Long lost love snipped off.

[MaggieAmn]

I was his first love. We had a very matured mostly long distance relationship since I went to college soon after we met. We parted ways and lost contact after 4 years. Thirty years later, I got his number from his cousin. I couldn't resist calling him one day. The moment we heard each other, the feelings erupted. We were like kids crying. But we both were married and we wanted to respect each other's marriage. So we developed friendship with each other's espouses and families. But deep inside we were dying.

We talked on the phone every week and communicated through WhatsApp everyday. We managed to meet 6 times during the next 6 years, but could never meet alone (we live in different cities). We were like love birds wanting to break loss from the cage. Six days before his passing, he said that he was not feeling well. The next few days we continued to  talk over phone and texted as his health deteriorated. A day before he passed, he could not pick up the phone. I talked with his wife. The next day I called his wife again to enquire about his condition. Two and a half hours later, she called me again  and said that he slipped off without a word.

I cried and cried. My heart broke into million pieces. No one knew the dept of our relationship. Families and friends know that I am grieving the loss of a friend, but they do not know its depth. I try to heal by making videos of him, in his memory and by talking with his sibling and wife. But it gets worse.

Incidentally, I had recorded our last few phone conversations. Happened that I had turned on my call recording as I was expecting an important official call. And I forgot to turn it off later. I found the recordings later after his death. I was so happy.  I treasure and listen to these conversations. It makes me feel as if he is still alive. But I have lost interest in everything except think about him, look at his pictures and videos, or listen to his voice recording. It gets harder day by day. No one knows that we were in love. Going to a therapist is not an option as I am known in the society and the story will blow up. It's one and a half months since he is gone and I continue to go downhill.

[MartyT]

Dear MaggieAmn, I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the fact that you have nowhere else to take your grief. Yours is a classic example of what is known as disenfranchised grief, and if you're not familiar with the term, I invite you to read the following ~ in the hope that doing so will help you to feel less isolated and alone:

Coping with Hidden Sorrow

Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning The Loss of A Dream

Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning An Invisible Love

[MaggieAmn]

Thank you so much MartyT

[kayc]

MaggieAmn, I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation, it must feel the hardest, loneliest place in the world!  To not be able to share with those you are closest to, do you even have a best friend you can confide in that you can trust?

There are different kinds of love, with each person it is unique and no other exactly like it.  It does not mean you do not love your husband, but what you felt for your old "friend" was unique.

When I was reading this I was going to share some disenfranchised links but I see Marty beat me to it!  This is indeed disenfranchised grief.  You are free to speak your heart here, we're here listening.  Here's a couple more:
Disenfranchised Grief: When Grief and Grievers Are Unrecognized - SocialWorker.com
Disenfranchised Grief: When An Ex-Spouse Dies
Disenfranchised Grief: 22 Examples, Signs, and Tips

Grief is a journey, it has a beginning but not necessarily an ending, it does, however, change form as we transverse it.

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[MaggieAmn]

Thank you kayc. The craziest thing about us is that both of us had espouses whom we loved and cared about. We never planned to leave them, nor did we cross the line with each other. It was just our hearts that felt connected. 

I do have a close friend who is also his cousin. She was the one who brought us together in the first place and gave me his number years later. She was happy that we got reconnected.

BUT she is only sad for his passing, definitely not grieving. She expects me to do the same, which is impossible.

[kayc]

Every relationship is different, his relationship with his cousin is different than with you, so naturally you are grieving differently than her.  What is grief if not missing them and continuing to love them?  My world shattered when my husband died 16 years ago, it was sudden and definitely unexpected!  We also carry loss of our dreams/future with it.  We were supposed to grow old together, instead I'm growing old alone...that was not the plan!  It took us a lifetime to find each other, he was my perfect match, my soulmate and best friend, how do you replace that?!  You don't.

When you have a connection like that, you don't "plan" it, can't conjure it up, it just is, almost like it's fated.  I think it's possible to connect with more than one person in one's life, but no two will be the same, and of course, some only  find the one...if they're lucky, some never have that.  I've learned to be thankful that we had even those short few years together, some never do.  My heart is with you in your sorrow. 

 

[razorclam]

Dear Maggie Ann,

A few words for now, as I process your post. I do hope you can find as much support as possible. Coming here was the right things. Therapy is supposed to be confidential, so hopefully you can find a therapist somewhere. It's good that you have your recordings. If you did not delete them, your WhatsApp chats can be backed up and dowloaded. You were very wise, and fortunate, to have built good connections with his family. They are his immortality. I personally found great comfort in communicating with his wife and kids, which is very infrequent as they live overseas. I hope that continued contact with them can eventually bring you some comfort. 

 

[MaggieAmn]

On 7/18/2021 at 7:14 PM, kayc said:

Every relationship is different, his relationship with his cousin is different than with you, so naturally you are grieving differently than her.  What is grief if not missing them and continuing to love them?  My world shattered when my husband died 16 years ago, it was sudden and definitely unexpected!  We also carry loss of our dreams/future with it.  We were supposed to grow old together, instead I'm growing old alone...that was not the plan!  It took us a lifetime to find each other, he was my perfect match, my soulmate and best friend, how do you replace that?!  You don't.

When you have a connection like that, you don't "plan" it, can't conjure it up, it just is, almost like it's fated.  I think it's possible to connect with more than one person in one's life, but no two will be the same, and of course, some only  find the one...if they're lucky, some never have that.  I've learned to be thankful that we had even those short few years together, some never do.  My heart is with you in your sorrow. 

 

Thank you for sharing your story. It is comforting to know that there are people who understand this pain. Gives me hope. 

[MaggieAmn]

On 7/18/2021 at 11:31 PM, razorclam said:

Dear Maggie Ann,

A few words for now, as I process your post. I do hope you can find as much support as possible. Coming here was the right things. Therapy is supposed to be confidential, so hopefully you can find a therapist somewhere. It's good that you have your recordings. If you did not delete them, your WhatsApp chats can be backed up and dowloaded. You were very wise, and fortunate, to have built good connections with his family. They are his immortality. I personally found great comfort in communicating with his wife and kids, which is very infrequent as they live overseas. I hope that continued contact with them can eventually bring you some comfort. 

 

You are right. Specially his sister who missed out on his last days and is unable to handle grieve. She calls me for comfort. I feel that we can help each other. I am dying to tell her my story, but still don't have the courage. I am not sure if I should share it though. Thanks for the idea of WhatsApp back up.  

[kayc]

I'm glad you'll have a therapist to talk to, it's so important to have someone to talk to.  I could always share with my sister Peggy but now she has dementia, everything is changed.  I miss who she was.

In time maybe you will feel right sharing with his sister.

[razorclam]

It is probably not a good idea to share too much of your story with his family members. But if they are preoccupied with their own loss, and difficulties processing it, they will likely appreciate your presence in their lives, and not notice if you are struggling. Hopefully that will help you, on balance.