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My girlfriend broke up with me after 5 days of her grandmother passing.


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I'd like to start by thanking Marty for allowing me to post here and by saying that at the time her grandmother passed this forum was the only place that got it right as much as I didn't believe it.

I've known her for 3 years and we were together for 5 months which I know may not seem like a long time - but I loved and still love this girl with all my heart.

We started the relationship with her leaving a relationship with her abusive ex and his family (I know the relationship was abusive because I saw the things they were saying to her and I was the one who told her she cried for an hour on the phone to me when I told her it was abusive). We decided before we were together that she would have a few months to heal because we were serious about eachother before it all started - it didn't work out like that because she needed me to be there for her and I wanted to be there for her. She told me at the start she felt very broken and I told her that I would be there for her no matter what and I always was - we both had scars and we agreed that scars or not we would make it work.

Things were going well but it went from one thing after another - she landed a very good job and on a night out we ran into her boss who did nothing but glare at me for the hour he was there - we both noticed it and decided to walk out. He later made up lies about me that I was violent with my previous girlfriend amongst other things. Her boss carried on with these innapropriate and creepy behaviours - she went to HR and they did nothing because small company everyone knows eachother and she was the new girl. I had never seen her mental health in a worse state until it got too much for her and she quit. I was there for her as I always was and I took a day off work when she quit and spent the day with her.

I then got my own house - hooray we can finally spend as much time together as we wanted. She helped me move in and stayed for a few nights. During one of the nights my friend congratulated HER on the house which freaked her out massively. I told her the truth as I always did: I told my friend he was aware she wasn't moving in and it was way too early - to which he said he knew he just wanted to make her feel at home which was something I was trying to do during the whole moving process. She called my house before I moved in her "second home" and even bought me presents for the house and was talking about what stuff she wanted to move there as she wanted to spend a lot of time here. She then admitted to me that helping me move in brought back bad memories of when she moved in with her ex. I told her that I would want her to move in eventually if she liked but for the time being we can take it slow and enjoy eachothers company. She told me that she wanted to take it easy and only spend a night a week at my house (we were previously spending 3-4 nights a week together).

Somewhere inbetween her quitting her job and me getting the house she started to become less affectionate - she still was but not as much as before. I obviously noticed and brought it up with her and she told me nothing had changed - Her counsellor which she had through her job and had lost due to quitting the job told her she had an avoidant detatchment. I had got her to open up with me and was making such good progress but somewhere along the lines she closed up.

She then got a new job and on the first week of the new job she called me unable to speak in tears, she cried for 5 minutes before she could even get a word out and she told me her grandmother passed away - her grandmother had dementia and she was avoiding seeing her due to the pain it was causing her. I was the first person she called she didn't even speak to her family she called me straight away.

I couldn't comfort her over the phone there was just so much grief - I told her to not bottle it and if she wanted to come over she I would be there for her. She text me later that night saying that she felt numb and her regrets of not even saying goodbye. I wanted to be there physically and just hold her and be her shoulder to cry on as I always had before. I told her I was coming over, It was 3AM and she told me to not make a fuss and even though she was speaking to me about it didn't mean she needed me right there (she apologised in the same text for the way it came across). So I stayed up untill 4:30AM just talking to her.

I then tried to see her the next day and she wouldn't let me come round to see her - so I told her I understand and after some silence I told her that I know she needed space and I would be there for her when she needed me. 2 days passed and I heard nothing - I was anxious the person I loved the most in my life was hurting and I couldn't even sit and hold her. I sent her another text saying that I know she needed time and I would wait as long as it took but all I wanted to do was be there for her - she told me she just needed time.

3 days and I hear nothing from her, I had just got home from furniture shopping when I get a text from her pop up on my phone, I thought it would be her asking me to come round and be her shoulder to cry on - she told me that she thought it was time for her to tell me what she had been thinking and that she wasn't ready for a committed relationship with anyone right now and that she just needed to focus on herself and her family she said she knew I said I would wait her but she didn't know how long it would take and that when she was ready she would still like to be friends.

I lost it - I tried to call her but she wouldn't answer, I asked her to please talk with me and she asked me why I couldn't accept her decision. I was hurt, angry and confused and in that haze I told her after 2 hours of receiving that text that I would dropping off her stuff from my house, she told me her friend was there for her and I could pass her stuff to her friend. I responded with laughing emojis and she told me there was no need to be bitter. I told her I wasn't bitter but but she can see the irony in that. I left her stuff outside and sent her one last text saying that all she had done is pushed me away and how much I loved her and wanted to be there for her - I told her it was the last time she heard from me.

