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Another first, when will it end?


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Today as all days are now 
Was a terrible horrendous day.
It was the first snowfall without you.
Just last year, you were prancing around outside in your coat, enjoying the snow. Running around happy as can be. Never wanting to go back in.

I can understand. 

It's very ominous..

You d in the same manner..
Trying to escape...
Trying to see the world one last time..
I'm sorry I couldn't grant you that.

I didn't even shovel  this year.

It hurts.

It hurts terribly. 
I broke down further.
Down the rabbit hole..

I hope I cant be found.

The loss has completely 
Surfaced on my bones.
I don't look the same 
I haven't laughed or smiled 
A genuine one.
I reek of death
And desperation 
A dangerous combo
My body has been preparing to shut down.

Food isn't appealing nor appetizing to me

I have been just sleeping all day long.
It's hard to wake up and stay awake, literally. 

I don't want to wake up.

I lost you and 
Released you into the snow  
Today for a bit 

I hope the sleigh ride down my cheeks continuously 
Meant alot to you.
I hope you had fun
As you plopped in the snow 
Begging for more..
So I gave you more times..

Then we came inside 
And I released you some more 
On your bed ..that's still there.

I feel like I need to tell the story of 
Your last days tomorrow .

It replays 
Endlessly and continously in my mind
All day every day.
I hope you forgive me

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