Lost my soulmate 3 weeks ago

[Kieron]

4 hours ago, jathas said:

When you are dealing with a spouse or significant other who NEVER feels well, has no energy or motivation, has nonstop health issues, injuries, physical ailments, and almost weekly medical appointments (sometimes multiple appointments in one week), it's almost impossible to have a life that you enjoy.

So true.  I am nodding in recognition of most of what you wrote in these last few posts because it's very familiar.  This was my experience as well.  We could not go on a vacation for more than a few days because he needed to be back in town for treatments.  Our lives narrowed to staying home, me working, him resting in between treatments.  You bet I was resentful, and I would be lying if I said I never took that out on him on occasion, but I've had to work on forgiveness for myself because we all have our limits of what we can bear.

[scba]

56 minutes ago, Kieron said:

So true.  I am nodding in recognition of most of what you wrote in these last few posts because it's very familiar.  This was my experience as well.  We could not go on a vacation for more than a few days because he needed to be back in town for treatments.  Our lives narrowed to staying home, me working, him resting in between treatments.  You bet I was resentful, and I would be lying if I said I never took that out on him on occasion, but I've had to work on forgiveness for myself because we all have our limits of what we can bear.

I have gone through the same experience. I worked outside of home. I felt frustrated and in the last months I wasn't able to manage it.

It took me these years of after death work to forgive myself. 

[Boho-Soul]

8 hours ago, nashreed said:

Our "social" life was doctors offices and hospitals.

As I read through this thread I could relate to the theme of caring for an unhealthy spouse.

When my Michael began to neglect his health, I would often say, “I need you to take care of my husband.” He’d laugh and say, “I know.” He started to have heartburn and ate Tums or Rolaids like Smarties. He never went to the doctor until it became really bad. By then it had turned into Gerd and he went on meds. But he didn’t take it consistently and didn’t change his diet suggested by the doctor. Then things got worse and we spend many a night in the ER due to the pain he was experiencing, so much so that I once said, “We’re going to the hospital more times than we do date night.” He saw a specialist and it was determined his Gerd had progressed into Barrett’s disease due to him not doing what was needed to properly treat mild heartburn. Super sad. I think it’s a guy thing as some of my girl friends mention how their husbands don’t take care of their health. It’s like they think, ‘if it’s not broken or bleeding, I’m fine.’

 

6 hours ago, jathas said:

I SO BADLY wanted him to get better so we could drastically improve the quality of our lives and actually HAVE a life again.  When you are dealing with a spouse or significant other who NEVER feels well, has no energy or motivation, has nonstop health issues, injuries, physical ailments, and almost weekly medical appointments (sometimes multiple appointments in one week), it's almost impossible to have a life that you enjoy. 

I can relate. Michael’s mental health issues got to be so bad, due to his refusal to accept treatment and medication, that our marriage took a massive hit. I found it impossible to have the life I hoped to enjoy. At times I felt like I was single and living with a withdrawn, reclusive roommate. It was just devastating to see him spiral down deeper in his depression. This is hard to share as I’m just trying to come to terms with this now, but 2.5 years before Michael died he attempted suicide. Worse thing I every had to do was drive him to hospital in the state he was in. He spend 4 days in the stabilization unit. That’s when he didn’t have a choice and was put on meds. It’s like I lost him twice, once by illness, then by life. He died to soon 😥

[jathas]

1 hour ago, Boho-Soul said:

At times I felt like I was single and living with a withdrawn, reclusive roommate. 

This is EXACTLY how I would feel so frequently!  I've worked from home for about 18 years, but my husband just started working from home 2 years ago due to the whole COVID situation and even though we both worked from home, I RARELY saw him.  He was always so exhausted and drained after working his 8-hour shift that there would be many days when he would almost immediately go and lie down in bed and sometimes I wouldn't see him for the rest of the night until the next morning.  We hadn't even had a sex life in 5-6 years due to his health issues and my resultant depression (and I hate to use the word resentment now that he's gone) over the entire situation.   Literally, it was like we were just roommates with very little contact or communication.  However, my love for him never diminished.  It just broke my heart so much because my husband used to be SO much fun before his health issues really started taking over.   He was spontaneous, funny, jovial, and loved to do things.  He was a VERY charming guy when he was healthier.  These last couple of years have been especially bad.   I hated seeing him constantly sick, in pain, and hardly ever feeling well.   It was devastating and I so badly wished I could make him better.  I would get so ecstatic whenever he would come out of his office or the bedroom and actually talk to me and not be so grumpy and irritable because of his misery.  Those moments during these last couple of years really meant the most to me, because it was really all that we had left.

[Boho-Soul]

42 minutes ago, jathas said:

my love for him never diminished.  It just broke my heart so much because my husband used to be SO much fun before his health issues really started taking over. 

