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Hi, I just wondered if anyone else here has experienced this.  Well, two things.  It’s been 2 months since I lost John.  And so I am at that point where I write lists of things to do and invariably scratch off everything on it and start another.  I have found that when I get too much done, I pay for it with worse pain.  Like yesterday, I did a bunch of practical crap and went to the bank for a new bank card went to the dry cleaners went to UPS to exchange out phone and took my son to the library.  When I got home, within ten minutes I was weeping in my closet hanging on to his robe which Covid had him sweating out in for a week before being hospitalized.  Or I’ll have a good day of good memories then stumble on a post he put up long before he was with me on Facebook that will be like lyrics to a song and banter with someone else that I thought was a song like that was only for me and that sends me into an absolute spiral of this feeling that he didn’t die - he left me.  Like I had such a feeling of being summarily dumped when he went into the respiratory unit for the noninvasive treatment - his lungs were too damaged from earlier sarcoidosis to be ventilated.  So I run this gamut of knowing how deeply he loved me to feeling like he didn’t love me at all.  Now I have two phones of his that I don’t even know if I should look at because of the possibility of stumbling on something that ordinarily would be laughed off but now I would probably blow right out of proportion.  And there’s so much of us on those phones but I think having them live in their little iPhone boxes is the best thing.  I guess my question here is does anyone feel like death is akin to some kind of unexpected nightmare breakup?  It’s one of the worst feelings and comes from either nowhere or some silly throwaway thing.  I work it away like resume being rational and then it’s all over me once again.  It’s just the suddenness of it all in part, I guess, just a 29 day oh it’s just a slight fever and you’re double vaccinated to oh your in the hospital but this is good they’ll let you rest and look after you to oh your in a high support unit to oh you’ve died.  I’m going on a bit here but this is one aspect of grief that I find like insult on top of injury, like salt in the wound.  I never questioned his love before.  Now it’s like a frequent meltdown around it.  Elizabeth 

 

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50 minutes ago, Elizabethr7360 said:

I work it away like resume being rational and then it’s all over me once again.  

 

Dear Elizabeth, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I've read your post and I wanted to comment on this. Of course this journey is as individual as it can be, but here we understand the place you are right now, because we all have been there in our own ways and circumstances. 

There're songs I cannot listen to again, I can't read his messages without feeling the need to melt down and cry and ask why I lost HIM. There are places and memories which are painful to visit. And when I do, I do it with the awareness that I will feel a mess inside of me and I will have to face it. 

My mind is set up to rationalize almost everything, but loss and grief and feelings from death cannot be. It's a battle against yourself that would leave you drained, and it's pointless. Our beloved ones are still gone. It doesn't make sense. It's not OK. We are not OK. 

Unfortunately, and I'm not saying this as someone who has been enlightened by any of this, we were forced to navigate the journey of grief and this path has little, if anything, to do with a logic process. It's a very confusing and messy one, full of traps. 

What has helped me, apart from this site, is to read about grief and believe that I wasn't going crazy from the waves of pain, when a minute I was able to cross things from my to do list and in the afternoon I spent hours crying on my bed wanting to be with him. The daily tasks felt like I was cheating myself. 

Hang in there. We understand what you are going through. Be kind with yourself because this is really a matter of a day/an hour/a day at a time.

 

 

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Thanks for your reply.  I just didn’t expect jealousy to enter the picture.  Or to somehow feel like he dumped me rather than the true fact that he died desperately wanting to live.  It’s funny because he was the one who usually fell into a jealous fit not me - even in the last few days he’d be accusing me of having found someone better and I’d be like I’m just sitting here listening to Kate Bush bawling my head off what are you even on about.  So it’s been very disconcerting because of course he’s not here to take it away.  I guess you just let it wash over you like all the other feelings and know it’ll recede again.  I just didn’t know if anyone had this happen because I don’t typically see it on any lists of “what to expect in grief.”  Thanks for underlining how irrational the whole process is xxx

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Elizabeth, three of my husbands old girlfriends have passed on and I went through a period of jealousy.  I have gone through everything these past six years (tomorrow).  I have been so angry at him.  I have pictured him looking at me and telling me he loved me but he didn't like me.  Unfortunately, I have tried to kill him off a number of times, but he is already gone.  

