Trying to heal

[DeeP]

Hello. Iv wrote a few things on here before. I lost my x bf last year unexpectedly and it messed me up so much. I could not get close or feel emotional connection to anyone and anyone who tired I ran. I tried push forward as best I could but I could not handle anything serious because my heart was broken and became numb. Now I am seeing someone who never pressured me into anything and that made me more comfortable that now we are together. I battle a lot in my head feeling like I am betraying mt x who passed . I feel like a horrible at times. I am trying to adjust to a new relationship and it’s just been alot internally that my current partner has no idea I deal with. Any advice .. anyone else ever feel this way after trying to move on from a partner who passed? It really sucks. 

[MartyT]

My dear, the feelings you describe are not unusual, and I hope you'll hear from others whose experiences are similar to your own. The good news is that we humans have an infinite capacity to love, and if we so choose and if we are ready, our hearts most certainly are big enough to expand and make room to hold another. 

In this article you'll find a number of resources that I'm hoping you''ll find helpful: In Grief: Finding New Love After The Death of A Spouse ❤️

[kayc]

You are not betraying anyone, and it sounds like you've found a good person, I hope you don't push him away.  It would help for him to learn all he can about grief so he can understand that your grieving someone else isn't a personal affront to him, it's not a competition...it has a beginning but no ending, but does change form.  I hope you'll update us how it goes, it's good to get some good updates!

 

[DeeP]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

You are not betraying anyone, and it sounds like you've found a good person, I hope you don't push him away.  It would help for him to learn all he can about grief so he can understand that your grieving someone else isn't a personal affront to him, it's not a competition...it has a beginning but no ending, but does change form.  I hope you'll update us how it goes, it's good to get some good updates!

 

Thank you for this! Yeah he is good. I don’t want to push him away but the more serious he starts to get with me the more anxiety I feel. I don’t know if it’s him or I would be this way with anyone due to just the emotional closeness. The last time I was close to someone he left this world and I guess I’m just scarred from it all. I’m trying to work through this because i won’t be able to fully be invested with someone as to having a life with them until I figure it out. It just sucks this mind battle I have inside. I know I want love but I also run when I find it due to that uncomfortable feeling. & the thought of having to move on from my partner who passed it feels wrong idk

[MartyT]

The video Kay shared includes a discussion of Complicated Grief, now known as Prolonged Grief Disorder or PGD. (See What Is Complicated Grief?) 

1 hour ago, DeeP said:

I’m trying to work through this because i won’t be able to fully be invested with someone as to having a life with them until I figure it out. It just sucks this mind battle I have inside. I know I want love but I also run when I find it due to that uncomfortable feeling. & the thought of having to move on from my partner who passed it feels wrong idk

Clearly these "uncomfortable feelings" are getting in the way of your finding love again. That's an important insight, and if you continue to feel "stuck" this way, I encourage you to find a qualified grief counselor who can help you sort through all of this, come to a better understanding of yourself, and find a way to get on with your life. Think of it as a gift you can give yourself. You deserve it, and you most certainly are worth it. ❤️

[kayc]

Grief specialist

[DeeP]

On 6/20/2022 at 12:59 PM, kayc said:

Grief specialist

Thank you! Update guys… it’s been bad. He is a bit controlling and narcissistic in a bad way. Losing my partner unexpectedly made me cherish relationships more you know. I don’t want to fight and argue over silly things. He’s jealous and insecure and  anything I do he doesn’t trust me. Iv cried so much because I opened my heart up after losing my ex which was hard. Iv told him I’m loyal to him, and with him only and he doesn’t believe it. I’m not perfect but Iv been trying my hardest but I also don’t enjoy being disrespected constantly. I’m just really sad… and hurt. I feared getting close to someone and this is why… 

[MartyT]

Controlling. Narcissistic. Argumentative. Jealous. Insecure. Doesn't Trust Me. Doesn't Believe Me. Constantly Disrespectful.

Is this really a list of the sort of traits you want in a new partner? Maybe you're finding it hard to love him because he is not worthy of your love . . . 

[DeeP]

9 hours ago, MartyT said:

Controlling. Narcissistic. Argumentative. Jealous. Insecure. Doesn't Trust Me. Doesn't Believe Me. Constantly Disrespectful.

Is this really a list of the sort of traits you want in a new partner? Maybe you're finding it hard to love him because he is not worthy of your love . . . 

