Losing my wife of 45 years

[Gwenivere]

13 hours ago, AlvinC said:

It leaves me in a position where I must continue to strive to perpetuate my meager existence, but with no real reason to do so,

This is the hardest thing I struggle with, too.  So much is habit.  No motivation about anything.  I could lay in bed too, but it wouldn’t help.  It might make it worse.  That’s a sure sign of totally giving up.  I mostly feel I fight to have something to do.  What a huge change to my attitude about life.  I had a major med appointment today and realized I really didn’t care as I was told things they wanted me to do for prep for surgery.  My attitude was I'll roll the dice.  You can’t force motivation where there is none.

 

13 hours ago, AlvinC said:

What day? No plans. And there is nothing on the horizon for me to look forward to. Holidays will be painful days, not happy days. 

That is the biggest cheat.  I feel it even when I go to bed.  I know what’s coming in a few hours.  Holidays don’t even fit the definition now.  We do MLK day to remember his message, not his death.  I can’t find that on the now forever October day Steve died nor his birthday.  The rest I see as commercialization because the being part of it and joy are gone.  I’m an outsider now.  Watching a club I’ve been cut out of.  The very few things I do for others now don’t make me feel happy, not even hearing from they are about it.

4 hours ago, scba said:

My life seems so small-sized now.

Yup, I feel like I went from a Costco to a little mini store in a strip mall, if that.

 

[AlvinC]

MartyT- Thank you for sharing the link.

SCBA-  It is good to accept life's elements, even when they appear to be contradictions. Throughout life there are always highs and lows and rolling with them and moving on is something you have to do in order to have a happy life. But this is a difference in kind, not just one of degree. I am hoping that as time goes on I may be able to look at things around me and get some sort of joy from them, without having that trumped by my realization that I am not sharing it with Dotti as I did before. I never realized just how entangled everything was with Dotti when she was here. I knew there was a lot of it but now I know that she was part of everything in my life. 

The passing years only brought us closer together, to the point where we both would have happily gone away to another planet where we could live together forever. The outside world and become ancillary to our existence together. So now my time is spent in an effort to find what part of my life remains to me without her being here to share it, and so far I haven't found much. 

In some sort of sick way I take comfort in knowing that the idiots who run madly in the streets and are tearing at the fabric of this dying society and the people in power who instigate them, and all the other insanity that I have watched brewing for the past 60 years will be gone and forgotten at some point in the future. They talk about saving a planet that can't be saved, because when the sun reaches its later stages it will expand and consume the earth, leaving a dead ball where once this blue marble spun in space with many different eras of life. One hundred million years ago there were no mammals. Two hundred million years ago there were not yet any dinosaurs. Three hundred million years ago there weren't any land animals. If you were to visit Earth 100 million years from now, you wouldn't recognize most of the life forms or even the shape of the continents any longer. Time moves forward and it not only waits for no man, but it waits for nothing, because all things are temporary and there is, apparently, nothing to be done about it. So, my plight is not only the plight of all people, it is the plight of all things. While knowing this does help a bit, by knocking off the sharp edges of my pain, it also tends to dampen my feelings of joy, because I know they, like all things, will soon be gone. 

An interesting side issue that I have been watching with interest is the creation of computer based abiotic intelligence. As computers grow in power exponentially, and neural networks are becoming more sophisticated, it appears that before too much longer mankind will be surpassed as the most intelligent beings on the planet. The major governments are all pursuing the goal of being the first to do this thing, because they think that it will be the key to power in the world. However, the power-crazed scoundrels seem to not realize that if a computer becomes self-aware, and it is a thousand times smarter than any human, we might become extinct even faster than we would have done anyway. Who knows how that will play out, but it is interesting to watch.  