 

I went away and thought about what I did and I realised what I had done - I sent her a text 5 days later after the breakup and told her I was sorry for the way I acted and that I was hurt and angry and didn't know how to process it all and if she still wanted to be friends when she was ready then that was fine. She replied "that's cool" which may be a bit ambigious but hey at least it's a response.

 

I haven't spoken to her since and from reading this forum prior to her breaking up with me I don't think there's much possibility of her coming back, I know I can't reach out to her with her being an avoidant and with her telling me she needs time but I still love her - I don't think I ever won't love her - she believed in me when I was nothing and I had grown so much in the time I had known her all I wanted from her was to be with her.

I'm starting to move to the acceptance stage of my grief but I cannot accept that she's not coming back - our relationship was good and I'm telling myself it was the right person at the wrong time.

 

This is the only forum that got it right that she would break up with me and I'm very glad this forum exists as it softened the blow a little - it's the only place I've posted in full about what has happened and if anyone is able to give their 2 cents on wether she is coming back or if I've missed anything and it was just me then I would very much appreciate it. Thank you.

 

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I am very sorry for your loss, for this IS a loss even though not to death, it's a huge loss, one that affects your everyday existence.  I fully understand your feelings, who of us would not feel the same.  Yes you didn't take the news perfectly, but who among us is perfect!  We are human and flawed by our emotions, as we mature we learn not to let our emotions control our responses and think with our head...I must not be mature yet because I'm not 100% there although still working on it...I'm 69 this week. ;)

Not everyone responds to grief in this way, although my ex-fiance did.  Here is my story:  Here I Go Again  I prefer to be with someone who goes through thick and thin, not breaks up with me when things get tough because guaranteed, life gets tough for each of us at some point, grief, loss of job, financial struggles, betrayal, medical news, you name it.  It's eleven years later and he's back with his XW, we're friends, that's it, we did have a period of no contact which he needed for processing his grief and I needed for healing and clarity.  Regardless of how things turn out on down the road, it is GOOD to have no contact right now as it lets your mind clear a bit from such intense emotion so you can see with clarity and that is very important for you going forward.  Me, I've been alone for years and will continue unless God brings the right one into my life...not looking for that to happen but one never knows so I don't rule it out either.  I had a friend who married at 84 and it was the happiest she'd ever been, they have both since passed but I'm so glad they got that time together, so maybe there's hope for even me!  :D

You apologized to her, that's all you can do, no need to grovel or repeat, one thing no contact will do is show her that you RESPECT her choice and space, even though it's not YOUR preference.  That in itself will say a lot to her.

Meanwhile, try not to overly dwell on this, I know that's hard, that's why it's good to keep yourself busy, spend time around family/friends that are POSITIVE in your life, see sights, enjoy hobbies, take a class, sign up for the gym, work on yourself.  Volunteering can be a good way of getting out of yourself.  

I wrote this article ten years after losing my husband (16+ years ago now) so it was written with that in mind, and while there are differences, there are also similarities, grief is grief, but it's not a cookie cutter guide, it's merely options to consider now or on down the road as this IS an evo

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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Sometimes, people are in a situation where they just don't have anything to give. Maybe they're young and haven't suffered a big loss before, and this is too much to process. Maybe they lack maturity. In my opinion, the sooner you find out, the better.

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Thank you to both of you, I have read your story Kayc and I'm doing my best to keep busy - I started a course to further my education and I've got a few job interviews with a pay increase coming up this week. One of the best pieces of advise that I was given was that if she does come back my life cannot have stood still - I move forward even though it feels like trudging through mud.

I've been focusing on myself but she is on my mind 95% of the time.

One thing that has been swimming around in my head and it changes from day to day is when or if I should approach her later down the line. I want her back but I don't think she will come back on her own due to her avoidant attachment issue - I think even if it was driving her crazy and she missed me she would not have the courage to tell me.

I hover between just thinking I will leave her alone entirely and if she doesn't reach out then I have my answer and then some days I think maybe I will reach out 3-6 months later down the line - but I have said everything I can say her for the time being and I know she will be on my mind less and less but for the time being she's the only thing I think about.

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If you do reach out later on down the road, it cannot be for the purpose of getting her back, of all of the breakups written about here I do not recall a one that ended in a redeemed relationship.  And I've read/responded to each.  In one I thought someone had made it but they messaged me that it had not.  The one reason I say this is if one person reaches out with the intent in mind of getting back together, and the other not, it can too easily result in a manipulation of a sort and that never works satisfactorily.

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Thank you kayc, I will heed your advice and maybe consider contacting her further down the line but for the time being I will leave her to grieve as it is what's best for her. Me thinking of contacting her at this point would only be to get her back so I will just carry on with my life the best I can.

