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First holiday without my Mom


mik

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Mom was supposed to help me bake pumpkin pies for Thanksgiving tomorrow. She is in Heaven instead. I'm sad and angry. I dont care if I celebrate another holiday ever again. My family is in PA. I am in South Carolina with my husband. Mom was here for a month before passing away, yeah. I hate the thought of Christmas. I hate being an orphan. I just want everything the way it was before my parents died. I'm 60 years old and know I sound like a spoiled 5 year old brat, but that just what I feel like...swinging between anger at everyone and depression. Why couldn't Mom just make it through one more Christmas. I am so selfish. She was in pain and wanted to be with my Dad yet here I am wishing her here with me. I get so disgusted with my self.

 

 

 

Edited by mik
Misspell
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(((hugs)))  I know what it is to be missing someone...esp. around the holidays...it sucks.  :(

 

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  • 4 months later...
On 11/25/2021 at 12:49 AM, mik said:

Mom was supposed to help me bake pumpkin pies for Thanksgiving tomorrow. She is in Heaven instead. I'm sad and angry. I dont care if I celebrate another holiday ever again. My family is in PA. I am in South Carolina with my husband. Mom was here for a month before passing away, yeah. I hate the thought of Christmas. I hate being an orphan. I just want everything the way it was before my parents died. I'm 60 years old and know I sound like a spoiled 5 year old brat, but that just what I feel like...swinging between anger at everyone and depression. Why couldn't Mom just make it through one more Christmas. I am so selfish. She was in pain and wanted to be with my Dad yet here I am wishing her here with me. I get so disgusted with my self.

I don't think that you should feel disgusted about yourself, it's perfectly reasonable to feel like that. I just lost my mom three days ago; Mother's Day is coming up and when it comes up it'll be exactly one month from when I lost her. I'm 29 and you're 60, but they were still our moms. My mom still referred to me as her baby when she'd be with me around people who we didn't see often (or who I had never met but she knew well). When she'd introduce me she'd have a beaming smile and say "And that's my baby." Whether I was 5, 13, 20 or 28, that's what she'd say: "That's my baby." She'd have done it if she saw my 30th birthday this year too I bet.

 

My mom was in a lot of pain too. I never had my dad in my life much and he was gone before I was even in high school (not that I've ever felt sad about it). Mom and I were always on our own and we made it work. Believe me, the only solace that I take in her passing away is that she's not hurting physically now. It's not selfish to want her back. I won't miss my mom cooking since she really hadn't/couldn't do it for many years. I'll miss doing it for her and us day in and day out. I don't know your mom but I bet she wishes she could have made many more pumpkin pies and made another Christmas with you, just as my mom would have wanted to watch many more Jeopardy! episodes with me or surprise me with my favourite drink sometimes after she got home from work. I was always my mom's baby, it's okay to sound like a "spoiled 5 year old brat" when it comes to wanting your mom. 60 is still too young to lose them, it's always too young.

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Feelings just are, neither inherently good or bad, they just are, for us to deal with, and sometimes it's tough.  I just lost my sister two weeks ago...while I'm happy for her, relieved that we're spared what the future would have held (she was very disabled and had dementia), I miss her...she was the only family I had here, we were very close, talked on the phone usually an hour/day, I went to see her all the time with my dog Kodie, and she loved him and he her...it's hard.  

It IS okay how we feel, ALL of our feelings!  Even ones we don't understand.  Some grievers feel anger, some jealousy.  While I wouldn't want to stay in that, it's sure understandable...I went the whole gamut when I lost my barely 51 year old husband unexpectedly nearly 17 years ago.

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