I knew this existence was temporary before—I had been on this ride for more than 69 years after all—but Dotti had a magic about her that distracted me from dwelling on this knowledge; I knew it but with her here I didn't care. Now it is a bit like finally having to face the fact that I am on a speeding train that can't be stopped, and also knowing that there is a bridge out ahead, but just not sure how long before my train gets there to end this ride. Meanwhile, I am supposed to find something on the seat beside me, or in the aisle of the train to give me happiness as the train rushes forward. Yes, I was on the train before Dotti died, but I could ignore it, and so I did. No more; my wonderful, loving buffer against this temporary world is gone. C'est la vie. C'est la mort. 

For now I am just biding my time, and seeing what comes along. It isn't much, but it's all I have. I sent a text message to my 9-year-old granddaughter last night and it made her laugh. Her laugh made me feel joy. So, I am not dead inside yet, and that is something. 

Gwen- I don't have any clue what I would do if I were tangled up in the medical process of facing surgeries or other intrusive long-term treatments. What a nightmare. I am sorry you have to deal with that. I have a cousin (my dad's first cousin actually) who is 94 and living alone. She emails me quite often and she has faced things like falls and broken bones and rehab times, and she always seems to come back with a smile. She is amazing. She was her church treasurer until a couple of years ago and played the church organ each week as well. She has a dynamic spirit that I can only envy, because I can't find it inside myself. 

I have been going through thousands of our photos the past couple of weeks and Dotti was an absolute magician for Christmases. She loved to decorate the house, and the past couple of years she orchestrated the decoration of our tree by our grandchildren. She was always laughing and the kids were laughing with her. I always called her "my fun girl," because people around her always seemed to have fun. Cold weather and some snow on the ground, and our grandchildren, were what we were celebrating. It was more of a winter solstice celebration I guess than anything else for us, but we enjoyed it a lot. In our earlier years we did Halloween up in a big way too, but the last few years we had slowed way down, and had downsized our living accommodations as well. So, it was mostly restricted to our tree in our living room. Fortunately, we tended to spend little energy on other "special" days, so I hope they will not be so painful as they pass by.

Dotti and I used to "argue" about who was going to die first. Neither one of us wanted to be where I am now. But it was never very serious, because we thought we had loads of time left for us. Now I am living this nightmare, I realize that Dotti wouldn't have liked it any better than I do, and so I am finally able to take some of her pain away from her and suffer it for myself instead. She had so many surgeries over the years, and all I could do was wait for the doctor to come out and tell me how the surgery went. I remember watching them wheel her gurney away, heading for the O.R. many times and I still remember the feeling of dread that I might not get her back after the surgery was done. Now I know what it would have been like if my fears had be met at that time. I was right to feel intense dread; this is horrible. 

It's Thursday today, and in two days, Dotti will have been gone for 10 weeks. I don't really know how to describe my emotional state today. The overwhelming grief that pushed me into uncontrollable sobbing has ebbed, but now it is just a perpetual state of feeling bad. When Mount St. Helens blew it pushed all the water out of Spirit lake that was at the foot of the volcano. It lay down a very thick layer of debris in the lake bed, and when the water found its way back in, it had been raised to a completely different level from where it had been. That is a good analogy for what has happened to me, because I was pushed completely out of my "normal" life and now I find that as things are a bit less energetic, I am residing in a completely different place, and my old place has been destroyed by this process. 

Dotti and I watched Star Wars in 1977 at the base theater on Midway Island and, for the first time, we heard the character C3PO say, "Will this never end?" Here it is 44 years later and I am asking the same question.

-Al-

[kayc]

1 hour ago, AlvinC said:

I sent a text message to my 9-year-old granddaughter last night and it made her laugh. Her laugh made me feel joy. So, I am not dead inside yet, and that is something. 

These are the "little joys" I talk about...what I learned to look for in life, I started practicing this day 11, nothing too small to count.  I learned to not compare to the "big joy" that was gone (George) as comparisons devalues the joys I feel today.  Last night my "joy" was talking to George (iPraiseHim) and having the day finally over with.  And Kodie, he was amazing, what a good boy!

 

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Kodie, he was amazing, what a good boy!

🐕 Those fur babies can be such a JOY.  Hugs to you both.  Dee

[scba]

How's George? Is he doing well?

