Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Girlfriend, my soul mate, of 1 1/2 years broke up with me after losing her father 3 months ago


Recommended Posts

Oh my gosh that sounds so horrible I'm sorry you had to go through that. Yeah really, how could they possibly expect you to drive back? No warnings in advance that the procedure would be so brutal? Sounds extremely unprofessional to me.

I'm glad your sister is doing better now through everything! Unfortunately the covid stuff seems to be the luck of the draw and some get it worse than others regardless of pre-existing conditions, age, etc. Obviously, a lower chance of getting severely ill if you're vaccinated and young, but even those who seemingly have nothing wrong... you hear these horrible stories and it really makes you understand how scary of a virus it can be. Totally random!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've since learned that laws govern doctors not being able to hand out pain Rxs with surgery, unbelievable!  You have to first HAVE extreme pain warranting taking something and then show up IN PERSON at the doctor's regardless of how much agony you're in or how far away you live.  Something terribly wrong about these laws, drug addiction should not govern common sense if you ask me!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, kayc said:

I've since learned that laws govern doctors not being able to hand out pain Rxs with surgery, unbelievable!  You have to first HAVE extreme pain warranting taking something and then show up IN PERSON at the doctor's regardless of how much agony you're in or how far away you live.  Something terribly wrong about these laws, drug addiction should not govern common sense if you ask me!

Really??? Where do you live? After my ACL surgery in February 2020, I got prescribed Percocet out of the hospital and picked up the prescription that day. Is this a new law?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm in Oregon, it used to say on my profile, they must have quit showing that.  I was told it was the last couple of years, so IDK.  I thought it was federal but who knows.  Haven't found anything on it.

How are you and your family doing (Covid)?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My family is all better! They're just going through the whole isolation/quarantine process regardless of the fact they have no symptoms anymore :) well, only my dad who has lost most of his taste, but I think he said recently it's like an on and off thing, so I think it's coming back! Definitely dodged a bullet there, for sure.

Also, regarding my grieving and the breakup, I feel like I'm in a really great headspace with everything right now. Of course, it's not a smooth road, but it's okay!

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so glad!  You're doing amazingly well with it considering everything you've been through, you must be one amazing young person!  I am so glad to hear about your family.  I saw somewhere (Inside Edition?) there is something they can give you to help restore smell/taste.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for the compliment! Very nice :) Oh really?? I'll look into that. I'll have to ask my dad if he can taste again and get an update on that. This forum has been so beneficial.. I wonder what my grieving process would be if I didn't have this source to come to and kind of just express myself

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Found it!  Sue Phillips, a fragrance expert in New York City who has become known as the “smell healer” of the COVID-19 pandemic

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know if anyone will provide an answer to this haha but yeah. So, if anyone has read this thread, they will see that me and my ex-girlfriend were introduced from a mutual friend. This mutual friend is my ex's best friend, but was/is(?) a very good friend of mine as well. In fact, up until the break up, I would call her a top 5 friend of mine in terms of closeness, openness, etc.

Today is her birthday. The last time I spoke to her was a month ago when I was pretty much panicking about my ex blocking me. She texted me about it very calmly regardless of my franticness. She recommended I don't reach out (regarding my ex) and the last thing she told me was to "take care". I can understand why she would feel uncomfortable to talk to me at this moment because she is my ex's best friend. However, we aren't on bad terms. There is a great amount of respect between us. Do I wish the mutual friend of ours a happy birthday? Not with any hidden message or anything. Just "Happy birthday". I feel like it would be disrespectful almost not to... but at the same time I really don't know if she would be comfortable hearing from me at this moment since me and my ex are not speaking at all. Any opinions?

I don't want to give off the impression that I'm looking for something more out of wishing her a happy birthday which is kind of what I fear. I guess I shouldn't... but I'd like to just be friendly with her because she was/(is?) a pretty significant person in my life when we were communicating on a daily basis. I just kind of want to be civil but I don't know if it's more civil to just not send the text. Like I said, I'm not looking for anything out of it like to strike a conversation with her or anything like that. Just to be polite. She was/(is?) a really good friend.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Update: I am not going to do it. It could give off a false impression of saying it to get emotional leverage with both of them. Also, the last thing my ex told me was to respect her wishes for space. By communicating to some degree with the mutual friend (that she way closer to than I am), it could potentially violate her idea of what space is... and that's a lesson I already learned when I tried to reach out the few days after she broke it off. I'm glad I typed my thoughts out here and came to this decision on my own. I feel like it's progress to some capacity.

