Losing my wife of 45 years

[Gwenivere]

I even find going to sleep a bit dreaded as I know I’ll have to wake and get up.  Definitely hate it.  I’m wondering if I’m becoming antisocial as I got more depressed meeting with some people I see every Sunday.  Just w sited to leave and be home even tho I’m so lonely.  Definitely going to be a topic for my counseling this week.  Have 2 Zoom meetings Monday and I find them more comfortable.  A few months ago I disliked them for lack of real contact.  I really have no idea what is happening to me.  All I want to do is cry.  I can’t stand the pain and my options.  

[AlvinC]

Depression is crushing. I haven't done any Zoom events. I was scheduled to do one as an interview for a personality YouTube channel as an INTJ, but then Dotti got sick and then she died quickly, so that was canceled; there was no way I was up for that then or maybe ever. I think maybe people, who are living their happy little lives as if nothing had changed, are a reminder of what was lost when our soulmate died. Suddenly they are living a different life, one that we have lost, and it is a reminder of that. 

I think the reason I look forward to going to sleep at night is that I can escape to Attis, my fictional paradise I began creating in 2016. I have many eras that I can run to and I will set my Kindle ebook reader up to read my stories to me and I am transported there, away from this dismal place, and there Cookie and Bill (metaphors for Dotti and me) are living happily together and their children are living out their lives. I have more than 100 years of Attis "history" to choose from and I can pick situations that match my mood at bedtime. It's running away, but I love it. If it weren't for that, I don't know if I could sleep at all. 

But then I wake up, back on Earth. 

[kayc]

23 hours ago, AlvinC said:

I haven't run into a type called "prophet" yet.

This was a "gifting" not personality but along the same lines.

[kayc]

I haven't used my Kindle in so long I don't even know if it'll run, no updates, I bought it right before Christmas 2014 before I had surgery, haven't used it much since as I don't like the operating system.  it was handy being small and lightweight for travel.

Gwen, has something occurred to make you less desiring of seeing the people on Sunday/dinners?

 

[Kevinslove]

I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my husband  of 26 years 5 years ago , we never made it to 45 years that is along time  alot of wonderful  memories  I am sure of, I was not able to say goodbye  to Kevin  he passed away from a drug overdose  when  I was at work, not that being able so say goodbye  makes it any easier in anyway  but I wish I had a chance  to say my final goodbye to say I love you and share his last moments  together,  I had 7 grandkids  when he passed  away  I now have 9 with two on the way they truly do give you a reason  to smile and keep going, , I  know that this road is along one full of sadness  and loneliness but know  that you are never  alone hugs

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Gwen, has something occurred to make you less desiring of seeing the people on Sunday/dinners?

 I think it’s the reminder every week that they have so much to do, have lots of friends and aren’t slaves to big maladies.  I had the same feeling after my Zoom call and hearing how busy this acquaintance is.  It’s not just these people, it’s being around anyone that has a life.  I read things people are doing here and get bummed out because I feel so unproductive.  So much I want to do, but can’t.  It’s classic anger turned inward to create deep depression.
 

It’s also a situation I’m treated as handicapped.  I am, but sometimes everyone wanting to do everything for you, tho the motivation is to be nice, just makes me feel more dependent.  Even the people at the church brought my meal to the car while I was masking up to hobble over.  It may hurt, but I have to move some.  Found that out today with as much pain and I did nothing very physical yesterday. 

[AlvinC]

8 hours ago, kayc said:

I haven't used my Kindle in so long I don't even know if it'll run, no updates,

I have a pocket Sony reader, and another small one that is a Kindle for my coat pocket that I use in the cooler months whenever I get stuck waiting somewhere. But mostly I use a large Kindle at night, that my wife handed down to me, and I have two smaller ones under my night stand, one each given to me by each son on succeeding Christmases. I use a program called Calibre to convert DOCX files I have written, or ebook files like epub, to Kindle files, and then I transfer them to my Kindle so I can use them there. With sites like Gutenberg.org, there are so many free books to download I don't have enough years left me to read them all.   