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, AlvinC said:

Dotti and I used to "argue" about who was going to die first. Neither one of us wanted to be where I am now. But it was never very serious, because we thought we had loads of time left for us. Now I am living this nightmare, I realize that Dotti wouldn't have liked it any better than I do, and so I am finally able to take some of her pain away from her and suffer it for myself instead.

We did that too.  It was always a back and forth of neither could deal with the loneliness and if we loved each other as much as we did, we wouldn’t want to subject the other to this.  Always philosophical as we had tons of time, we thought. When his cancer moved in there was no jousting about it anymore.  The dice had been cast for us.  I don’t know how I lived thru that beyond wearing blinders often so we could live our normal life as much as possible.  Looking back it was always on edge as medical stuff started taking over so much after the first surgery and 2 years.  Another major surgery and then everything went into full med mode.  When hospice got involved it lightened my load but was a sign of doom.  
 

I sit here another day now facing my own crisis with no one to hold me and help me decide if it’s worth trying to fix something to be alone and still dealing with more problems.  It’s not like it would set me free to maybe pursue some kind of life.  It means addressing other problems to keep this body going.  And for what?  That’s the big obstacle.  It’s not like do this and you can then see if there is something to salvage in what time I have.  I can’t even go back to volunteering in between as the virus has things still shut down.  My interest in my home beyond keeping it livable has waned with limits or someone to try the new tech stuff.  Not that I’m that into that but I loved watching Steve like a kid all excited about it and I’d be the skeptic til I found it was better.  Our game.  
 

This place is much to quiet now.  I hear signs of life from the neighborhood.  It’s all around me but not in me.  I’ll talk to my counselor today and cry and then see the screen go blank in an hour. Back to solitude.  No real needs or wants.  Just numb.  Desperate for some feeling I had before he died.  But you can’t from yourself.

[kayc]

17 hours ago, scba said:

How's George? Is he doing well?

He's good, busy!  I'm sure he'll update as he has time.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

Miss hearing from George.   I know he’s always busy, sometimes too much so.  Glad you have contact with him, Kay.  Do tell him I/we miss him.  

[AlvinC]

On 8/5/2021 at 2:52 PM, Gwenivere said:

We did that too.  It was always a back and forth of neither could deal with the loneliness and if we loved each other as much as we did, we wouldn’t want to subject the other to this.  Always philosophical as we had tons of time, we thought. When his cancer moved in there was no jousting about it anymore.  The dice had been cast for us.  I don’t know how I lived thru that beyond wearing blinders often so we could live our normal life as much as possible.  Looking back it was always on edge as medical stuff started taking over so much after the first surgery and 2 years.  Another major surgery and then everything went into full med mode.  When hospice got involved it lightened my load but was a sign of doom.  

Gwen- I was shocked by the suddenness of Dotti dying but looking back, a part of me is glad it wasn't a slow descent into death. I found pictures on my camera that I took of Dotti looking perfectly normal as we went shopping that were taken exactly one month before she was cremated. Wham! Out of the blue. 

I did a memorial video for my sister-in-law's funeral a couple of years ago and I shed some tears making it, but I didn't fully appreciate the level of pain my brother-in-law faced when she died, until now. She had cancer in the liver, pancreas and gall bladder area that went into remission for a number of years, but then it came back with a vengeance and she was gone. 

I remember one time Dotti and I were on a hike, around 2003, and there was a dangerous stretch on the trail where a metal cable was run along side the trail to hold onto as we traversed that part. I still clearly remember the way my heart went into my throat when Dotti lost her balance and just grabbed the cable in time. The drop would have been fatal for sure. She was a free spirit and didn't like to think about safety all that much, and she always called me a "worry wart" because I put safety first. My reaction was to put that memory out of my mind as quickly as I could, rather than facing what it would have been like if she had actually fallen to her death then. Living in denial: death will come some day, but it will be way off in the future. Sadly, you just never know. 

