Losing my wife of 45 years

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, AlvinC said:

We live in denial in our youth. We know we will die one day, but later, much later. No use worrying about it now. But as your buddy said, it can all be gone in just a blink of an eye. 

I’m not even sure I thought about it then.  Honestly.  What an odd concept when you’re in your prime.  I accepted my aunts and uncles dying tho I guess my lack of life experience shielded me.  Certainly never worried about it or for anyone around me.  Heard once a guy from where I worked was murdered and I couldn’t reap my head around it.  I didn’t know him well, only worked where I had for a short time.  
 

now it is a reality.  I’m reminded almost every day with being aquainted with so much of it.  I’m even watching one of my parakeets going that way soon.  What a sad 180 degree turn in outlook of life and lack of it.  So many pets when all I ever lost way back was my childhood dog.  People were abundant.  When my elders began to succumb I mentally ran from it.  I always supported my mom thru it being her sisters or brothers, but I had a shield.  
 

Not anymore.  I’ve never felt more vulnerable and I hate the feeling.  Yet people I am surrounded by are still going on with all their lives without the weight I seem to carry.  It’s because I’m alone, they aren’t.  That gets back to purpose.  Someone that really cares about you above all else and you feel that towards them.  I want that love back and I can never have it.  So it’s trying to make life worth living and I’m not doing well on that.  If my body wasn’t failing so soon in comparison to my peers, I know I could at least be involved in more contact experiences.  
 

Often that blink of an eye thing would be fine if it were me.  

 

[AlvinC]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

first married in 1970 but it didn't turn out so well....he beat and cheated on me continually, it was hard to get out of it with my life.

My first wife did the cheating on me, but she was only 4'11" and I was 6'3" so I missed out on the beatings. I am sorry you had to go through that! Dotti, around 1979, I think it was, got in my face and tried to see if she could get me to hit her. I don't even know why, but for some reason she was testing me. Of course I didn't hit her, and she still laughed about it decades later. I don't know if even she understood why she did it.  Looking back, I am doubly fortunate, in that my first wife left me; it was a huge favor. And then because I was no longer married to her, I was ready when I met Dotti and things were wonderful after that, until this year at least, when she died. 

Dementia is the worst. As it progresses it is as if your loved one is already dead but still there reminding you that they are not dead. 

[AlvinC]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

We still had to get dial tone from Bell and they hated all the start ups.  Made our jobs hell often.

I used to do the paperwork for the hookups and interface with Ma Bell for our installs. I hadn't thought about this for years either. 

Speaking of messages for voice mail, I called my son a few days after Dotti died, and he couldn't get to his phone, so his message played and it about knocked me off my feet. It had slipped my mind that Dotti had recorded his message for him and it was so funny that he left in on there for many years. He said he will never erase it off his phone. She said our son "has been sent to his room, and can't come to the phone right now, so leave a message and he will get back to you." She did have a good sense of humor. 

When I was teaching Ion Implanter maintenance to the field service engineers for my company I only had one female FSE student the entire time, because she was the only one in the company. When I was teaching electronics in the Navy they were a few more female electronics technicians that came through my class, but not all that many. 

I worked with a guy who knew two female Electronics Technicians, and our rate was called ET's. Back when that movie was popular, he said the ladies had a little sign over their phone in their apartment that said, "ET home phone." 

[AlvinC]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Often that blink of an eye thing would be fine if it were me.  

Now that the one person in the world who desperately wanted me to continue living is gone, death seems more welcome than scary. I am fighting to regain a sense of purpose and meaning to my life, but after having lived in bliss, this dreary world holds little for me. I can't think my way out of this box, because there is no exit. 

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, AlvinC said:

Back when that movie was popular, he said the ladies had a little sign over their phone in their apartment that said, "ET home phone." 

Now that is funny.  Very creative!

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, AlvinC said:

She said our son "has been sent to his room, and can't come to the phone right now, so leave a message and he will get back to you." She did have a good sense of humor. 

