Girlfriend, my soul mate, of 1 1/2 years broke up with me after losing her father 3 months ago

[aleck1998]

Hello. I am happy I found this forum. My ex-girlfriend (22) and I (22) met through a mutual friend in December 2019. We fell in love the moment we locked eyes, I swear. The connection we began to form over the next nearly 2 years is one I did not even know was possible until I met her. Any insecurities were welcomed to be discussed, we were always on the same page, we stood in touch all day, and hung out and slept over frequently. Her family loved me, her mom would even tell me she loved me before she went to bed on occasion. We frequently talked about marriage and how committed we were to that idea. Nothing could change it. She always talked about how she wanted kids with me one day. I was all on board.

 

In April 2021, my ex-girlfriend’s dad passed away of COVID complications. It was sudden because he was doing better. She came home from college to him dead on her floor.  They were so extremely close I wish my text could do the justice of the reader understanding how close they truly were; she comes from an amazing family. I went to the wake and funeral. Communication was pretty normal after her dad died although things became a little more tense… we began to not be on the same page more frequently. We tried to understand each other, but problem resolving seemed more difficult. But we still told each other that no matter what, we wanted things to work. After that, nothing was the same. She told me she was traumatized and couldn’t even go in the family room anymore. The connection I thought was unbreakable with the girl I love slowly began to fade and emotional distance was taking over. Right after her dad died, she graduated, took a grad school summer class, and started her full time summer job as a camp counsellor. There was no time left for me… any spare time went to her family. She told me in the summer that “she hopes I do not break up with her or fall out of love because we will spend time less”. She continued to communicate normally with me until about July when I noticed we were talking significantly less and any efforts to talk lead to nowhere. She warned me to accept this change, but when every attempt to hang out lead to nothing, it started making me anxious. It began to become harder to express myself without worrying about hurting her feelings. We hardly got any alone time to talk with each other after this… most hang outs we were with other friends or her family. She began to stop holding me when we’d sleep together. I began to doubt her commitment to the relationship... I knew something was off. We were so unbelievably close before this tragedy occurred. We talked about marriage; we knew we were soul mates… and we talked about how nothing would ever come between that. Best friends forever. Constant reassurance of this. Grieving and working distanced herself from me. It was hard to find days to hang out and she felt guilty that she couldn’t give me what I wanted. She pulled away because I felt neglected. The communication dwindled to a point where we were hardly speaking. The last night we saw each other we cried together. She told me she was scared. Her mental capacity for the relationship just couldn't be there anymore. She called me August 9 to let me know it was done even though she still loves me. I felt the relationship was too important to let die without letting my final words in, but that was silly of me to do… it probably made things worse. I contacted her with a long, 10-minute voice message talking about how if she wants to be let go then that’s what I must do because I love her. I also told her maybe if we sat down and held each other, since we hadn’t done that in a while, we could physically feel we’re capable of doing this. I told her I felt abandoned and ignored after she did not acknowledge my messages and that I needed answers. She told me she’s sorry, she needs space right now, that her mental health is not ok, that she would listen to the messages, and that this hurts her just as bad as it hurts me. She then blocked my number. I reached out to a mutual friend of ours who introduced us and asked her to send her one last letter telling her I’m glad she asked for space so she can have what she wants and focus on herself. I asked her to send it because I wanted to respect the space she asked for… but doing that was directly not respecting her wishes of space. I regret doing this, but I felt as if our connection always allowed for emotional vulnerability and she would be understanding of my desire to reach out to further understand why the breakup happened… I wish we could have communicated about it better… that was the backbone of our relationship. I feel as if I ruined any chance of us reconnecting by attempting to contact her after the phone call… I just felt like our connection was worth more than that and a sit down talk & try to find common ground would be the first option. Grief is so tricky. The mutual friend had told me it seemed like I just added additional stress into her life, but I never intended to. The mutual friend told me to stop making her feel guilty for putting herself first. The mutual friend told me that I wasn’t there for her as much I thought I was. What!!!!! I tried my hardest to be there for her the only way I knew how. I apologized. I regret handling the breakup this way, but at the same time, if there was a good relationship between two people, I think it's totally justified to want your feelings to be heard. Some things may be done out of denial and shock, but it's all apart of the process. I just wanted my voice to be heard… my intention was to not guilt her about wanting to break up. I just waned to give her my affection to let her know I cared even if she could not be available/did not want to see me. I told her very special things in those audio messages… I did my best to be accepting of her life change change, but it got to a point where things just weren't working anymore. I am now blocked on everything but her Instagram. I guess if she ever wants to reach out she will, but this is so tough. My life has been turned upside down. I can’t even begin to imagine what she feels… thank you to anyone who may have anything to say to help me out. I miss her and I love her and I regret expressing my feelings after she tried to tell me it was done. Ultimately, it wouldn’t have changed anything. She knows how I feel about her. I thought she would want to hear what I had to say. The mutual friend told me she did not like hearing the voice messages. I told her exactly how I felt about her and that I thought our relationship was deserving to know what it’s like to get through this. The messages made her feel guilty, and I can understand that. It was a hard decision for her to make... There are so many emotions in my head and I feel sad I lost the girl of my dreams. I should have respected her boundaries better by being more accepting of what she wanted. But, at the end of the day, it just didn't work out. I feel like the relationship would not have ended if I just told her “it’s okay, don’t worry about our relationship for now. Focus on yourself” But I was suffering and was feeling self doubt… her speaking up was in both our best interests. In the end, what had to happen had to happen. It’s just horrible and I feel guilty for giving her stress during her worst. I’ll miss her so much. This hurts so bad. It hurts worse for her. I didn’t mean to hurt her or make her feelings feel invalidated or stress her out more. I understand she’s going through the biggest life change, but I wanted us to adapt to this change together. I thought we could do it because of the foundation we built together. I just want to give her a hug and tell her I’m sorry and everything will be okay. I truly love her and I’m not sure if I will ever be able to love again. I feel numb and depressed. She lost her best friend, her father. I lost my best friend, her.

