Do You Miss the Opposite Sex?

[Sad_Widower]

I have a question for each of you.  
Do you miss having the opposite sex in your life? In other words if you are a male, do you miss a woman’s touch? If you are female, do you miss having a man around?
My wife and I were very traditional, in that once we had children she focused on being a homemaker. Thus I became very spoiled in having meals cooked for me, our house was kept like a museum she kept it so clean. All my clothes being washed/pressed, etc. 
MOST of all, I miss being around a feminine soul.  That being, a women who genuinely cares about my well-being, is there for me in times of need, etc. 

While I am not looking for a romantic relationship, I would definitely love to meet a woman I can bond with, and care for in a non/sexual way.  Almost a sister-like relationship.  

Do any of you widowers feel that way? How about the widows on here? Do you find any value in having a man around to help with your needs, but in a no-romantic way?

I’m asking for two reasons:
1. To understand if other men feel as I do.
2. To understand if there are women (in general) who possibly seek a strong bind/friendship with a man…again of the platonic nature.  

Finally I will say this. The one thing in life I have learned is to never say never.  While I am not looking for a romantic relationship, and while I DO know no one will ever come close to the companionship my wife provided….I am self-aware to know you cannot suppress feelings. Meaning I don’t plan on, nor want, and frankly hope I don’t engage in a romantic relationship….I never say never to anything.  
This is the reason I would like to find a sister-like relation where we can possibly fill the voids in each other lives. 

I hope this makes sense.  

[scba]

It makes sense.

I would like to have a male friend in town because I miss having a male perspective and their point of view. I have two brothers. I don't have male colleagues (I work in education).

But I don't need a man, for being a man, to help me with my daily life needs. 

[nashreed]

Well, of course I miss having a woman around. I don't really relate to men and am not interested in "man things" (sports, beer, ...sports?). 

I don't really think I would want a romantic relationship, I probably wouldn't be comfortable with it, but a woman friend - especially if it was a widow- would be a blessing beyond belief. Unfortunately the chances of meeting one are slightly higher than being attacked by one of those crazy Japanese monkeys that are stealing babies. 

[Boho-Soul]

Yup, totally miss the presence of a man in my life. I don't need one as I proved that to myself when I was single, still, as you said sad_widower, you can't suppress feelings.

Having a male friend around to help with things, like mow my lawn, shovel snow etc., would be so great. And to have that male energy around, something that is so hard to explain would be amazing. Hanging with my female friends (which for the most part scattered after my husband died) was great, but the conversations were sometimes hard to engage in - like the latest weight-loss diet, or newest clothing style, or general complaining about whatever (often their husbands).

Male friendships are great, I've had some really great male friendships in my life (which faded after I married) and it was so refreshing. Their conversations were so enriching, they brought wonderful perspectives and I was lucky to feel that genuine caring they offered as a brother would. To find that now would be so hard. Widowers are few, as it's more common for men to die early leaving many widows feeling lonely.

I'd like to find a male friend though, one that wasn't like a guy's guy, like totally into sports or go to the pub on wing night to drink beer. But a guy who was maybe more cultured. It would make for more interactive conversations rather that talking sports, monster trucks or how much they bench press. Wow, just writing this reminds me of what I miss *sigh*. Deep down I feel I'd like to have another romantic relationship, and yes, I know it would be different, but it'd just be another adventure in the next chapter of my life. I'm so not ready now though, but the thought does linger.

 

[V. R.]

I understand you all. Yes, of course, we are human beings and it's natural to have a desire to interact with the opposite sex, not necessarily in a romantic, intimate way,just to have an interesting conversation with. My husband and I used to jokingly argue about whether a female could live easily a life without a male companion around the house, or vice versa. I would state that I could never live without him, he said the same and insisted that a woman can adapt to being alone but a man would find it very difficult. I just miss those hours of cultural discussions that we had at times, I don't want to boast, but my husband was really a 'baggage' of knowledge, I called him, teasingly, my 'walking enciclopedia'. He said it was because he had read so many books, on every single topic in the world. He loved it when way back in the 90s, "Sky" tv came along with all those documentary channels: Discovery, National Geographical, (especially Discovery Science), he actually influenced me in this, opened my eyes to so much I had just always ignored or taken for granted, and we'd sit there for hours watching them. 

2 hours ago, nashreed said:

Unfortunately the chances of meeting one are slightly higher than being attacked by one of those crazy Japanese mon

This made me smile, nashreed, we do need a bit of sense humour added to our sad posts, to help us get through our days. 

Thank you all for being here. 

