Love never perishes, it only get's stronger.

[JimJim]

Each day waking up, sometimes wishing I wouldn't, but that's another story, anyways right after my lovely wife Nancy left this physical world, my whole life fell apart right in front of me, and to be honest, I didn't care, even just to think about anything that was happening right after, I didn't care, as she was my life, and everything that was included in it, all our hopes and dreams gone in a microsecond, life just didn't seem that important anymore, as what's the point in having dreams, if they're just going to be taken away, so I began living recklessly with no point towards the future, as my direction was gone, my reasons for waking up, going to work, being responsible, all of it gone, feeling like a machine getting up each day, was only breathing, not living, just here because - not knowing why I was still here, if the one true love of my life isn't here to share it with me, then what's the point.

So I made a promise to Nancy that each day going forward I would find a project to complete on her behalf, in her honor, now we were living hand to mouth, so when she passed I couldn't even afford to bury her, so was only able to have her cremated and kept her urn with me, and I might add had no help from her only sister, as a matter of fact I only heard from Susan once after just to say she wanted some of Nancy's belongings.

So the projects that I have completed so far have been to purchase a place for her remains and for mine when that day comes, all paid for, and also arranged for a Rabbi to recite Kaddish with all of her friends in attendance, keep in mind it took me a year to do this, also had a memorial booklet made up of some of her pictures and included a bio that I mailed to all of her close friends, and just recently had a DVD made up of her life story, showing her from a baby growing up to be the woman I adored, had it set to music, this was completed by a professional, and after ordering extra copies, found that nobody, absolutely no one is wanting a copy, now I understand that time has passed and people have moved on, but this hurt deeply, I suppose it was wrong for me to think that after almost three years since she left, that she would still be a strong part of their memory, as she is in mine, from the moment I wake up each day to the time I fall asleep, and in my dreams, Nancy is all I think about, each and every second of the day, I yearn for her and want so desperately to be with her, I understand I have to wait, but it kills me each second to be without her.

I Love Nancy more than anything this planet now has to offer me, the only thing that is keeping me going is in the knowing that one day, that one special day, how I long for that day, that we will be a family again, not that were not now, but that day we will both be in the same place at the same time, and how glorious it will be, to finally finally be HOME again.

 

[kayc]

Wow, those are lofty goals indeed, not sure I could come up with one a day, sometimes all life throws at us it's hard just to survive or do what we have to do, but you are making good on this.  Sometimes I feel just making George proud of me in how I handle all the stuff life throws at me is enough, right now taking care of my sister who is very disabled, blind in one eye, going there in the other, falls easily, not taking care of herself, and worst of all dementia, stubborn to a tee...well it's a lot.  Trying to get her to hire a caregiver before this totally does me in, it's been months, she still hasn't.  Life.

I love that you're doing things to honor your wife.  It is hard realizing that their death totally upheaved our lives but no one else's.  Your last sentence...yes, when once again we hold each other, that feeling I haven't felt since the day he died will be like that on steroids.  

[Elizabethr7360]

I just have to respond to this post as it set me crying very much - I am very sorry people can be so hurtful especially when we are so hurt already.  I would love to see your DVD.  I think it’s beautiful you made it.  My own family just two months of losing John are like well now enough carrying on about this. You feel so isolated and sad. And having other people act so cold makes me almost feel like I should leave him alone too - that I’m a bother to someone not even here!!  Anyway i love what you’ve written and what you e done for your wife so much.  She would have and no doubt somewhere does.  Thank you for sharing this painful but beautiful story. 
elizabeth

[scba]

59 minutes ago, Elizabethr7360 said:

 well now enough carrying on about this. You feel so isolated and sad. And having other people act so cold makes me almost feel like I should leave him alone too - that I’m a bother to someone not even here!!  

Unfortunately that's pretty much normal reaction from outside for any kind of suffering. And that's why people who suffer stop talking. And start hiding. And start lying. I was so young and so afraid of loosing more people. I stopped talking about my boyfriend and about my grief.

People mean well, but they've no idea how to deal with suffering.

Someone told me in the early days that he would be upset to see me like that (a total mess) and I felt soooo guilty. I was hurting my dead boyfriend! I was making him unhappy, disappointed. I was keeping him here and preventing his soul to fly to Heaven and rest in peace. I wasn't able to celebrate his life and his memory. I was being selfish. 

This should never ever be said to anyone who is going through so much pain,  without the only person who we want to be with. I'm sorry you feel this way. I understand. 