Wow, it’s so helpful to know someone (virtually) who has experienced something similar. I’m part of a local widows group and none of them can relate to my situation. They all talk about their happy, harmonious marriages where there husbands where always there for them, doing things, attentive. This was super hard for my hubby. I’ve never talked to anyone who had anything other than a smooth marriage before their husband died (or perhaps they just don’t speak of it). It got to be that the main part of our relationship revolved around me holding him up, covering for him, keeping his secret because he didn’t want ‘Anybody’ to know he had depression. 

Michael was always tired, had extreme insomnia due to 14 years of untreated/unmedicated depression, so even when he finally got on meds his lifestyle patterns were so ingrained he couldn’t seem to change them. He struggled with connecting to me emotionally, communication was super limited and he would just escape into his iPad every night. I was so lonely living with him, because he wasn’t there emotionally. It also affected our intimacy which was hard to deal with. My love never diminished for my husband either - sadly his death hit me like a freight train and I was in shock for so long I now forget what it feels like to love him 😞 That’s the hardest thing I’m going through right now. That, and how his death has impacted me physically. When I think about the chaos that is my life right now, his death has literally touch every area, emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, spiritually, socially, my career (as I’m currently on medical disability leave), my purpose and life vision to move forward in life, and my core self - like, I think, “Who am I now?”

I feel I’ve fundamentally changed. I don’t think the same, and the rhythm of my life has changed. I find it hard to have or create a new rhythm to my life. It’s like the movie to my life is still playing but the soundtrack has changed and it doesn’t match my life. 

[kayc]

21 hours ago, jathas said:

I should have INSISTED that he went.  I should have driven him to the hospital myself.  I will NEVER forgive myself for that.

Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Address Guilt When Grieving
I strongly encourage you to watch this:

 

[jathas]

11 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

Wow, it’s so helpful to know someone (virtually) who has experienced something similar. I’m part of a local widows group and none of them can relate to my situation. They all talk about their happy, harmonious marriages where there husbands where always there for them, doing things, attentive. This was super hard for my hubby. I’ve never talked to anyone who had anything other than a smooth marriage before their husband died (or perhaps they just don’t speak of it). It got to be that the main part of our relationship revolved around me holding him up, covering for him, keeping his secret because he didn’t want ‘Anybody’ to know he had depression. 

Michael was always tired, had extreme insomnia due to 14 years of untreated/unmedicated depression, so even when he finally got on meds his lifestyle patterns were so ingrained he couldn’t seem to change them. He struggled with connecting to me emotionally, communication was super limited and he would just escape into his iPad every night. I was so lonely living with him, because he wasn’t there emotionally. It also affected our intimacy which was hard to deal with. My love never diminished for my husband either - sadly his death hit me like a freight train and I was in shock for so long I now forget what it feels like to love him 😞 That’s the hardest thing I’m going through right now. That, and how his death has impacted me physically. When I think about the chaos that is my life right now, his death has literally touch every area, emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, spiritually, socially, my career (as I’m currently on medical disability leave), my purpose and life vision to move forward in life, and my core self - like, I think, “Who am I now?”

I feel I’ve fundamentally changed. I don’t think the same, and the rhythm of my life has changed. I find it hard to have or create a new rhythm to my life. It’s like the movie to my life is still playing but the soundtrack has changed and it doesn’t match my life. 

I think a lot of people don't like to talk about the real, raw aspects of their marriage/relationship after their spouse/significant other passes.  I loved (and still love) my husband with all my heart, but his multiple health issues that only progressed and worsened over time was extremely difficult on us and our marriage.  It created SO much stress.  There would be times when my husband would be in the hospital for days to a week at a time for one issue or another and would be missing work, so that obviously created financial hardship and stress as well as arguments.  Yes, I have a career and work full-time as well, but we really needed both of our incomes to make ends meet.  When my husband started working from home with me in 2020, his health started sliding even further downhill.  His energy and motivation to do just about anything became less and less.  He would go from his office to the bedroom and back and there were many days during the week when I would hardly see him.  He literally had ZERO energy left after working all day and frequently would be in bed by 6, 7, or 8 pm.  Even my parents (who are 76 and 85) stay up much later than that.  I would get so frustrated because I WANTED to see him and I WANTED to spend time with him.  I ENJOYED his company, companionship, and our conversations about any random topic.  He was my best friend and I was just so sad because of the state he was in and, really, had let himself slip into.  As a result of this, I, myself, slipped into a severe depression where I, too, had essentially given up on ever having a life again.  It drained my energy as well.  I know that he had severe chronic back and neck pain and had knee issues since he was very young, so exercise was tough for him.  I totally understood and sympathized with that.  He was actually in pain management for years for his spine issues.  I never once faulted him for that.  He did used to walk on the treadmill many years ago, but then stopped doing that.  There were times when I could tell that he was REALLY trying to get better and to live a healthier life, but these last couple of years, it seemed like he had just totally given up.  I have a video clip of him from our Ring security camera from 3 or 4 days before he passed.  He was outside alone and I saw him sit down and he just had this look of pure exhaustion and defeat on his face.  He looked like he had just run a 5-minute mile, but he had only walked outside from the house.  It broke my heart.  That little video clip of him really told the true story of how he was feeling.  You could read his face like a book.  He was done.  Now, I'm alone and would give anything to have him back.  😥

[V. R.]

