It's been almost a month

[Sad_Widower]

Nashreed, I am having problems “quoting” you, but do want to point I out how much in agreement I am with your post above   
Yes, the loneliness is almost torture   In my case I went from an extremely social life to complete isolation in just days. Most of my friends are supportive, however they just cannot begin to understand and unfortunately there is nothing they can do for me, other than be there  To that end, I am very cognizant about not burdening them with my sorrow. Instead I let them now I am wrecked, not the same person, and frankly don’t see how this can ever change   
 

Finally, you are correct in that most/all of us were extremely fortunate to have the soulmate we did Although I am devastated I am in a demographic if having a long time soulmate I lost at a fairly young age, I know in my heart if I could do it all over again…I would.  I am confident my wife feels the same way.  We lived as blessed a life as I believe possible and for that I am eternally thankful.   

 

 

[nashreed]

Sad, I found that having a friend who doesn't understand this grief is worse than being alone. I had one friend from grade school who I reconnected with on Facebook, that lives in town. A great guy- no one else who I have as a Facebook "friend" who lives here could be bothered to even want to meet up for pizza. But, the few times we did get together, I saw his great life- beautiful wife and son, nice house, all the things I will never have again (though I never did have children). I just can't chat about superficial things, here about all his trips and adventures, and not feel resentful, and exhausted at having to act "normal". I never had to act with Annette. It's just less stressful and easier to just blow him off. I see his posts on Facebook- going to Disneyland and places with his son. I don't belong in his world. I'm like a troglodyte in a world of decent folks- a lower being who cannot partake in the joys of life anymore. They are not for me. I have no real interest in "fun" anymore. What is that without my soulmate? All I can hope for is to have one friend who understands this existence, this cursed life. 

[scba]

8 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

most/all of us were extremely fortunate to have the soulmate we did

 

My best friend, who was his best friend too and introduced us, told me at his funeral: "please forgive me". She said that it was her fault that I was in so much pain. Because she set up the first date and so on....

That thing stayed in my mind for years because I spent a lot of time trying to find the reasons why. I'm not alone in this, btw Joan Didion wrote an excellent book about that.

All I can say is that having met him has been the proof of the Grace from God in my life. I'm saying Grace not as a religious concept but a philosophical one. Many people would feel graced for the gift of their sons. You know what I mean. God graced me with him and I hope that means there is an eternal life when I will see him again. 

 

 

 

[jathas]

Yesterday was a very rough day, being the one month mark since my husband's sudden passing.  It was filled with a rollercoaster of emotions.  I spent the entire first half of the day crying.  Then, our best friend came over in the evening (as she has every night since he passed) and we talked about my husband for a couple of hours.  She knows my husband and I better than anybody else on this planet.   She's been our best friend for 21 years, since the very early days of our relationship and before we were even married.  My husband and I had only been together for just over a year when we first met her and had an instant connection with her.  We all used to work together back in 2001 and 2002, which is how we met her.  We talked about all of the difficult times and the struggles that my husband and I had throughout the years and then, of course, all of the great times and amazing memories.  Whenever my husband and I would have an argument, we would both separately vent to her, LOL.  She knows us inside and out, so I am incredibly grateful to have such a close, longtime friend who has been there since almost the beginning of mine and Matt's relationship and who is more like family.  She adored my husband like a younger brother, but she also acknowledges his flaws (and mine) and reminds me that our marriage was not always perfect, especially in these last several years.