And as always, I come back to my little grandma, who left her memories in a book form before she left us in 1983 or 1984.  She had a country grocery store.  My grandfather had been gone for 19 years.  A woman asked her if she was a widow and then "how much time had passed."  My grandmother said "19 years" and the woman told her, "well, you've had enough time to get over it.."  My grandmother wrote "strange, it seems like yesterday."  I think we all go through so much, so many times, and like Rose Kennedy said, time does not heal the wounds. "The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." -Rose Kennedy.

I'm so sorry for your loss, for your family's loss.  I was so angry I was going to write the CEO of the hospital I had retired from, where Billy passed away, they kept him in the  ER all night in terrible pain, after 4:00 a.m. they took him to a room.  He was gone after 7:00 a.m.  I still have not written the letter.  I won't.  Six years ago tomorrow.  Just another day marking time.  I will see him again.  No matter how they go, we will miss them every minute of every day and night.  I slide out of bed to keep from disturbing him each day.  That has not stopped, and then I just ignore it.

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8 hours ago, scba said:

My mind is set up to rationalize almost everything, but loss and grief and feelings from death cannot be. It's a battle against yourself that would leave you drained, and it's pointless. Our beloved ones are still gone. It doesn't make sense. It's not OK. We are not OK. 

Unfortunately, and I'm not saying this as someone who has been enlightened by any of this, we were forced to navigate the journey of grief and this path has little, if anything, to do with a logic process. It's a very confusing and messy one, full of traps. 

Wow, Ana, you really found the words to describe this.  Kay wrote in another thread about time passing and we wonder if it was really real.  I couldn’t count the gamut of feelings I’ve been thru I never knew existed from this.  I’m a logic person too and this defies that at every turn even tho I know the biology behind it.  The 'why him?' trap.  I haven’t felt OK in years.  I don’t know what that felt like anymore except occasionally in dreams.  Definitely not waking up and living another day.

Abandonment is a huge feeling.  I haven’t numbered the feelings, but there are many times it’s number one.  I get angry at him for it.  Logic says it was the cancer, of course.  But I do find myself blaming him.  Makes no sense, but nothing does in this new existence since I stopped really living when he died.  Even months before when I saw it coming and was powerless to stop it.  
 

The only jealousy I’ve felt is he might have handled this better and selfishly wishing I had been the one.  I don’t want these feelings and pain.  I know it would have devastated him, yet I still want out of this.  How could I love someone that much and want that?  Because grief makes no sense in the world it creates.  I don’t know how he would have felt if given a choice.  Problem is we have no idea what it will be like til it happens.  Making a decision like that is speculation and what we’ve been 'told'.  We know that’s crap.  I only know he said he wouldn’t last long.  I don’t know if that’s true.  Part of me says it is because of his drinking when severely depressed.  He’d do anything to numb the pain.  Lots of meds in this house too.  Not planned, but easily accidental.

Marg, my heart is with you about tomorrow.  I face the same on the 29th.  I’ve said it before, but I hate October now.  Always will.


 

 

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1 hour ago, Marg M said:

Elizabeth, three of my husbands old girlfriends have passed on and I went through a period of jealousy.  I have gone through everything these past six years (tomorrow).  I have been so angry at him.  I have pictured him looking at me and telling me he loved me but he didn't like me.  Unfortunately, I have tried to kill him off a number of times, but he is already gone.  

And as always, I come back to my little grandma, who left her memories in a book form before she left us in 1983 or 1984.  She had a country grocery store.  My grandfather had been gone for 19 years.  A woman asked her if she was a widow and then "how much time had passed."  My grandmother said "19 years" and the woman told her, "well, you've had enough time to get over it.."  My grandmother wrote "strange, it seems like yesterday."  I think we all go through so much, so many times, and like Rose Kennedy said, time does not heal the wounds. "The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." -Rose Kennedy.

I'm so sorry for your loss, for your family's loss.  I was so angry I was going to write the CEO of the hospital I had retired from, where Billy passed away, they kept him in the  ER all night in terrible pain, after 4:00 a.m. they took him to a room.  He was gone after 7:00 a.m.  I still have not written the letter.  I won't.  Six years ago tomorrow.  Just another day marking time.  I will see him again.  No matter how they go, we will miss them every minute of every day and night.  I slide out of bed to keep from disturbing him each day.  That has not stopped, and then I just ignore it.

