Where Has My Energy Gone?

[Suzy]

Hi Everyone,

I am new to this site. I found it today,I think through Divine Intervention. My Mom died Oct 26, 2005. She had been suffering from Alzheimers, diabetes, heart disease, so many things. Even with all this, her death was sudden. I am an only child and I was home atleast every other week. (I live about 65 miles from my folks.)

On the day she died, I was late getting out of work and when I got the message, I raced home. I prayed all the way for God to keep her there so I could say I loved her and goodbye. She died five minutes before I got there.

I was very strong for my Dad. I made the arrangements,greeted and consoled family and friends. I guess I did what I needed to do. I went back to work; I am a teacher. I did fine during the day, but in the evenings. I came home and slept. When not sleeping, I cried. I kept thinking I would get better, but I'm not.

I thought this summer break would give me time to deal with it and move on a little, but I am still right here. I don't have the energy to do anything. I see all these tasks I need to do before going back to work and I am overwhelmed. I want to do them,but I just can't seem to persuade myself to complete the task.

Will I ever get back to normal?

[Maylissa]

Suzy,

I'm very sorry to hear you lost your mom, too. I lost mine in Jan./04 ( and then my brother in Feb. same year ). I remember how horrible the first summer w/o my Mum was, too, especially since we'd always had a connection with our shared love of gardening. I couldn't bring myself to do hardly anything, especially in the garden, and often found myself crying outside and feeling so darn empty and that existence was pointless. Now, during the second summer w/o her, it's not AS bad, but it's still pretty melancholy. I still find myself not caring as much about getting those seasonal chores done, as so many of them still remind me of all the years my Mum and I were each doing our own....and complaining to each other about all the work needed for house and yard upkeep.....terribly bittersweet memories now. And generally-speaking, it took me a LONG time to get any decent energy back again, and it still wanes with any emotional challenge. Having little energy is quite normal, though, during mourning, often for quite a while after a death.

People forget that ANY activity, including thinking and feeling, takes energy ( all we really are, in essence, are bundles of localized energy ), so when you're expending alot doing the work of grieving, which often surpasses anything you've ever done in regular, daily life, you can easily end up exhausted. And if your sleeps aren't great, either, you're already operating from a deficit. This is why they tell us to make sure we get extra rest and eat foods that are more energy-producing ( whole foods, veg's, fruits, etc. ). We need the reserves!

Plus, in your case, you were busy taking care of everyone else, before yourself, so much of that fatigue might also be coming from the energy it requires to push those intense feelings aside in favour of caretaking others. So this is your time to discover what YOU need, for YOURSELF, in order to keep healing from your loss.

Your grief is probably compounded from the suddenness of your mom's passing, plus not getting to say 'good-bye'.....things that require even more energy and effort to 'come to terms with' during your mourning. Mine was the same ( plus many other complications )~ I wasn't there; my Mum had many serious conditions, too, yet had just improved the same month she suddenly got another stroke, the one that killed her. Plus, you're the only child of your parents....While I wasn't, I rapidly felt like one after the ( also ) sudden death of my oldest brother, followed just-as-rapidly by a complete and total falling-out with my last brother/sibling, whom I haven't spoken to since Apr. of '04. So, similar in that I was left w/o any family members to talk to. It doesn't make grief any easier!

So you won't get back the same 'normal' as you once had, but you'll slowly build a new normal for yourself....but it can take years, so don't feel you have to rush yourself into anything. No, none of us want to hear that we'll feel terrible for so long, but it's up and down and every which-way, this mourning is and it's no easy task that can be 'completed' in a predetermined amount of time, or even a wished-for amount of time. It takes as long or as short as it takes, and it's all individual, even though there are many similarities among grievers. With time AND grief-work, though, things will slowly improve to a more workable level. If we're taught anything with grief, it's to try and have patience with ourselves and our own processes.

This is a very good place to come and help yourself work through those processes, those ups and downs, so I hope you'll come back and share more of your story with us. There's much info, too, on Marty's site, that will help you sort through your feelings and symptoms and questions about the ins and outs of grief. It helps to find out you're so NORMAL, when you can feel so crazy with grief!

Edited July 19, 2006 by Maylissa

[shell]

Suzy,

Welcome to the site. I'm so sorry for your loss. My dad died in Feb.05 and I am still exhausted. I'm also taking care of my mom and the house and everything, really, so that is taking its toll too. I'm so thankful I'm here to take care of everything for my mom, but it does add to the constant tiredness. I have just now started trying to fit in naps whenever possible and that has helped a little. But I totally understand your wondering if you will ever get back to normal. You will, eventually, but it will be a new normal. Try to get as much rest as possible and cry it all out, that helps too.

Hugs,

Shell