Even though I have our best friend and my supportive parents right here (plus our pets), I feel SO LONELY.  Aside from work, there wasn't a single time that my husband and I were separated for 22 years.  The longest we were ever apart was when he had to travel to New Mexico for 2 weeks for work in the summer of 2015, but that was it.  We were ALWAYS together.  I am terrified of being alone.  I have never felt so much anxiety and fear in my entire life.  Now, I'm even having second thoughts on whether or not I should continue purchasing the home that my husband and I had planned to purchase and had gone under contract on only 4 or 5 days before he passed or if I should just move in with my parents, who I currently live right across the street from.  Then again, I'm 40 (almost 41) years old.  Do I really want to be living with my parents and sleeping in my childhood/adolescence bedroom that I haven't slept in since I was 19 years old?  The bedroom that I was in when I first met my husband in an AOL chatroom in June of 2000 at 18 years old?  I've come so far in the process of buying this home, closing is on August 8th, and the house is less than a 15-minute drive from my parents and best friend, but I'm just so scared of doing it all by myself.  Thankfully, my husband had a fairly large life insurance policy that he left to me, giving me a nice nest egg, which I am BEYOND grateful for (he always told me I would be taken care of in the event of his passing), but it's still so terrifying.  I know (or at least I'm pretty sure) that my husband would want me to continue on with buying this house.  It's our dream home and my husband was so excited about it.  He was joking that he was going to put his HAM radio towers up on the property (my two uncles got him into HAM radio many years ago).  It has the perfect yard for our dogs to run and play and plenty of room for our new 27-foot above-ground pool (which we already had bought) and it was everything we ever dreamed of having. It's in such a peaceful location and the backyard is almost like a private oasis.  Part of me feels like I should still do it for him.  I feel like I would be carrying out our goal and our dream on his behalf.   I have a feeling that he will be there with me in the new home, because this was our plan and it's where we both wanted to be.   We sold our last home of 13 years in 2020 since we outgrew it and we've been renting the house across the street from my parents since, with the intentions of building a new home, but COVID put a huge damper on that, so we finally decided to just purchase an existing home.  We had been house hunting for over a year and we finally found this home that was within our price range and was perfect.  Totally updated and in the same town as our previous home (right where we wanted to be).  We even found out right after my husband passed that the seller actually was a co-worker of my husband's, who also lost her husband 10 years ago and, like my husband, her husband was also originally form Boston.   Coincidence?  Not sure.  

I'm just so confused and lost.  I don't have the slightest idea of what I'm supposed to be doing right now and it's getting down to the wire.  I'm overwhelmed and scared.  Not that there is ever a good time to lose a spouse, but this was THE WORST possible timing for my husband to go, right in the middle of buying a new home and leaving me with some HUGE decisions and commitments to make by myself.  I'm sure I'll end up going through with it.  I keep telling myself that I've worked way too hard to just give up and quit at the finish line.   Closing is just over a week away and I've come this far.  I'm just extremely lonely and I miss him so, so much.  I also relied and depended on him for SO many things.  He was brilliant and could do/fix just about anything.  I'm filled with fear, anxiety, uncertainty, and confusion and I need strength and guidance in the worst way right now.  😥

[MartyT]

My dear, my heart hurts for you as I read your story. I am so very sorry for your loss.

The best advice I can give anyone in your position is to be careful making big decisions when you are in early grief. Better (if you can) to make decisions that are reversible, that you can get out of later, should you decide to change your mind. (See, for example, To Move or Not? Making Decisions in the Wake of Grief .) 

That said, sometimes big decisions are simply unavoidable. In that case, it's important to find someone you trust who knows you well and has your best interests at heart, who can guide you and support you in whatever big decisions you must make. Given how you describe your close friend, it would seem that she is that person. What does she think about your proceeding with buying this house?

Even if you decide to go through with the purchase of this new home (which is, after all, presumably a good investment, and something you can always decide to sell later on) you might try staying with your parents on a temporary basis, to see how that might work for you (and for them).

And as I say in the article mentioned above, bear in mind that wherever you decide to live, your grief goes with you, no matter where you choose to go. ❤️

[scba]

Dear Jatas, is there a chance that you can ask for more time to buy the house?

[jathas]

8 minutes ago, scba said:

Dear Jatas, is there a chance that you can ask for more time to buy the house?