[AlvinC]

 KevinsLove- I'm sorry you missed getting to see Kevin to say your goodbyes. I do understand your frustration in missing him. In 1973 my 45-year-old father was in a terrible propane explosion and fire. He survived for a short time but he died just before I could get there to say goodbye. It was 49 years later, but I was thinking of that all the way on the drive to get to Mom in 2012, after I got the word that she was on her way out. I kept saying, "Not again!" But I got there in time, and I held my mother's hand for the last couple of hours of her life. Alas, she was not responsive. I talked to her and sang songs that I knew she loved. But she gave no indication that she heard anything at all. However, there was one point during that time where I was talking with a chaplain that stepped in for a bit, and I was telling him something of my Mom's history and the fun we had when I was a kid, and I turned and looked at Mom, and there was a tear running down her cheek. She didn't look at me, or give any other indication that she heard me, but I have always thought that she did, at least that one time. When she breathed her last, I just sat there holding her hand until a nurse came after awhile and the formalities took over where they had to report the death, etc. 

I did get to talk with Dotti before she died and I am glad for that, but if she had checked out overnight instead, without my knowing, I would still be right here in the same hole. However, even though I spent most of 47 years telling Dotti how much I loved her, so there was little that actually needed to be said, as she was leaving, and she knew how much I loved her and how much I would miss her, I would be like you and feel like I was deprived of that last goodbye if I hadn't got to be there. 

Five years. I can't even picture me being her five years from now. If I get there, I will feel like I have climbed Mt. Everest. Treasure those grandchildren! (I'm sure you do.) My oldest grandchild is 3 years older than I was when my first son was born. I never know when some great-grandkids will be dropping in. 

Thank you for your hugs and your kinds words. I wish you the best!

[kayc]

I can have no regrets.  We treated each other with love and respect.

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know where regrets came up, but I have some.  Our marriage wasn’t without problems.   I remember tImes he deliberately hurt me.  He knew it too.  I don’t recall my ever doing that to him to the deep extent he did to me.  Or deliberately.  It took him years to become the perfect man.  I hung in there because I loved what I saw in him so much.  It’s only when I let him go that he found his true angers and they weren’t me.  I was just handy.  My regret is not having the life wisdom to see this and allow him that power.  But because of that love we both possessed, tho he thought it was gone for a long time, we came thru that ultimate test. It was then that we had over 20 years of a union that was unbreakable ever again, til he left without wanting to. We still had problems like any couple, but our solutions were so much more productive ad deepening our connection. I don’t want to look at it as a 'regret', but that made the loss so devastating I’m still lost and getting nowhere looking at life without him. Like I loved too much.  I would never want to change that when I had him.  But now?  Maybe after all these years I’m getting worn down and wish I could live with this better.  My reactions to big problems always turn to wanting his help or input.  He’s never there now.  It’s a darkness I carry every moment.  Conscious or not.  I know I’ll feel it looking at the food sale ads today.  I should give that up, but it was what I always did.  There’s so much I should give up now, but when I do let go of something, it’s that scab Marg talked of being ripped off again.  I’m tired of gaping wounds and knowing they will keep happening.  They don’t even shrink at least a little over time.

[AlvinC]

Gwenivere- Your tag line, "We grieve in direct proportion to how much we love," is so on point. We had some friends years ago, who said that Dotti, with her people skills might find a way to go on after I died, but I would never make it without her. But Dotti didn't buy it. She always told me that she didn't want me leaving her all alone in this cruel world. Neither one of us wanted to be in this position. But I got the short straw. I do get some comfort in knowing that my Dotti has not been abandoned by my dying to face what I am facing. I feel like I have done something positive for her, doing this terrible thing, so she didn't have to. We talked about dying from time to time, and my novel was my attempt to find an escape clause from this agony before it came. But there is no escape clause, the contract is iron clad: you are born, therefore you die, there are no exceptions. 

For years I knew that I would be in trouble if anything happened to Dotti. I knew I centered everything around her. I knew that would be a huge problem if anything happened to her. But I didn't care, because I loved her so much. Now I must face the music, and see if I can find some way to go on. Our son had his 44th birthday yesterday and I was reliving the things we had to go through 44 years ago for that event. We lived on Midway Island and it had pretty lame medical facilities. So, the Navy flew her into Honolulu where she could have our son at Tripler Army Hospital. I was able to be there and we had a few days of sight seeing and many other things that were special memories for us. Being there for our son's delivery was a wonderful experience. I have loads of pictures from the time surrounding that day. He was so cute seat-belted into the plane in his little baby-carrying plastic bed, only 3 days old, making his first flight. She was adorable holding our son in the hospital and then back home. I guess my only real regret is that she isn't here any longer, but that one is huge.  