11 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

fundamentally changed. I don’t think the same, and the rhythm of my life has changed. I find it hard to have or create a new rhythm to my life. It’s like the movie to my life is still playing but the soundtrack has changed and it

This all resonates perfectly with me. I don't know how many times I've asked myself that question: "Who am I, now?" I feel like I'm a stranger to myself, if that makes any sense. I feel that,  my kids haven't just  suddenly lost their dad at only 57 yrs old, but they don't have the same mum anymore. How can I ever be who I was before?

Reading yours and other recent posts in this thread, has  really saddened me thinking how hard it must have been caring for your loved ones, seeing them suffering like that. My husband, even though he was in the medical profession, never bothered about getting health checks for himself, as they say "doctors make the worst patients". He was also the type who  always  said "if you're feeling OK, no pain or anything, there's no need." He was a blood analyst and in his whole career he'd only taken a blood-test himself once, can you believe that? 

I just can't come to terms with how he could just suddenly have a massive heart attack, which he thought was just bad indigestion, no previous warning signs, always fit and healthy, and in a matter of minutes he's gone, just like that, I know I'm being silly, of course, this can happen and heart disease/sudden heart attacks  does still remain at the top of the list of major causes of death. So I wonder, does this mean, my beloved soulmate could have had an underlying heart disfunction that we didn't know about because he hadn't had a checkup for years?  He was a smoker too, but so many smokers live 100 years. 😔Why was my darling taken away so soon? 

Well, I just wanted to share this here, I don't talk to anyone about how I am, don't want to upset my kids, they have to get on with their lives. My parents don't understand, how can they? 

Sending you all strength and comfort, thank you for being here. 

 

[Boho-Soul]

1 hour ago, jathas said:

I think a lot of people don't like to talk about the real, raw aspects of their marriage/relationship after their spouse/significant other passes.

I empathize with you. So sorry your marriage had more challenges than most. Hearing your story makes me feel like I’m not alone with my scenario. It’s so hard to see our loved ones is such turmoil, pain, and ongoing stress due to something. And yes, it is hard on us as well. It’s sad to hear you had slipped into a depression, although so understandable. I believe there were moments I had low grade depression, but I would always rebound out of it, possibly due to ongoing therapy which helped me cope.

When he died I had such intense anger, I would stomp up the stairs shouting, “sh!t, sh!t, sh!t” every time my foot hit a step. I was angry and frustrated with the mess he had created due to his hoarding. I now had to clean it up, like I was now responsible for his mental illness. There was so much to sort through and clean up in our 2 properties, I call it his piles of depression. The studio is now cleaned up, but there is a lot of damage that I now have to fix up which just adds to my stress. I still have work to do on our matrimonial home too, which is harder to work through. It’s so hard to grieve when there’s these added stressors.

[jathas]

35 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

I empathize with you. So sorry your marriage had more challenges than most. Hearing your story makes me feel like I’m not alone with my scenario. It’s so hard to see our loved ones is such turmoil, pain, and ongoing stress due to something. And yes, it is hard on us as well. It’s sad to hear you had slipped into a depression, although so understandable. I believe there were moments I had low grade depression, but I would always rebound out of it, possibly due to ongoing therapy which helped me cope.

When he died I had such intense anger, I would stomp up the stairs shouting, “sh!t, sh!t, sh!t” every time my foot hit a step. I was angry and frustrated with the mess he had created due to his hoarding. I now had to clean it up, like I was now responsible for his mental illness. There was so much to sort through and clean up in our 2 properties, I call it his piles of depression. The studio is now cleaned up, but there is a lot of damage that I now have to fix up which just adds to my stress.  I still have work to do on our matrimonial home too, which is harder to work through. It’s so had to grieve when there’s these added stressors.

I totally get all of this.   Even well before my husband passed, I feel like I was already grieving and mourning the loss of our marriage/relationship as I once knew it.  That was a MASSIVE part of my depression.  I just kept remembering all of the good years when we used to always be on the go doing different things, going different places, being spontaneous and happy, having fun, and just genuinely enjoying each other.   One of the things that we loved to do for many years was to go to Starbucks and sit with our coffees.  We would just talk, relax, and enjoy ourselves.  We haven't even been able to do that in quite a few years (partly due to COVID, but we stopped going even before that).   I SO BADLY missed the person my husband used to be before his health got really bad.  He was AMAZING!  He was also sexy!  However, as his health continued to spiral, that person gradually faded away and I was left with almost this shell of my husband who was constantly tired, grumpy, irritable, rarely ever felt well, and was never able to do much of anything.  This went on for years.   I had never been so depressed in my life, and I know that my husband was very depressed as well.  It's not like he WANTED to be constantly sick and in pain.  It was like we were homebound and couldn't go anywhere because of his health issues.  Still, all that aside, I'd give anything to have him back.  😥