[kayc]

I am so sorry you're going through this, I know the pain all too well.  I was engaged for a year and my fiance broke up with me by Fed Ex to my office, blindsiding and humiliating me in front of my coworkers as I didn't get to handle it in private. His mom was dying and he felt guilty for each moment we spent together instead of with his mom.  Things don't have to make sense when they're grieving, they just are...this is no one's "fault," but grief itself.  I've read every post in this section (and responded) and they do not change their minds, of the couple who thought they'd make it, they later messaged me that they had not.  I mention that to let you know, the sooner you face reality, the sooner you will heal, but I also want to add that this is a process, and as such it sometimes takes us time to realize that.

I'm glad you found this place, I hope you'll continue to come here and read/post.  You're not alone in what you're going through.

[aleck1998]

On 8/16/2021 at 12:14 AM, kayc said:

I am so sorry you're going through this, I know the pain all too well.  I was engaged for a year and my fiance broke up with me by Fed Ex to my office, blindsiding and humiliating me in front of my coworkers as I didn't get to handle it in private. His mom was dying and he felt guilty for each moment we spent together instead of with his mom.  Things don't have to make sense when they're grieving, they just are...this is no one's "fault," but grief itself.  I've read every post in this section (and responded) and they do not change their minds, of the couple who thought they'd make it, they later messaged me that they had not.  I mention that to let you know, the sooner you face reality, the sooner you will heal, but I also want to add that this is a process, and as such it sometimes takes us time to realize that.

I'm glad you found this place, I hope you'll continue to come here and read/post.  You're not alone in what you're going through.

Thanks for the reply! I’ve been seeing you on here for quite some time. I actually had posted on here a few months ago when I sensed things were going back, but I deleted it quickly after.

The breakup happened August 10. I felt so numb and sad. I could hardly eat. I spent my days thinking, panicking, and talking to friends and family. I have felt feelings of despair, betrayal, sadness, anger, frustration, love and understanding. Today, about an hour ago actually, I found this quote: “People tend to take for granted things that were given to them on a daily basis”. At the end of the day, she needed to break up. I wish her all the best and I am beginning my no contact journey. Whether or not she eventually reaches out to me is out my control and personally even if it happened I’d be shocked. My feelings and love for her are there, but I must move on. I will come back here to document my journey. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

Days 1-5 since break up day): Denial, sadness, numbness, confusion, shock, fear

Day 6: Sadness, anger, frustration, acceptance??? I feel like in this moment I’ve accepted that what has happened has happened, but my feelings for her remain unchanged. We shall see what the next few weeks bring. Honestly, I’m just going to use this time to better myself. She will cross my mind I’m sure, and my chest will feel the pain, but I have to do what’s best for myself!