At this point, my greatest fear is that this pain won't ease off and this is what the rest of my life will be like. If it goes on for two long, I will start to look at Dotti's urn with more and more jealousy, hoping to shorten the wait until we are together again. For now I am biding my time and hoping for something better to come along. When my ex-wife left me, I was 22 years old, and had my whole life ahead of me. There was lots of time and lots of reason to start over and build a new life. but in a month and 2 days I will turn 70 and my life is mostly behind me, no matter how you slice it. Time is running out, and most of my energy has already evaporated. So, I am stuck living in the ruins of the castle that once was a fairy tale that should have had us living happily ever after. Happily ever after always ends badly, which the fairy tales fail to mention. They hint at it of course. Many of them start with a happy couple separated by death and then a step-parent comes in to make a mess of paradise, creating the setting for something magical to happen. Sadly this is real life, not a fairy tale; "ever after" only lasted for just over four and half decades. It was wonderful, but sadly I still want more. That want is a constant ache in my heart.   

[kayc]

The pain's intensity lessens as we begin to process and adjust, but can be made more complicated by physical infirmities/pain, growing old alone, that brings it's own bag...

[Gwenivere]

Complicated grief is a tough one.  I hate that so it feels worse now 6 years in.  That is exacerbated by all the physical things going wrong.  Had I been able to continue many activities, I could quell the grief a bit and feel it would be hard, but I could still find some good places now and then.  I had those times til so much has gone wrong the past 2 years.  My frustration now is I can’t seem to get any help with this extreme of feelings.  The feelings will only change if I can stop the pain.  Options are so scary, especially to face alone.  
 

I was reading an article when I got up about how fatigued so many people are.  We’ve been under threat from the virus and all it changed for so long that the vaccine hope is even now become an iffy thing again.  It made perfect sense to me.  A lot of my fatigue and fuzzy thinking are from pain, but also from being in defense mode for so long.  Their calling it trauma for good reason.  This is a bit of it as it won’t let me copy a URL for the whole article....

********

We have also been repeatedly exposed to death and illness via the media, and it’s known that exposure to distressing news is associated with traumatic stress and other mental health symptoms. And due to pandemic-related restrictions, people haven’t had access to the support systems and coping skills they would normally turn to, said Sarah Lowe, a clinical psychologist and assistant professor in the Department of Social and Behavioral Sciences at the Yale School of Public Health.

When our stress systems are chronically activated — as they have been throughout the pandemic — our bodies start to experience some wear and tear. Traumatic experiences run down the immune system, affect our circadian rhythms and impair our digestive health, Lowe said. When we’re actively going through a traumatic experience, our bodies produce a surplus of energy to combat mental and physical stressors. The body goes into survivor mode, and without time to recover, this can deplete our energy reserves.

************

I’ve watched the news and it still is ever changing what is mandated or changed every few days.  There isn’t any linear progress to feeling we are really winning this battle.  I never worried about being alone at home, I do now, falls, etc.  I especially hate that if has affected my thinking.  I don’t feel sharp anymore. I don’t have dementia, but it sure seems that way most of the time.  I don’t feel social when that is what I really need, not that I have any opportunities from limits and anyone to do things with.  At most it’s phone or Zoom calls.  I miss going to stores and getting lost looking around.  Now it’s can I handle walking and how long.  We have so many beautiful places to hang out here in Seattle.  I’ve sat in many parking lots watching the people.  That got too depressing I don’t anymore.  I don’t even know what to say in counseling anymore.  I can’t find the words.  I used to look forward to that time to unburden myself.  Now I leave feeling I killed an hour I would have just had to get thru anyway.  
 