[Boho-Soul]

17 minutes ago, jathas said:

I totally get all of this.   Even well before my husband passed, I feel like I was already grieving and mourning the loss of our marriage/relationship as I once knew it

I initially saw a specialized grief therapist, now I’m seeing a general therapist. I’ve learned there are different types of grief. A couple I related to are “ambiguous loss” which refers to loss without closure, and “disenfranchised grief” which includes losses such as a pet, perinatal loss, abortions, loss of a body part, loss of a personality from mental illness, declining health or dementia, and loss of a loved one who is not blood related.

I totally get it when you say you felt like you were already grieving the loss - that’s disenfranchised grief. I call it a living loss, and sadly people don’t get it. That’s what makes this healing process to hard, it’s not just a typical grief scenario, there’s more layers to it. Then when you add on past traumas in the mix, which is the case for me, the situation then becomes complicated grief.

[jathas]

6 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

I initially saw a specialized grief therapist, now I’m seeing a general therapist. I’ve learned there are different types of grief. A couple I related to are “ambiguous loss” which refers to loss without closure, and “disenfranchised grief” which includes losses such as a pet, perinatal loss, abortions, loss of a body part, loss of a personality from mental illness, declining health or dementia, and loss of a loved one who is not blood related.

I totally get it when you say you felt like you were already grieving the loss - that’s disenfranchised grief. I call it a living loss, and sadly people don’t get it. That’s what makes this healing process to hard, it’s not just a typical grief scenario, there’s more layers to it. Then when you add on past traumas in the mix, which is the case for me, the situation then becomes complicated grief.

This is EXACTLY what I am dealing with.  I was grieving/mourning/depressed for several years before he passed, just because of everything we were dealing with as far as his never ending list of health issues and lack of ability to have any real quality of life.  I swear, one week it would be one health problem and then a week or two later it would be something else.  It was nonstop with very few breaks in between ailments.  It was like this for the last several years.  Because of this, my grief is definitely multifaceted and has several layers to it.  I felt like I had already lost my husband well before he even passed.  It was like he was just a physical body who was here, but the personality, charm, and intimacy were entirely gone.  He was no longer the man who I had fallen in love with 22 years ago and later married.  

[Boho-Soul]

2 minutes ago, jathas said:

I felt like I had already lost my husband well before he even passed.  It was like he was just a physical body who was here, but the personality and charm were entirely gone.  He was no longer the man who I had fallen in love with 22 years ago and later married.  

Whoa, I so get that. I hope you’re able to access professional help, perhaps a grief therapist that gets what you’re going through. Honestly, it’s making a huge difference for me, still working through stuff, but it’s so beneficial when you’ve got the right support.

💕🤗💕

[nashreed]

I am so sorry jathas. I figure I was lucky. No matter how many health problems Annette had, she was always trying to be positive- still trying to make me smile and I always tried to make her laugh. She would get so upset and frustrated and would start crying (which I couldn't stand to see), and I always had to cheer her up. I always pointed out to her that if she started crying, she would get stuffed up and couldn't breathe. So we could joke about it, but maybe I was wrong to do that and should have let her have her cry. She probably did when I was at work. 

The thing that was super hard was when she would go to (what we called) Woogytown. Because she was on opioids for her pain and she also had chronic kidney disease, and severe sleep apnea that we monitored like a hawk, she would often get super sleepy and loopy- slurring words, not thinking clearly. I was hyper alert to it and the stress of making sure she got enough sleep, making sure she drank enough water, was overwhelming. She would sometimes even hallucinate. That was hard to deal with, and I had to yell at her to convince her there was no huge spider in the corner so that she would go to sleep. The stress was every day, all day- and I would give anything to have that stress back. 

I took a closeup picture of her a few days before she passed. She had developed a rash on her face in a couple of places and I wanted to make sure her doctor saw a picture of it. In the picture, she looks so done. So just sad and sleepy looking, but just defeated and it's so so sad. My sweet angel just couldn't handle the pain and her weight and all her health problems. 

[jathas]

I'm going to post the video of my husband from our Ring camera.  This was from 4 days before he passed.  You can zoom in on his face when he sits down and see the look of defeat, misery, and exhaustion in his face.  The cane he was using was because of his diabetic foot wound.  It was so clear that he was done with it all.  It breaks my heart to watch it, but it REALLY shows me how he was feeling in those final weeks and days.   