 

[Elizabethr7360]

1 hour ago, scba said:

Unfortunately that's pretty much normal reaction from outside for any kind of suffering. And that's why people who suffer stop talking. And start hiding. And start lying. I was so young and so afraid of loosing more people. I stopped talking about my boyfriend and about my grief.

That’s pretty much what has happened to me the last couple days.  Made any posts about him during and after his death private on social media, blocked anyone who could even remotely hurt me, and then deactivated all accounts.  And I do feel like I’m moving from crazy anxiety outbursts of god knows what to just a classic shutdown depression.  I have a therapist.  I have a son who needs me who I’m looking after a darling cat a home to keep up with grading a billion things day by day as I teach online.  But people are too much.  It’s like he took everyone with him.  I am the only one now.  That is the thing that keeps moving through.  I don’t even ascertain any pieces to pick up.  It’s just over.  It’s helpful that you wrote what you did because you described it so well.  Hiding and lying.  Why add anymore hurt on top of hurt.  Thank you.  

[kayc]

Elizabeth, I'm sorry people's responses or lack thereof leave you wanting, unfortunately this is all too common.  People want us to be like we were for THEIR convenience, not ours.  Unfortunately, our normal is gone, changed forever, nothing ever the same again, and it takes much time to process this, let alone adjust to the changes iit means for our lives.  People want to feel good, don't want brought down by us, some act like this is contagious and flee really quick!  Some press us to "move on..."  as if!  They don't want reminded of their own mortality (if it can happen to us, it can happen to them!) preferring to be around those in the land of the living/happy.  My two best friends didn't even bother to come to my husband's funeral!  Grief rewrote my address book.  It leads to a lonely existence, all the more so since Covid isolation.  I have a sister that still has her husband, she thinks I shouldn't even go to church again in this Covid world, I told her, "Easy to say when you have your husband every day to see, talk to, do things with.  You have NO IDEA what it's like to be alone, always alone!  People aren't meant to live like this indefinitely!"

I get out & walk my dog, it helps but all around are neighbors each with THEIR SPOUSE and/or kids.  Each a reminder of what I'm missing.  It's been over 16 years for me, when it's fresh it's even worse.  I never figured on growing old alone.  A friend just served divorce papers to her husband of nearly 50 years.  I wonder what she thinks is out here that she's missing?  He doesn't beat on her, yell at her, cheat on her, he's stable, he loves her, everyone is shocked beyond comprehension.  She said she wants a husband, not a roommate.  I'm thinking, good luck.  Whatever it is, it's not that bad, see a marriage counselor.  But no, her mind is set.  No one else will have the same vested interest in their kids, grandkids, and when you're this age, well, good luck.  They spent their whole lives together.  

[kayc]

13 hours ago, scba said:

This should never ever be said to anyone who is going through so much pain

No kidding!  I'm sorry you experienced that!  

[Elizabethr7360]

I think some people just treasure themselves a lot more than others.  Covid has been horrific.  I’m glad you wrote this because an elderly woman moved in across the street in 2020 and I never baked her cookies or anything bc no one wanted to touch anything.  I’m going to buy a roast chicken later for my cat 😂 at a nice place that sells really pretty orchids.  I shall buy her one as a late welcome.  My own mother put her husband in a nursing home bc she couldn’t cope with him - left it all up to his kids and has me send him things.  It’s just ridiculous.  She said she thought of going to confession but hadn’t done anything wrong lately - 😂😂😂 - I’m like let me run compile a list that begins with elder abuse.  But really some people are truly blind to the hurt of others even those they’ve directly wounded.  It’s an eye-opener, grief.  
elizabeth

[JimJim]

Normal is something that no longer exists now, use to believe that life was fair, sure we had our issues with all the ups and downs, but at least we were facing them together, so everything still held promise, now today is just like yesterday, and tomorrow will be just like today, going through the motions of living, but really are only existing, the life Nancy gave to me, all the feelings inside I thought were mine, in reality were a combination of the two of us, working through life together, the safety and comfort were only there cause I knew at the beginning and end of each day, I was Loved by the only person in this world, for which it truly mattered, whenever out and about and I see a couple shopping and holding hands, I feel so envious, but happy for them, as they share the most priceless feeling in the world, the safety of Love!! 

Nancy's sister stopped communicating with me after I informed her that I would be holding onto Nancy's belongings, things of value she said belonged in the family, told her last time I checked, I am Nancy's family, told her after I leave it's all hers, monetary value holds nothing for me, it's just these things were important to her, therefore making them important for me, when my love left this world, her only sister called me only once, never to ask what arrangements I had made or where would Nancy be taken too, and during that one conversation, she advised me not to worry as I would be finding someone else soon, couldn't believe she told me that, I quickly ended the call, as mentioned I took care of things, and there is now a place for her and me when the time comes for me to say goodbye, which if happened today or tomorrow, wouldn't be too soon for me. 

