A question

[kenneth]

I found this website while surfing. I figured, why not.

 

Years ago, my wife and our eldest son were in an accident. She did not make it. After 14 years of married bliss, I buried the woman I love, and  I could not bear to look at the sons--our sons--she left behind. The youngest never got to know her.

 

Few days ago, I got the call nobody expected. "Sorry to bother you, sir, I know you're busy. Wouldn't have called if the doctor didn't make me" that's the first thing my eldest said. He reluctantly told me he got covid and not to worry since he'll figure out how to pay his medical bills. This boy is my son, yet it felt like hearing a skittish intern from my office. As the doctor (a family friend) explained things, all I could think about was "Since when did I become 'sir' to him?"

 

Then my youngest son was pleading with his brother not to die because "you're all I have left. I don't wanna be alone." It hurt to know that I'm not counted but I guess I deserved that.

 

It took a desperate video call for me to realize that I botched things up. I dealt with grief the wrong way. What do I do from here?

[kayc]

Who raised your son?  If it was not you, some things don't get a re-do.  However, even if you did but were distant from him, again, you cannot go back and redo things.  BUT you can start from right here and now going forward.  TELL him how much he means to you!  It may not mean a lot to him right now, words are easy but actions speak, but you can continue going forward with ACTION so eventually you may build something with him.  And to hell with money, use what you have to help him.  Hanging onto it does us no good, we need to save some, yes, but we should also use it to do good.  We can't take it with us.

I am sorry for your loss of your wife, we've all been there, it's very hard and we're not given a roadmap to help us navigate.  I was lucky, I found this site early on, Marty has been a very helpful guide along the way with a wealth of knowledge and best of all, compassion.  

Pray for your son.  I am.

[EMAL]

Maybe ask your son where you can go from here.  Ask him how his life is.  Listen to him and listen some more and let yourself feel your broken heart and try as hard as you can to not defend yourself when his anger and disappointment show.  We ALL need/want our parents no matter what stage of life we're in or how long it has been.  Let him lead the way.  Ask a therapist how you might proceed because you might need support to go back to this relationship and all the buried emotion that might come up.  And remember that the doctor could not MAKE him call you.  In some deep place, he wanted to. 

Good luck and remember to forgive yourself.