I really don't want to wait.   The seller is already staying in the house for 2-3 weeks after closing because she needs some additional time to move, so she agreed to pay me rent to stay there for 2-3 weeks after closing.  That puts us into fall and since I live in New England, it starts to get cold, we lose daylight hours, etc. and I don't want to go through a move in those conditions.  I really need to stick to this August 8th closing date.  Also, they already had to extend my rate lock and could only extend it as far as the closing date, so waiting really isn't an option.  This was house was something that was already in motion before my husband passed, so it's not like I just suddenly decided to buy a house after he passed.  It took us forever to find a house we loved and could also afford in this insane market.  This is something we had been working towards for the last two years and contracts had already been signed right before he passed.

[Sad_Widower]

12 hours ago, nashreed said:

Sad, I found that having a friend who doesn't understand this grief is worse than being alone…

I just can't chat about superficial things, here about all his trips and adventures, and not feel resentful, and exhausted at having to act "normal".

Yes. It seems we are experiencing the exact same things.I also feel, subconsciously, I become “resentful”.  
One of the final conversations I had with my dad (prior to my parents telling me to “get over it”) which alienated them from me, was when my dad was complaining about something very superficial regarding my mom. Something like “she takes too many pictures for Facebook” (or something silly like that). I remember I just started repeating over and over “You are lucky to have each other.” to where it got kind of tense and no one said anything back. Even though I am 52, I NEVER talk to my parents like that so I took a deep breath and realized at that moment, if my own parents, who were involved in my wife and I’s daily life don’t understand..no one can until they experience it.  

This is a major part of my grief Not only did I lose my wife, but the majority of my family  I would talk with my in-laws weekly, but now only talk with 1-2 of them maybe once a year   

i also think subconsciously, I avoid certain friends simply because it only hurts me to hear about the “normal life” they have, that I should still have.

When I walk my dog through the neighborhood, I will see couples my age, holding hands walking. Part of me is happy for them, and part of me thinks “that should be me.”

I think the best thing I can offer people, is to understand it can ALL be over, just like that. I often tell my friends, “if you want to do something for me, just be happy you aren’t in my position. Please just cherish your family and understand it can all go away.”  

I do think that moving overseas to a different culture, being 100% focused on serving others while mourning my wife will—at a minimum pre-occupy my mind from “what will never be.” I had planned to already be gone, but have run in to passport issues (long story as I am originally from Canada), but it does give me more time to save money.   

[scba]

Part of me feels like I should still do it for him.  I feel like I would be carrying out our goal and our dream on his behalf.   I have a feeling that he will be there with me in the new home, because this was our plan and it's where we both wanted to be

dear Jatas. From your reply I see that you are determined to buy the house. Please consider the following as coming from a total stranger to your life and circumstances: it is you who is going to live in that house and it is you who will carry out the plan. It has to be your dream and your project now. 

The loss of their physical presence means that. To walk this unwanted road of two becoming one and carrying out small medium and big projects for ourselves. 

I am saying this with my heart broken because I would do anything to have him back.

Ana

 

[jathas]

I realize that I'll be the one living in the house.  It just breaks my heart because it was supposed to be OUR home and our next chapter.  We had even already starting buying things for this new house before he passed.  I so badly wanted to share this home with the love of my life.  We've always shared a home together.  He already had plans to turn the finished basement into his "man cave"/office.  There is even a bar down there and he was going to deck it all out with his beer signs and shot glasses (even though he didn't even drink).   I just feel deep in my heart that my husband would have wanted me to continue in the purchase of this home.

I would give anything in this world to have my husband back.  He has been my entire world since I was 18.  Everyone in my family adored him.  In fact, I just got a text from one of my cousins and his wife checking in on me and saying that they've been thinking about me (and my husband) constantly these past several weeks.  Everyone is in complete and utter shock that he is gone.  He was (and still is) so loved.  😥

[V. R.]

49 minutes ago, Sad_Widower said:

are lucky to have each other.” to where it got kind of tense and no one said anything back. Even though I am 52, I NEVER talk to my parents like that so I took a deep breath and realized at that moment, if my own parents, who were involved in my wife and I’s daily life don’t understand..no one can until they experience it.