And yes I also find that when in a conversation with family or friends, and I will begin talking of Nancy, it's as if they don't hear me and they will quickly change the subject, maybe my life doesn't exist in their world, but in mine, it's the most cherished thing I own, the memories of the most beautiful woman in the world to me, 1am and Nancy is calling me from the bedroom to ask if I could bring her a cookie, I Love her so much, and that my dear friends will never end ♥ 

[Gwenivere]

16 hours ago, kayc said:

I told her, "Easy to say when you have your husband every day to see, talk to, do things with.  You have NO IDEA what it's like to be alone, always alone!  People aren't meant to live like this indefinitely

As has been discussed here so many times, this is one of the most frustrating parts of being alone now.  I don’t know what people think it’s supposed to be like.  That’s the problem.  They don’t.  Occasional visits from or to people don’t fill that huge void of being really connected that makes life......life.  Coming home to a silent house.  Not being able to share things we saw or did.  Definitely not doing the things we did together like meals or activities.  Even chores are all different or worse, not needed.  I wasn’t fond of laundry, but I sure miss washing OUR stuff.  Trash takes twice as long or more to need emptying.  It’s little things that grind it in as well as the obvious.  Always poking at us.

16 hours ago, kayc said:

Whatever it is, it's not that bad, see a marriage counselor.  But no, her mind is set.  No one else will have the same vested interest in their kids, grandkids, and when you're this age, well, good luck.  They spent their whole lives together.  

This is a situation I could never judge.  It very much mirrors what we don’t like people doing to our grief.  We don’t know what was going on between these people when they were/are alone.  50 years is a long time, but doesn’t mean it was good. It sounds sad, but it might free her, it might mean being content.  It also doesn’t mean he won’t still have the same vested interest in their offspring.  So many details are in play in a relationship we are not privy to.  

[kayc]

I had to tell my son about it, he also was stunned by it, this is it, it wasn't a BAD marriage, it lacked the bells and whistles.  But how many bells and whistles do you think you'll run into at this age?  A person is lucky to get a good man.  She wants someone who will be romantic.  Where do you find that person?  I'm not judging her, just don't think it highly realistic.  And nothing will ever be the same with their kids, trust me, been there.  Kids are affected, no matter how old they are.  I will not judge her or cast her off as her whole church is doing, I told her she'll be welcome in mine, and I'll be there for her should she choose to live here, right now she's in ID at friends, not sure what she'll do.  I don't think she sees the whole picture but how can one until they've been through it?  I would that everyone would have a George, he was so right for me, we connected on every level, but do I expect to find another George at my age?  No.  There's only one of him.  I wish them both the best and hope both of them are happy eventually but it's not what I've seen usually happens.

 

[JimJim]

Like the old saying goes, The Grass is always greener over the septic tank, now when in a relationship that is toxic, then by all means run away as fast as possible, but like in any relationship, if missing something, this too can bring a sense of loss, but as long as both are willing to work on it, this can be overcomed and fixed, it's an amazing thing how time in this situation does work, many times Nancy and I had our issues where we thought of walking away, but we stayed and in time our issues healed, and in the finale we would look at each other and know we are meant to be, she told me once Jim thanks for staying, and I kissed her and told her thanks for letting me. 

Are not judging or saying that all marriages can be saved, only that be sure of what your seeking, you just might find it, and sometimes the illusion is better than the reality. 

Good luck to her and the family, will need much support, but seems like she's found a fountain of support in you, what you and George shared is priceless, just as Nancy and myself, and it's unfortunate that not all get to experience the same joy of finding that one Soulmate that COMPLETES you, best of wishes!!

[Elizabethr7360]

Well, I brought her the flowers and she is a lovely woman with a 3 month old tuxedo kitten who I got to play with using John’s bracelet.  Thank you to this group for helping me see outside myself!

[kayc]

On 10/26/2021 at 8:09 AM, JimJim said:

The Grass is always greener over the septic tank

Haha, I love that!  

 

On 10/26/2021 at 8:09 AM, JimJim said:

sometimes the illusion is better than the reality. 

Absolutely!  After being alone for 16 years, I have a whole different perspective on it than she does.  I also realize there's not the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, marriage takes work.  I was damned lucky with George, but even so, it took a lot of effort on both of our parts!