[Sad_Widower]

Jathas,

Please accept my condolences as well on the loss of your husband   I was with my wife for nearly 30 years when I lost her, and like you met her when she was 18, so we are in this rough demographic of losing a long-time soul-mate while still at a fairly young age (I was only 49 when I lost her)   So to lose the center of my universe for 30 of my 49…well, I can empathize

I imagine everyone’s experience is different.  For me, I believe I found my one true love in life, thus I see no reason to “start over”.  I tell everyone who will listen, when she died, 90% of me died with her. It was the very first feeling that came over me (and I was holding her hand as she passed).  It’s been a few years since I lost her but I still stand by this. 
 

I too was in shock. For probably six months. Then the cruelty of this world set in. The visits stopped. The phone calls stopped, and I had to come to grips with the fact no one will ever care about her as much as I did. In fact today is her birthday, and not a single call from anyone on either side of our families.  I hope you have a better support system. For me, I am just unlucky, as all the relationships my wife and I had with friends and family simply resolved. No rhyme or reason for any of it…other than I assume they just don’t care.  

This is why a forum like this is SO important. It gives you the opportunity to speak with others who can truly empathize.

At the urging of my family, I sought out therapy. However I simply could not get over the fact the person i was talking with was still happily married and simply cannot understand what it is like to lose your soulmate. This is why I can only lean on and listen to others whom have experienced this, so I do hope you continue to post here and lean on us for support. We might be strangers, but we understand.

Finally, some good news. I am unsure of your faith, but if you do believe in the afterlife (and I assume you do based on your term soulmate) reach out to your religious leaders. 
The ONE AND ONLY thing that gets me up in the morning? Knowing (not thinking, but knowing) that my wife and I will be together again. It is something we talked about when she was alive. There were certain signs we even talked about giving each other if we could, and I can tell you with all certainty…I feel her presence.  It took me a few months to really achieve this, but I truly believe in souls, and the concept of soulmates. By that, with love being the strongest force on earth, I truly believe in the concept of two souls intertwining   This being we each have our own soul, and a percentage of that is blended with another’s, which will ultimately reunite us. 
i know it sounds crazy, but I am lucid in all other aspects of life, plus this is what most of our faiths teach us, so why not be open and discuss it?

Anyway, I look forward to hearing more about your husband. Every life is precious, and everyone offers something unique to this world and would love to read more about his life if you care to share with us.

Thanks

 

 

[jathas]

47 minutes ago, Sad_Widower said:

Jathas,

Please accept my condolences as well on the loss of your husband   I was with my wife for nearly 30 years when I lost her, and like you met her when she was 18, so we are in this rough demographic of losing a long-time soul-mate while still at a fairly young age (I was only 49 when I lost her)   So to lose the center of my universe for 30 of my 49…well, I can empathize

I imagine everyone’s experience is different.  For me, I believe I found my one true love in life, thus I see no reason to “start over”.  I tell everyone who will listen, when she died, 90% of me died with her. It was the very first feeling that came over me (and I was holding her hand as she passed).  It’s been a few years since I lost her but I still stand by this. 
 

I too was in shock. For probably six months. Then the cruelty of this world set in. The visits stopped. The phone calls stopped, and I had to come to grips with the fact no one will ever care about her as much as I did. In fact today is her birthday, and not a single call from anyone on either side of our families.  I hope you have a better support system. For me, I am just unlucky, as all the relationships my wife and I had with friends and family simply resolved. No rhyme or reason for any of it…other than I assume they just don’t care.  

This is why a forum like this is SO important. It gives you the opportunity to speak with others who can truly empathize.

At the urging of my family, I sought out therapy. However I simply could not get over the fact the person i was talking with was still happily married and simply cannot understand what it is like to lose your soulmate. This is why I can only lean on and listen to others whom have experienced this, so I do hope you continue to post here and lean on us for support. We might be strangers, but we understand.

Finally, some good news. I am unsure of your faith, but if you do believe in the afterlife (and I assume you do based on your term soulmate) reach out to your religious leaders. 
The ONE AND ONLY thing that gets me up in the morning? Knowing (not thinking, but knowing) that my wife and I will be together again. It is something we talked about when she was alive. There were certain signs we even talked about giving each other if we could, and I can tell you with all certainty…I feel her presence.  It took me a few months to really achieve this, but I truly believe in souls, and the concept of soulmates. By that, with love being the strongest force on earth, I truly believe in the concept of two souls intertwining   This being we each have our own soul, and a percentage of that is blended with another’s, which will ultimately reunite us. 
i know it sounds crazy, but I am lucid in all other aspects of life, plus this is what most of our faiths teach us, so why not be open and discuss it?

Anyway, I look forward to hearing more about your husband. Every life is precious, and everyone offers something unique to this world and would love to read more about his life if you care to share with us.