This all sounds so familiar to me. Luckily, I also still have both my parents, dad is 88,mum 84, but  I don't know how many times, when visiting them, I have had to 'grit my teeth', stopping myself from exploding,  grin and bear it, being close to marching out of their house, slamming the door, due to all the nonsense my dad gives me. I know I shouldn't feel like this, they only have me and my kids, I'm an only child (huge disadvantage) and they are starting to be less independent, needing our help. They just cannot understand what I'm going through, how can they? I avoid talking about my husband with them, I just get too irritated, I've become less patient than I was, can't tolerate stupid lamenting about minor ailments that are not life threatening at all, especially my dad, for example:"oh my blood pressure is a bit high today.....".  My answer to him:  "well, I'm thirty years younger than you and MINE is much higher than YOURS! How about that, eh? At least you've been lucky to see old age, not everyone gets a chance to see it! "

I don't have any close friends and nobody I know who has lost a soulmate in their early fifties, who I can relate to. Lately, I've become a bit closer to my FIL's second wife. She lost her first husband, over forty yrs ago, in a car accident after just 11 months of marriage! I was chatting to her the other day and finally discovered that she is really the only one who can  understand me, and I told her so. 

I agree, unless they've gone through it, No one can possibly understand what it's like seeing your whole world collapse from one minute to another, having lost the one person who 'got' you, knew you inside out, shared your existence together, going through ups and downs, practically breathed the same air.  I will never be the same person I was, ever again. How can I be? We gave our whole selves to each other, my MIL used to say fondly to us:  "You are ONE person", yes, she was right. So if he's gone, what's left? The shell. 

"till death us do part", we said in our marriage vows, well, I don't think so, I don't feel 'parted' at all from my darling husband, I don't want to.. he will always be with me, a part of me, l will never take off my wedding ring, that's for sure,and I wear his ring around my neck on a gold chain. 

Sorry, for my whining, I just need to do this every now and then, can only do it here with you all, I know you won't judge and will forgive me for blurting out any old stuff that comes across my mind, which may sound too harsh. 

 

 

 

 

 

[nashreed]

Don't be sorry for whining, V.R.. I get it. It's the afternoon and I hate my life. I don't know why I'm still forced to be here. I feel like a burden to my family, and they have no consideration for my feelings and I'm just here, wondering why I can't get my life back. I used to come and visit for two weeks at a time every year or two and that was great, but being here, living here two years is way overstaying my trip. I just want to get on a plane and fly back home- to our home. 

I so wish I could feel any trace of Annette here, but I can't. She hated this town anyway. I wish I could live in memories, but I can't even dream of Annette anymore. I just have stupid dreams about the stupid mundanities of my life now. I don't want to be parted from her, but I feel so disconnected from her and every day I'm more and more aware that I am so alone and friendless and Its the way it's going to be until I die. I can't just change who I am. How on earth do you make new friends? Nobody here even speaks English. I just want out. There's absolutely nothing to look forward to. What's the point of anything? 

[jathas]

2 hours ago, V. R. said:

I agree, unless they've gone through it, No one can possibly understand what it's like seeing your whole world collapse from one minute to another, having lost the one person who 'got' you, knew you inside out, shared your existence together, going through ups and downs, practically breathed the same air.  I will never be the same person I was, ever again. How can I be? We gave our whole selves to each other, my MIL used to say fondly to us:  "You are ONE person", yes, she was right. So if he's gone, what's left? The shell. 

