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My Mother is Dying and My Father is in Denial


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Hello,

My 87 year old mother is in hospice care five hours south of me steadily declining from heart failure. She is in an assisted living facility that is partnering with hospice. My 88 year old father with mild dementia visits her a couple hours each day. He thinks she will be coming home. My brother is there and he lives further away than I do. He has a more open schedule as he is currently unemployed. I am glad he is there.

I am anticipating the grief of losing my mother but also that of my father. I have mourned the loss of my father for a long  time as he is an alcoholic and the drink comes first. My mother's loss will sting, but I think I will feel a mix of profound relief and sadness when my dad goes.

My brother is also an alcoholic and that has been a challenge too. There has been grieving there as well.

 

In all the upheaval, I remember that my first priority is my family where I live. My friends are precious to me too. As I anticipate the loss of my mother, can foresee the death of my father, and hope to do as well as possible with my brother, I welcome your thoughts.

 

Best to you.

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Wow, that is a lot you are going through, sometimes so much focus is on the other one that we forget or shove aside what it's causing US to go through, so I'm glad you are aware and trying to keep priorities, but dang if it's not hard!  I've been taking care of my severely disabled sister (blind in one eye, going there in another, falls a lot, doesn't take care of herself, lost her husband of 50 years nearly a year ago), her dementia is getting bad and she's uncooperative/extremely stubborn and has no common sense.  It's taken it's toll on my body with my blood pressure and blood sugar (I'm diabetic) both which I work hard at controlling.

My dad was an alcoholic so I understand the challenges all too well, mine's been gone for 39 years now.

8 hours ago, TReese said:

In all the upheaval, I remember that my first priority is my family where I live. My friends are precious to me too.

Never lose sight of this even with all else going on.  I'm just so sorry you're going through so much.  It does help to express yourself with others that get it and understand, sometimes friends or family doesn't get it if they haven't experienced it, even though they may care greatly, so I'm grateful for forums like this!

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning
Anticipatory Grief and Mourning: Suggested Resources

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Thanks much for the thoughtful reply and resources. My mother seems to be getting closer and closer to her death now. My brother is getting stressed out and reactive. My father will assuredly drink heavily in the aftermath of my mother's passing. I will probably need to go down soon. Please keep my family in your thoughts. I am thankful for this forum.

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You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers, nothing about this is easy, for sure.  Sending you hugs and thoughts of comfort. :wub:

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Thanks much for the thoughtful reply and resources. My mother seems to be getting closer and closer to her death now. My brother is getting stressed out and reactive. My father will assuredly drink heavily in the aftermath of my mother's passing. I will probably need to go down soon. Please keep my family in your thoughts. I am thankful for this forum.

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Hello dear folks,

I accidentally submitted my last entry again. Sorry about that.

I will continue to seek out this forum and site for help and solace in the coming months. 

It helps to read what other people have to say and share my family situation.

 

Thank you.

 

 

 

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My worn out brain didn't realize it was a double post as it was a day in between when I read it, that shows how bad my brain is right now!  You definately have my thoughts and prayers.

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Hello dear forum,

My mother is now actively dying so we are headed down to help care for her and administer morphine as needed. I am saying the serenity prayer a lot.

My brother is taking care of my mom. The staff at the facility are wonderful. But no nurses on eves or weekends as it is assisted living. Family and friends administer the morphine then.

My very elderly (almost 89) father is paranoid and spiralling down. He is an alcoholic. Police and Adult Protective Services keep an eye on him. 

Thank you again for prayers and wisdom as we work through this hard hard time one hour at a time.

 

 

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Wow, assisted living doesn't have medical help on hand on the weekends?!  Wow!  What if they don't have family like yours does!  You're all in my prayers, I know this is hard, taking it a day/hour at a time is the only way I know to get through this, I'm so sorry.  

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Is your mother on a hospice service? A referral to hospice can keep residents in an assisted living facility for end-of-life care, with skilled medical/psychosocial care and supplemental personal care provided by the hospice team. Residents remain in familiar surroundings, with hospice providing comfort-focused care, equipment, and supplies to address the hospice diagnosis, while the ALF continues to provide non-hospice-related services.

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Hello again,

 

Your concern and care touch me so much.

 

My mother does have medical care but in the state we are in only RNs and LPNs can administer morphine besides family members and friends. In the eves and on the weekends there are no RNs or LPNs so besides our small team, I am hiring a nurse to help when needed.

 

But now that I am here I can tell my precious mother is near the end of her journey. It could be any time. Please keep us in your prayers.

 

I will continue to use the forum for comfort and the wisdom of others.

 

Thank you.

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I would think hospice could provide morphine, that's very strange.  You have my prayers, I know this journey can be hard, but also a special time you will never forget your time with her.

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Thanks much for your thoughts and prayers. Mom died this afternoon and it was peaceful. Dad was holding her hand.

 

They were married 68 years.

 

God willing his end will be peaceful too.

 

 

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I am sorry for your loss, I know it comes with multiple feelings.  You are in my thoughts and prayers as you begin to try to adjust to what is next for you and your family.  :wub:

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Definitely, I will pray for him, I know my own (alcoholic) father would have been very lost without my mom, he went 32 years before her though so he was lucky.  My mom was stronger than him, I think.  How are YOU doing with all that's going on?

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Hello there,

 

I am doing okay. Family and friends are very happy my mother met with such a peaceful end. She had no pain. A music therapist from hospice sang heartfelt songs to my mom an hour before she died.

Dad continues a steady downward spiral. Authorities and friends keep an eye on him.

 

Lots of prayer and friendly connections help.

 

Very best.

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That is so special, my mom went in her sleep, early am, so did my dad, it's comforting to know they went peaceably.  I'm glad people are keeping an eye out for your dad.

Take good care of YOU.

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Hello there,

 

Now I am back home and back at work and it all feels surreal.

I know I will always grieve my mother. Right now it is hard because I know something serious is going to happen to my father sooner than later. AlAnon and living an hour at a time help.

I am also going to join a bereavement support group here. Reaching out, like this forum, sustains me.

Kay and Marty, you are so very kind. Thank you. I will continue to seek solace here.

Very best.

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I hope you're able to do your job, this is pretty soon.  :wub:

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I'm so glad you have support at work!  I had a very supportive work environment when my husband died, but within months my job was gone (recession), it sold to another company and was moved 1 1/2+ hours away.  The next job I got was NOT supportive, I liked what I did but not the environment.  It makes all the difference in the world to be around caring people! 

Yes it's a good distraction if nothing else.

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Hello again dear forum,

Thanks much for all your kind prayers since the loss of my mother.

My father may not have very long. He thought mom would get better.  He turns 89 shortly and was married to her for 68 years. 

Do you have resources on the widowhood effect or could you reference previous discussions?

I have friends and coworkers who have very elderly parents that died within months of each other. Overwhelming.

Best to you.

 

 

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