Thanks

 

 

Thank you so much!  Yes, it's extremely difficult to lose a spouse (especially who you feel is your soulmate) at any age, but I NEVER in my wildest dreams expected to become at widow at only 40 years old.  The possibility just never even crossed my mind.  I always thought we would grow old together.  Obviously, since he was 11 years older than me, was a smoker (which I am not), and had many health issues, I was always fairly sure that he would go before me, but not for many more years!  My husband hadn't even been 52 for a month when he passed.  He turned 52 on June 4th and passed on June 28th.  Even his own mother, who had EVERY SINGLE health issue that my husband had and WAS in a wheelchair for many years due to losing her leg to diabetes (which was where my husband was headed) lived to be almost 70, so losing my husband when he was only 52 years old wasn't even in my wildest dreams.   It was like the hardest punch in the face you could ever receive.  It has been almost a month since he passed, yet I feel like time has frozen and I'm still stuck in that day that I lost him.  It's the worst feeling in the world.  Nothing seems normal anymore.  My entire life has been turned upside down.  I went from being an 18-year-old kid fresh out of high school and still living at home with my parents to meeting and being with my husband, so I've NEVER been alone.  I literally moved in with him within about a month of us meeting.  The longest we were ever apart during the 22 years that we were together was when he had to go to New Mexico for work for 2 weeks back in 2015, but at least during those 2 weeks we were in constant contact through phone calls, text messages, and Facetime.   Aside from that, we were really never apart.  I totally resonate with the statement about feeling like 90% of you died, because that is EXACTLY how I feel right now.  My husband was my entire support system and we just always had each other's backs and would do anything for each other, no matter what.  We had such a strong, unconditional love.  I don't know how to adjust to not having that.  😥

I feel the same way about talking to a therapist who has never been through something like this themselves.  They may want to help, but until one has been through and experienced the tragic loss of a spouse/significant other/soulmate, there is just no way they can understand.  Thankfully, my husband and I have the most amazing mutual best friend who has been our best friend for 21 years (since my husband and I had only been together for a year).  She has always been more like family to us and she knows both of us inside and out.  She also has experienced A LOT of loss in her family and has a great deal of experience with grief.  Ever since the day my husband passed, she has been coming over every single night after work to talk and cry.  Both my husband and I were/are her absolute best friends.  My husband was almost like a younger brother to her.  I also have my parents, who try to be as supportive as they can and also come over, but again, they have never been through this, so don't truly understand the pain.  Since he passed, I've had many of my husband's old co-workers reach out to me on Facebook and tell me how lovingly he always talked about me and how clear he made it how in love with me he was and how proud he was to have me.  One woman even said, "I've never heard any man talk about his wife the way that he talked about you."  Those messages mean so much to me.

[Kieron]

Again, all too familiar.  I have a picture of us on my phone of his birthday dinner.  He looks like he was fraying at the edges, barely hanging on.  And that was a good six months before he died.  That look of defeat is real.  People just get to a point where they are just "over it," I guess.

[jathas]

23 minutes ago, Kieron said:

Again, all too familiar.  I have a picture of us on my phone of his birthday dinner.  He looks like he was fraying at the edges, barely hanging on.  And that was a good six months before he died.  That look of defeat is real.  People just get to a point where they are just "over it," I guess.

That's exactly how my husband was.  He was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes around 2003 when he was in his early 30s, so he was dealing with that for almost 20 years.  He finally ended up getting an insulin pump a year or two ago.  He also had severe spinal canal stenosis and a herniated cervical disk, which he was likely going to need surgery on because the doctor told us that if he were to fall a certain way or be rear-ended in a car accident, he was at risk of becoming paralyzed.  However, there was no surgical treatment for his spinal canal stenosis and he was on oxycodone for MANY years, which wasn't really even working all that much for him anymore and the pain was getting worse and worse.  He was a paramedic in Boston for many years, so he really screwed up his back lifting/carrying heavy patients and stretchers.  They had to be extra careful about doing steroid injections on him because of his diabetes (steroids can make your blood sugar go through the roof), so he was in almost constant excruciating pain.  Even just walking through Target or Walmart was difficult for him in recent years.  He said to me about a month or two before he died, "I just have to accept the fact that this is my life, that I'm never going to be pain-free and I'm never going to feel well."  It broke my heart to hear him say that.  I would have done anything I could to make him better, but it was just out of my control.  😥

[V. R.]

3 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

The phone calls stopped, and I had to come to grips with the fact no one will ever care about her as much as I did. In fact today is her birthday, and not a single call from anyone on either side of our families.  I hope you have a better support system. For me, I am just unlucky, as all the relationships my wife and I had with friends and family simply resolved. No rhyme or reason for any of it…other than I assume they just don’t care.  

This is why a forum like this is SO important. It gives you the opportunity to speak with others who can truly empathize.