On 10/26/2021 at 9:06 AM, Elizabethr7360 said:

I brought her the flowers and she is a lovely woman

That is so beautiful and bless your heart for thinking of her!  Sometimes the best medicine is getting outside of ourselves and doing for someone else.

[JimJim]

100% agree that your partner in life, the one that knows you better than anyone else, and yet still loves you unconditionally, as with all faults, there's also your merits, as with all things, we change over time, hardly are we ever the same person after 20 plus years, however with your true Soulmate, the person you were is always what we see, sure maybe you tame off somewhat, get a little easier around the edges, but are always still you, when you have the honor of getting gray with the one you adore, is there anything better in the world. 

When I lost my Nancy 3 years ago, my life fell apart, the world stopped turning for me, everyone's else's kept going and I couldn't understand why theirs continued, to me the world should have stopped spinning with someone giving me an answer why, why did my Nancy have to leave, she never hurt a soul, so why did life have to hurt her, why couldn't I have gone instead in her place, and ya know I still ask the same question, time goes by, but it might as well be 3 years ago still, time has changed nothing, just more days gone by without the love of my life, the reason of my existence.

The day will come for me to go to her in the spiritual realm, and what a joyous day that will be, a day of rebirth, as I know my life started the day I met her Dec 3 1994 and ended the day she left, so a rebirth will happen over again, and will finally be HOME. 

[Elizabethr7360]

I love you talk about her as home, Jim.  Talking Heads has that great song This must be the place.  (Home) in my best moments I think of John as part of a universe that cradles the earth and me with it.  It’s hard to get myself up to speed with the level of work I’m meant to be doing, but I have noticed I have less tolerance for pretense - I just say a thing now.  I’d I’m hurt by something I just state it.  It’s funny how the last straw - like it means you can openly love the person you love and also just be like well whatever this whatever (mustn’t curse) about the rest.  I hope we find our soulmates when we are allowed to lie down and rest.  I really do.  I know how earnest you are and I live there too. I almost feel like now it’s about being so gentle I’m allowed to meet this most gentle man in my life again in whatever form.  Sleep well.  It’s utterly heartbreaking.  xxx Elizabeth

[V. R.]

On 10/27/2021 at 10:20 PM, JimJim said:

100% agree that your partner in life, the one that knows you better than anyone else, and yet still loves you unconditionally, as with all faults, there's also your merits, as with all things, we change over time, hardly are we ever the same person after 20 plus years, however with your true Soulmate, the person you were is always what we see, sure maybe you tame off somewhat, get a little easier around the edges, but are always still you, when you have the honor of getting gray with the one you adore, is there anything better in the world. 

When I lost my Nancy 3 years ago, my life fell apart, the world stopped turning for me, everyone's else's kept going and I couldn't understand why theirs continued, to me the world should have stopped spinning with someone giving me an answer why, why did my Nancy have to leave, she never hurt a soul, so why did life have to hurt her, why couldn't I have gone instead in her place, and ya know I still ask the same question, time goes by, but it might as well be 3 years ago still, time has changed nothing, just more days gone by without the love of my life, the reason of my existence.

The day will come for me to go to her in the spiritual realm, and what a joyous day that will be, a day of rebirth, as I know my life started the day I met her Dec 3 1994 and ended the day she left, so a rebirth will happen over again, and will finally be HOME. 

I was just reading these other topics (I joined a week ago) and I was really touched by your post. I  lost my soulmate in Nov 2020 and we also had met in 1994(Nov!!!). Earlier in August we had celebrated our 25th wedd. Anniv., and now he I'm here still not believing he has gone. In a matter of minutes a heart attack (which seemed like a bad case of indigestion) took him away from us. Even now while I write these words I feel like I'm writing nonsense, as if I'm living a life that's not mine, as if I'm trapped in a nightmare and none of this is true, we are all acting a part, I really find it hard to find the correct words to describe this deep suffering of mine and everyday is worse than the previous. I feel as if this is all wrong, it wasn't meant to be, we were supposed to grow old together. 

JimJim, I hope you too find a little comfort sharing your grief in this forum. I would dedicate to us Carole King's beautiful song "You've got a friend", which I also dedicate to my lost love because he was my everything, also my best friend.

 

 

 

 

[bunflo]

On 8/25/2021 at 1:37 PM, kayc said:

taking care of my sister who is very disabled, blind in one eye, going there in the other, falls easily, not taking care of herself, and worst of all dementia, stubborn to a tee...well it's a lot.  Trying to get her to hire a caregiver before this totally does me in, it's been months, she still hasn't.  Life.

😮‍💨❤️🫂 I hope this situation changes for you ASAP.