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Hello all  

While I imagine one of the hardest events for each of us is the inability to share good news (as an example I recently got a new job making more than I ever have but it was extremely bittersweet having no one to share it with)…but I am curious if there are any normal intervals that are extra hard to deal with. Holidays and special anniversaries excluded. 
Are their days of the week, or times of day (day parts) that are especially difficult?
For me, initially it was when I first woke up.  For months after her passing, the first thought I had when I woke up was, “Damn.”   I would wonder “why am I even getting up?”  Historically, as I would wake and shower, she would get up and make me a wonderful cup of coffee, prior to me leaving.  Just making myself coffee would cause me to cry.  
Since then, it has changed. 

Then it moved to early evening. I manage a large organization at work, and am often encouraging those who work under me to cut out of the office early so they can spend time with their families.  They are often extremely appreciative, and I can see genuinely excited to see their loved ones and carry out whatever plans they have that evening. 
While I, on the other hand have nothing. Absolutely nothing aside from being with my thoughts. This is something I am diligently trying to change by preparing for my over seas move, involving myself with my church in whatever capacity I can, etc. I also pray—a lot—each evening and it seems to help. 

Now days, the hardest part of day is now…as I write this. That being, late at night as I try to retire and go to sleep.  
I have had an incredibly difficult time in sleeping these past few months, perhaps out of boredom, or more likely out of loneliness at this time.  I am fortunate to have my adult son (21) still living at home (I imagine if my wife were here, he’s be on his own), but it works as he gives me some level of companionship, and I take care of his needs so he can save money. 
Of course with him being the age he is, this is typically the time of day I don’t see him as he is more often than not out with His friends.  When I do I really try not to burden him.  Bless his heart, however, as he matures, he can sense when I’m going in to a depression and will often try in some way to bring me out of it, but this is a lot to ask anyone his age for a parent. I often tell him. The simple fact he notices it and cares is more than enough for me  it’s weird because he and I are SUPER close; however, my relationship is completely diffeeent than that of my wife. 
I could lean on my wife when I was sad/concerned etc. My son and I don’t have that relationship He can—and is encouraged to lean on me—but there is little he can do for me as he is still maturing in his own way.  Each year, however I think he becomes more cognizant and in tune of my broken heart, and is able to give me a little sense of support. 

So…this is part a lonely rant shared with many of you whom  I am sure can empathize.  Once again, just curious if there are any interval’d days/day parts more challenging than other for you. 
Thanks  
 

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Not that I can think of, but in the early times, it was definitely nights and weekends...that was the time that was OURS, and that's what was most difficult.  During the week we focused on our jobs largely, and we always talked on lunch break and his breaks in the evenings!  He'd come by my office on Fridays, smiling, with donuts for the employees.  Friday nights our time began and lasted until Monday morning.  After he died, that was withdrawal time. :(

 

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8 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

…but I am curious if there are any normal intervals that are extra hard to deal with. Holidays and special anniversaries excluded. 
Are their days of the week, or times of day (day parts) that are especially difficult?

Early to late evenings are the hardest. Eating the evening meal alone is hard, although since his death it’s not so much a meal as what’s easy to prep and eat. Some nights it’s just yogurt and berries, or maybe avocado toast. The loneliness sets in most after that, no one to interact with, to watch a show, go for an evening walk or just sit and share each others day.

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Late evenings and weekends during the pandemic.

 

It's been too long for me to relate but I have been there.  Days are less challenging now and I can easily go through the day and week with no grief bursts. I think my heart is gone with him and what is left is too small to prevent my brain to overcome everything else. I don't think of the time when I was loved when I make my coffee early morning. I don't even know if it was real cause nothing in my world says it is.

Maybe this is just another phase from the entire process.

Peace

Ana

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Tomorrow will mark exactly one month since my husband suddenly and unexpectedly passed.  We were together for 22 years and we are young.  I am 40 and he had just turned 52 a few weeks before his sudden passing.  My husband and I were hardly ever apart for 22 years.  In the past month, the absolute WORST time of the day for me is when I get up in the morning.  As soon as I wake up, the realization hits me that my husband is not here.  I cry most mornings.  Waking up alone for the very first time in 22 years is absolutely nauseating.  I literally feel sick to my stomach.  I miss the comfort of his presence so much it hurts.  I HATE being like this and I feel so heartbroken and angry that my soulmate was taken from me so soon and so suddenly.  