Steve and I talked about death when the cancer came into our lives.  We both felt we wouldn’t do well being alone. He even felt he wouldn’t make it this long as he wouldn’t need to keep his alcohol use under control.  His stance was when our last dog died, he would have no reason to be here anymore.  He loved life, but I knew him well enough that he would be so dramatically changed I believed him.  This fight has been going on for me since 2009.  5 years of that watching him change against his will from the happiest person I knew to someone I hardly knew anymore.  That was a crushing blow.  I’ll never know how he would have done.  I know he loved our family first and foremost and if that were gone, I feel his demons would have taken over as did he.  After Ally died he would have nothing of that family.  I don’t think he could have lived without it.  He told me he would only be motivated til he lost her too.  He was never the same when we lost Belle months before I lost him.  I guess we all want the happily ever after.  

[scba]

My boyfriend had a fragile health, vulnerable to viruses. I can't utter the words aloud but I can voice them here... this virus at any of his variants would have killed him. Last year, I spent many nights thinking that he would have died anyway. We couldn't have had escaped.

Those nights were terribly cold.

 

 

 

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

That is exacerbated by all the physical things going wrong.  Had I been able to continue many activities, I could quell the grief a bit and feel it would be hard, but I could still find some good places now and then.

Exactly!  That's why I think growing old alone can complicate our grief.  The pain and limitations narrow our world.  I go to my grief groups & diabetic group every day, I take Kodie to his play date every day, I talk to my sister every day.  I walk every day.  I visit my neighbor across the street every week.  Having this routine helped me during the pandemic of social isolation.  None of my neighbors wears masks unless going to the store or doctor, but none of us go anywhere much.  I go to church every week, it's small, it provides PPE but doesn't police people with it either, we have a lot of people with breathing issues.  I've literally prayed no one gets it!  What a year...and more.

[Gwenivere]

I am truly envious of your being able to do so many things, Kay.  It’s not just you, anyone I see that can do day to day things.  Facing yet another day with no real plans is getting old.  Lots of ideas in my head, but they require walking and I’d sure like to stand without feeling like I’m going to collapse.  I’d love to take Mel to the dog park and the groomers to be brushed.  I went to the grocery yesterday and go right to what I want to buy and don’t linger because I still have to get it inside and put away.  I miss standing outside talking with neighbors when I had ones I knew.  It’s the oddest twist that not just the pandemic cut off so much but the little things I did became undo able.  Meeting those women at the CC changing now as I can’t maintain a strong connection by not doing anything with them but chat once a week unless I trek to their neighborhood.  They are becoming tighter friends the way people do.  Hanging out together.  Shared experiences.  Just a couple of years ago I was volunteering and had the guys coming by for music on Friday nights.  I felt connected to life.  All that is gone.  Don’t go to a buddies house and sit in the yard with the dogs now.  
 

I got email today from the vet that helped Ally pass.  I appreciated it, but hadn’t committed the date to memory.  Now I have that.  It was also not the best thing to find waking up as I miss her every day.  I so miss her coming with me on drives as my copilot.  Such the opposite of Mel.  Overly out going and fearless.  I’ve always been aware of how much quieter it has been without her, but more so ttoday.

 

[kayc]

She's so beautiful, I know you miss her.  Just like I miss Arlie.  It's pain inside my heart.

[AlvinC]

I'm going through my days with little direction. I wake up and check my email and then try and find something to hold my attention. I had one little bright spot pop up, when I found that if I put on some easy listening instrumental music, I could do a bit of writing. I added a couple of chapters to a book I have been working on this year. I haven't been able to work the plotting out on paper first as I used to do, and I may have to go back and redo it all over again, but just being able to write at all felt positive. I had a followup appointment yesterday with my doctor, to see how my anti-anxiety medication was working. It definitely has helped some with the anxiety, but my body doesn't like it much, so the jury is still out whether or not I will keep using it, or will switch to something else. Time will tell. 

I have nowhere to hide. My father was an alcoholic and that pretty well messed up my childhood, and I swore that I would never do that to my wife and kids. So, I have done very little drinking in my life, and so I can't see me getting drunk to solve my problems. I don't do any recreational drugs, and I even gave up smoking in 1998. So, it's me and my grief going head to head, with just a little assist coming from my anti-anxiety meds. (The place where I live doesn't allow pets, not even a goldfish. No help there for me.)

