It’s My Anniversary and I Hurt

[Sad_Widower]

Hello everyone. 

As I’m sure most of you can empathize, holidays and special occasions are the worst. 

Today is my dearly departed wife’s and I wedding anniversary.  It’s funny as I reflect I would say about the final five years she was alive, our anniversary turned in to “her” anniversary. In that I would spoil my wife on her anniversary.  Ha ha. A few years ago I took her to Las Vegas. I had little interest in going, but she really wanted to go. We did have the time of our lives however.  We aren’t much gamblers, but we spent about five days in a nice hotel suite, went to all the shows l, etc.

I feel like I want to do something for her today, but don’t know what.  The first year after her passing I got her a card and placed it on her nightstand. However,  honestly speaking it ripped me apart inside to browse through the cards and sometimes feel I am torturing myself.  I was literally crying at the grocery store and it was incredibly embarrassing  

It becomes even more difficult as it’s her birthday in three days, followed shortly by the anniversary of her passing. So the next few weeks are incredibly trying for me and I just have to gut it out.  

My only hope is I am able to speak to someone from her family on her birthday.  I’ve always had good relationships with my in-laws but they have pretty much ignored me since her passing.  

[Gwenivere]

It’s so different how people grieve.  Your in laws lost a child so theirs is very different.  It’s sad theyy havent wanted to reach out to a living connection to her.  You are in my thoughts over the anniversaries washing over yu.

[nashreed]

I know how you feel. My wife's birthday and our anniversary are very close together in December. Nobody cares when our anniversary is. Not even her sister remembers when it was. Nobody wants to talk about the greatest, sweetest woman that there could possibly be. 

I really just try to think and remember how incredibly blessed and lucky I am to have been married to her. I certainly didn't deserve her. She was way too good for me. So many people never meet their soulmate. Even though we lost them, we were so incredibly fortunate to have met them. If I never would have applied at that specific fast food place (Taco Bell), I never would have met Annette. What are the odds? I know I will be with her again, and everyday will be an anniversary. 

I hope you can be at peace and remember all the happy memories today. On our anniversary, I listen to her playlist of favorite music and that makes me feel closer to her (even though it's not really my type of music). I try to keep her love alive in my own small way. She gave me so much love, I should have enough for the rest of my life- no problem. It's hard to access it a lot of times, but it's there. She's always with me. 

[MartyT]

Tips for Coping with Anniversary Reactions in Grief

Grief Rituals Can Help on Special Days

In Grief: Dreading the Anniversary of A Loved One's Death

In Grief: Remembering Is An Active Process

[Boho-Soul]

2 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

I’ve always had good relationships with my in-laws but they have pretty much ignored me since her passing.

Sadly I can relate to this. My in-laws are a small group. My mother-in-law and Michael’s 3 younger brothers all live far away from where Michael and I lived. The distance didn’t always help with creating close family bonds, but when we all got together for family events it was always a grand time.

I’m gonna share a bit of family stuff  ...

Michael’s 1st youngest brother initially contacted me to express his sadness, not really connecting to mine, which was understandable. During his next phone call he express his anger at how Michael treated him growing up, as if I could answer to or atone for Michael’s childhood behaviours. On the 3rd he just went on to lament about the mess his life is due to his upcoming divorce which he choose to pursue. I hung up and emailed him to not contact me as I was not in a healthy emotion space to deal with his unstable states of drama.

The 3rd youngest brother didn’t even call or send a card after Michael’s death. He lives in Budapest Hungary, but that shouldn’t matter as sympathy cards can be mailed from there 🤷🏻‍♀️

Michael’s 2nd youngest was super kind, understanding and incredibly helpful. Called me weekly to check on my well-being, helped with the chaos of financial document etc. But that started to fade after 4-6 months. Now it’s nothing. If I text I’m ghosted.

My mother-in-law is a lovely lady, super sharp, highly educated and has Hyperthymesia - an ability that allows people to remember nearly every event of their life with great precision. This makes for interesting conversations, however they often turn into what I call history lessons. She’s 91, sharp as a needle and has decades of info she must share with everyone she talks to. This is always the focus of conversation, so rarely will she ask how I’m doing emotionally, as most conversations are like listening to a history prof. Early on she listened and shared a bit of her grief journey as she was widowed approx. 40 years ago, but not so much now.

[V. R.]

It's so sad hearing about how your families have been behaving. I've had my fair share,too, with parents and in laws. But somehow, the opposite has happened to me. When I Iost my beloved husband, I hadn't seen my parents for months and neither my FIL because there had been very bad disagreements with them. Now suddenly, they've all become extra caring and worried about us, I appreciate this but I just feel like screaming out at them: "oh now, you care, what about how you treated us before eh?" It's just that we don't talk about my husband, we just talk about practical stuff, "their" medical problems, the weather, and so on. I'm an only child, my poor husband had another brother but he also died at 45 over ten yrs ago, so I have nobody of my "Generation X ' (like you say BoHo Soul), to talk to. My two grownup kids do their best to not leave me alone for too long during the day and evenings, but they do have their own social lives and I don't want to be a burden for them. My daughter kindly suggested to go with her, just the two of us, to an open-air concert at the end of the month (two of mine and my husband's favourite solo artists), but I said I don't know if I feel up to it. I can just imagine myself crying my eyes out throughout the whole evening. 

The following month is going to be heartbreaking for me, our wedding anniversary and both our birthdays. 

Sending hugs to you all. 

 

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your in-laws not being there for you!  Could it be they are so consumed with their daughter's death that they aren't thinking of what YOU are going through?  I know, no excuse.  My in-laws dropped out immediately.    Most did not even bother attending his funeral, of the other 9 siblings left, only three showed up and his father didn't bother even though he had a ride offered to him.  All but one lived within driving distance, easily, most only two hours away.

I realize I am seeing this too late as it was after I'd been on here, but I want you to know I'm thinking of you...I never have figured out the "good way" to deal with anniversaries...a day that had been so happy "before" and now...I just didn't know how to do it.  I'd say whatever way brings comfort and peace.

[Sheemie]

My on3 year death anniversary is coming up and I have been thinking about it a lot. I dread computer work but I want to go through our pics and make an album. I know it will be a tear fest but is good way for me to spend that day. I know how you mean about crying in stores, every thing brings me to tears nowadays...holiday decorations, neighbors relaxing in their yards, movies, anything that reminds me of them. Honestly I don't go any day without crying anymore. Grief is absolutely profound in how changes everything.

[kayc]

@SheemieIt sounds like a good way to do it if you're able.  You'll be in my thoughts.

[Gwenivere]

One year is a biggie.  I’m not sure it’s the worst, they keep changing and hurt in different ways.  It’s not a day we will ever escape.  A day created from what was a nothing day something profound.  An added ‘anniversary' we didn’t  want or need.   We can’t make it go away either. My mothers and fathers go by without notice now, but we didn’t have Steve and my relationship.  Do whatever you feel.  This is your unique experience with your spouse.  There are no right or wrongs.  I’m so sorry for your pain.  I’m approaching my 8th and I know it will be different but tear me up inside.   many hugs.  💕