Girlfriend, my soul mate, of 1 1/2 years broke up with me after losing her father 3 months ago

[aleck1998]

Tested positive for covid yesterday and I can’t remember the last time I felt this sick. I’m in a really tough spot and all I want is to reconnect with my partner. It sucks.

[kayc]

Oh no!  I hope you aren't hit hard!  Do you have anyone checking on you, someone who can drop off meals?  My little sister had it for over a month, was hit hard.  Her husband took off work (he owns his own business) and took care of her.  Not everyone has that luxury.  After she healed, she told me if I got it she'd come get me and my puppy and take to her home and she'd take care of me while I healed.  That meant the world to me as I have no one here.  We never know how this will hit.

Take care of yourself, try to rest as much as possible.  Forget trying to go to work, even if it means living on credit the next few weeks, I know this is tremendously hard, but put your life FIRST!

I hope you'll update us as you can.

[aleck1998]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

Oh no!  I hope you aren't hit hard!  Do you have anyone checking on you, someone who can drop off meals?  My little sister had it for over a month, was hit hard.  Her husband took off work (he owns his own business) and took care of her.  Not everyone has that luxury.  After she healed, she told me if I got it she'd come get me and my puppy and take to her home and she'd take care of me while I healed.  That meant the world to me as I have no one here.  We never know how this will hit.

Take care of yourself, try to rest as much as possible.  Forget trying to go to work, even if it means living on credit the next few weeks, I know this is tremendously hard, but put your life FIRST!

I hope you'll update us as you can.

Thank you for your kind words kayc. I am a 22-year-old college student who lives at home so I will be okay in regards to food and whatnot. My mom has been great in helping me out with things. My dad has a fever and just got a another test.. I’m fearful I may have given him my illness. Unfortunately, I was very stubborn about getting vaccinated and wanted to wait for FDA approval… but it was too late it seems. I will feel awful if I give this to any of my other family members.

your sister sounds like an amazing person and I’m grateful she was able to beat this illness. I will continue to update in both regards

[kayc]

I'm relieved you have someone keeping an eye out for you and caring for you.  I hope and pray your parents do not get it and that they're taking precautions.  Thank you for updates!!

[aleck1998]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

I'm relieved you have someone keeping an eye out for you and caring for you.  I hope and pray your parents do not get it and that they're taking precautions.  Thank you for updates!!

Thank you kayc. We are all taking precautions as much as possible. I appreciate you a lot. I’ve been symptom free for a few days besides tiredness so it’s just a matter of getting through isolation at this point.

If I may stray off the covid topic for a bit, could I ask this question?

Is it realistic to be under the impression that even if my significant other and I do not reconcile that we will eventually communicate in due time? It appears that most ex-couples, a very high percentage (especially if both sides still have love for each other) talk eventually even if there is no interest from the other party to reconcile.

My therapist is under the impression (after telling her our extensive history) that the passing of her father was not a direct cause of wanting to separate but rather “opened a floodgate”. I think some people pull inward during grief and others choose to push outward. It appeared that, at first, she was pulling inward but starting pushing out and becoming distant over time. The facts are as follows: she still loves me (I believe this), she wanted space, and she felt like she could not prioritize the relationship and needed to prioritize herself. Truthfully, nobody knows what she’s going through… everyone experiences grief differently and their situation is unique to them.

I feel like a broken record but especially so being in isolation, it’s tough. My motivation to do much is small. A lot of what I’d do throughout the day involves going to the gym and exercising, so being cooped up inside just has me thinking all day.

Also, not sure if I mentioned this, but the other day was her father’s birthday. I was feeling down and then it hit my brain… I looked at the Mass card and saw it was indeed her dad’s birthday. I wanted to reach out so bad but there is effectively no way for me to (unless I follow her again on social media which I will, at least not now, be doing). I know that day was the toughest for her and her family in this journey so far. I ever so badly want to be there for them and give all of my support and love to them. I love her family.

My therapist had also referred to our relationship as one that’s comparable to “an old married couple”. Not in the regard that we would bicker and stuff, but in that it was a pure, genuine relationship that was created on the foundation of support, love and understanding. All we ever wanted to do was be in the presence of each other.