[aleck1998]

In my personal situation, something I realized today is that the problem was never me, our relationship, or the flaws that I had. I always thought that’s why she left. She began to emotionally withdraw from me because she couldn’t take not being able to give me what she thought I needed. She knew she made promises to me but her mental stress became so high that she could no longer do it. That’s what I’m coming up with. I could understand how my voice messages made her uncomfortable. Why she can’t… I don’t know. I did my best to help her. Grief changes a person and it’s evident in both our cases.

[aleck1998]

Today I feel loneliness. Last night I had a huge wave of frustration. I recorded a 3 minute voice memo with legitimate anger. My girlfriend, well ex-girlfriend, has never heard me angry. It’s hard for me to be angry. I honestly feel like if she heard this new memo, she would be taken back but in a good way. I expressed in this memo how it’s not me, the relationship, or anything I said or did in the past like how I thought. Its none of that deep stuff. It’s because she can’t give me what a relationship needs to survive and she chose to run away from the problem even though she knows she wants to be with me. She feels guilty. Why she chooses to run away from it, I have no idea. I thought she valued what we had. I believe she still does even if she can’t feel it yet and I find it hard to believe I’ll be blocked forever. I feel okay but sad.

[kayc]

Everything both of you are stating is classic response for someone who does this (break up following loss).  

Yes this IS about you, just as THEIR grief is about THEM!  It is not your fault that they broke up, nor are you responsible in any way for their responses/feelings.  They have a lot of issues to wotk out.

This is from when I went through it all those years ago...now I feel I dodged a bullet but back then it shocked me and broke my heart.

 

[aleck1998]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

Everything both of you are stating is classic response for someone who does this (break up following loss).  

Yes this IS about you, just as THEIR grief is about THEM!  It is not your fault that they broke up, nor are you responsible in any way for their responses/feelings.  They have a lot of issues to wotk out.

This is from when I went through it all those years ago...now I feel I dodged a bullet but back then it shocked me and broke my heart.

 

Thank you for the response. A lot of what you said has helped and has actually sped up this whole process. I’ve read your story, and I will read it again to refresh my memory.

Tomorrow will be one week. I keep telling myself that if they truly valued me like I value them, this wouldn’t have happened… it’s not my fault. This girl could lose her limbs and I would still take care of her. I know her grief changed who is she.. but, ultimately she choose but to flee… it’s out of my control. She’s going through a hard time where her life has changed. I have no hard feelings toward her even though today I did feel anger (stage of grieving a relationship).  I can’t get my expectations up that they’ll reach out. If they do they do and maybe we can talk and hang out and see what would happen. Ball is in her court! I feel a bunch of different emotions randomly. Right now I’m really not as sad about it just because I realized there’s truly nothing I can do at all.

[kayc]

10 hours ago, aleck1998 said:

ultimately she choose but to flee

Yes, I had to keep this in mind when I went through it, for a while it's common to "hope" they'll come to their senses, they go through a period of giving us mixed messages which confuses us and dangles that hope like a carrot on a stick, but ultimately, hoping  prolongs the agony and delays healing, we do best to cut off contact, don't stalk on FB, etc., tell friends NOT to tell you anything about them.  The ball may be in their court but only if we let them.  Took me too long to realize that.  After a few months I realized to hear "blah, blah, blah" and not pay heed to anything he said, I determined it'd be the last time I cried over him.

[aleck1998]

Today, just slightly over a week later, I’ve completely accepted what happened. I’ve removed her from all social media that she didn’t already have me blocked on. I truly believe there’s more to this story… I know she’s going through something incredibly difficult I don’t understand, but when you love someone, you stick with them through thick and thin no matter what. You don’t leave and become emotionally distant no matter what may happen. And if you do, you explain why and compromise together. This person clearly does not value me like I value them. Maybe it is true, their mental is just such in a rut they made a hasty and impulsive decision to pull away and let go out of grief, but either way, it does not excuse what happened. Just my take here. I was the one who was abandoned, not the other way around. I stuck with her through her hard times no matter what and did my best. I was the ultimate loyal and faithful boyfriend who always kept it real… I know my worth.

