembered the little boy.  He was a sweetheart.  I have to put him out of my mind, I have to.  He told us he felt good, he was the most sane I had heard him speak in years.  And his words to us all were, I'm sorry, but I will not give the drugs up.  And, that was the last we heard.  He stayed with us during his junior year in high school and in six months had won a medal for his art.  A loss to himself, his relatives, friends, daughter and humanity.  I'm so sorry about your loss.  No words can express how it hurts my heart, and we are legion.  

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23 hours ago, Marg M said:

I was married a very long time.  Lived 2-3 lifetimes during those years.  Nothing was perfect, but most times we faced it together.  I know this seems simple to hard core drugs, but it was not simple.  He was told the nicotine was narrowing his arteries in his late 30's, in his early 40's he had probably the first kidney stent operation that had been performed at our teaching hospital.  This was where I worked and retired from my first retirement.  They put stents in two kidney arteries after he was stroking out after mowing the yard.  In ICU a few days and discharged with malignant hypertension.  I shut myself up in the bathroom.  I was just a transcriptionist, we did not have computers, but I had access to the whole medical library.  I hated that diagnosis.  I shut myself up in that bathroom and cried and cried.  Billy asked the doc why I did that. Doc told him "because she loves you."  I asked him to check his renal lab work.  They found he had three kidney arteries, two were occluded and he was only alive because he had an accessory artery.  Those stents gave him another at least 40 years.  He had to quit smoking, but he took up smokeless tobacco.  I never fussed but my first article I typed from a doctor to be published in a medical journal was on smokeless tobacco and cancer.  No one in Billy's family had ever had liver or colon cancer and despite two checkups a year, despite all lab work that had to have been skipped over, he slipped away from cancer within 5-6 weeks.  He had about a week of hurting.  That was too much.  So, whatever the drug is, we all hurt ourselves taking legal "drugs" too.  Runners, trying to stay healthy die of heart attacks.  We cannot make it right.  We cannot go back and change things.  Our hematologist told us those words we knew so well.  "should of, would of, could of" and it was what it was.  My grandson, if he is still alive, is lost in the drug jungles of California.  He was in rehab.  He came out and in his 30's, I still remembered the little boy.  He was a sweetheart.  I have to put him out of my mind, I have to.  He told us he felt good, he was the most sane I had heard him speak in years.  And his words to us all were, I'm sorry, but I will not give the drugs up.  And, that was the last we heard.  He stayed with us during his junior year in high school and in six months had won a medal for his art.  A loss to himself, his relatives, friends, daughter and humanity.  I'm so sorry about your loss.  No words can express how it hurts my heart, and we are legion.  

Wow. Your story is touching. I’m sorry :( . It is very sad how people turn to drugs at times. I knew he wanted to do better, he just didn’t know how to cope and facing it head on was painful for him. I knew he was a alcoholic, but I just never would have thought he was doing coke. He also had a heart issue too. Makes me so mad. He was better than that. He pressed his luck. And left me alone.it’s selfish of me to want him back, and it’s a little selfish of me to want to be with him knowing I’d be leaving my family behind to. But this pain , losing my best friend.. everyday is a struggle for me. About your grandson I’m sorry to hear that too. In today’s world, being my age.. I see how people are just falling victim to all these things.  And it’s sad. 

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On 7/7/2021 at 11:49 AM, Kevinslove said:

you are never  alone hugs

❤️❤️❤️.  I come to you guys because I’m at a fork in the road here… unfortunately you guys are the only ones who can understand the pain of losing their best friend. Partner. I struggle everyday. N the people around me have no idea how weak and depressed I feel yet how HARD I fight everyday. To remain alive, I deal… but I can’t lie and say I don’t wanna just be with him in heaven. I feel so internally alone, and that’s what kills me the most. I don’t do drugs like that, I take xanex .. and Iv thought about just taking a whole bunch and saying f it but I also can’t bring myself to do that. I just hate this. . My life literally is not the same. 

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My dear, we are all concerned for you and hope you know that, as Kevinslove said, you are never alone, and we are here for you. If you think you need more than we can offer, I urge you to seek the support of a qualified, professional grief counselor: Finding Grief Support That Is Right for You

I share this with you only if you think it may pertain to you. It is taken from our site's Guidelines:

The site is not intended for individuals who are in crisis and actively contemplating suicide.  If you're thinking of suicide, read this first.  If you are experiencing serious suicidal thoughts that you cannot control, please stop now and telephone 911 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline1-800-273-TALK (8255). Using your smart phone, contact the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741. In the UK the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123. The crisis support service Lifeline in Australia is 13 11 14. The International Association for Suicide Prevention maintains a database of crisis centers throughout the world. Other international suicide helplines can be found at Befrienders Worldwide.