I'm only a month into this, but as holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. approach, I'm sure that I will be a complete and total mess.  Thanksgiving and Christmas will be especially hard.  We actually got married on Thanksgiving and my husband and I went crazy at Christmas decorating the house, getting together with friends and family, having and attending holiday parties together, etc., and now I won't have that.  😥

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I'm so sorry. There's so much I miss. Tuesday's and Wednesday's were my days off, and they were Uno days. She loved to play Uno. She was pretty much confined to a wheelchair, and there wasn't much we could do activity-wise. I tried to get her more active, but with her pain, it was hard on her. Some days she wasn't even up for our card game when she was in pain. It's so not fair. 

I get up in the morning and have my walk and talk with Annette, and it keeps me through to the noon hour. The mornings are quiet around here with all the noisy neighbors and brats, and I have motivation to do housework and get things done. The afternoons are the worst. I used to play music between noon and 3 when we together, and I regret being solitary and selfish- listening to it loud and she was a saint and rarely complained. Maybe this is my punishment now for not spending those three hours with her. Now, like some Flying Dutchman, I feel the most alone and useless and miserable during the afternoon still. 

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James, I don't think it works like that (punishment) although it can sure feel like that.  I think God's heart is broken for you.

Jathas, that will be tough for sure, I'm so sorry, I wish you had him with you.

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18 hours ago, jathas said:

Tomorrow will mark exactly one month since my husband suddenly and unexpectedly passed.  We were together for 22 years and we are young.  I am 40 and he had just turned 52 a few weeks before his sudden passing.  My husband and I were hardly ever apart for 22 years.  In the past month, the absolute WORST time of the day for me is when I get up in the morning.  As soon as I wake up, the realization hits me that my husband is not here.  I cry most mornings.  Waking up alone for the very first time in 22 years is absolutely nauseating.  I literally feel sick to my stomach.  I miss the comfort of his presence so much it hurts.  I HATE being like this and I feel so heartbroken and angry that my soulmate was taken from me so soon and so suddenly.  

I'm only a month into this, but as holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. approach, I'm sure that I will be a complete and total mess.  Thanksgiving and Christmas will be especially hard.  We actually got married on Thanksgiving and my husband and I went crazy at Christmas decorating the house, getting together with friends and family, having and attending holiday parties together, etc., and now I won't have that.  😥

Jathas, you really do haveme close to tears, reading your posts. I can imagine how hard it must be for you to find yourself forced to adjust to anew life. Like you have told us, you were only a 'kid' practically, when you met your love, I remember at that age who would ever think of settling down with a steady boyfriend, living together, marriage, house, responsibilities, etc. But you were blessed, meeting the love of your life, you grew up with him, you learned so much from life, became a mature young woman, with him by your side. I can totally understand you, I was 27 when I met my husband, he was 31, but I can honestly say that I hadn't had a real 'serious' boyfriend before then, so in a way, I feel I became a mature woman being with him, shedding away that 'girlish' attitude. I did want to meet someone and finally settle down, and then he came along, out of the blue. 

Cry as much as you want, scream even, it will do you good, and like I read somewhere, a loving relationship does not die just because one half has gone, your love you shared will never ever be taken away from you, and that special love will give you the strength to go on. Your bond is still there, even if not physically,this will help you get through this  "bumpy ride" (avoiding stronger words) we've all found ourselves on. 

Sending you comfort and a big hug. 