 

 

I understand perfectly and agree with you that being part of this forum is important to help us heal and release all that pain and anguish which we carry inside us. I've also experienced the sudden disappearance of friends and relatives, unkept promises to visit, phonecalls stopping and simply nobody asking anymore. Nobody understands or cares, they're just all busy getting on with their lives. Most of the  people my age still have their soulmates. What do they know? How can they possibly 'get it'?. Then again, I often feel I don't want to see or talk to anyone anyway. Luckily, we live in the country in a big house, surrounded by a few acres of property, so apart from now that we're having over 100F temperatures, I can usually spend time outside, doing odd jobs to keep  my mind occupied.  When I tell my mother that  I only force myself to go into town  for shopping (when it's absolutely necessary, about once a week) or for doing tedious errands, she just says: 'but you can't keep doing this to yourself'. I'm NOT doing this to myself. It's just happened, I didn't ask for this. I get so irritated that I just change the subject. I can't believe that thanks to Internet I can speak to all my new friends here, thousands of miles away, on the other side of the world, and receive the understanding I need, hoping to help others too (although usually I sound so dreary😕, apologize for this). 

Dear Sad_Widower, I know birthdays and anniversaries are so hard to get through, that story about the candle is so touching. You say you are a believer so I'm sure your beloved wife is looking down at you today and smiling. Next month will be our anniversary and both our birthdays, I already know that not a single person will remember, and if I mention anything they will just say: "oh, really?". Or perhaps someone may remember, but not say anything so as not to upset me. I probably give the impression that I don't want them to talk about my darling husband, because I would just uncontrollably break down. It's partly true, on the other hand I get upset even if they don't say anything, it's a bit of a "catch 22" situation, a no- through road. Both ways it's hurtful. I must be so difficult to deal with. hate it when I just end up having trivial conversations about this and that, I think to myself: "what am I doing? How can we just chat like this about nonsense, we should just talk about my C all the time, and nothing else, he's still here for me, always will be, I have to believe that, otherwise I'll go mad. Ive never used my husband's  name here, just because I know that he always used nicknames when talking on forums in internet, so to honour his wishes, I feel I need to do the same. 

[kayc]

20 hours ago, V. R. said:

how he could just suddenly have a massive heart attack, which he thought was just bad indigestion

That's how it was for George too, and he was puzzled by it.  

19 hours ago, jathas said:

Still, all that aside, I'd give anything to have him back.  😥

I know, I remember feeling this way, not that I don't still, but it's been so long now I good and well know he is gone from here.  But I'd have given anything to have had him here with me, taking care of him, we'd still HAVE each other, you know?!

10 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

The ONE AND ONLY thing that gets me up in the morning? Knowing (not thinking, but knowing) that my wife and I will be together again.

Yes, it makes all the difference in the world, the one thing no one can talk me out of.

9 hours ago, jathas said:

One woman even said, "I've never heard any man talk about his wife the way that he talked about you."  Those messages mean so much to me.

Aww, that is so sweet!  It was clear that's how it was with George too...and feelings were very mutual.  I think a lot of people "settle" and try to make it work...which is altogether different from having that one real connection and having that special something!

6 hours ago, V. R. said:

she just says: 'but you can't keep doing this to yourself'. I'm NOT doing this to myself. It's just happened, I didn't ask for this. I get so irritated that I just change the subject. I can't believe that thanks to Internet I can speak to all my new friends here, thousands of miles away, on the other side of the world, and receive the understanding I need

Yes, these people are my true family, they are the ones I can pour out my heart to, the ones that listen and care...

[jathas]

I just woke up about an hour ago and stayed in bed crying while hugging one of his T-shirts for another hour because I miss him so much it hurts.   There is nothing more painful than waking up without him here.  Every morning when I woke up, he would be in his office in just the next room working, waiting for me to get up and have my coffee all made for me with a big smile on his face, usually saying, "Good morning, my love!"  He gave the best hugs.  I feel like a massive part of me is missing, like half of me died with him.  I don't even know who or what I am without him.  We were always a team.  We did absolutely everything together for 22 years.  He has been gone for almost a month (it will be a month on the 28th), but I feel like I have been stuck frozen in time on the day he so suddenly left this world.  That was the most traumatic day in my entire life.  Even my own parents don't understand what I'm going through because they still have each other (which I am so grateful for).  Nobody understands.  None of my friends or family have ever lost a spouse.  I've tried to back off a bit on posting on Facebook about my husband or how I'm feeling because I don't want to annoy or overwhelm people.  I feel physically sick and so, so alone. 

[nashreed]

I know what it's like to feel so alone. I feel it still, just as much as I did that first month, because Annette was the only one who really understood me, or cared to understand. I lived in our house without her for a month and a half after she passed, but at least I was where we had lived and it was our house and it still has that comforting vibe. I had to move back home to my Mom's, and I feel so disconnected from her. I think everyone else here has been able to keep and stay in the house that they shared together, and I envy that. It's a blessing. 