[aleck1998]

4 hours ago, aleck1998 said:

Today, just slightly over a week later, I’ve completely accepted what happened. I’ve removed her from all social media that she didn’t already have me blocked on. I truly believe there’s more to this story… I know she’s going through something incredibly difficult I don’t understand, but when you love someone, you stick with them through thick and thin no matter what. You don’t leave and become emotionally distant no matter what may happen. And if you do, you explain why and compromise together. This person clearly does not value me like I value them. Maybe it is true, their mental is just such in a rut they made a hasty and impulsive decision to pull away and let go out of grief, but either way, it does not excuse what happened. Just my take here. I was the one who was abandoned, not the other way around. I stuck with her through her hard times no matter what and did my best. I was the ultimate loyal and faithful boyfriend who always kept it real… I know my worth.

8:33 Wednesday and now I have deep feelings of missing her. This is gonna be some rollercoaster of emotions isn’t it

[kayc]

Yes, aleck, I'm afraid it is.  But you have valuable insight, it will carry you, you will make it through this, little by little...healing.  You are very correct in stating your value, you deserve better than you got and my hope is that you will find it someday when you are healed and ready.

[aleck1998]

On 8/18/2021 at 11:00 PM, kayc said:

Yes, aleck, I'm afraid it is.  But you have valuable insight, it will carry you, you will make it through this, little by little...healing.  You are very correct in stating your value, you deserve better than you got and my hope is that you will find it someday when you are healed and ready.

Thank you so much for the nice words. I’m at a point now where I’m not in denial, I’m not afraid, I’m not even depressed. I go through phases of not caring, to anger, to missing the person. Also, thinking “what did I do wrong?” When I know I did nothing wrong… things simply just did not work out

[kayc]

I think self analyzing is common when this happens because it shakes our confidence in our judgment, until we realize we based it off what they had shown us, but now we have other pieces of information as to who they are and how they handle things and we are making good decisions going forward with it.  We can still trust ourselves.  People can fool us for a time but not forever.  Better to know sooner than later!

[aleck1998]

Almost a week and a half later and there’s a feeling in my heart that feels like loss. I don’t have any sadness right now, but just like something is missing… like something doesn’t feel right. This truly is a rollercoaster.

[kayc]

Yes, you can see from my story it's a whole process, it takes a while to process, adjust, and come full circle to a place of well being again.

[aleck1998]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

Yes, you can see from my story it's a whole process, it takes a while to process, adjust, and come full circle to a place of well being again.

Yeah… I’m slowly realizing that. Even if some days I feel “good”, the grief kicks in. I’m seeing a therapist tomorrow and I hope they’ll be able to provide something neither my friends, family or this board has shined light on yet

[aleck1998]

I’m very upset. I hope someone comes across this and adds some of their insight as well. Today, she put a sweater I gave her in my mailbox along with a candle of extreme importance to me. My grandma gave me a candle when I was younger and it has a very important bible quote on it… I always wondered what the purpose of this candle was (I never lit it) and I gave it to her after her father passed away… the purpose was to give to her. She attached a letter and said “This was a very thoughtful gift and it didn’t feel right to keep it”. It just kind of made me sad and triggered all of these feelings of missing her deeply. This is so incredibly hard… I just want her to be apart of my life. I just want my best friend back man.

[MartyT]

2 hours ago, aleck1998 said:

I just want her to be apart of my life. I just want my best friend back man.

What you want is understandable, but judging by her behavior she has stopped being your "best friend" ~ if indeed she ever was. I'm sure her returning these items (which clearly meant so much to you) must feel like a kick in the gut ~ something akin to her putting the last nail in the coffin.

Still, she does acknowledge your thoughtfulness in giving these things to her, and she is being honest when she says it didn't feel right for her to keep them.

On 8/19/2021 at 2:55 AM, aleck1998 said:

I did nothing wrong… the person simply did not love me as I thought. No problem is too big or to small under true commitment and that’s a commitment she could no longer promise to me

It seems to me that this statement tells you all you need to know about this relationship. I hope that with the sadness you are feeling, you'll also allow yourself to feel the anger and the pain. You are mourning the loss of something that meant the world to you ~ and your loss is worthy of your grief.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you . . . 

[kayc]

12 hours ago, aleck1998 said:

“This was a very thoughtful gift and it didn’t feel right to keep it”.