I worked a lot of hours yesterday on Dotti's video: very early morning until the afternoon. I pieced together a rough draft with a lot of pictures (150 to 200?) and at the end all at once I was exhausted. I had enjoyed watching the video play at the end. But after I finally had to stop for the day, I found myself in a very deep depression, more like what I was in the first few days after she died. This morning I feel a bit better. Since this is her 10-week anniversary of dying I think that is at least a bit of progress. 

There seems to be a price to be paid for all things in this life. If you are extremely happy, you are equally sad when the source of happiness is taken from you. It all comes to zero in the end. I told my dentist many years ago that the reason Novocain hurts when you are injected is because of the "Universal Law of the Conservation of Pain"; there is a price for everything you get in life, that balances everything out in the end.  

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Miss hearing from George.   I know he’s always busy, sometimes too much so.  Glad you have contact with him, Kay.  Do tell him I/we miss him.  

Will do.  I think it's harder to keep up when you're working so much.

3 hours ago, AlvinC said:

I worked a lot of hours yesterday on Dotti's video

That can be very therapeutic!  I did that too only with pictures/poster board (not a techy).

[AlvinC]

I spent the last several weeks focused on creating a video for my wife's memorial service. The bulk of the time was spent fixing photographs with specks, scratches and other imperfections or damage. It took a lot of time to get them ready to use. I unfortunately ran out of time and some of the later pictures had to be used with the specks on them. But I had to have a finished product, no matter how imperfect it might be. So, I built the video in iMovie, converted it to a playable DVD in iDVD, and Tuesday I took it to the funeral home to see if it would play and it did. Wednesday was the service. (I put a video of the entire thing up on Dotti's YouTube channel—Dotti's Corner—if you care to watch it.) 

Seeing her twin sister for the first time since Dotti died, was very hard because she looks so much like Dotti did, but generally it was great seeing her again, along with other family and friends. However, now the service is over, Dotti seems even farther away. I had her urn safely tucked away in a basket and covered with a protective blanket for the drive in both directions to and from the chapel, and I was talking to her and telling her how much I missed having her with me in the car. 

So what now? I don't know. My son gave me a Barnes and Noble Father's Day gift card, and I finally got around to buying some books with it. They arrived today: five books on writing stories in hopes of finding some good advice on improving my writing. That will give me something to focus on, now that I am no longer working on my video project. We'll see if it works. 

I still feel like I am living in the Twilight Zone, but it is more confusion and apathy than pain, at least compared with what I was going through at first. I don't see how it ever could be wonderful again, but maybe I can work my way to it being tolerable. We'll see. I sure miss Dotti. 😞

Edited August 20, 2021 by MartyT
Link added

[kayc]

I've found it helps to have a schedule, and some form of purpose, I think you're realizing that as well, it not only kills time but can be incentive to go on.  It's my hope that you can find bits of joy along the way and embrace what is rather than merely lament what isn't...comparisons are real joy killers.  That was something important I've gleaned from going through this journey.  It's taught me to live and appreciate this present moment.

[AlvinC]

Kay- My son gave me a gift card for Barnes and Noble for Father's Day and I finally got the gumption to use it a few days ago and I had several books arrive at my door the day after the service, and they are all focused on writing stories. I am hoping to be able to dive into that as my focus for the immediate future. We'll see how it goes. A few weeks ago that would have been impossible. I am slowly crawling out of my hole and able to do some things. Making that 18-minute video for Dotti not only gave me a purpose for my days, but it was very therapeutic as I came across little videos I had taken of her over the years, and she made me smile, at a time when I had felt I would never smile again. Bit by bit I am moving forward. 

[kayc]

I'm so glad it brought you a smile!

[AlvinC]

It was nice. I included one of the snippets in the memorial video of her talking to the camera and most of the attendees thought that was the best part. She made everyone smile. 

I went shopping for groceries this morning and was back home with everything put away before 7am. The only people I saw were the store staff. That is the only time to shop for me. In, grab the things on my list, scan it myself, and out.