I've been journaling my thoughts and I've come to the realisation that fate brought us together and we helped eachother so much over the years we've known eachother but the timing for our relationship was wrong. I've realised that not having the transition period between her ex and all the issues that came after had their impact on me but I soldiered on because of my love for her - I'm really starting to accept that ending the relationship at this time was the best for both of us as throughout the relationship I kept telling myself that once this issue is fixed it will be peaceful and we can just be together but it never happened that way.

I really do believe it was just the right person at the wrong time, or we just needed eachother during this stage of our lives and that purpose is complete. If fate sees that we are back together then it will happen. I apologised at my reaction to the breakup and I meant it I've told her that if she would like to be friends later down the line then that would be OK - it's her decision to make and hounding her will do no good.

Don't cry because it's over smile because it happened.

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18 hours ago, scorpionprovisions said:

we just needed eachother during this stage of our lives and that purpose is complete.

That's kind of what I concluded about my ex-fiance, we did end up great friends but I realized after we had resumed contact that I couldn't count on anything he said because he didn't know his own mind!   He is a friend all these years later, and I acquired his XW too, LOL!  Life is strange sometimes.

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On 10/4/2021 at 1:08 PM, scorpionprovisions said:

but the timing for our relationship was wrong.

I was pretty young the first time I fell really hard for someone. A couple months later we were at different schools and even being young we knew enough not to make promises we couldn't keep. A few years go by - every time I'm single he's got a girlfriend, and vice versa. We never did get together again. 

Fast forward thirty years, I think I was already widowed, add in Facebook - and we 'friend' one another. He's married, but 'it's complicated.' within  *weeks* he's got a different girlfriend and they're all doing the lovey-dovey posting to one another on Facebook. Come to find out he's got five children from almost as many women. He asked the new girl to marry him, and in a year or so, they broke up. One of my Sunday school teachers told me that God answers all prayers, but sometimes the answer is no. But there is a song, "I thank God for Unanswered Prayers." I think that kind of applies to my situation. 

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Oh man, do I get that!  That's a good song/message!

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I can't sleep today, I had one of my job interviews and they more or less told me that I had got the job, extra money better job - I'm really happy for myself but I can't help but think of her.

For a bit of extra context, around this time last year I was in a very bad state.. I don't like admitting it to anyone and I never even told her but I was suicidal, chronically depressed and just hated myself I had absoloutley no self esteem - looking back I don't even know how I got out of bed at all. I was going to quit my job because I couldn't take life anymore. She talked me out of quitting and persuaded me to go to the doctors and start taking medication, my life turned around, I finally realised that I could do it and she believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself, when I was at my worst point she was there and I know it was in me all along to see my worth and be confident and proud of myself but her belief in me pushed me to be so much more than I ever thought was possible, I became the person I wanted to be. She was there for me and I was always there for her, I mean it when I say I would've gone through hell and back if she asked me to.

It hurts me that I can't call her and tell her how well it went, that I can't hear her happiness and see her smile, come home and hug her and share the moment together. I'm thinking about how happy she was when I called her and tried to fool her into thinking I didn't get the house but she saw right through it. I miss her so much, I'm keeping myself so so busy and it's been 3 weeks today but I still feel numb without her, I just want to be there for her like I promised I always would be and I always was but she doesn't want me there.. and I accept that but it breaks my heart.

I'm still going to leave her alone to grieve and I'm telling myself if she feels the same about me then she will be coming back but one day at a time I guess..

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Maybe there's another thing to consider. This relationship got you ready for the next step, whatever that may be.

My first, serious long term relationship was more bad than good, looking back. We moved waaaay too quickly. He proposed, we moved in together.  He called off the engagement, then he asked me to move out. The relationship limped along for another year or so. I finally got up the guts to ask, hey, were we ever going to move forward, get engaged, and get married. The answer was an unequivocal "no." The reason, he told me, is that he couldn't make a lifetime commitment to a woman so immoral she'd live with someone without marriage. 

I reminded him that before we moved in, he'd said he could never marry someone he hadn't lived with. He said, "I changed my mind." 

A couple years later, I married a lovely man who sadly was an alcoholic. We had a lot of good years, and a few bleak ones toward the end when the booze was getting the better of him. He died from lung cancer.

Three years later, I had met my current partner. He is a blessing. He lead me back to my Christian faith. (Death of husband was the start of that journey I guess)

Maybe my life would have been different if I'd dumped #1 sooner. I'd have met someone else? Maybe someone better? But maybe not my husband. And if I had left my husband, I may have found another partner. But not my current one, because he was married and living across the country. He and his wife divorced just a couple years before my husband died. 