 

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I did almost!  😂 I went to patient liaisons oh it’s such a crazy story but I do know I loved him to pieces no one could replace the craziness of the love I had for him in the end the nurses snuck me in - twice - into the Covid ward.  And yes I know jealousy is a weird thing to feel and I think I just haven’t accepted he’s gone and so the usual dramas that were always silly and unfounded are gone too.  Too much crying today but alas it’s Saturday.  And yes I guess jealousy is an easy way to get mad at him because it was the only way he ever got upset with me so I’m fighting fire with fire and can’t cope sometimes that we loved each other so much and time ran out.  But with so much left for me though!  Aghhhhh

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I cry all the time.  Point your finger at me and I can cry.  I don't talk to him as much as I used to.  I miss that.  I have gone to sleep in the recliner 2-3 times over these six years and he visited me.  It was so real that I saw his shoes, his pants, never saw his face, but he kissed me on the forehead.  It was so real that I got scared of going to sleep in the recliner.  He does not visit me at night.  And now, I'm sure he is so busy with those three old girlfriends that he won't visit me again.  Life, for us living, after their death is just treading water, marching in time with the music we cannot hear anymore.  

I'm just so sorry you lost him.  I'm so sorry we all lost our hearts.  "I am you and you are me" is what he used to say.  I still am him.  I cannot visit our favorite places because even though we were "one," he really is not there.  

Girls, I moved the boxes to the empty bedroom.  I peeped in them, more pictures in all of them.  We sure took a lot of pictures. 

Elizabeth, I wrote this grief site three days after Billy was gone.  I'm still writing.  In the meantime, my girlfriend (life long friend) has lost two husbands.  After this last one, she had to have heart repair work.  She had let herself go and took care of the last husband who had a heart attack on their honeymoon.  He was mostly an invalid for about 12 years.  

I wish there was a cure.  Please Gwen, Kay, Dee, Gin, Marty, Brat, and all you others that I left names off, please take care of yourself.

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It is something the havoc the mind can create in these times of tremendous stress. I haven't experienced the sense of abandonment; in my case, it's been lost identity, everything feeling strange and unfamiliar, feeling untethered. A very odd feeling. It's a tough situation when someone passes with issues not discussed/resolved. My husband died suddenly - heart wrenching that I wasn't able to say final words to my big love. I figure the only way I can talk to him is...to talk to him, so I do. A lot. About how things ended, what's going on in the world and my life, things that would amuse or interest. (My cat and dogs used to look at me with alarm, now it's just normal!) Guess it brings a small degree of comfort. At least it's something I can do, when you feel you've lost control of so much. Elizabeth, sorry for your loss; such sad circumstances. 

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1 hour ago, Marg M said:

marching in time with the music we cannot hear anymore.  

I'm just so sorry you lost him.  I'm so sorry we all lost our hearts. 

Marg. My heart and thoughts will be with you tomorrow. Allow me to tell you that I've written down a quote you mentioned time ago in my journal, it is this one: "do not speak to those whose feet haven't touched the flames". The quote from Rose Kennedy is in there too.

Like you, there is a draft email which was never sent, it is in my mail box, addressed to my BF's doctor. In there, I asked her how should I prepare our home for the moment when he would leave hospital after his surgery. For some reason I didn't send it and he died 4 days later. He didn't leave hospital. I had to leave our apt 3 weeks later. I don't dare to erase the email. It is a testament for the future that was about to die too. A future that was never ment to exist. A testament of the young woman I used to be and finds hard to believe in anything again. 

I haven't read the email again.

You are very valuable here in this forum. Thank you.

 

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It's funny....I've never felt anger or abandonment, just a lot of hurt, sadness, and frustration at the unresolved issues which were never going to be resolved even after rehashing them for forty years. That sticks with me like glue and preys on my mind. Pretty stupid as he's not coming back from the grave to apologize. The loss of identity is a big thing, to go from "we" of 40 years to "I" of forever. Of course, there's the giant pain and burden of knowledge that neither he nor my daughter are ever coming back. That never goes away. You just learn to live with all of it. You have no other chouce.

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Interesting that you all are talking about how it doesn't go away.  A few days ago I got an update type of email from a counselor and spiritual director (like a life coach but more spirituality-themed) who was announcing some updates to her website including doing sessions over Zoom.  I had seen her one-to-one during the last days and again after he was gone, for some advice and guidance.  Then she moved to another state, very far away, and that connection dropped.  But evidently I am still on the mailing list.