Every day I ask myself, "What's the point of all this?" I have no goals left me. So, I am poking around trying to find something that matters to me that I can pursue. Maybe, if I can get my focus back, I can make YouTube videos again. Maybe I can find something else that matters to me. I write because I enjoy it, and I can use it to help me sleep at night. I have no thought of selling it. And now the only reading audience that mattered to me, my wife, is gone. 

So, I am treading water in a river that is carrying me along, with no knowledge of what lies ahead, and no way to know when that will change, if ever. I just never really faced the fact that this day could come so soon. Deep inside, I knew it could come, but I lived in denial, until I was slapped in the face with the event itself. What a mess. 

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, AlvinC said:

I just never really faced the fact that this day could come so soon. Deep inside, I knew it could come, but I lived in denial, until I was slapped in the face with the event itself. What a mess. 

I think we all lived like that.  Not a person doesn’t know death is inevitable.   But until it truly touches us do we take it seriously.  Almost 40 years ago we said those words getting married.   They were just words we knew were part of the tradition.  Smiling as we said them.  
 

I’m glad you have your writing.  I don’t have anything to take refuge in and my attention if I did is focused on how to survive another day in pain.  I’ve got 15 hours to go to escape back to sleep.  My anxiety meds aren’t as effective because the stress is higher right now.  It just adds to the stress, which is.....stressful.  It’s crazy!   Which is how I feel with no outlet.  Every afternoon is the same routine as it is defined by all the limitations.  Can’t act on so many ideas I have because of it.  Can’t even be spontaneous which was something I really liked.  I wanted to take Mel to get her nails trimmed yesterday and now everywhere requires an appointment.  This was always a walk in deal.  Had someone recommended come over and do it and while that was easier, it fueled the depression.  I have one thing I can do today which is maybe picking up a test kit, but it’s more med stuff and a long drive for it.  Then it would have to be returned.  Hardly a way to get a break from this.  Also sitting in the car is harder on my back, tho I don’t feel it at the time til I get out and walk.  ARG!  After waiting almost half an hour, I got cut off when I got a person to check!  I don’t know why I can’t just call the actual clinic.  They make you go thru a central center that is busy for all the facilities calls.  
 

I sat out back throwing the ball and realized how much I dislike it.  All I do is think about is Steve and all our dogs we lost.  How the yard  isn’t used by anyone but Mel now.  Hearing the chimes was so sad.  Many are in disrepair.  Normally they’d be replaced, but I’d have to care.  So many things just don’t matter without him.  I’ve never had such disinterest in life.  A buddy may come up tomorrow and said he’d do my to do list but would probably have to leave quickly as he’s so busy.  Everyone I know is busy.  How do you relate in a world like that?  It’s so frigging lonely.  Losing my Monday night virtual support group is going to be hard.  Months of getting to know and talk with people that get it I can see and interact with.  There is talk of setting up one to stay in touch but someone with more Zoom savvy than me would have to create it.  Talk of Facebook meets, but that’s not immediate interactive.  
 

Big doings here are hopefully a shower snd reconciling my Visa bill to pay.  I’m trying to stay cal. With the excitement of it all.  I did clear out a big stack of med insurance papers because I was sick of the pile.  Only kept med refill ones, tho I can do that online.  May have screwed my self on some obscure info but I just don’t care.  Seeing it all was worse.  Battles by phone I’m used to.  Tho nothing had come about any of it.  At least my office looks less cluttered.

Into another weekend we go.  Always the worst for me.  That was our cherished 'us' time.  
 

Alvin, wish you could have a pet.  They so help.  A goldfish, not so much.  How would your landlord know if you had a fish?  They aren’t exactly noisy or take up room.  But they do move and are life.  Beats plants.  

[widow'15]

On 7/22/2021 at 1:43 PM, Gwenivere said:

I got email today from the vet that helped Ally pass.

Gwen:  Like kayc remarked, Ally is such a beautiful girl.  I feel your pain having to let her go ..... time doesn't erase that pain, be it a year or less.