 

 

 

 

 

I could not agree more with this.  Until you have been through the absolute nightmare of losing your spouse, the one person who for so many years you could always confide in, lean on, vent to, talk to, be your true, raw self around, be intimate with, feel 100% comfortable and safe with, and rely on, it's impossible to understand the pain and agony that we go through with this type of loss.  For me, so suddenly losing my husband a month ago was like a giant bomb going off right in my face.  My ENTIRE world has changed.  Losing my loved ones has always been my biggest fear.  I'm now living a life that I am terrified of and that I don't know.  I've never been on my own like this.  For 22 years, it was always "us."  I, too, am an only child and my parents are older.  My mother is 76 and my father just recently turned 85.  Thankfully, they are both well and my dad is VERY active for his age and still goes to the gym.  However, my parents just don't get it.  They try to be as supportive as possible and they are always 100% there for me, but they haven't been through this.  I am SO grateful to still have both of my parents, but I know that they just don't fully comprehend the nightmare that I'm living after losing my husband so unexpectedly 4 weeks ago.  Yes, they loved my husband, but he was their son-in-law.  It's a much different relationship and I also sometimes get frustrated with them.  I don't mean to, but it's just so hard.  The other night, my mom wanted to talk about work they are having done to their house and I was just NOT in the mood.  I told her I was sorry, but I couldn't listen to or talk about that sort of thing right now.  All I can think about is my husband and how unfair this is.   I feel like I've been robbed of my entire life and it hurts so much.

[kayc]

You know yourself and whether or not this is the right move for you...or at least you would if you had more time...it's honestly rather soon to know anything considering grief fog.  I hope and pray whatever you decide will be right for you.

[Sheemie]

On 7/26/2022 at 1:42 PM, nashreed said:

I'm so sorry, jathas. I know what it's like to miss hugs. I haven't had one since the day before Annette's passing. My father-in-law was good about putting his arm around me and was very sweet, but I haven't ever been comfortable hugging men and I'm sure he sensed that. 

I never used to be the type of person to need anyone.... until Annette. She changed me and I became "obsessed" with her. It sounds bad, but I was persistent, and that was good, because we were really meant to be together. We met and a few months later we started going out. I was so inept at relationships, and she had her own issues at the time, and she couldn't "teach" me how to be a boyfriend at the time, so we broke up. I was miserable and I pined for her and paced around the same basketball court that I pace around now.... thinking of ways to win her back. I actually had an opportunity to be in another relationship to a pretty black girl who I worked with. She really liked me and tried to initiate something, but I was too hung up on Annette. We actually went to Disneyland together (with another girl from work! Two girls!!), but I ruined it. It was a disaster because I was obsessed with Annette. I carried her picture with me all the time and I have it on my wall next to my bed still. Through much struggle and perseverance, I won her back and we were together for 30 years. 

I miss her so much. I'm now also the type of person who needs companionship. I seem to get grief on here, because I'm made to feel like a jerk that I would want someone else after losing my soulmate. I can't handle the thought of being alone like this for years and I am just in not in any position to have anything to offer anyone. No job, no money- I can't even look people in the eye. Nobody wants me-- I'm no one's idea of a catch. I'm sure you would have no problem meeting someone when you're ready. It's going to take time, but you have a great future ahead of you. Your beloved soulmate would be happy that you will have happiness again. He wants the best for you, I'm sure of it. I never blame Annette for her health problems and though she could have made better choices, I can't blame her for any of it. When I see her again, I don't want there to be anything but love- no guilt, no blame. 

Just take it one day at a time. I know my first month without her was a blur, because I had to put my tail between my legs and move back home. I couldn't stay in our house with my meager income and so I had the distraction of moving halfway across the country by myself. I packed (including 40 boxes of CD's) completely alone and a moving company hauled our life away, wrecking some stuff in the process. At least I had my mom to go back to. 

I'm glad you have a best friend to lean on. I never knew the importance of friends until I lost my only true one. Hang in there. I only wish you the best in everything. You will make it. 

Man, I just relate to your situation with grief. When my spouse died I lost our home. We were renting it and I kind of was forced into moving in with parent. For me that quickly became unbearable I don't get along with others well and decided I M never living with anyone especially in grief. No one helped, had to hire very expensive movers and put our life in storage. Now I'm stuck in exile in town I wouldn't want to stay. I hear a lot of widower move by family but move by family just reminds me why left in the first place because they don't really give about me and I'm scared because this is first time in my life I'm truly alone.

[kayc]

Wow, wishing you well in your journey.