It's funny... just contemplating doing a catch-up Zoom session with her made me sad to the point of tears all over again.  It's not that I blame her for anything, it just evokes that fraught time almost 5 years ago, leading me to wonder about myself.  I've barely budged from my position then compared to now.  Some things changed by external force, and some things I chose to change, but much more remains the same.  And here we are barrelling into the same stretch of months that I have come to hate.

A lot of well-turned phrases here in this post...

1 hour ago, KarenK said:

to go from "we" of 40 years to "I" of forever.

 

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

"The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." -Rose Kennedy.

 

12 hours ago, scba said:

we were forced to navigate the journey of grief and this path has little, if anything, to do with a logic process. It's a very confusing and messy one, full of traps. 

Isn't that the truth, all of it.

Elizabeth and Ruby, I haven't logged on lately, but wanted to welcome you, yet am sorry you have had cause to find us.

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21 hours ago, scba said:

Unfortunately, and I'm not saying this as someone who has been enlightened by any of this, we were forced to navigate the journey of grief and this path has little, if anything, to do with a logic process.

True.  It's much emotion, neither good nor bad, just there for us to contend with.  Time warps.  Grief warps.  We can know things with our head but it doesn't always line up with our hearts.  It's weird, it just is.

Put the phones in their boxes and leave them for another time when you feel more ready.  If he never showed cause to doubt him or not trust him, then I wouldn't go there, believe in him.  This horrid illness took him, not his heart.  He had no more control than you.  We're all victims in this grief unless/until we reclaim our power by defying it and rebuilding our lives, as much as we can.  It takes time, years, we whittle away at it, little by little.  It's never the same again, and maybe not our druthers, but it's something we can do, live with.  It is what it is.

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13 hours ago, Marg M said:

Six years ago tomorrow.  Just another day marking time.  I will see him again.  No matter how they go, we will miss them every minute of every day and night. 

Those anv. of deaths are so hard to go through, I hate them, no one remembers anymore...no one but me.  And I will never forget.

Marg you're in our thoughts...:wub:  For me I wish they'd remove June 19 from the calendar but they'd have to remove Father's Day too as it fell on it that year...

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“For me I wish they'd remove June 19 from the calendar but they'd have toremove Father's Day too as it fell on it that year.“

Father’s Day will be awful this year as that was our “anniversary,” the day a silly Englishman in his 50s appeared in my life with “Fancy a chat?”  I of course took to the hills but slowly wandered back and said hello and we never stopped talking since.  Until August 14.  He was beautiful to me to the last.  The last thing he said to me was “I wish I could be kissing Your beautiful face.”  I have no reason to doubt him.  He always felt part man part child to me.  His absolute excitement in the cab to our hotel in NYC.  Pure joy writ across his face.  He died on a Saturday afternoon.  His last name was Munday.  Imagine Dragons came out with two songs immediately following his death “Wrecked” (about loss) and “My Monday” and how this person was the best day of the singer’s week.  It’s a terrible thing when people say “Happy Monday” to me now.  It was uncanny and as they are popular with younger people, play on the radio all the time.  I am really sorry too about today Marg.  I hope you are very gentle and kind with yourself today.  I find myself buying things like stuffed foxes and children’s books about like cat heaven.  We had matching fox tattoos on our wrists as he grew up a Leicester City football fan.  Their mascot is a fox. Hence his nickname I had for him - Foxy. Here’s a funny story that makes me wonder about reality and how it all works.  When his ring and watch lock of hair robe etc etc were mailed to me, his watch had stopped.  I’d given it to him.  It’s a lovely watch, and, yes, I’ve been wearing it.  And out of nowhere a couple days ago it kicked back in and started working.  It is exactly the time difference between us (The US and England) 5 hours on the watch.  Isn’t that clever? 
Happy Sunday to you all and much love and grace.  xxx 

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20 hours ago, Marg M said:

I'm so sorry we all lost our hearts.

I didn’t know it was possible to lose beyond falling in love.  That was a good loss.  I’ve had it broken, but never taken away for good.  I’m seeing how living without it is so bleak, long and monotonous.  I had a dream last night I was my old self.  volunteering, happy, full of life and love.  It made getting up almost impossible.  Especially facing the physical challenge.  
 

17 hours ago, Kieron said:

Some things changed by external force, and some things I chose to change, but much more remains the same.  And here we are barrelling into the same stretch of months that I have come to hate.