For some more context, she has somewhat of a history of becoming very close with people but then cutting them out only to reconnect once again. She had two roommates (one of them she was friends with since her childhood) and she eventually cut them both out with the impression they would never reconnect again. Eventually, they did reconnect. I think she has reconnected with every significant individual that has been apart of her life other than her first boyfriend who cheated on her. I guess all of these reasons are giving me this false hope, but again, I don’t really like to use the word hope although that does appear to be the best choice of wording. My heart feels empty today… I am trying to do my best to move on, and I was doing okay, but being in isolation as mentioned does not help this cause at all.

[kayc]

21 hours ago, aleck1998 said:

My therapist is under the impression (after telling her our extensive history) that the passing of her father was not a direct cause of wanting to separate but rather “opened a floodgate”.

That is a possibility.  You've undoubtedly told your therapist more than you've shared here so he/she may have some insight we're not privy too.  

21 hours ago, aleck1998 said:

Is it realistic to be under the impression that even if my significant other and I do not reconcile that we will eventually communicate in due time? It appears that most ex-couples, a very high percentage (especially if both sides still have love for each other) talk eventually even if there is no interest from the other party to reconcile.

From what I've seen it is more rare than a high percentage...I am one of the very few exceptions that have contact with my ex, each person's situation is different depending on if toxicity enters, if a person can lay aside hope and accept what is (if one person is hoping for one thing and the other not, it can be easy to try to manipulate however intervertant, which is not sustainable for a friendship).  It's important to accept the reality and to respect each other which includes if she says NO.  If trying to be friends causes you pain, I'd say forego it, and definitely give yourself the space of a few months or a year, whatever you need to get "over" her.  If anything develops further down the road than that, you may or may not want to reconcile, your persepective/clarity can change with time, even if you don't foresee that now.

 

21 hours ago, aleck1998 said:

being cooped up inside just has me thinking all day.

Watch movies, read, whatever, but try not to give yourself too much "thinking time," a hard stretch I realize considering your situation right now.  Maybe talk on the phone?

21 hours ago, aleck1998 said:

I wanted to reach out so bad but there is effectively no way for me to (unless I follow her again on social media which I will, at least not now, be doing).

It would be counterproductive to reach out when she wants space, it's best to allow her this time which not only respects her known wishes, but also gives her time to truly see what life without you in it is.  She NEEDS to feel the loss of you to either move on or to value what you had enough to want it back.  Either way, keep your no contact.  And you're wise to not follow her on FB (I know you're curious, that's natural), God this is so hard, I remember all too well like it was yesterday!  To do so would be to prolong your healing and any strides you can make and put off gleaning clarity.

 

[kayc]

I read this years ago and saved it:
https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/233031-reconciliation-list/

[aleck1998]

Thank you for your responses and the link. I read most of what was in the link. I agree with everything that has been posted there. It is totally in my own best interest to just accept the facts, remain NC, and live my life. My therapist says it’s okay to think about her and allow myself to grieve but not to “wallow” in it. To prevent wallowing, you need to do exactly that: keep busy and move forward. It’s tough to remind yourself of this sometimes when you get into almost what seems like a cycle of negative thoughts.

Kayc… what helped you the most during your healing process?

[kayc]

Keeping busy.  I visited my little sister for a few days right at first, my place was never so clean as it was during the aftermath of the breakup! 

One of the reasons you're having such a hard time is having Covid, not feeling well, and unable to go anywhere or do anything.    This too shall pass.  

[aleck1998]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

Keeping busy.  I visited my little sister for a few days right at first, my place was never so clean as it was during the aftermath of the breakup! 

One of the reasons you're having such a hard time is having Covid, not feeling well, and unable to go anywhere or do anything.    This too shall pass.  

It will pass! Things have not gotten easier.. I found out today I gave my father my covid illness, and I am now fearful and feeling extreme guilt. I wish I had gotten my shot. They told me to every day and now I’ve gotten my own father sick. Life really knows how to kick you when you’re down… this has probably been the hardest month in my entire life or at least one of them. I can’t think of much else that compares.