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17 hours ago, DeeP said:

it’s selfish of me to want him back

I don't see it as selfish, I see it as natural when you love someone.  But "going to be with him" before your time is not the route to take.  No guarantees that would work, and what of those who love you here?  Why would you want to do to them what he's done to you?  I realize logic is not likely to stop you, but I really hope you will call a suicide hotline and get some help from a grief counselor.  It's so important to give ourselves the proper time to begin to adjust and see some light at the end of the tunnel!  The "tips" article I wrote are things I've found helpful along the way, some things to implement in the early grief, others to add later on in your journey.  I've been reading posts here and elsewhere for 16 years and recognize a cry for help if I've ever heard one. :wub:  We are here for you if you want us to be.

Believe it or not, suicidal feelings in early grief are common...I think the thought crossed many of our minds early on.  I do NOT feel that way today!  I realized it's not that I want to die but that I didn't want to go through what I'd have to go through to LIVE.  Hence, one day at a time.  I can do today.  Sometimes I had to break it down to an hour or even just a minute.  I try not to think ahead too much.  The whole "rest of our lives" can seem daunting.  I did get on anxiety meds eventually as I have GAD, but I did my own research and ended up on one I considered safe, without numbing me or making me feel robotic and do not seem to have side effects, I've been on it since 2008 and plan to the rest of my life.  It takes the edge off so I can better cope. ;) Buspirone/buspar low dose.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/02/thoughts-of-suicide-in-grief.html

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My experience with this has changed over the years.  I wasn’t suicidal when he died, but it hits me more often now.  And it’s not really wanting to die, it’s just not wanting to do this anymore.  I’m worn out after almost 7 years.  I don’t want to die because I don’t know what that means or brings.  I have no one it would hurt if I did which is painful as well.  I wound up totally alone from this and that was/is hard to take.  Being older those you counted on start disappearing for various reasons including dying too.  So it’s a mental struggle daily being here.  To try and find meaning in my 60’s is very hard.  Not without connection with others.  That is the very thing I lost and can’t re establish and I’ve been trying for a long time.  I get asked that question, are you thinking of hurting yourself, often by doctors and I say no, I just have no reason to be here.  There is so little time in my day I like.  Mostly it’s watching a show or movie I get lost in for a short time.  When it ends the darkness is there immediately.  Then I dive into video games to kill time.  
 

Deep, I totally relate to how you are feeling.  I know how it was to have people around that don’t get it.  I still have a few people in my life I talk to occasionally, but this subject, Steve and how I feel along this path, is not one they want to hear about anymore.  He may come up in an anecdote, but that’s about it. I only have here and my counselors to be free to talk about it.  I know I will be carrying this the rest of my life.  I won’t have as long as you, but that’s not the point.  The point is we are so alone in this.  It isn’t that way for some.  They have someone in the life to share the pain with tho it’s different pain for them, a child or sibling.  I’m not one of those.  I’m also so very tired as being seen as doing OK when the very people that do that are the ones that forced me into acting that way for their benefit.  I’m learning to be more honest and if they don’t like it, we’ll, I may lose them. I can’t keep draining what little reserves I have to appease them.  I’m not always maudlin, but I want to be able to express it when it’s where I am.  
 

I hope you keep the above numbers if you need them.  I have them on my phone as well.  It’s hard to fathom we might need them when our life was whole.  Please reach out here or to them if it gets to be too much.  

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Gwen

(((hugs))))  It has also hit me that I have no one who'd really miss me and care if I was gone, maybe my kids a bit but I'm not part of their everyday lives and rarely hear from them, so...not so much.  My sister would but I'll likely outlive her.  I hope so because she's so dependent and has no one other than me and one friend.

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On 7/9/2021 at 8:50 AM, kayc said:

I realized it's not that I want to die but that I didn't want to go through what I'd have to go through to LIVE. 

That’s exactly how I feel. I know I can never bring myself to do anything. But it just sucks because you know as long as you remain alive, the pain is still there. So it’s like everyday is a little torturous. I am fighting it’s just my heart hurts everyday. I feel so lonely and I truly want to feel companionship again, and it just sucks :(

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23 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I’m also so very tired as being seen as doing OK when the very people that do that are the ones that forced me into acting that way for their benefit.  I’m learning to be more honest and if they don’t like it, we’ll, I may lose them. I can’t keep draining what little reserves I have to appease them.  I’m not always maudlin, but I want to be able to express it when it’s where I am.  

