Five Months and Counting

[ECR]

Just want to get a sense of other people’s experience. I started counselling sessions from the second week of the grieving process until last week. It’s been heavy going but I thought I was seeing some improvements in having some better days. But since I stopped, the last week has been sliding down the steep section of the emotional rollercoaster. I’m stepping into the fifth month and it’s been a bit despairing that my grief is still so raw. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself but I need to recover for the sake of my 8 month old daughter, who has lost her mother.

[scba]

Hello,

I'm very sorry for your loss. It must be very hard to deal with your grief and pain and at the same time raising your baby girl. 

I'm sorry to tell you this, but you are very early in your journey. This sounds frightening because you may wonder how long and how more you could endure. Be assured that things will change and will evolve, however this is a slow process and the most challenging one in your life. None is prepared, let alone knows how to deal with grief. Because of this I would suggest you to keep attending your counseling sessions, if possible, because you are going to need help and a safe place to express yourself when your expectations about how grief should be don't match the way you feel. 

You are not alone in this and what you are experiencing is normal in grief. Everyone here has been were you are today. Trust you will survive. 

I'm sorry if the following sounds plainly wrong to a parent, but you need to "recover" (I use your words) for your own sake first, because this is happening to you. Grief unattended or "resolved" for someone else's shows up later in any form.

 

[kayc]

This is very common that at around six months is the hardest time (aside from initial shock) I'm so sorry it hurts so bad, it's the time when support seems to dry up, people go back to their lives and reality sets in.

Six Month Mark (separate article)

[razorclam]

I am deeply sorry for your loss. I started counseling the week after my loved one died, with a therapist who initially seemed like a good match. But she turned out to be too unprofessional, and I left her after 4 months. Nothing catastrophic -she was just too casual about privacy (conducting therapy sessions on her front porch with other patients coming and going), had terrible hours, and exorbitant cancellation fees that kicked in a week in advance (as opposed to 24 or 48 hours). What irked me the most was when, in those pre-Zoom days, we had several phone sessions while I was recovering from a broken leg, and it was clear that she was driving, washing dishes, and even grocery shopping while she was conducting them. Getting rid of her felt empowering for a few days, but I was not in good shape (at the 4-month mark), and felt like I was backsliding during the 3 months it took to find a new therapist. The new person thought that at 7 months, I was still in the early stages of grief.

[Kieron]

OMG, razorclam.  I would report that one to the state Board  of Social Work or Board of LMFT/LPCC, whichever she belongs to (assuming she does!!!) if you can muster the energy.  Totally, totally  off-the-charts unprofessional.

ECR, I'm sorry, but the other comments are on-target.  It's normal to encounter grieving "switchbacks" in which you feel like you have made progress only to backslide or return to the same territory you thought you had been over.  It can feel discouraging, but know you are not imagining that, and it is all very real and natural to go back and forth like this.

[scba]

Hello,

I'm sorry to ready about your experience. This therapist sounds so unprofessional, conducting a session when driving? That's even dangerous! Take credit for quitting and looking for a new one because in the middle of such pain is very hard to acknowledge what is wrong and go for a change. 

My therapist is much younger than me but I trust him, we even have some topics of interest in common and I have all his attention during our session. Sometimes I wonder if it is still useful now, if it worths the money. But I must trust this is still helping me because it's the only place where I speak out about my grief journey. After 7 years you are more or less on your own with it. In the early years I resented some (older) relatives who appeared to be fine and pushed the topic aside, or spoke of it metaphorically. I now understand why. Our culture forces us to stop speaking a start lying. And your grief encapsulates inside of you and when lots of time passes you are more on your own to deal with it than ever before. The """"good"""" news is that it becomes manageable and you have acquired skills to deal with its challenges.

My experience. 

Peace

Ana

[kayc]

3 hours ago, scba said:

Take credit for quitting and looking for a new one because in the middle of such pain is very hard to acknowledge what is wrong and go for a change.

Exactly!  I also had to stand up to my grief counselor and quit him, he was very inappropriate and anything BUT what his shingle on the wall said.  

[Gwenivere]

On 8/24/2021 at 5:49 AM, scba said:

The Our culture forces us to stop speaking a start lying. And your grief counselor encapsulates inside of you and when lots of time passes you are more on your own to deal with it than ever before

Your finding another counselor attests to your own strength advocating for yourself.  Any counselor knows those minutes belong 100% to you. Sounds like she was more taken with herself than her clients.  

I’ve never been one lying, but I went through the same myself.  It didn’t take long to Steve was a missed band member, the core of happy music memories, but not someone that was part of a life 24/7 with his partner.  All I can do know is speak my truth.  If some are put off, so it shall be.  No way I am going to downplay the impact this man had on me.  If people get tired of it, so be it. I’m not going to force anything on anyone, but not stop talking and feeling for others benefit..
 

 If this makes any  sense at all, I’m doing good for the medications interactions.

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m doing good for the medications interactions.

That is good to hear!