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Hi I lost my husband this year tragically unexpectedly to covid. We were together just 5 years and they were the best of my life. I miss him every minute of the day. He was my person. My only person that cared for me, believed in me, loved me. He gave me every part of him. I never had anyone treat me so good. We were 100 percent a team. We had each other's back with everything. He even chose me,me! Over and over again when my stepchildren, my mother in law, and some nosy neighborhood townsfolk tried to split us up. We loved, needed, and accepted each other despite my flaws. He spoiled me, took me on trips, vacations, and was constantly buying me gifts, flowers, chocolate. Whenever we were apart we were on the phone always. In all my years I never had anyone like my husband who did everything for us, not even close. We met later in life and almost instantly were un seperable. We married quickly as well after only dating 7 months. My husband was trying so hard to buy us a home it was his dream to own a home when he passed and he was working out of state when he got sick and passed in an out of state hospital.  It was horror the hospital would not let me in and took from me saying goodbye to my husband I had to say goodbye on the telephone of all unimaginable things. I had to watch my husband dying on an iPad unable to hold his hand,, fix his pillow,, or for gods sake clean the gunk from his eyes. I have not known anyone who dies from covid and the only stories I heard were people with mild symptoms and recovered. I could not fathom this would happen and of course I feel so stupid and shameful of my stupidity. When I met my husband I had 2 jobs. Absolutely no love or life existed in my world until we met. I was only a slave serving the end. I cannot go back to that.

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I am so very sorry about the sudden loss of your dear husband due to COVID. Not being able to be with him in person at the end must have been incredibly painful. I loved hearing about your relationship; it sounds very special and loving! My husband also died unexpectedly 6 months ago. It’s been the worst thing I’ve ever experienced, and sadness overwhelms me at times. Like you, it’s turned my life upside down. It’s been day by day for me. Supportive relationships have been a help to me, as have small behaviors and activities that calm and rejuvenate in some way. I know that learning to navigate this grief will be my great challenge. I know that you’ll find wonderful support from the people on this site, as have I.  I wish you the very best.

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Sheemie, I was so sorry to hear about your loss. I am really touched by your words and to hear what a wonderful life you shared together. I lost my husband after 25 years of marriage, suddenly, for a heart attack. No warning signs, at least not early enough to rush him into hospital before going into cardiac arrest. Fate is so cruel sometimes. I often  think to myself that because it was so sudden, I can't come to terms with my loss and I never will. It's a shock too big to overcome. I feel like I'm living a life that's not mine, as if we're all acting a part. Then again, it must be devastating when you know before that you're losing him. However it goes, our grief is the same. We all understand here what you're going through, and like us, I'm sure you will find it comforting to share with us, whatever is going through your mind and all the emotions you're experiencing. 

Wishing you well. 

Enza

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@SheemieI am so sorry for your loss...we met in our mid-40s, I was going through a very hard divorce from a man who never loved me, father of my kids, 23 year marriage, but no love, cold, nor would he tried.  George was a good friend and in time it developed wings as he called it.  We knew each other 6 1/2 years, were only married 3 years, 8 months, but he was my person, my soulmate, the love of my life...like you, he is the only  one who ever loved me, and we adored each other.  I was at my sister's reunion when I got a call that he was in the hospital with a heart attack, barely 51 that week, and my sister wouldn't drive me to be with him!  Two days later she finally took me, she chose gambling over my being with my husband when he's dying!  It's hard for me to comprehend such an addiction.  When I got to the hospital, they had to move him to another room and when they let me in, he was asleep...I watched his numbers and when he was freezing and the numbers dropped I ran for the nurse' station, they all came running the second time, calling a code, starting to work on him, a nurse threw me off the ward and locked the door behind me...I found a little room and prayed.  I never saw him alive again.  It's the hardest thing in the world not to be with your husband when they die, to not BE there for them when they need you most!  We were always together!  

You found a true gem, as I did...mine was 16 1/2 years ago; I didn't see how I could live without him for one week, yet here I am.  I didn't see how the sun could shine without him in it!  How could people go on about their day?  It's like the world went on, but not me.

We do begin to process our grief and adjust to the changes it means for our lives, little by little, so minute as to seem imperceptible.  Sometimes the memories I cherish in my heart carry me through the times of aloneness.  Knowing there was a man who loved me with all his heart, with all his being.  Remembering that when he held me, it was the best place in all the world to me.  I haven't had that feeling since.

Please don't feel naive, how could any of us fathom our lives would change so drastically...so soon?  It wasn't the plan!  We were supposed to grow old together on the porch swing we purchased for our patio...watching the hummingbirds come to feed, holding hands...

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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I’ve only seen the heartbreaking stories of being separated by covid at this most critical of times you want ti be with them.  I cannot imagine to pain you felt.  My husband was not coherent but I could at least touch him.  He passed when I was at home sleeping.  I never got to really say goodbye.  You were close yet so far.  We all know how it feels to be 'abandoned' and now have to face life alone without that most special of love.  The path with this is only our own, but there are many here who can walk along with you.  Understand everything you feel.  A bond none of want to have, but are grateful we have support.  It’s a safe place to express everything you feel.  

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Hi, Sheemie.  I too lost the love of my life to Covid back in August.  It’s a long story but he was in the UK, I’m in the states.  I was able to go over August 1st when they lifted restrictions - it took a week standing outside his window while we talked on our phones, crying to the nurses, crying at patient liaisons etc etc to gain entry and truly I think they just snuck me in when the matron of the ward had a day off.  I understand your devastation.  John was my very best friend, my biggest cheerleader, my lover, my heart, my reason, and my future.  If only in my mind now, he still is and always will be.  His last message to me before slipping into a coma and dying the following day (he died 6 days after I returned to the states) read “I wish I could be with you and kissing your beautiful face.”  You must be in shock right now.  Little by little your mind will let you take more control of what has happened.  I’m so sorry.  He will always, always be yours.  And he’ll always love you.  Don’t lose sight of that as you struggle through this.  xxx Elizabeth  

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Elizabeth, sending you love and hugs...your msg to Sheemie is beautiful and heartfelt.  You understand.

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