Nonetheless, I still wish (albeit, to myself) that she has a great day.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry, I was on and off earlier than your post yesterday...but it looks like you mulled it over and came to a decision on your own.  Thumbs up to you!

I know it's hard.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

No problem at all! I always appreciate the responses, seriously! :)

It was really an easy decision to come to actually when all things were considered. It is definitely hard... the whole breakup... it activates a lot of feelings that I've never really felt before

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's funny... today I kind of realized something. A lot of the emotions I felt in the beginning of the breakup are not there anymore. The original denial, shock, confusion, anger, etc... Not understanding why she did what she did. Thinking necessarily that I did something wrong that caused all of this. Thinking that I deserved another chance to "prove" something (I had nothing to prove). Thinking that we should have made a better attempt to fix things. No... it has nothing to do with that. It has nothing to do with any of these things.

She went through an extreme and traumatic life change. She had to put herself first. It was nothing against me. She could no longer be in a relationship. She needs to focus on herself and needs space away from me and a relationship. Everyone grieves differently and there is no correct way to grieve. She could not be there as she used to and she knew it was hurting me. At the same time, me expecting things to be how they used to was probably hurting her, too. I finally, finally... understand. I can almost cry... and I probably will.. but in a different way. Not in a way of crying because I miss her, etc. (although, I do) but crying because I really understand her perspective now and it's very sad that this is how it all ended.

I almost, in a way, wish I handled the breakup a bit differently. In the grand scheme of things, it probably does not matter much. I think if a relationship ends with a dumper and dumpee, it is totally normal for the dumpee to make an attempt to see if things can be salvaged. I didn't say anything mean. I let my feelings out and naturally, I think that's okay to do and is justified when someone breaks up with you. What would be wrong is if you yell at them, get angry, make threats, curse at them, tell them they're the worst, tell them they have to stay with you or else this and that, etc. But, it's okay to be confused about it when it first happens and try to figure out what is going on. It's okay to make an attempt to talk to them if the breakup is extremely fresh and it was a good relationship. However, it was very smart of her to block me and I respect that decision. It is no longer the factor where it's like "oh my god, I can't believe she blocked me!" but, now, it's more like... that was the right move. She didn't try to keep me hanging on to lead me to believe something that wasn't true. She NEEDS space. I will always remember that on the phone she told me she still loved me at the time of the breakup. That's all the closure you need. It has nothing to do with all of these things like the love went away, feelings went away, she doesn't like me, etc. No. She just can't do it right now. Not with me. Not with anyone. She can't do it. I genuinely feel like when she is ready, we may be able to talk, take things slow and see what happens. I'm not getting my hopes up, but my gut is telling me this. Just like my gut was telling me something was wrong before she broke up with me... my gut is just telling me... give this time. And in the end, no matter what, you will be okay.

In the future, I hope we talk again. I truly believe this is a scenario of the right person, but the wrong time. Even if the time never comes again where we do not get a chance to reconcile, I will always believe that she was right for me. There is no bad blood between us. We had a special connection that is impossible to replicate. Even if I find someone else that I connect with in a way that is truly special, unique and makes me feel true love again, I will always remember her and the life experience the relationship gave me. She is a great person. What a great relationship. We really were a power couple. Everyone around us knew what we had was special. I hope she is able to find peace in this cruel world.

Thank you to anyone who has always read my thoughts on here. Kayc, MartyT, etc. I will still post if I feel I need to. This is so therapeutic for me. God... this is so hard. Breakups are hard. This is the most difficult thing I have ever experienced.

If things are meant to be, we will find each other once again.... and that is a fact. Again, in the words of her phone call, "who knows what the future holds"... or something along those lines haha I don't remember the exact phrasing she used. Today, just like many other days, progress has been made.