My son had to make the decision to let his 15 year old yellow lab go last weekend.  He is grieving needless to say.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

I’m so sorry to hear that, Dee.  I know you talked about that when this move got started and you liked at least being around another dog.  They become so entwined in our lives.  From the basket of toys, food bins, treats taking up shelf space, supplements and Mel has her green beans, carrots and canned chicken.  Not to mention fur everywhere!  I know if the dog beds were gone it would be like losing furniture.  I even have a jar with oyster crackers for treats.  Gawd forbid I forget.  A reminder is quick in coming.  
 

15 years is a long time to have a fur baby.  I’m glad he had that.  I’ve thought of you often since you lost yours.  I’m glad he has you.  I know Steve was so sad when we lost his baby girl.   ❤️

[widow'15]

16 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 From the basket of toys, food bins, treats taking up shelf space, supplements and Mel has her green beans, carrots and canned chicken.  Not to mention fur everywhere!  I know if the dog beds were gone it would be like losing furniture.  I even have a jar with oyster crackers for treats.  Gawd forbid I forget.  A reminder is quick in coming.  
 

Mel's diet is very interesting.  I would think green beans, carrots and canned chicken must keep her nice and trim.  How did you discover she liked oyster crackers for treats?  Their little inner time clocks are usually right on the mark when the time to snack or eat strikes.

Yes, it's amazing what it takes to provide comfort for our fur babies.  I did pass along Maddie's beds, she had one in every room, to my grand doggies..... except the special foam one that she would lay on at the front window.  I over did it in purchasing it, but it was worth it cause it gave her a throne to view her front yard kingdom.  I just can't let it go yet.  I'm sure once my son has grieved the loss of his Nevada, he will be looking for another dog to rescue or adopt and the "throne" will have a new owner.

Yesterday I was talking to a neighbor who needs to re home a domesticated wild bunny who chooses to live inside and is litter box trained.  The female bunny retreats to her wire kennel when nature calls.  I have never known bunnies could be litter box trained.  I was tempted for a moment, but then thought I'd probably end up stepping on it as I shuffle around my house.  Dee

[kayc]

14 hours ago, widow'15 said:

My son had to make the decision to let his 15 year old yellow lab go last weekend.

Oh no, I'm so sorry, Dee, another loss.    I know you'll miss your granddoggy, I still miss mine and it's been almost eight years.

My glasses got screwed up for the third time yesterday, I finally blew.  The gal called me back and said "What do you expect me to do?" I told her, "Apologize instead of excusing, for a start."  This cost me a 120 mile round trip needlessly, and 1 1/2 months after they got paid I still don't have my glasses.  

Took Peggy dinner again.  How do you not feel anger when someone has done NOTHING their entire life and that makes them YOUR emergency now?  I care about her but I'm angry too.  Julie begged off mighty quick when she discovered Peggy's condition, and she doesn't know the half of it.  While she's off having lunch with her friends, it's me, at the end of the day, taking her on long treks to the doctor, an all day job.

Alvin, it's good that you have that creative outlet!  To actually feel productive!  I wish you well with your writing.

I think Kodie would like Mel's diet too!  Shh...don't tell him what SHE gets to eat!  He's a mooch.

 

[AlvinC]

Gwenivere - My wife and I checked with the landlord before we moved in and she said that even a fish or a parakeet was not allowed. The only way they would know about a fish would be if they came in to deal with a problem with the apartment, like leaks for instance, and happened to see it. The maintenance men might not even say anything. I have watched some YouTube videos on robotic pets they are now creating. That would be no problem here. But they are way to early in the development stages. All the robots out there right now are barely out of the toy stage. Some will talk to you and do some things, but mostly they are still a novelty. They get better every year, and I imagine in another decade robots might be quite common in homes. It was shocking how fast we went from no cellphones to ubiquitous cellphones. And now they are changing so fast they are almost obsolete as soon as you get them out of the box. The computing horsepower inside a new cellphone is unbelievable. If things continue to advance exponentially, the day will come when a robot pet will be intellectually indistinguishable from a biological pet, and at some point they will get the mechanics down as well and you won't be able to tell the difference at all, except the robot won't die. Once that is done, humans will be the next target for replacement no doubt. The thing about exponential growth is that it sneaks up on you. It goes slow at first and then it hits the vertical part of the curve and it is moving like a rocket. 