I’m in the same position.  I am dreading even more doing this another year.  The changes I chose or had to are done.  But the yearning for the old 'sameness' is a battle I continue to fight, and lose.  I’ve tried on all different types of replacements.  It’s like losing a cherished heirloom and it’s gone forever as there are none now.  It’s impossible.  Something that pulled everything together and it won’t ever be right again.

20 hours ago, Marg M said:

I don't talk to him as much as I used to.  I miss that. 

 

20 hours ago, Marg M said:

He does not visit me at night. 

I haven’t seen Steve in a long time either.  Stopped talking to him too.  I feel no presence.  I used to hate dreaming about him when I woke up, but now I miss it, painful as it was.  I don’t really have anything to talk to him about anymore.  I don’t or can’t do anything, have much interest in things or come up with ideas to bat around.  It’s survival mode now.  And for what I don’t know.  I don’t want to be here really.  That dream last night solidified that feeling.  Life is just fighting pain.  The emotional was always there and getting worse and now this damned surgery that has me scared.  The frustration of an empty like is winning.  Little things like getting Mel back feel like they won’t happen.  It’s like the last time I saw him, was it the same with her?  I toss the word 'life' around, but I don’t know what it really is any more.  😓

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21 hours ago, Marg M said:

Girls, I moved the boxes to the empty bedroom.  I peeped in them, more pictures in all of them.  We sure took a lot of pictures.

Marg: 

Please know you are in my thoughts today.  The anniversary days on that old calendar are so difficult.

I actually gasped when I read you peeped into the boxes.  You are a brave lady. Hugs, Dee  

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23 hours ago, Elizabethr7360 said:

“For me I wish they'd remove June 19 from the calendar but they'd have toremove Father's Day too as it fell on it that year.“

Father’s Day will be awful this year as that was our “anniversary,” the day a silly Englishman in his 50s appeared in my life with “Fancy a chat?”  I of course took to the hills but slowly wandered back and said hello and we never stopped talking since.  Until August 14.  He was beautiful to me to the last.  The last thing he said to me was “I wish I could be kissing Your beautiful face.”  I have no reason to doubt him.  He always felt part man part child to me.  His absolute excitement in the cab to our hotel in NYC.  Pure joy writ across his face.  He died on a Saturday afternoon.  His last name was Munday.  Imagine Dragons came out with two songs immediately following his death “Wrecked” (about loss) and “My Monday” and how this person was the best day of the singer’s week.  It’s a terrible thing when people say “Happy Monday” to me now.  It was uncanny and as they are popular with younger people, play on the radio all the time.  I am really sorry too about today Marg.  I hope you are very gentle and kind with yourself today.  I find myself buying things like stuffed foxes and children’s books about like cat heaven.  We had matching fox tattoos on our wrists as he grew up a Leicester City football fan.  Their mascot is a fox. Hence his nickname I had for him - Foxy. Here’s a funny story that makes me wonder about reality and how it all works.  When his ring and watch lock of hair robe etc etc were mailed to me, his watch had stopped.  I’d given it to him.  It’s a lovely watch, and, yes, I’ve been wearing it.  And out of nowhere a couple days ago it kicked back in and started working.  It is exactly the time difference between us (The US and England) 5 hours on the watch.  Isn’t that clever? 
Happy Sunday to you all and much love and grace.  xxx 

This is beautiful, thank you for sharing.  I feel your love through your writing.  

Marg, you're in all of our thoughts today...:wub:

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On 10/17/2021 at 12:10 AM, Kieron said:

Some things changed by external force, and some things I chose to change, but much more remains the same. 

Dear Kieron,

I'm sorry to read that you are feeling sad. Did you meet your counselor? Did you feel better afterwards?

Sometimes it does feel that we are going nowhere and that we haven't made any progress. I have come to a strange conclusion: because we are battling against the "nothingness" (because death is definite, it cannot be changed, they aren't here (physically, to start with) and there are only our thoughts with us..... it feels like it is all pointless and we remain defeated at the end of the day.... cause they are still gone. And we are still where we were.

But perception is not always the truth. My therapist told me that I have made progresses and I was like: what? It cannot be true. My brother told me the same, you look better. My reply was: you don't know.

Are they wrong? I don't know.

Maybe a question would be: what exactly is "change" in all.of this? Myself at year n.7 would say: I owe this, my love and my pain and my wounds, I """"accept"""" this is part of me and who I am and shapes what I do and think everyday.... and to that I would add: and I don't need to explain or excuse myself to anyone anymore. I am able to choose my battles or maybe not, because I'm already busy with the biggest one. I do the best I can in the present day, when possible. Others can conquer the future on my behalf.