I do think that. The growth I have mentally endured by the loss I experienced shifted my perspective on a lot. & i reflected for months on my x that passed and how our relationship was, the things I wish I did differently, the pain and the love. All of it and picked myself up out of depression. I have been in therapy every week attempting to heal and learn myself more, attempt to feel that connection again and let that fear go. I don’t deserve any of the disrespect especially when I feel like I’m so much more mature and grown mentally than I was before he passed. It’s sad bc this man has the healthiest version of me at the moment and insists on making me feel small when I’m not meant to be. I don’t want a partner like that especially after dealing with such a heavy loss. I am still healing and as Iv mentioned battle in my head trying to move forward but it just sucks. Sorry I’m venting a lot  😕 

[MartyT]

No need to apologize, my dear. Venting is okay here, and we are here to listen to whatever you need to say. This grief business is very hard work ~ probably the hardest work you'll ever do ~ but you are doing it, one step at a time, and you are moving forward. Keep right on going! Good for you! ❤️

[kayc]

I recommend Boundaries book (Townsend)...

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Control-Walker-Large-Print/dp/1594150079/ref=asc_df_1594150079/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312443114357&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=5370456622017792384&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9033078&hvtargid=pla-568773240213&psc=1

It's more peaceful living alone!  NOT worth it, I've had husbands with these traits (used to think I had to have someone), NO!  Loved alone since my one sweet husband passed 17 years ago, believe me, it's okay.  Get to know someone well before a relationship and if they're not all that you need/want...go it alone or keep looking.  In the end, it's me I rely on (with God's help), while no man's an island, I don't want strife in my home or the additional hassles that come with the aforementioned traits. 

Dogs make great companions!

[Boho-Soul]

On 6/19/2022 at 7:02 PM, DeeP said:

 I am trying to adjust to a new relationship and it’s just been alot internally that my current partner has no idea I deal with. Any advice .. anyone else ever feel this way after trying to move on from a partner who passed? It really sucks. 

So sorry for your loss, and yes moving on after a loss can incredibly challenging. You stated you’re trying to adjust to a new relationship, perhaps the timing isn’t right. Could be you’re truly not ready or who you’re with isn’t. You said your current partner has no idea what you’re dealing with - solid relationships involve open respectful communication - just curious why you haven’t shared your history. And if you do if he doesn’t show understanding and support I’d venture to say he’s not in the relationship for you.

On 6/20/2022 at 10:47 AM, MartyT said:

The video Kay shared includes a discussion of Complicated Grief, now known as Prolonged Grief Disorder or PGD. (See What Is Complicated Grief?) 

Clearly these "uncomfortable feelings" are getting in the way of your finding love again. That's an important insight, and if you continue to feel "stuck" this way, I encourage you to find a qualified grief counselor who can help you sort through all of this, come to a better understanding of yourself, and find a way to get on with your life. Think of it as a gift you can give yourself. You deserve it, and you most certainly are worth it. ❤️

I completely agree with you MartyT, working with a therapist who specializes in grief and loss is always a wise choice. I read you are seeing a therapist weekly DeeP, so glad to hear that as it’s a vital part of working through grief and loss.

21 hours ago, DeeP said:

Thank you! Update guys… it’s been bad. He is a bit controlling and narcissistic in a bad way. Losing my partner unexpectedly made me cherish relationships more you know. I don’t want to fight and argue over silly things. He’s jealous and insecure and  anything I do he doesn’t trust me. Iv cried so much because I opened my heart up after losing my ex which was hard. Iv told him I’m loyal to him, and with him only and he doesn’t believe it. I’m not perfect but Iv been trying my hardest but I also don’t enjoy being disrespected constantly. I’m just really sad… and hurt. I feared getting close to someone and this is why… 

19 hours ago, MartyT said:

Controlling. Narcissistic. Argumentative. Jealous. Insecure. Doesn't Trust Me. Doesn't Believe Me. Constantly Disrespectful.

Is this really a list of the sort of traits you want in a new partner? Maybe you're finding it hard to love him because he is not worthy of your love . . . 

This relationship doesn’t sound healthy as the above listed traits are huge flags 🚩 

10 hours ago, DeeP said:

I don’t deserve any of the disrespect especially when I feel like I’m so much more mature and grown mentally than I was before he passed. It’s sad bc this man has the healthiest version of me at the moment and insists on making me feel small when I’m not meant to be. I don’t want a partner like that especially after dealing with such a heavy loss. I am still healing and as Iv mentioned battle in my head trying to move forward but it just sucks. Sorry I’m venting a lot  😕 

With the above list of traits, does this guy ‘really’ have a healthy version of you, and your relationship?
You said you’re still healing, perhaps that’s an indication that you’re not quite ready to venture into a new relationship.

