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It all hurts like hell.



It is an iced cold hell with no remorse



All of it


The breathing


The hiding still



The tears


The waking up


The absence


The silence


The numbness


The pretending.


The scheduled crying that falls off schedule every time



I'm empty


I'm broken


I'm all alone


I'm desperate



I'm still trying to bargain and barter 

With the unknown..


For time with you.


It took everything of value to me,

Therefore it will never answer me



I have nothing now, it took everything it wanted.


It's understandable why it wanted you ..


You are

You we@e

You're still


Amazing and the closest that I've ever been to what some call heaven.



Excuses me and made for me 

If I've offended ..


I don't know and want to know the proper pronouns for whatever something reduced, accented, or obliterated you 

To now.


I wish that we could have joint custody.




Year 1 is coming up really soon.


Day 1 of never is every second of every day



Today on a forum I had to protect the pain.



The thing that was gifted to both of us because we somehow deserved it.


All of it.



There was someone who inboxed me and basically called me a scam artist, and a plagiarist.



Asked me if it's all "legit".

Asked me if I'm "seriously"



Questioned and invalidating it at the end. .






I wish I was a mentally ill scammer off of her meds vividly reproducing day and night terrors constantly and consistently .... 


A determined person with Cipa that spends every waking moment inventing new ways to possibly feel. 


To end the curse. To laugh and scoff at their "Nevers". To bask in the pleasure, freedom and delight of finally feeling. To be angred, agitated, slighted, and offended to learn that a thought of lifetime of guaranteed pain would be in reality that fleeting moment. 



To be a scammer of myself who could be cured by taking the meds....



To be a "Dorothy" waking up in Kansas...



To know that it was all a dream


Would be wonderful...



But it wasn't...



But this pain isn't a lifetimes work and pay off of many trials and errors...


This pain comes freely .


Ask my smudged notepads from my leaking pens, and my blood and inked stained fingers...



Ask the water in my words .


Ask them what they've seen..




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Pay no attention to doubters, not what you need.  I'm sorry.

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