AlvinC: Oh my what a funny message.  Your Dottie had a wonderful sense of humor.  You and your family have such beautiful, sweet reminders of a very special person.  Shortly after my husband passed, I made the mistake of having my son record over my husband's message on my landline.  At the time, hearing my husband's voice each time the phone rang, caused more grief.  Now, I wish I had tried to replace the tape until I could have found the strength to want to hear his very distinctive voice I always loved so much.  Even after 6 years, I doubt if I could listen to that voice without breaking into tears.  Dee

 

[AlvinC]

Dee- Listening to Dotti's voice is bitter sweet right now. Our son sat down and watched all her videos on her YouTube channel soon after she died. I couldn't do that. After a few weeks I finally watched a couple of them, but I am still not up for listening to them all. I also have some digital recordings of her voice and a lot of videos from over the years, but it is taking time getting tough enough to watch and/or listen to them. 

One of the things I am dealing with is the fear of touching things. I am afraid that if I get rid of something now, because it is giving me pain, later I might wish I still had it and regret my earlier decision. 

I have been able to work with her photos—scanning them, organizing them, and digitally repairing image damage or imperfections—and it has been triggering a lot of good memories. I couldn't have done that at first, because every memory I had, seemed to have initiated a gut-wrenching pain, because I knew she was gone and it horrified me once again. The ones that are easiest for me to enjoy are the older ones, because they were disconnected from the couple we were when Dotti died anyway. Both of us were young, healthy, and full of energy and the joy of living every day. The past few years we had really slowed down and had little in common with those earlier years. The closer I get to today with photos the more they remind me of my loss.

I had to take some pictures after Dotti died of something in the apartment, and when I pulled the SD card out of my camera I found that I had the last pictures I ever took of Dotti on there, that I had forgotten about. She and I were headed to the store to go shopping, three weeks and one day before she died. She was smiling and looked so happy, with no indication that the Grim Reaper was right over her shoulder waiting. That was a shock for me. 

Throughout history, people have been dealing with this constantly, but we cover it up and don't think about it. We are not trained in how to deal with it. We wait until it happens, and then we have to wing it, when this is the hardest thing we ever had to face in our entire lives. Nothing prepares you for the grieving process. Maybe it is because it often happens in old age and people generally tend to put off thinking about being old and all the challenges that it brings.  Maybe it is just too horrible of an idea to face before we have to. 

Time never heals anything. It just provides our bodies and minds the opportunity to heal themselves. If we cut our skin, our bodies create the scar tissue and heal the wound, not time. It is the same with grief. Either we find a way to deal with it, or no amount of time passing will do any good at all. I keep looking for the answer on how to heal from this. I may not ever find it, but I am looking. 

[kayc]

13 hours ago, AlvinC said:

Dementia is the worst. As it progresses it is as if your loved one is already dead but still there reminding you that they are not dead. 

My sister Polly told me a couple of days ago that she doesn't even know Peggy...this after always claiming to know her best.  I know she doesn't, but she knows her traits, it's just compounded now.  This is one of the hardest things I've had to deal with.

[kayc]

8 hours ago, widow'15 said:

Now, I wish I had tried to replace the tape

How I wish I'd known his voice would be covered up with new messages, and the cell phone would erase in two weeks...this all while our minds are in shock and can't think.  Even the VHS tape I can't watch anymore.  No voice, haven't heard him in 16 years.  But in my mind I still remember it, clearly.  Why does it have to be a distant memory now though!

[Gwenivere]

15 hours ago, widow'15 said:

Even after 6 years, I doubt if I could listen to that voice without breaking into tears. 

I couldn’t easily wait though it if I missed the 4 ring threshold.  I have a duplicate recording somewhere.  I’m so brain scattered I forget where.  
 

it’s a shame you don’t have a backup, Dee.  But in the beginning we aren’t thinking straight.  Heck, it’s been years I’m still not concerning him.   I still have a hard time just hearing his voice in my head.  There are certain places that trigger things he commented on.  Every single time.  Or memories when I least expect it.  So odd wanting to run from the very voice that was my anchor and melted me with his seductive charm if he chose.  
 

Every one of our senses are now mingled with them.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

My sister Polly told me a couple of days ago that she doesn't even know Peggy.

I thought Peggy was the one with dementia.  There is another?  I know this is very hard on you.  I don’t know how you do all you do.  Is there aid you can get?  Of course that means more work checking out.  No help to your stress and BP.

[widow'15]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

it’s a shame you don’t have a backup, Dee.  But in the beginning we aren’t thinking straight.