Edit: It's funny... after writing this, now I feel like wait a minute... she chose to break up with me. She hurt me. It was justified, but like.. idk. I thought she would want to end it differently, but at the same time.. it's like, how else could it have gone down anyway? I'm defending her actions, but what about myself? I do not blame her for doing what she did (at this point in time, maybe in the beginning stages of the BU... not so much) but damn I wish we were able to make it work. So many emotions to feel! I go back and forth with how to feel about it. It becomes so much to deal with mentally.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm glad you realize this wasn't about you in that you did not cause this but it affected you greatly and it's a process trying to assimilate it into your life, let alone accept it.  

I do fault my ex-fiance for HOW he broke up with me (Fed Ex delivery at my job was totally unwarranted, but understanding he's an Aspie and they can't deal with confrontation), he owed me a discussion at least and at the very least should have broken up with me OUTSIDE of work, not so I did not have the benefit of privacy to try to absorb the shock.

It is totally okay to have ambivalent feelings, even while understanding, all of your feelings are justified and natural!  Going forward I hope you put yourself first.  It taught me that he was not right for me as a partner, I need a partner who is an effective communicator and one who would not throw me overboard no matter life's circumstance.  There's a big difference between asking for space to deal with grief...and totally breaking off with the person.  Nope!  It's why I've chosen to be single the last 12+ years!  It's not that I don't realize there's good men out there...I just don't feel like going looking, I've been through a lot in my life and this was the last straw!  I'm tired of being the one that extends all of the effort.  Shows the ones I've had were not right for me...excepting the one that died, we had a great relationship, great communication, and mutually loved each other and prioritized one another...the only way it works. ;)

You are a good person, I believe you'll find your one, and I pray you have a long and happy life together!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 9/14/2021 at 9:12 AM, kayc said:

Shows the ones I've had were not right for me...excepting the one that died, we had a great relationship, great communication, and mutually loved each other and prioritized one another...the only way it works. ;)

I especially agree with you on that. HOW people breakup is a very telltale sign of the respect they had for you and the relationship. Bearing circumstances of abuse, cheating, etc. I believe a breakup should always end with a mutual discussion. While the dumpers are not entitled to give anyone that, it should just be done out of respect for the other person and the relationship as a whole. Being broken up with at your job is not correct but, as you say, there are reasonings behind it, which sort of masks the characteristics of it. Just like I thought my relationship wouldn't end over a phone call and that even if she did want to breakup, we could at least talk things out in person. I personally did nothing to warrant being blocked, but again, this is their grief, and honestly I am not in their shoes at all... so it's hard to even like analyze it. Nobody is right or wrong it's just confusing, honestly.

Yup. I don't blame you for being single. Once you come out of a great relationship, you set your standards really high afterward. I would imagine things change in the dating life and I would assume I'll experience those changes. I agree with asking for space and breaking it off. I wish my ex had communicated to me what was going on inside her head. Like, "Hey ____. I've been really having thoughts of wanting to break up and I apologize if this makes you upset but it's something I want to avoid. Can we talk and work this out?" Or something like that. Ya know. The entire time I was in a relationship with this girl, she lead me to believe that if she ever was thinking of ending it, that would be discussed first before any decisions were made. It's hard to draw the line of well, ok, is this the grief changing this person or does she just want nothing to do with me or what? As mentioned, it's so incredibly complex to analyze that it is almost useless to and just accept it for what it is: she broke up with me. That's it. That's all. Nothing else to it.

In regard to what I quoted, I agree. I feel the same way about me and my ex. Great communication, mutual love, and a lot of prioritization. All of a sudden, it just went away and I was told genuinely it never would. It's a lot of shock. It's hard and for people like you, me, and many others on this forum, it's something we all may never understand, but we can accept it either way.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are absolutely right...the way they went about it was very telling.  Funny, he and I can talk about anything but when it came down to it he did not talk with me about what was most important, his inability to handle a relationship while grieving or what to do about it.  I felt his send the breakup note by FedEx to my JOB was more than disrespectful, it felt like a backhand slap that was totally uncalled for, I'd always been good to him and did not deserve that diss.  In the end, it's not something I would want in a mate!  He may be okay as a friend but definitely not marriage material being as he can't discuss the important things or work things out.  JMO ;)

I wish you well going forward!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...