Gwen, this is so very well put. You managed to capture quite a lot in a few sentences.  💖

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A blog I follow echoes this concept of appeasing others that Gwen mentions above.  I thought it was too good to not share.  Here's a snippet:

"If we are grieving, those same sociological effects are at work. People try to chivvy us out of our grief with blatant platitudes. They try to cheer us up because society needs us to be happy and productive, not morose and sad and grieving. They urge us to move on because they need us to move on, not because we need to."

https://bertramsblog.com/2021/07/11/sociological-aspects-of-grief/

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Thanks for sharing that, Kieron.  I’ve bookmarked it as it has a wealth of information regarding the disparities we in have to grapple with along with our grief.  I didn’t ever expect it to be so lonely.  You think your friends would be there for you, no matter what.  I could see if we were getting into unhealthy places,  but the general path most walk should be respected.  I never thought the only people I can truly confide in are here and counselors.  People don’t realize how painful their withdrawal from us is.  
 

I experienced this when I lost my mother.  No one else in my life had. Just simple 'sorrys' was all I got.   When they began to they all came to me.  Suddenly my grief had value because they needed it.  Steve didn’t know how to totally support me, but he tried.  When his mother died, I could be there for him 100%.  Truly no one can relate until they experience it, but they can stand by you if they choose.

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Dee P yes unfortunately  the pain is always  with us but I try to remember  that the love is always  with me to though I can't  hold or see Kevin's smile anymore  I know  that I was blessed to of had that love and I try to keep it in me even on the darkest  days, I was lucky to of been able to love again  but deep in my heart  I know  that the love I had with Kevin  will never  be the same  that I now share with someone  else even to this day Kevin  was my soulmate,  I didn't  want  to be here without  him not  even for a minute  but I knew  he tried so hard to keep  me safe when  he was alive that he would not want  me to be with him before  my time it is not an easy rode not one I wish for anyone  to be on but if I had to choose between  having  the love I had and feeling  loss now or never  knowing  that love I would choose  the loss everytime because  I was so blessed,  and not for this to sound wrong but I learned so much with the loss, I learned to never  take someone  I love for granted,  I learned to never hold onto  anger, I learned  to appreciate  so much more so even in his death Kevin  gave me a new life hugs to you , you are never  alone

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Thank you for sharing, @Kevinslove I too have learned so much on my journey.  I also feel as you, so blessed to have had him in my life for even the all-too-short time that we had, he also was my soulmate, no doubt about it.  I know no two loves are the same, whether it be with dog or man, the relationships are naturally unique and no one "replaces" another, instead we love them for the unique qualities they bear.

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  • 2 months later...
On 7/19/2021 at 1:46 PM, Kevinslove said:

Dee P yes unfortunately  the pain is always  with us but I try to remember  that the love is always  with me to though I can't  hold or see Kevin's smile anymore  I know  that I was blessed to of had that love and I try to keep it in me even on the darkest  days, I was lucky to of been able to love again  but deep in my heart  I know  that the love I had with Kevin  will never  be the same  that I now share with someone  else even to this day Kevin  was my soulmate,  I didn't  want  to be here without  him not  even for a minute  but I knew  he tried so hard to keep  me safe when  he was alive that he would not want  me to be with him before  my time it is not an easy rode not one I wish for anyone  to be on but if I had to choose between  having  the love I had and feeling  loss now or never  knowing  that love I would choose  the loss everytime because  I was so blessed,  and not for this to sound wrong but I learned so much with the loss, I learned to never  take someone  I love for granted,  I learned to never hold onto  anger, I learned  to appreciate  so much more so even in his death Kevin  gave me a new life hugs to you , you are never  alone

Wow .. thank you for sharing. Your perspective is beautiful and your right I know. I’m doing my best to shift my outlook in that direction. Right now I feel very very detached. Any man trying to get to know me feels uncomfortable, I compare everyone to him, it’s just hard to move on. I can be with someone but emotionally it just scares me. Which I think means I’m not ready idk. It’s still fresh. I don’t want to stay at rock bottom and entertain guys that mean nothing . I’m young and the dating world now is really bad. People just play around and it makes me miss Jody so much. He loved me more than anything. And I felt so safe with him. Now I feel open, scared, unprotected and lost. :/

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I understand your comparing, it's something we struggle with when we've had the best.

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