Gwen:  So totally true.  At the time I was only trying to stop some of the pain, and did not think I might one day want to hear his voice again.  I do have a few short videos and some VCR tapes, but can't bring myself to listen yet.  I mistakenly opened a very special short video my son recorded.  Bob was reading a story to our granddaughter.  It is so sweet, but the sad thing is she doesn't remember her PaPa because she lost him much too young.  Dee

[AlvinC]

6 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I do have a few short videos and some VCR tapes, but can't bring myself to listen yet.

The old VCR recordings we have from over the years have been off limits for me too so far. I bought a VCR to DVD recorder years ago, and transferred them all to DVD, but I haven't watched any of them since she died. Christmases and putting up decorations, and family trips. Dotti was the emotional force for all of those things. 

[AlvinC]

I was exhausted early yesterday and fell into bed at 5:30pm for the night. Nothing has been right since Dotti died. 

I did find the courage to read a chapter in my novel last night for the first time since Dotti left, called "Cookie's Dead." I have mentioned before that Cookie Colt was written as a metaphor for Dotti and Bill Colt was one for me. I can still remember when I was typing that scene out in 2016, and tears were running down my face at times when I was writing the scene for Bill holding his dead wife's body in his arms and screaming at the universe, and knowing that he had no reason to live if his Cookie was gone. Unlike in real life for me, Bill was able to bring his android wife back to life again. Boy did I call it right the way Bill felt when he thought Cookie was gone for good. What a universe. 

Tomorrow it will be 9 weeks she has been gone. Today my son and I will be driving to the chapel, where her memorial service will be held in a few weeks, to get things sorted out about the details. I am glad that I didn't have to deal with this right off. My son was extremely helpful in arranging the cremation and the immediate stuff that had to be dealt with. I was an emotional mess, trying to decide if I were going to live or die at the time. I am still a mess, but the level of chaos has lowered just a bit since then. 

Another day has arrived. 

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I thought Peggy was the one with dementia.  There is another?

Peggy is the one with dementia, Polly is another sister, she was talking with me about Peggy.

8 hours ago, widow'15 said:

the sad thing is she doesn't remember her PaPa because she lost him much too young.

Dee, I'm so sorry, that is hard.  My mom forgot George as her dementia progressed, I imagine Peggy will too. 

I have no idea where to get VHS tapes made into CDs, I knew someone who did that but they've passed away.

I'm thankful I still can hear my George's voice, I hope I never lose that, I hear him saying, "Hi, Hon..."

[Gwenivere]

16 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I do have a few short videos and some VCR tapes, but can't bring myself to listen yet. 

That’s like the songs I have of Steve’s.  I accidentally listened to one years ago and decided it wasn’t time.  It still isn’t.  I want them there, but I may never be ready.  I still hear in my head talking and singing.  Did open a file I didn’t recognize the name and someone was doing the lead vocal but I heard his harmony and definite guitar style.  Closed that file fast!   
 

It’s a shame kids don’t retain more from their early youth.  Guess we have to make room for a lifetime ahead of info.  It’s all vague to me since realizing consciousness about 4 til my tweens.  Certain things stuck.  Relatives did, but I saw them often.  There was a friend of the family I adored I always told I was going to marry when I grew up.  He would laugh and promise to wait.  
 

It’s going to be hard watching her grow up and him not see it.  I feel that about a lot of things over the past few years.  He’ll have to live in memories you pass down.

 

 

[AlvinC]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

I have no idea where to get VHS tapes made into CDs, I knew someone who did that but they've passed away.

I just did a online search for "vhs to dvd recorder" and I found several recorders to do the job that cost around $200. I also found a site that said it would convert VCR tapes to DVD for about $12 per tape. The technology is getting old but it isn't so absolute that you can't do the conversion yet. 

I originally had a Beta recorder but had to swap over to VCR because the Beta recorders were overwhelmed by VCR recorders. Now they are all obsolete. I had to buy an external CD/DVD player burner for my computer because their capacity is so small computers are shipped with out them. Jump drives are way bigger today and you can download files online. Technology keeps changing.  

[widow'15]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s going to be hard watching her grow up and him not see it.