I don't know. That's how I'm thinking about things, today.

 

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Congratulations on the job!!!  And I'm so glad that you see it...that YOU were worthy and of value, all along, and you didn't act on your suicidal feelings.  The thought occurs unbidden to us sometimes when we're at our lowest, I know it did with me when I lost my sweet husband (to death) all too young and unexpectedly, until I finally realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I knew I had to if I were to live.  I learned to take one day at a time and not bite off more than I can deal with at once, sometimes life has a way of slamming us, so I break it down into what I can handle TODAY and then proceed with it.  

I know how affirming it can be to share our good news with someone we love, to tell our deepest fears to them also, and bolster each other...I haven't had that for over 16 years, I've learned to rely on myself and have just me, and that's okay.  It wasn't my preference to be alone and I hope one day you will have someone by your side, it seems life has more meaning when shared.  I share my life with my puppy, and that is incentive to keep me going/trying.  I also know the master of the universe sees value in me and sometimes that has to carry me.

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16 hours ago, ipswitch said:

Maybe there's another thing to consider. This relationship got you ready for the next step, whatever that may be.

I full agree, focusing on myself is the best thing I can do right now, I'm still stuck in my own head when I get home from work but she's not lingering on my every thought as she was before, she's still there but it's almost as if she's quieter - if that makes sense?

In my thoughts I have accepted that I'm not yet ready to move on although I feel less pain now, I also have considered the possibility of her falling into one of the cycles you mentioned and I've told myself that if she is the girl I thought she was then she won't do that - and if she does she's either learned nothing or she wasn't the girl I fell in love with.

@kayc Thank you!! I told myself at the start of the breakup that I would not undo all the good things she had done for me out of anger and I've stuck to it and I very much feel this on a personal level:

3 hours ago, kayc said:

until I finally realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I knew I had to if I were to live.

 

I know in my mind that it's unhealthy to need her affirmation and I know I need to work on giving this to myself. I am proud of myself for this past week, I feel really strong in my thoughts and decisions, I was falling back into being anxious before and was withdrawing quite a lot but I've pulled myself together - I still miss her but I grieve for her alone rather than where everyone can see, I just hope she's doing better..

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@scorpionprovisions It sounds like you're doing positives for yourself in a healthy way and that is good.  Keep us posted on how you're doing!  Expect ups and downs with this, and try not to look at the downs as a setback but rather a part of the overall process of going forward, you will make it through this with good clarity and having learned through the experience, when all is said and done..

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Alright so my success was short lived, my grandfather had a severe stroke this morning and has a blood clot on his brain, the doctors say he might not make it and the next 48 hours is critical.

I feel so confused, I'm numb and I don't have any energy what so ever and now I'm back in the same frame of my mind when she first dumped me because I'm empathising with how she felt.

I held back the urge to text or call her but I don't think I can do this anymore I've been lying to myself by saying I'm not waiting for her. I am waiting for her but I'm doing stuff with my life so if she came back I would have done something and grown.

I don't know why I feel this way why is she back on my mind when my grandfather might pass why do I think about trying to get her back when I might lose him I don't feel like my thoughts are right and I don't know what to do and now it's all come back to the surface I feel so conflicted.

I need to finish 70% of my course module by Monday because I've got another interview that's relevant to my course that is better than the job that accepted me but I don't think I can do it, I need to prepare for my interview and learn two more pieces of the job requirements. I feel so lost I don't know what to do...

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16 hours ago, scorpionprovisions said:

why do I think about trying to get her back when I might lose him

You are relating to her now, it's natural to want someone that would understand what we're going through without having to explain it, none of us are cut out to be solitary creatures esp. when going through something so hard.  I'm sorry about your grandfather.  I hope you can do this (course) and finish, it'd make your grandfather proud and happy.  Sometimes life's timing sucks.  Loss always sucks.  Do your best with the interview, it's all you can do.  I'll be praying for you!  Sending you hugs from Oregon.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thought I'd post a bit of an update, I saw my grandfather on Saturday, it's worse than what I thought, I'm not going to go into detail about his condition but I'm struggling with it all but I'm trying my best.

I've realised that I can't hang on to this idea of her coming back anymore and I'm starting to try and accept that she's gone as much as I'd like to be the one that makes it I know all of the odds are against it and I just need to accept it's over and move on, I feel like I'm starting a new stage of my healing if not starting over.

There is no scenario where I should reach out to her, backing off and accepting her decision is the best thing I can do for both of us..

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I'm sorry not only she's going through this, but that you are too now, we'd never wish this on anyone.  Sending you much love & hugs!

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