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I recommend Boundaries book (Townsend)...

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Control-Walker-Large-Print/dp/1594150079/ref=asc_df_1594150079/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312443114357&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=5370456622017792384&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9033078&hvtargid=pla-568773240213&psc=1

It's more peaceful living alone!  NOT worth it, I've had husbands with these traits (used to think I had to have someone), NO!  Loved alone since my one sweet husband passed 17 years ago, believe me, it's okay.  Get to know someone well before a relationship and if they're not all that you need/want...go it alone or keep looking.  In the end, it's me I rely on (with God's help), while no man's an island, I don't want strife in my home or the additional hassles that come with the aforementioned traits. 

Dogs make great companions!

You’ve hit the bullseye when you mention boundaries kayc. 
And yes, living with someone with any red flags is never worth it. I too want to move on and feel very lonely at times, wishing I had another somebody, but one needs to be in a very healthy space to do so. As kayc said, if they aren’t what you need - go it alone.

Here’s a visual, you’re sitting in a boat and the water is life. Of course there will be waves and currents that make the ride bumpy. But if you share your boat with someone and they start rocking the boat, causing waves, or worse creating storms, the boat may capsize. You don’t want to look back 5, 10 years and realize you’ve been treading water just to keep your head above the waves.

Get to a place that you are mentally strong enough to do life alone, and create an amazing life for yourself. Then if someone comes into your life they need to compliment or improve your already amazing life, otherwise it just isn’t worth it.

[Gwenivere]

I’ve been following this and found I have no interest in finding anyone else.  I’m going on 8 years since losing him and had one opportunity I knew wasn’t worth it nor what I wanted.  I’d love the companionship, but i also know no one could come close to what I need.  It sounds like you were divorced before he died?  I know that doesn’t mean you didn’t still love him.  I’m confused if it’s the new guy that has all the bad characteristics you listed.  No one should be around a person like that.  I’m a firm believer in therapy.  I hope it keeps helping you discover more about yourself.  
 

[nashreed]

On the other side of life- I have interest in another relationship, but it's never going to happen. I miss the companionship so much. It's amazing how bored I get now- I never used to be bored with Annette. She always kept me engaged and thinking and laughing, even when she was in massive pain. 

It just really seems like it's so much easier for a woman to find another relationship if they want one. Even my 85 year old Mom with no teeth could get a man if she wanted, I'm sure. I have love and companionship, but not money or security or anything that women want. I wish I didn't have the anxiety that prevents me from getting out of this rut that I'm in. I wish I didn't feel like I need someone in my life. It would be a lot easier if I had never had a great 30 year relationship/marriage. 

[Boho-Soul]

41 minutes ago, nashreed said:

 It would be a lot easier if I had never had a great 30 year relationship/marriage. 

Count your blessings, seriously! Many only wish they had experienced a great 30 year relationship/marriage. If it was great I’m sure you have many wonderful memories to reminisce over. Indulge in those enjoyable recollections of your past.
 

47 minutes ago, nashreed said:

 I have interest in another relationship, but it’s never going to happen ...  I have love and companionship, but not money or security or anything that women want. I wish I didn't have the anxiety that prevents me from getting out of this rut that I'm in.  

It’s such a different world now. Many woman are quite independent, they have their own money/security and are just looking for love and companionship. Sometimes the security a woman wants is loyalty.

Perhaps talking to a professional about your anxiety and the rut you’re in is advisable, if for nothing else but to support your mental health and well-being.

[kayc]

14 hours ago, nashreed said:

it's so much easier for a woman to find another relationship if they want one.

Ha!  Nope!

[kayc]

14 hours ago, nashreed said:

I wish I didn't feel like I need someone in my life.

Big difference between NEED and WANT.  My "preference" would have been to spend my life with someone...hence my relationship with George!  But I don't "NEED" anyone!  I've learned I'm okay just ME!  Being a Mrs. Somebody does not add value to me, but it does give me someone to be with through all of life's good and bad.  IF they are the above-mentioned characteristics, hell no!  

Gwen, I gathered this is the current BF she's talking about.

