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Tomorrow is /would be your 9th birthday


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Tomorrow would (is) your birthday.  I don't know how it works in a celestial or energetic realm or state that you may be in. You are 9 tomorrow.  Only 9. I feel like you were cheated out of everything that you deserved.  A good life, a good home, a longer life, more people to give a damn about you more than me.  
You came to me about a month after my bro moved in. You had been gone a year and somebody found you and contacted my brother saying that he better come and get you because of the state that you were in when they found you, severely bruised, battered,  bloody, shaken,  eye out of socket, frightened,  untrustworthy of humans mess that if he hadn't come they would have unsympathetic ally put you to sleep because you wouldn't let anyone come close to u. My brother adopted you when u were a puppy (u were a rescued from trauma then too) he had u for a year but someone stole u away for about a year (probably was because of his irresponsibility because he never watched u properly and carefully while you were here either.  I watched u and u were never left alone outside) 
He brought you here. I didn't even know that you existed.  He snuck you in. I met you (again because we are constantly reincarnated..well that's my beliefs anyways) and it broke my heart to see you on medication,  bruised,  sleepy. You never fused or were mean. You just looked at me with curiosity.  U were never frightened of me. . We bonded instantly.  You were 3 when u came, 9 when "it" happened to you. 
I'm sorry. 
I did my best.
It wasn't good enough. 
I'm sorry that I couldn't hold u or look at u in that state. I ran like the coward I am. I needed me to hold u. U left looking for me. I will never forget it. 

I'm sorry I'm a stupid disabled loser who couldn't save u or give u the life u deserved. U were stuck in the house most of the day because of me. I tried to make our walks last longer..I tried to last longer...
Next post is the end of one era the beginning of another

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You are not a "stupid disabled loser," there are many things we cannot control and life/death being one of them!  I would have given my life for my Arlie!  OR my husband!  Yet I couldn't save either of them!  Many of us cannot.  I would have given my home, anything to be able to dispel his cancer, and yet by the time they diagnosed it, it was too late...too late for surgery, chemo, anything.  And he'd had a clean bill of health just two weeks prior!  How can that be!  The vet didn't do a thorough job, imo, of assessing a dog his age (he died at 11 1/2, a large dog), I had no idea in just over two months he'd be gone.  All I could do was try to make him comfortable until such a time his suffering was too great and the kindest things was letting him go.  :(  I did that, I had him on SAM-e, liver support, CBD oil, I cooked for him, plied him with special foods to keep him eating...listened to what he was feeling and up to as far as his walks and pace.  I could not have loved him more!  And yet I lost him.

Some things are beyond our control.  I don't know the answer to "why," maybe there is no answer, at least none that would suit me.  I only know how much it hurts to lose them and how badly we miss them.  All we can do now is honor them any way we know how.  Keeping their memory alive, looking forward to the day we can be together again!  Living life as they would want us to.  Taking with us all that we learned from them...

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