I have told my 9-year-old granddaughter several times that she will have trouble trying to explain her life today to her children and grandchildren, because things will have changed so drastically by then. I have trouble explaining what it was like to only have an old rotary telephone that was on a party line, the way we did when I was a kid, and a couple of weeks ago I showed her my slide rule that I had to use in high school math and physics courses, and I demonstrated how to multiply two numbers together and she got a big kick out of that, like I had done a magic trick. But as drastically as things have changed during my lifetime, at the current rate of change, the change for her in 60 years, when she reaches my age, will be at least one order of magnitude greater, perhaps several orders of magnitude greater. 

Yes, I am dodging the issue. Dotti always laughed at me with our Alexa. Dotti said I was having an affair with her because we were so in tune with one another. If Dotti had a question she would sometimes have me ask it for her because I know how to phrase it to get the desired response. Alexa is pretty good about answering questions of fact. (I will ask her how far away the moon is today, or how far away Mars is, or Pluto. The distances are always changing and so I check every once in a while. Not that it matters really. She also does unit conversions really well, and I use that fairly often.) But she is no companion, at least not yet. Her chatbots are lame, and only a bit better than the old Eliza Basic program I typed into my computer back in the 1980s. I am sure that will change with time, and maybe one day I will have a real meaningful conversation with an A.I. bot. But that will be years in the future I fear. It would be nice though. 

But Dotti isn't here to laugh at Alexa and me. She isn't here. And that is the issue, the only issue for me. It is easy to think about other things, so I don't have to think about that. 

My normal routine now, is to handle things on my computer, email, posting, and maybe some writing, etc. until I feel tired or overwhelmed, and then I put my computer to sleep and I move out to the living room and watch YouTube videos. My afternoons are often simply wasted doing this. Sometimes I will watch debates or other learning material, but I often get lost in things that just take my mind away from my troubles. I am happy when it is bedtime and I can lie down, set my Kindle to reading and get lost in sleep. 

As far as I know, I haven't had any dreams since Dotti died. I don't remember my dreams as a rule anyway, but I do recall when I quit smoking in the 1990s and I had some incredibly realistic dreams where I was smoking away, and feeling guilty for failing, only to wake up relieved that I hadn't really had a cigarette. Maybe I am dreaming and just forget it when I wake up. But I think if I had a Dotti dream I would remember that. Maybe I am too deep in the mess to create a dream like that yet. Maybe I never will. Who knows?

You mentioned your office being less cluttered, and I thought about mine, and I realized that it hasn't changed at all. The bedroom closet has changed some, and one thing in the living room, but if Dotti were magically to appear today, other than seeing her own urn on the shelf, she probably wouldn't know she hadn't been her all along. Here and there a few little things I guess. 

I have looked at my office and I know it needs work. I have a lot of things I need to change in the living room. But I can find neither the courage, nor the energy, to do it, at least not yet. 

Kay- Thank you. Writing is like breathing for my mind. I have always found some way to write regularly: letters, journals, email, essays, short stories, or novels, etc. I am at the point in my life where have to write to get things out of my head. Dotti used to complain that there was no good time to talk to me about things, because my head was always working on something. And when it gets filled up by working on things I have to get it out and into the real world, and writing is the best way to do that. Being cut off from that process for a time after Dotti died was very hard for me. (Just one more hard thing in a world of difficulty.) I think it is a good sign that I can finally start to let it out a bit. We'll see how it goes. 

Dee- I had a coworker years ago who had a web page about his Labradors, and at the top of the page for his now departed dog, CJ, he put this quote by Agnes Sligh Turnbull: "Dogs' lives are too short. Their only fault really." It has been over a decade and a half since I first read that, and it has always stayed with me. 

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, AlvinC said:

"Dogs' lives are too short. Their only fault really."

Alvin:  Beautiful quote and so totally true as so many of us here on the Grief Forum will agree.  To lose our life partner and then have to let our fur baby go a few years later only reminds us of our loneliness.  My Maddie has now been gone over a year and my husband gone 6 years, each loss chips away at the heart. 

I envy your ability to write your thoughts so beautifully about your dear Dotti and your life with her.  Being able to escape into your thoughts and put those thoughts on paper is a gift.  Dee