II'm sure this felt like a rejection but I reckon she was thinking since your grandmother gave it to you it wouldn't feel right to her to keep it since you're broken up...but on the other hand, what of the sweater?  That feels like a slap in the face as what are you supposed to do with it anyway?  My fiance and I did not return gifts from each other, that doesn't seem right.  I had to steel my heart and determine NOT to let him hurt me anymore!  It was a few months out, can't remember exactly when, three or four months?  But I determined never to cry over him again, and I kept that until years later when his daughter called and told me he was in the hospital on death's bed and asking for me.  Of course I went and saw him and I did cry but only as "friends" and we've distanced ourselves more since...his XW is living with him the last few years.  These things have a way of working themselves out.

I'm  so sorry this ripped the bandaid off for you again...

[aleck1998]

On 8/22/2021 at 9:18 AM, kayc said:

II'm sure this felt like a rejection but I reckon she was thinking since your grandmother gave it to you it wouldn't feel right to her to keep it since you're broken up...but on the other hand, what of the sweater?  That feels like a slap in the face as what are you supposed to do with it anyway?  My fiance and I did not return gifts from each other, that doesn't seem right.  I had to steel my heart and determine NOT to let him hurt me anymore!  It was a few months out, can't remember exactly when, three or four months?  But I determined never to cry over him again, and I kept that until years later when his daughter called and told me he was in the hospital on death's bed and asking for me.  Of course I went and saw him and I did cry but only as "friends" and we've distanced ourselves more since...his XW is living with him the last few years.  These things have a way of working themselves out.

I'm  so sorry this ripped the bandaid off for you again...

Thank you for sharing your experience with me as well. Life does seem to always come full circle… people often take for granted things given to them on a daily basis and they only want it back when they realize it may be too late

[aleck1998]

13 hours ago, MartyT said:

What you want is understandable, but judging by her behavior she has stopped being your "best friend" ~ if indeed she ever was. I'm sure her returning these items (which clearly meant so much to you) must feel like a kick in the gut ~ something akin to her putting the last nail in the coffin.

Still, she does acknowledge your thoughtfulness in giving these things to her, and she is being honest when she says it didn't feel right for her to keep them.

It seems to me that this statement tells you all you need to know about this relationship. I hope that with the sadness you are feeling, you'll also allow yourself to feel the anger and the pain. You are mourning the loss of something that meant the world to you ~ and your loss is worthy of your grief.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you . . . 

I have been angry, yes. Very angry. I’ve felt all of the emotions from anger to sadness to acceptance to glee. I thought she meant the world to me because I thought I meant the world to her and that connection we had… that ideology that no matter what we would work things out, I believed it. I’d really like to know what the turning point for her was. All of this time I thought she was becoming distant because she was depressed, but I think a lot of the time during that distance, she was debating ending it with me. Her mental capacity could no longer tolerate a relationship… but I don’t understand how she’s okay with removing me out of her life. So many questions and no way to get answers. I’m trying to heal and honestly, by doing NC and just sort of accepting what happened, I feel like I’m doing pretty good but, ya know, it still hurts

[kayc]

And it's okay to feel anger.  Of course you do!  You've been mistreated to the highest degree!  Interesting that she picked two items out of the many to return, but not the things of monetary value.  That says something right there.  You've dodged a bullet, my man!  I'm sorry.  I know this is bewildering, try to close off thoughts of her as not worth it.  Find something enjoyable today to spend your energy on!

[aleck1998]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

And it's okay to feel anger.  Of course you do!  You've been mistreated to the highest degree!  Interesting that she picked two items out of the many to return, but not the things of monetary value.  That says something right there.  You've dodged a bullet, my man!  I'm sorry.  I know this is bewildering, try to close off thoughts of her as not worth it.  Find something enjoyable today to spend your energy on!

True… I’ve had that thought come across as well. Today I’ll be going to the gym and we’ll see what the day holds after that. I really appreciate the continued replies… 

[MartyT]

9 minutes ago, aleck1998 said:

And it's okay to feel anger.

Is Anger One of the Stages of Grief?

In Grief: Acknowledging Jealousy and Anger

[aleck1998]

6 hours ago, MartyT said:

Is Anger One of the Stages of Grief?

In Grief: Acknowledging Jealousy and Anger

Thank you. I will be reading these tonight. My brain is still confused on why this happened… I can’t wrap my head around the fact that this is what she wanted. Us, total strangers.