[kayc]

Oh no!  I am so sorry!  This is such an insidious disease.  We've never seen anything quite like it.  My little sister got hers from her husband, he contracted it while speaking to his church, he'd taken his mask off at the podium because he was the speaker, it was the only time he'd let his guard down.  It seems some are lucky, some are not, it can be anywhere.

I really hope and pray you both get well without a hitch.  

[aleck1998]

Thank you kayc. I agree… it comes down to a lot of lucky/unluckiness.

by the way, I checked out your profile. We have the same birthday haha

[MartyT]

21 hours ago, aleck1998 said:

I found out today I gave my father my covid illness, and I am now fearful and feeling extreme guilt.

My friend, I watched a video yesterday of a doctor responding to a young man whose story is similar to your own. He didn't get the vaccine, he got COVID and he passed it on to his both his parents. Now he is consumed with guilt. I will say to you what this doctor said to him: "Please don't beat yourself up. We all do the best we can with the information we have, and in the face of conflicting information, misinformation, disinformation, poor communication from authorities who are supposed to be looking out for us, who somehow can't understand that shaming people into submission is not gonna work, that focusing on taking away people's freedoms with mandates and things like that without really sitting down and explaining the why is not gonna work . . . " You can watch the entire video here: 

 

 

[aleck1998]

@MartyT Thank you for the link. I will watch. It’s very thoughtful of you to post that.

[aleck1998]

If anyone is willing to add some insight to a new thought I had, I’d appreciate it.

After my girlfriend’s dad passed away, she graduated and started her summer job as a camp counsellor. There were times where weeks would go by where we would not see each other. When I would ask if we could hang out, on occasion she would tell me “yes” only to change her mind the next day due to being tired or another similar reason. I tried my best to be understanding due to the fact she was working 8-5 every day except weekends and grieving the loss of her father, but it got to the point where I was feeling a bit neglected. I had pretty much told her that I want to get closer to her not further away and I was feeling a bit neglected. I had told her it was okay we don’t see each other as much, but the fact that she was unwilling to compromise on a day for us to spend time together had me really anxious. Was it wrong of me to tell her I was feeling neglected during a time of her grief? She kept giving me the same answer… that she’s doing her best and she’s sorry that her actions are making me feel that way. Ever since these little conflicts started, that’s when she really began to pull away more frequently. I don’t think I was in the wrong for wanting to spend time with her… but I think it really stressed her out that I felt neglected… it just wasn't working.

More weeks would go by and we would only see each other maybe once every 2-3 weeks and only if it was for a reason like a grad party or some sort of organized gathering. She told me she had to prioritize herself. I understand where she’s coming from… but the ideology of “thick and thin” always comes back into place… I just always thought she would want to make it work and that’s why it confused me in the end why we split.

I know she was beginning to feel guilty she couldn’t find the time to spend with me due to her grief and job, but wouldn’t she have a desire to find the time if she truly loved me? Wouldn’t she have wanted to spend time with me? After some thought was put into this, I have concluded that this isn't true. She loved me and that's why she had to let go.

I did try my best to give her all of my support and love. I know she’s experiencing a loss I cannot even begin to comprehend and in a way now I feel guilty that I kept pressuring her to spend time with me. This situation was never about me. Yet, at the same time, it’s fair to expect someone in a relationship is willing to meet with you halfway on topics like when to spend time together. It felt like she was making time for others, but no longer for me. It got to a point where she didn’t even want to make time for me to talk to me on the phone… any time I asked there was a reason why she didn’t want to. I became very confused. Did I push her away? Clearly, I must have done something to, but I don’t think asking to spend time with my girlfriend and then getting a bit anxious about it when there’s a constant reason why she’s unable to is a reason to have them push away from me…

I don’t hold any hard feelings toward her and I know she does not with me either, which honestly makes this whole thing hurt more. She understands that none of us are in the wrong and I understand that too. It was not wrong of me to want to see her, but it was not wrong of her to need to prioritize herself and her family. I wish this could’ve been more like a “break” rather than a full split. That’s where this really confuses me. Our relationship was more than healthy enough to be worth coming back to or just coming up with a solution that worked for us both. More than healthy.

