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death bureaucracies

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When my father died - he was a victim of a violent crime - me and my family went through hell. But, from all the bad things, the memories from the funeral arrangements still linger in my thoughts. The bureaucracies: my father's siblings discussing if he should be buried with their parents, the "open coffin" decisions...etc.

I'm not sure if I resent any of the options we made, but is it only me that comes back to these death bureaucracies? Does anyone also have similar experiences? It seems so surreal having to decide these thinks when we are so numb?What went through your heads during the funeral arrangements? I felt like a little child, wanting someone to decide for me. Everyone talks about grieving, but how did you feel during that time, before the funeral?

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This is why, when my MIL got cancer, she got a Living Will.  It does take a lot of having to decide away from the family.  Often times a pastor can help guide someone through these decisions, but my pastor went on vacation the morning after my husband died, that was 16 1/2 years ago.  The pastor I have now would never leave in a time like this.

When my mom passed, my brother, the executor of the estate and sole heir, scattered my mom's ashes at the coast somewhere with his family present, us five daughters got no say and were not allowed to be present or even know where.  I never understood or agreed with that.  I've had to accept that she is not her ashes and her spirit is resting comfortably, but it's still been hard, no place to come to and visit...

I am so sorry for your loss and the horrific way in which it happened.

I think everything at that time feels surreal, time warped, we're in shock, I can't imagine going through what you and your family suffered.  (((hugs)))

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