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Heartbreak Hotel


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My boyfriend well ex now broke up with me because I'm physically disabled with severe heart problems which limit me, take care of my elderly  mom and unable  to see him outside of my home.  He basically throws tantrums because he saids that I'm not compromising and its  been a one sided relationship. it has been one sided, I've been in a relationship by myself, begging to see him  always but since he cant get his way, refuses to see me sometimes for months. hes focused on the wrong things when it comes to relationships.  I'm soo heartbroken . 

I've lost everything... 

I lost my furry baby on 08/20/2021 she was my world and literally the reason I was alive 

I live with a verbally abusive toxic foster mother alone and has been around  her family for almost  30 years. She is almost  90 and still hurling insults, that get crueler everyday. Despite that I live to take care of her 24/7. to None of them love me and never have taken the time out to ever have a conversation with me. They all are verbally abusive towards me..I feel soo low .

 

I lost my biological mom almost 25 years ago.. the only one to truly love me and cared. Everyday I still cry about it..

 

I don't have any friends. From childhood to now and beyond no one ever wanted to be bothered  with me or ever befriended me and I've been bullied and just alone depressed and lonely my entire life

 

My health is declining,  although I can do some things with struggling,  most I can not so I'm in bed most of the day. I will never be employed, SSI keeps declining me, so I have no money whatsoever, no other place to go

I know it's highly toxic but I try to keep my ex around because I have no one else to talk to , basically I have no one to talk to because he ignores me about 95 percent of the time, and when he doesn't he's being  verbally abusive and always dismissive towards me too. He looks down upon me too. He really thinks that I'm a loser and he feels sorry for me and pity's me that's why hes still barely around. 

I stare at my phone all day long watching videos. Trying to busy my mind and the silence. I wish I had someone to talk to , I wish someone genuinely liked me and didn't think that I'm a loser and pitied me for being one.

 

I'm very lonely and depressed 

 

so I'm just stuck 

I wish that I wasn't living anymore

I don't have any to look forward to or live for

I am not needed 

I am not wanted

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There are tons of articles and posts about people abandoned in their darkest hour.  I've heard it said in order to make a friend you have to first BE a friend.  In other words, get out of ourselves and show interest in other people, ask about them, what they like/do/think, etc.  They say to join things to MEET people, volunteer, join a club/group/activity...but what to do when you're disabled or like in today's day and age, we have social distancing and everything's on zoom (which I don't do).  It's more challenging then.  I walk my puppy every day, that gets me out, I see my neighbors and wave or talk to them here and there.  Building friendships takes time.

When I lost my husband suddenly/unexpectedly 16 years ago (he'd just had his 51st birthday) ALL of our friends disappeared in short order!  My two besties didn't even bother coming to his funeral!  I see/give no excuse for that.  I have articles on how grief rearranges your address book, yep, sure does!  It seems most are fair weather friends, not the kind we thought/hoped for that would stick through thick and thin...those are more rare, HTF.  I made such a friend when my husband died, she saw no one was with him in the hospital when he was dying (I was away at my sisters' reunion, 4 1/2 hours from home, and my sister refused to drive me to the hospital, she wanted to gamble, which I don't even do!) so she split up her time between her husband and mine, sneaking in cokes and burgers to him.  We became BFFs for ten years, then she moved to TX to remarry.  I'm happy for her but it changed things, as we can no longer get together and do crafts, visit over meals, go out together.  I haven't had one like her since, and that was over six years ago.  But I've made some "loose friends," at a weekly get together at one's home, or a once a month get together with a couple of ladies for Scrabble...it's not on a regular basis but when one of us sets it up at our house.  Covid has rearranged our social lives, totally.  Phone calls, internet, are both a way of staying in touch, but...not the same either.  I miss hugs, smiles!  

I don't know the answer to this dilemma as I'm still making my way through it, but I've learned people don't like Debbie downers, nor do they want to be around someone who is self-absorbed especially if whatever they are going through consumes them.  Sometimes when we're in a really hard place we have to lay aside what we are going through and try to show interest in others...in so doing we may develop, over much time, a friendship that DOES allow for caring between both parties who may show interest then in what you're going through.  Sometimes it can take years to build this, and at times in our lives, frankly, we're not up to the task...we're barely surviving.  Keep trying, a bit more.  What choice do we have?  It can be a lonely existence.

I'm sorry your foster mom pulls you down, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, but she is very lucky to have you.  She may not realize/fully appreciate it, but you can give yourself a pat on the back all the same.  Sometimes our own kudos have to do for us.  Knowing who we are and that we continue to do the right thing, take the upper road, etc.

Practice self-care.  Can you take a bubble bath, go for a drive or walk in nature, treat yourself to something, watch/read something you want to, try something new...hobby?  It's hard when we don't have interest in doing anything...depression often abounds.  But maybe trying something new can break us out of our mold.

I'm sorry if you didn't want to hear any suggestions...I do that sometimes, I'm a "fixer,"  but sometimes I don't SEE a fix, but geez I hate being stuck!  When all is said and done, know that I care, and I understand your dilemma.  As much as one can when they don't know all of the particulars...

Sometimes we need medicine to help us with our depression.  I'm not on antidepressants but do take an anti-anxiety Rx Buspirone (Buspar), not an SSRI, much milder, safer than altering my brain, but takes the edge off just a bit so I can cope.  I had to research for it because my (former) doctor's answer was Valium, no thanks!

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Please. Feel free to send me a message. Anytime. I beg you. I would be more than happy to talk to you. Or even just listen. Just listen to you. So that you don't feel so lonely and desperate, even if it is just for a couple of minutes... I am so so sorry to read this 💔

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