[KarenK]

I think age and one's circumstances factor into this. About 3 years after my husband left, I decided to check out some online dating sites out of sheer loneliness. Definitely out of my comfort zone. I wasn't looking for sex or romance, just looking for companionship, conversation, dinner, a movie, etc. I thought it was ridiculous to pay a fee to find a friend, so I chose a couple of free sites. What a bunch of losers! Those in my age group or even a few years either way were only looking for hot sex with hot babes. It was eye opening, to say the least. I decided what I was really looking for was my husband and he definitely was not there. I just sat and cried. Being a few years older now(and a lot older than some of you), I've learned to live without the companionship. I'm not dead, just not interested. I also have the advantage of my son and grandson living with me to help with those "man" things when I need help. I know many of you don't have that.

[kayc]

Me too, Karen, I have also learned to live alone and not sure I'd want the complications it'd entail.

[Boho-Soul]

7 hours ago, KarenK said:

I wasn't looking for sex or romance, just looking for companionship, conversation, dinner, a movie, etc. I thought it was ridiculous to pay a fee to find a friend, so I chose a couple of free sites. What a bunch of losers! Those in my age group or even a few years either way were only looking for hot sex with hot babes.

I think if a guy says he's, "just looking for friendship", with the add on of "and see where it goes," on a dating app it stands out, because what he's really saying is he's looking for a booty call. My thoughts, friendship is not a scapegoat, and for guys to pretend it's their goal on a dating site is not fooling anyone. I think this would be really prevalent on the free sites as there's no real investment. To me it's a sign that someone can't communicate what they want and will lie to you. Don't say friends if you're looking for a booty call.  If/when I decide to try a dating site I'll definitely pay to have a profile on a reputable site, and I'll go on looking for someone interested in a partner not friendship. 

[KarenK]

Boho, I completely agree about the free sites. I think I just did this on a whim and really had no intention of actually meeting someone in person. I also wanted to see what the fascination of online dating was. I have almost no experience at dating having married the first time at 16. When we divorced, I was thrust into an alien single adult world filled with bars and a lot of drunks. Didn't know how to handle it. I met and married Ron. He probably saved my life.

I feel for those of you who are younger. The world is filled with scary people. Maybe it always has been. How do you know who to trust?

I think I'm safer alone.

[scba]

I have never been on a dating site or app. My single and divorced friends, many do. They tell me scary stories too. Some of them are dating people "without strings attached". They spend time together but then each of them are back to their business. Meaning, we are not part of each other's life. I find this to be sad, but I keep my thoughts to myself. Life is hard for everybody. At the same time I'm not interested in other's people, including my friends, romantic/dating life. It is enough to me to know they are doing well. But I don't engage in that kind of conversation and details anymore. Some girlfriend chat is lost to me forever. 

Tbh if I ever meet someone I would have to feel that there are many/a lot of chances that that men can make me happy. I have been hurt by people who I love in these 8 years that I am finding hard to trust new people. In fact I haven't made new deep friends since then. Those who are now in my life have been before. Some people vanished, others re appeared and got closer.

It seems that it has to be enough.....

 

 

[Sad_Widower]

Thanks for everyone’s responses.  What I am taking from this is what I mainly feel - and that is having the point of view from a woman.  
My hope is that as I engage myself in various grief classes/organizations I will have more opportunity for companionship.  

i might have mentioned, but only months after my wife passed, I had a falling out with my parents (whom I was VERY close with as I am an only-child).  They just refuse to understand the devastation I am experiencing which led to the fall-out (it’s them not wanting anything to do with me)  

i mention that as not only did I lose my wife, but realized my own parents stopped loving me.  It’s the most surreal experience I could have ever imagined.  
As throughout my adult life I was always the peacemaker among almost everyone in my family.  I was the one who had long talks with various family members when they were at odds, always being proactive in bringing them back together. Everyone  from my kids, to my wife and each child, to my wife and my in-laws, my parents and my in-laws, to my wife and my parents, etc etc. 

Now, the first and only time in my life I need their support for something they are all MIA.  I only have to accept the fact I am simply unlucky in this aspect of life. I of course still love and forgive them all…but it still hurts   Badly  

What I CAN do, however, is look at myself in the mirror and know I did everything in my heart that I felt was right.  I really struggled to understand how people (that I love no less) could be so cruel not care about how they feel about themselves.  Then I would hear my wife as she would sometimes tell me “Not everyone can be you.”

So with that, among my soul-searching I have deduced I would rather not have any support from my family, but know in my heart I have kept my dignity and behaved like the kind of person I strive to be (caring, supportive, etc( than vise-versa. One thing I can honestly say, for the past 30 years I have tried my darnedest to be the absolute best husband, father, and son i could be.  Was I the best? Of course not, but I tried…100% of the time. At least I have that in my heart. 

[kayc]

@Sad_Widower I am so sorry for what transpired with your parents, I can't claim to understand it, I don't.  I don't get how people can love you and not be there for you.  I think what you've concluded is the best, to hold true in your heart, and your wife is wise in her assessment.