I know that it's so hard to get up every day and face it without him. It can be so overwhelmingly lonely at first. I stopped posting on Facebook, because nobody cares. I got cursory "hug" emojis, but they're meaningless and all those "friends" aren't real. We care and are real here though- the Anti-Facebook. Please know that you're not alone. He's with you, but just can't be there physically- just like the people here on The Forum. We can't be with you and be seen, but we're here. None of us are alone when we have each other here. I have realized and an resigned to having to live when I don't want to, but I have the folks here and that's comforting. 

[jathas]

I have a feeling that this forum is going to be a large part of my daily life for quite some time and I am so glad that I found it.  It's incredibly therapeutic to be able to write about how I'm feeling and about how much I miss my soulmate and what an amazing relationship we had for 22 years.  You guys are the only ones who understand what I'm going through because we all have that shared experience of losing a spouse.  I've also been watching a lot of Matt Fraser on YouTube, who is an amazing psychic medium and his videos give me so much comfort. 

Yes, my husband and I had plenty of ups and downs and plenty of fights/disagreements and tough times, but that's just married life.  It happens.  I think something would be seriously wrong if you went through your entire marriage/relationship where nothing ever went wrong or where arguments were never had and mean things were never said.  When you have such a deep soul connection with somebody, you can FEEL it.  You KNOW what they are thinking.  You can finish each other's sentences.  You so often say and think the exact same things at the exact same time.   That's what I had with Matt.  I'm not a religious person by any means and I've never really even considered myself to be a very spiritual person, but the one thing that I never questioned was that Matt was my soulmate and that we were meant to find each other in that AOL chatroom all those years ago.  

I may have already mentioned this earlier and I KNOW that it probably sounds a bit crazy and hocus pocus, but I'm fairly certain that Matt is trying to communicate with me through my wireless phone charger.  It's one of those cradle chargers that you put your phone on to charge.  It's on my desk.  When it's charging, there is a solid blue light on the front of it.  When it's fully charged, that light turns solid green.  When the phone is not on the charger, there is no light on it at all.  However, about 9-10 hours after he had passed, the light on my charger started flashing blue and green at the same time.  It did this for several minutes.  My phone was not even on the charger.  I put my phone on the charger and it continued to flash.  I took my phone back off the charger and it still continued to flash.  I did this multiple times, but the light would NOT stop flashing no matter what I did. I checked for a loose connection on the power cord, but it was nice and snug in the outlet and hadn't even been moved.  Finally, it stopped and my charger started behaving normally again.  Then, it happened again last weekend right after I had a vivid and emotionally upsetting dream about Matt that had me sitting at my desk bawling.  It happened twice on Saturday, once in the morning and once in the evening.  Then, it happened again several times last night.  Last night when it was happening, I felt a comforting warmth around me.  This happens at TOTALLY random times and without any obvious reason.  It just starts flashing the two colors at once for several minutes at a time.   Then, it will stop for a bit and then do it again and then it won't happen again for days.  I've had this charger for 2 years and it has NEVER done that until Matt passed a few weeks ago.  I even Googled the model of the charger that I have to see if there was a known issue with this, but found NOTHING.   Call me insane and toss me in a looney bin, but I really think that's him.  I've recently learned that our loved ones who have passed on often use their energy to manipulate electronics in order to communicate with us and send us a sign to let us know they are here and still with us.  Matt was BIG into electronics and gadgets when he was alive, so that sort of sign would be so typical of him.

[nashreed]

That's wonderful! No Looney Tunes there!  I envy that. After two years, I don't feel like I get any signs or communication from Annette whatsoever. Maybe it's because my heart is bitter about my circumstances (if you lived here you'd understand why though). Sometimes I think that the anger and resentment keep me going, because it's the only emotion I have. I can't cry. My family is emotionally closed off and I never get any love from them. My mom hates being hugged. We're just three miserable people who hate where we've ended up- together alone. 

I often wonder what sign Annette could even give me, but I can't think of any. Sometimes a song that will come up on Spotify will seem apropos, but how could she control that? My playlists are huge and expansive and she was not a music nerd like I am. She liked what she liked and that's it. It's still difficult to listen to her playlists, and I rarely do. It's just too hard. I have voicemails of hers, but I'm just at a point where I can't listen to them. They're so cute (she would often sing on them)- I just can't handle it. I feel like I'm intentionally blocking her from possibly coming through, with all my negativity. I lost her father last year, and we had a bond over hummingbirds, and I like to think that when I see them out my window drinking that he's saying "hi", but I don't know. I want so badly to dream of her and have some kind of connection still, but at this point I feel like she couldn't come through if she wanted to. I have no doubt we'll be together again, but right now I don't want her disappointed in me, and I feel like she is. I've just succumbed to the despair and she always joked that she'd divorce me if I became a bitter old man. I am one now. I'm sorry. 

I'm so glad that you find it therapeutic to write here. It's pretty much all I have and it's disheartening when it's a ghost town in here. I have absolutely no friends so this is my respite from this life, that and music. Please keep us apprised of your progress. It's hard to keep going, but we don't have a choice.