Yes, it is sad since she was always drawn to him whenever we were all together as a family.  She would always want to be next to him.  He had such an attraction to little children and animals.  He was always happy to spend time with our two grandchildren.  He is so missed.  Dee 

[Gwenivere]

It’s funny, Steve wasn’t into kids, but they loved him.  He definitely would give them his attention if picked out.  Used to happen to me too and I really am uneasy around kids.  But they loosen you up and I had some fun times when our friends kids were young.  Never did master getting along easily with teenagers.  But then, I don’t think you’re supposed to.  I know how I was.  I knew I knew more than any adult about the world.  🙄

[widow'15]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s funny, Steve wasn’t into kids, but they loved him.

I think it is always so wonderful how kids can see the true person so easily and be drawn to the "fun" personalities of some adults.  Gwen, reading some of your comments on the Forum, I feel your sense of humor that you have, even on your less than fun days and am not surprised you could easily relate to children.  Bob had a lot of "kid" in him still even in his late 60's and early 70's.  The easy smile and the twinkle in the eyes were always there, except when we were told of his diagnosis, that look was seldom seen anymore.  Dee 

[kayc]

Dee, says a lot about someone, my dad always said anyone who loved kids and dogs couldn't be all bad! 

 

[AlvinC]

Years ago, when I was working in Hillsboro, Oregon, on my lunch hour I would take walks around the area, and I remember walking past a house that was abandoned and soon to be demolished. I could see a dining room through a sliding glass door, and it made me think about the people who had lived there. They woke up in the morning and set about getting ready for their days, and laughed and played and enjoyed life, with this home as their center of operations. And the people were gone, leaving that house with no purpose in existing. 

Today, I feel just like that house. Here I am. I am still alive. I have a working brain, and though it is aging, a working body. I have all the things I had before Dotti died, and yet they have no purpose without her. It is confusing and depressing. It leaves me in a position where I must continue to strive to perpetuate my meager existence, but with no real reason to do so, other than for others who would be let down if I were not here. This situation feels inherently unstable, and something has to change, sooner or later. 

I have continued to work on Dotti's memorial video and it has been very engaging. I have found myself smiling, and laughing, and then crying, like floating on a raft at sea and having the waves lift me up and then drop me down, again and again. It has sharpened my memories of some of the wonderful times we had together, and sometimes I can focus on that, without crashing down into depression because those times are forever out of reach. Other times I fall into that pit that is always waiting for me. 

Something makes me get up in the morning. Maybe it is just habit, after years of getting up every day. I know if I lie there, I will just stare at the ceiling and that is boring. So, I get up. But there is no eagerness to be about my day. What day? No plans. And there is nothing on the horizon for me to look forward to. Holidays will be painful days, not happy days. I normally love the fall, it has been my favorite time of year for a long time. But the changing colors and cooler temperatures will only remind me that Dotti isn't here with me to share my joy, and so my joy will die before it gets a chance to live. 

I find that some of my pain has been replaced with apathy. It is as if something has died inside of me. I don't break down into sobs very often, but I feel numb and broken inside instead. I still cry out Dotti's name from time to time, but I have given up hoping that it will do any good. 

I have to ask myself, did I really spend 70 years of my life just so I could be in this spot right now? And what do I do with whatever is left of my life? Who knows?

[kayc]

It is a process to finding purpose again, but keep yourself open to it and it may present when you least expect it.  And it may not be one thing but may evolve or change over time.

One day at a time...

[MartyT]

Transition after Loss: Tips for Navigating the Neutral Zone    ❤️

[scba]

If, for now, your reason to keep going is because you don't want to let other people down by "quitting", let this be enough for today. As Kay says, this is a process and things will change. You will change. It is really one day at a time.

My experience has been that I coexist with the tides and calm waters, all mixed with contradictions. 

I'm very grateful for the small things that life gives me everyday. The sun, a warm cup of coffee, a laughing moment here and there, a task to focus my attention to. At the same time, it feels depressing because nothing feels like the greatness of hugging my boyfriend, of seeing him smiling. I compare this and that. My life seems so small-sized now.

Yours is a good point: did I really spend xxx years of my life just so I could be in this spot right now?

Oh, the highest price of all.

Coexistence, contradictions, I don't fight them anymore.