Exes and ohs

[Elizabethr7360]

So here’s a thing - does anyone else have to work with a lover’s ex when he dies?  This is ridiculous.  I can’t just block her because he had three children too and the eldest reaches out a lot so if I block mom who says very dismantling things to me how do I not hurt him by upsetting his daughter more??  Quandary!  Mainly because I forgot to take the temazepam and have been up Since two in the morning.  I need peace on this one. Not sure how to do it because I’m also incredibly bereft and miss him.  But I don’t want to know all about the things I didn’t know NOW.  This just hurts.  

[Elizabethr7360]

Obviously the adult thing to do is to just say.  It does feel like all this stuff happening to you when you weren’t asking to be a jerk to people!!!!

[kayc]

Without knowing more specifics I can't answer this effective as I'm not exactly sure what you're speaking of other than you have contact with his ex and she is telling you things you didn't want to know/hear?  I'd probably address the things she says at the time because it loses oomph if you wait until later, like you're saving it up or something.  Always most effective in the moment.  However, sometimes it doesn't give us a chance to think of what to say when we're caught off guard by it!   Maybe say something like, "That's between you and him, I don't need to know it, my plate is full right now." 

I'm sorry you're going through this, hard enough w/o dealing with an ex!  Remember to take the high road and not sink to her level and not let her get under your craw, be the mature adult and never saying anything around/to the child about it (kids don't need adult issues).  Just what you need, huh!!

[Elizabethr7360]

Absolutely would never say anything against his daughter’s mum to her.  She’s got enough to cope with!  I’ve told his exwife before “I really don’t want to know this and this wasn’t something that happened during my time with him and isn’t any of my business given he didn’t choose to share it.”  I think she’s still angry as he split with her many years ago to be with me and this is an attempt to try to take down our love a bit.  It’s complicated by the fact I knew his kids and the eldest has been leaning on me some.  They’re not in a good situation but there’s very little I can do if anything at all except be kind a stretch then bow out gracefully.  She was having a go at me yesterday for having had a chance to see him in the hospital but the children didn’t.  But that had nothing to do with me.  So it is just another guilt trip.  He chose not to have them visit towards the end because he was too weak and thought it would be better to see them when he was stronger.  She’s very upset by that and it comes into the conversation a lot as something I should be at fault for so I finally just told her yesterday that I felt this hurt around that was part of the bargaining process of grief, like “if only I had seen him once more and said goodbye, I would feel better and be okay” and I said it really would just be another thing if it wasn’t that.  I said she was kind to him to respect his wishes.  Then talked about getting the kids grief counseling again and parked it there.  I think that set her back as she has stayed away since.  There’s just a lot of hurt to go around.  I was at my wit’s end posting the above as I’d forgotten the sleep sedative and was shaky yesterday and sifting through the more ridiculous things I’ve been made privy to.  Goes with the territory. If it doesn’t stop, I’ll just have to end all contact cuz it’s too much to carry with what I already feel.  A good night’s sleep has helped a good deal today.  Thank you for trying to make sense of my rant 😅

[kayc]

All you can do is tell her, "That wasn't anything I had control of."  It sounds like you have to spew your words back to her again and again, rinse, repeat as necessary.  Some people don't get it because they don't WANT to get it!  

19 hours ago, Elizabethr7360 said:

I think that set her back as she has stayed away since.

Isn't that a good thing?

I understand about sleeping pills...

You're right to focus on YOU right now, this is still early grief and you have your hands full w/o having to deal with her.  (((hugs)))  Maybe just limit your contact with her, sounds like you might have figured how to...bring up grief counseling for the kids!

 

[Elizabethr7360]

Yes I did sent links etc earlier I think she’s gone now thankfully - his eldest remains in touch but obviously this is not an issue.  I was just in the thick of it there and seems I’ve managed to push it off and get on with a less complicated (my own) sadness.  This whole thing sucks.  I am entertaining thoughts of getting through my dissertation so that has to be a good sign.  It all just hurts as anyone on here knows.  Thank you for giving so much of yourself to this Kayc.  Most people don’t touch us with a ten foot pole.  xxx

[kayc]

11 hours ago, Elizabethr7360 said:

Most people don’t touch us with a ten foot pole.  xxx

Every single one of our friends disappeared overnight, my two besties didn't even bother attending his funeral!  Grief has a way of rewriting our address book.  They act like it's contagious, don't want us to gloom their day, it reminds them of their mortality so they get gone so as to not think about it.  Too bad we don't have that option!

Friends who Stop Being Good Friends
Friends, letdown
Friendship: Why I No Longer Hold Onto Relationships That No Longer Serve Me

[Elizabethr7360]

It’s really appalling.  At least it makes you very empathic to others who are going through rough times.  John’s father died when he was 9 and it wasn’t until a stretch of time in 2018 that I started asking more and more questions and he was remembering and telling me things he’d long forgotten - when people don’t talk to you, or encourage you to talk, they leave you with this burden.  He’d been carrying it around his whole life, this unspoken grief.  I felt when he died and it makes me cry to write it is that the one of the things I did deeply honor and treasure about him but could never truly know, he taught me in the end by slipping away.  So I’ve experienced part of the core of who he was.  He was the most gentle, kind person to so many people.  A true blue good person.  Okay enough crying I’m meant to be crossing things off my “look at me function list”

e

[kayc]

You'll be crying for a good long while, and it's okay.  I rarely cry now, I think I used up most of my tears in my early years of grief.

You have that common bond with your husband, you can understand what he went through as a child of only nine.  Our love continues, I think I love my husband even more now, if possible, I realize all the more how rare and special he was, irreplaceable for sure.  I was lucky.  Out of four marriages, he was the ONLY one who ever truly loved me!  And it was very reciprocal, I can have no regrets, we loved each other to the moon and back. Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.