To be quite fair, we never blamed each other for anything. It was not a “I’m right, you’re wrong” situation. Did I feel abandoned? Yes. However, I’m not sure if I do anymore. She had to do what’s best for her, but yet again it all comes full circle when you think: if she loved me like she said, wouldn’t she have fought for this like I did? It wasn’t even worth a discussion… I just got shut out

[kayc]

16 hours ago, aleck1998 said:

We have the same birthday

So does my Kodie (puppy)!

16 hours ago, MartyT said:

Please don't beat yourself up. We all do the best we can with the information we have, and in the face of conflicting information, misinformation, disinformation, poor communication from authorities who are supposed to be looking out for us, who somehow can't understand that shaming people into submission is not gonna work, that focusing on taking away people's freedoms with mandates and things like that without really sitting down and explaining the why is not gonna work . . .

I couldn't agree more and when I was lying in bed last night I was thinking about how to word it, then I come here this morning and Marty already expressed it perfectly with this doctor's words!  Thank you, Marty, perfect video to post for him!  I was wishing I had something concrete like that, more than just my words.

This is one of those situations where there isn't any blame, neither one of you did anything "wrong," it is what it is, if anything, blame grief/loss/death/life.  But it did reveal HOW she handles things, which is an important piece of information.

 

 

[aleck1998]

It’s true.. it’s very true. I just thought things would end differently. (message was edited 9/13/21 so the message below this one may not make sense for anyone reading this forum)

[kayc]

You can't as long as you're feeling this way about her though, it'd be like slow torture to the umpth degree.  Give yourself a chance to heal before even thinking of it, it's important to fully accept it first.

[aleck1998]

37 minutes ago, kayc said:

You can't as long as you're feeling this way about her though, it'd be like slow torture to the umpth degree.  Give yourself a chance to heal before even thinking of it, it's important to fully accept it first.

Thank you kayc 🙂

[aleck1998]

Had a big revelation today about a bunch of things regarding the relationship. I’m thankful the relationship happened, but it's for the best it ended. So many emotions to deal with on a daily basis. My feelings are of course there for her, but I need to heal, and so does she. She is absolutely in the right to heal as needed and I need to respect her wishes for space right now. I use the forum as a way to get everything out of my system!

[kayc]

17 hours ago, aleck1998 said:

I use the forum as a way to get everything out of my system!

And it's good that you express yourself to us, we need a safe place to do that.  

[aleck1998]

Here I am... 24 hours later and the emotions I feel are similar to the ones I felt many weeks ago when the breakup was more fresh. Why must this be so hard!

[kayc]

Our body needs time to adjust, the worst pain in the world seems to be that of the heart.  And that's saying alot, I'm in extreme pain from foot surgery right now!

How is your Covid doing?  Praying for you & your dad.

[aleck1998]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Our body needs time to adjust, the worst pain in the world seems to be that of the heart.  And that's saying alot, I'm in extreme pain from foot surgery right now!

How is your Covid doing?  Praying for you & your dad.

What happened with your foot? I'm wishing you a speedy recovery!

My covid symptoms are significantly better and I can come out of quarantine fully starting Sunday & will get my shot ASAP. My dad is significantly better as well. He's outside doing yard work and he seems to have been fully recovered! My brother got it as well but his symptoms are light. Very grateful as things could have been much, much worse. My mom has been a bit sick, but tested negative so she probably has it but praying for the best!

[kayc]

Melanoma is what happened, they tried to get it all and failed (that took six weeks to heal) so cut on it more/deeper, there's no meat there, just skin, bone, and apparently...nerves.  This was more excruciating than anything I've been through with broken bones, surgery, childbirth, etc. honestly!  And they gave me nothing for the pain, no warning, no instructions about icing/elevating (which I did), nothing!  They wanted me to drive 100 miles back the next day, I don't think so!!!  The surgeon was extremely uninformed about what it's like if you ask me!  

Wow on you and your dad's recovery, that's amazing!  All of you!  My little sister had it and was down for the count for over a month!  She's lost a lot of hair since.  She was lucky to have her husband to take care of her, she's the only one who offered to take care of me and Kodie (puppy) if I ever get it!  She understands what it's like.