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17 hours ago, nashreed said:

get up in the morning and have my walk and talk with Annette, and it keeps me through to the noon hour. The mornings are quiet around here with all the noisy neighbors and brats, and I have motivation to do housework and get things done. The afternoons are the worst. I used to play music between noon and 3 when we together, and I regret

I agree, afternoons are the worst, especially now during these torrid summer days, barricaded inside, shutters closed down, living like vampires, only get a breather early morning or evenings. At least at other times of the year, I can stay outdoors on our land and get odd jobs done, now you risk your life or at the very least, a sunstroke, if you dare to spend time outside, even just strolling around weeds. I have to wait unti sunset to water my tomatoes, spraying myself with mosquito repellent, first! Only, at that time, the wild boars start coming out, but they usually keep their distance from human presence or any noise they may hear. We practically have a "heat" curfew, from 11am to 5pm, not wise to venture out, of course it isn't official, like the covid Curfew. Just common sense,really.

That's probably why  I've been feeling worse lately, not being able to keep my mind occupied, housework doesn't give me solace from my thoughts, it's the FRESH AIR that helps. We used to spend our afternoons getting on with our piano learning, our favourite was Bach, the first tune we ever learned to play together was Air on G string (only the first part, though) . I would never have managed it without him, I'd never even tried playing any  musical instrument before. I'm so glad I told him that, many times: "I surely wouldn't have got this far, if it weren't for you". Had a good cry and scream this morning while driving back from my morning errands in town, I had a long chat with my darling too, telling him I miss him like crazy more and more each day. 

 

 

 

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On 7/28/2022 at 8:42 AM, V. R. said:

Jathas, you really do haveme close to tears, reading your posts. I can imagine how hard it must be for you to find yourself forced to adjust to anew life. Like you have told us, you were only a 'kid' practically, when you met your love, I remember at that age who would ever think of settling down with a steady boyfriend, living together, marriage, house, responsibilities, etc. But you were blessed, meeting the love of your life, you grew up with him, you learned so much from life, became a mature young woman, with him by your side. I can totally understand you, I was 27 when I met my husband, he was 31, but I can honestly say that I hadn't had a real 'serious' boyfriend before then, so in a way, I feel I became a mature woman being with him, shedding away that 'girlish' attitude. I did want to meet someone and finally settle down, and then he came along, out of the blue. 

Cry as much as you want, scream even, it will do you good, and like I read somewhere, a loving relationship does not die just because one half has gone, your love you shared will never ever be taken away from you, and that special love will give you the strength to go on. Your bond is still there, even if not physically,this will help you get through this  "bumpy ride" (avoiding stronger words) we've all found ourselves on. 

Sending you comfort and a big hug. 

This past month has been the most difficult time I have ever experienced in my entire life.  Yes, I was just a kid when I met and fell in love with my husband.  Being only 18 years old and having literally just graduated from high school, the very last thing on my mind was finding my soulmate and settling down, but then along he came.   I never thought that going into an AOL chatroom one day in June of 2000 would change my life forever.  There he was.   When we met in person and after we had spent a couple of days together, I knew that he was the one and that we were meant for each other.  I did grow up with him.  Over the past 22 years, I've gone from being an 18/19-year-old kid to a 40-year-old woman and have grown and matured so much since then.  He played a large role in the person I became.  He was there for everything, the good times, the bad times, and everything in between.  The overwhelming anxiety of him not being here is overpowering at times.  Just like at 18 I never expected to find my soulmate and settle down, I also never expected to lose him like this.   We were supposed to grow old together.  He had his flaws and I have mine, but what we had was so special and I feel impossible to replicate in another relationship.  No matter how much we got on each other's nerves, what tough times we faced, or what we argued over, we loved each other unconditionally and always supported each other.   It wasn't supposed to end like this.  We had so many chapters ahead of us.  😥

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For me, it comes at various times of the year, such as anniversaries, or the month of July, or the angle of the sunlight which is the same on his birthday and at his death day since they're at opposite ends of the year. 

And everything you describe, jathas, is perfectly understandable and very normal and natural.  The anxiety is indeed very overwhelming because your whole existence was uprooted.  I wonder if it's what a plant feels like when dug out of the ground and left sitting there to dry out and wither.  I barely left the house except to go to work, in the months and year/year and a half after, and I don't even know how I managed to do that...

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12 minutes ago, Kieron said:

I wonder if it's what a plant feels like when dug out of the ground and left sitting there to dry out and wither.

A good analogy.

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