It's too late in the evening and I wrote a "word salad". Sorry if I rambled and wasn't able to address your point. 

 

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Thanks, Ana, your salad made sense. :)

No, I haven't connected with her.  I may, I may not.  I will say something odd happened... a few days after that email, midmorning this past Sunday, someone stopped by my house.  This person had lived here when everything was falling apart. Without going into all the back story, this person was conducting themselves in ways that were disreputable and egregiously bad taste, associating with unsavory people and creating drama when I least needed it and just wanted quiet and stillness.  I had had to spend a lot of energy pushing this person out of here when all I wanted to do was be left alone in my grief.  After the dust settled and they were gone, then I found out they had taken many valuable things, or let their friends take things that were not theirs, including all my power tools, some electronics and some personally important items.  I wasn't even left with a simple cordless drill, for heaven's sake.

So this person came by to apologize for their behavior and owned up to all of their mistakes and bad decisions.  I said exactly what I thought of them, and didn't hold back much, and it was somewhat gratifying to see them nod and accept that I was justified to be angry.  But I was surprised by how much grief still is inside me, and I am not ready to fully forgive this person.  There will probably never be any return of my missing things, and probably never get anything else because they are dirt poor and by their own admission, "messed up in the head."

People tell me to just "let it go" and I mostly have, and feel a lot lighter after unloading on them, and still do, but I am really surprised, almost 5 years later, how much it all comes rushing back.  The difference is, it's cooler and maybe a little more dense or distilled, if that makes sense, into what I might call "essential grief."  That may be the part that never quite disappears.

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Kieron, handle it however YOU choose when YOU are ready, this angers me so much, I wish I could let them have it!  I would make a police report, but that's me, not you.  If you don't feel it's worth the angst, then don't...I'd file homeowner's too.  I did that years ago and they didn't raise my ins. ;)  Good to know.  Not sure about nowadays.  

It helps to know what forgiveness is for and what first of all, it is NOT.  It does NOT mean what they did was "okay."  It is not and never would be.  It does NOT mean you'll let them do it again!  It does NOT mean you ever trust them again or let them on your place.  Hell no!  They've already shown you their true colors, you can believe what they have shown...it's a flashing warning letting you know to beware of them!  And it does NOT mean they don't have to accept responsibility for what they did.  If they truly apologize and mean it they would make amends.  It's not your problem they're poor or desperate or whatever.  That does NOT make them a victim!  Nor does it give them the right to victimize you or anyone else.  They got away with it, they will do it again.

Five years later, yes you can let it go as far as what it does inside of you....that is the forgiveness part, we do it so as not to let it harm us, nothing to do with them.  ;)  Just my 2 cents for all it's worth!  The last thing you needed in your grief was someone pulling something like this on you instead of valuing your boundaries and sanctity.  I had something similar happen with George's "friend" taking the ring (appraised 21 years ago at $1,800) I'd given him for a wedding present, his CDs, his hat, etc.  I filed police report but they never traced it, months later I figured it out but it was too late then as they'd moved, left no forwarding, but at the time of his death my head was in a thick fog and I couldn't think.

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Ana, I agree with everything you said, you owe no explanation to anyone, be true to yourself, we here, "get you."  :wub:

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In terms of losing “stuff” I hear you, Kieron.  Because John was in England when he passed, and I had not long got back, it was up to his family to gather his things from the hospital and his ex to empty his flat.  Many of the things I treasured that I gave to him never made their way to America.  The things that did are immensely treasured and tucked away carefully with things from him and things I’d purchased for our future home this fall.  Now, in fact.  His ex-wife had put what she found in a box and given the box to his family who then took it upon themselves to empty and further things went missing.  It just hurts because they were gifts from me and meant a lot.  When I asked, I got no response.  The trip over when he was sick wiped me out so much financially and emotionally, I’ve just had to make do with it.  The things can’t bring him back, but they are kinder reminders of the real love between us.  As in the Little Prince, he was my fox and I was his rose.  So a certain treasure will float through my mind at night and leave me feeling wretched until I assume my more adult self yet again.  I got back one particular framed picture he kept at his bedside.  Me at about age 5 at my first dance.  But scarves jackets things of value - zip.  It does add salt to the wound.  And is my version of something to “let go.”

elizabeth 

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