[Boho-Soul]

7 minutes ago, kayc said:

Big difference between NEED and WANT.  My "preference" would have been to spend my life with someone...hence my relationship with George!  But I don't "NEED" anyone!  I've learned I'm okay just ME!  Being a Mrs. Somebody does not add value to me, but it does give me someone to be with through all of life's good and bad.  IF they are the above-mentioned characteristics, hell no!

Totally agree with you kayc. I don’t NEED someone in my life to feel complete or worthy. And like you, I also chose to share my life with my Michael. And at some point when I feel ready perhaps I may feel like sharing my life with someone again, but it’s not a need or a necessity for a well-lived life. If it doesn’t happen so be it. A good life can still be had being single, even after loss. 

[nashreed]

16 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

Count your blessings, seriously! Many only wish they had experienced a great 30 year relationship/marriage. If it was great I’m sure you have many wonderful memories to reminisce over. Indulge in those enjoyable recollections of your past.
 

It’s such a different world now. Many woman are quite independent, they have their own money/security and are just looking for love and companionship. Sometimes the security a woman wants is loyalty.

Perhaps talking to a professional about your anxiety and the rut you’re in is advisable, if for nothing else but to support your mental health and well-being.

Talking to a therapist about my rut wouldn't really get me out of it. I know you mean well, but I know the solutions. Easier said than done. 

I can't live in memories. Thinking about my beautiful Annette now, it's like someone else's life. I know I lived it, but it's like remembering a TV show or high school- it's not relevant to where I am now. It can't help me now. The more time passes, the more depressed and angry I get that my life was taken from me. It really is like I died and I'm a ghost that is in a purgatory that I can't leave- or a prison and when I really die is when I'll be released. 

I feel like a jerk for wanting another relationship. When my grandfather's wife (my Mom's mother) passed, he almost immediately got remarried to a lady in the senior trailer park who was a friend and a widow. And after she passed he did it twice more. Some people just don't like being alone. I wish there were some lonely widows here, but there's just Mexican families who don't speak English and all their annoying brats. You have to understand- I have my Mom and brother and that's it. No acquaintances, neighbors, pen pals,... no one. I was so used to saying "I love you" multiple times a day, getting multiple hugs, feeling loved. My mom abhors being hugged. She never says "I love you". My family is emotionally repressed and as miserable about how their life turned out as I am. So I've reverted to the "me" before Annette, when I was suicidal in high school. At least then I was young and had opportunities. I got out then. It won't happen again. 

If a woman, say in a grocery store, went up to a man just casually just to make a witty comment about what he's buying or the weather, the man will always be at least courteous or polite (unless she looks like Witchypoo). If they're single, the man will absolutely love an opportunity like that to meet someone or make a friend which could lead to more. If I were to go up to a woman, if I even look at a woman, it's like I can feel them try to think of where their mace is in their purse. It is not the same at all. I don't know if I meet someone if it would become a bad relationship, or a great one. I could make a friend or not, but I have no opportunity to even find out. Men just are not able to engage a woman the way a woman could if they wanted to. I see old men trying to flirt or make small talk with female cashier's and I'm creeped out. And if I tried online dating it would be a ridiculous disaster. My brother tried it for a couple of years, and all he ever got were Russian bots- and he has a job and money. 

So, every night I lay in bed thinking my situation is never going to change. I'm trying not to be suicidal, but life is not worth living without love, or at least friends. I just see no future. 

I'm happy for the folks here who can resolutely say they don't need a man or relationship to make their lives complete. You've had the best and don't need anyone else. Well, I had the best too but I still have this damn life I'm stuck with and I wish I could have even a bad relationship. It's a thin line between love and hate. For no one to care about you at all, complete apathy and no one even knowing you're alive.... That's worse. 

[Boho-Soul]

2 hours ago, nashreed said:

 I can't live in memories.

I wasn’t suggesting you live in the past, was just pointing out you have the blessing of treasured memories.

2 hours ago, nashreed said:

The more time passes, the more depressed and angry I get that my life was taken from me.

So, every night I lay in bed thinking my situation is never going to change. I'm trying not to be suicidal, but life is not worth living without love, or at least friends. I just see no future. 

Your actual living-breathing life was not taken from you.
All of us here are adjusting to a new life. It’s super sad you’re finding it so hard to move forward, and that you believe life isn’t worth living without external love. Hope you can find peace and contentment with some internal self love 🙏💗