Homesick

[Sheemie]

I am so homesick today. I long for any day that my spouse was here in it really even a not really good one. I miss our home. I miss the place. We truly loved it there. I would wake up have really great fresh bean coffee and get exercise clothes on and simply cross the street to walk our dog on the most wonderful trail while talking to my husband on Bluetooth while he was at work. I was so busy all day helping my mother in law, helping neighbors, making food, taking care of everything. I used to complain about it because I never hardly had time for myself and now that's all I have. Everything now is total 180. I feel like I am in jail, miserable, alone, no one talks to me, there is no where to walk the dog, have to drive at least half hour closest small park, the place I am renting is a mold hole and they absolutely will not let me out of my lease. I want to go home but I am afraid. Fear is what is trapping me.

[nashreed]

I am so sorry Sheemie. Man, can I relate. I am in a rut of just not having any purpose, but being afraid to make any kind of change to my routine- a real catch 22. 

I so miss our house in Tulsa. It was quiet there. It felt safe. Now I live back with my Mom, in the mobile home I grew up in, and it has become ghetto-fied in the years I was gone. So noisy, with inconsiderate Mexican neighbors with their umpteen dogs and loud La Cucaracha music. I hate it, but I'm stuck here. I'm fortunate to not be out on the streets. The homeless problem here is ridiculous. Rent and the cost of living here is so expensive. 

It really is like jail. Waiting for "mail" from a loved one from the outside world that never comes, because there is no one. Besides my Mom and brother, nobody cares an iota about me. I am not a participant in life anymore. Is that freedom? I wish I could give you an insight into overcoming fear, but what one really needs is someone on their side to motivate you- to kick you in the butt and give you a reason to change. It's so hard to change for yourself, especially after being part of a team for 30 years. If I had never had a relationship, a beautiful partnership, than I might be able to pick myself up and get a job, make friends.... But I haven't a clue how to make new friends in this day and age. The world has passed me by while I was in love. I'm in the same circumstances I was in as an awkward, painfully shy 19 year old, but this time I'm an old man at 52, and there is no second chance. There's just purgatory- waiting for it to be over, trying to distract myself from the utter despondent loneliness by losing myself in music, trying to rise above the gloom, but knowing it's all around and will never go away. 

Please hang in there. It's all we can do. We're all in Lonely Jail. Let's try to send each of us "kites" under our cell doors- hoping someone hears us. 

 

 

 

 

 

[V. R.]

10 hours ago, nashreed said:

haven't a clue how to make new friends in this day and age. The world has passed me by while I was in love. I'm in the same circumstances I was in as an awkward, painfully shy 19 year old, but this time I'm an old man at 52, and there is no second chance. There's

I understand this feeling, for me it's just mentally, because luckily, I can still live in our home, hope to continue living here until my time comes. I am sorry for you that you had to go back to live in a place, which it seems by what you say, that you don't like now  at all. At least you are not alone though, even if I know, it's not the same. Nobody can be a substitute for the love you shared with your soulmate. 

My kids could eventually move out, for personal/work reasons, as they all normally do, but I don't think I ever will.  I do sometimes feel I've been suddenly tossed back in time, but with the mind and body of a 55 yr-old (I feel more like a 100 yr-old sometimes). I fear that I will go into regression, forget all I ever learned, not having  my soulmate to share my daily life with, discussing problems, suggesting advice together for our kids, I'm completely useless now. If you break up a team, especially the guide, what's left? 

Take care. 

[V. R.]

11 hours ago, Sheemie said:

was so busy all day helping my mother in law, helping neighbors, making food, taking care of everything. I used to

Sheemie, I'm so sorry you're feeling so homesick, your story touched me. You hit a chord when you wrote those words above. I went through a long period, together with my darling husband, going backwards and forwards to my MIL's house (she lived alone,  20mins drive from us), caring  for her, cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, official paperwork, getting her to have a shower, she was suffering from dementia, did not cooperate and  had become very verbally aggressive. We wanted   her to  move in with us (lots of space in our 3 storey house), would have been so much easier, for her and for us. She utterly refused, we tried once and we found her walking out of the gate, saying that she would returnhome, on foot, if it was necessary!! We were forced to drive her back home. 

We didn't have time for ourselves at all, the stress was unbearable, especially for my husband. I could see he felt guilty that I was having to do all this for her, being female (she didn't have daughters), it was obviously less embarrassing for my MIL, and more  natural, for me to bathe and clean her,when she became no longer self-sufficient. I always tried to reassure him not to worry, these things happen. I'll never forget his desperate  words one day: "I can't handle this any longer, she's killing me..", referring to his mother. Imagine, how I feel now. 

I also find myself in an opposite situation to how I was before , watching the hours go by, days that never end, nothing in particular to do. I could find lots to do, if I wanted, but they are just things that can wait, not really necessary,and to tell you the truth, in my depressive state, I can't be bothered anyway. What's the point? Isn't it strange that we even find ourselves missing what we used to complain about? 

Sending you comfort and strength. 

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Sheemie said:

I am so homesick today. I long for any day that my spouse was here in it really even a not really good one. I miss our home. I miss the place. We truly loved it there. I would wake up have really great fresh bean coffee and get exercise clothes on and simply cross the street to walk our dog on the most wonderful trail while talking to my husband on Bluetooth while he was at work. I was so busy all day helping my mother in law, helping neighbors, making food, taking care of everything. I used to complain about it because I never hardly had time for myself and now that's all I have. Everything now is total 180. I feel like I am in jail, miserable, alone, no one talks to me, there is no where to walk the dog, have to drive at least half hour closest small park, the place I am renting is a mold hole and they absolutely will not let me out of my lease. I want to go home but I am afraid. Fear is what is trapping me.

Another reason I've stuck it out here...thinking about my dog.  I am so sorry for where you are stuck at, I hope it changes as soon as your lease is up.  So important to have a place to take walks...to get away. 

[kayc]

You guys are young enough to be my kids...I'm turning 70 in a couple of months and feeling it.  I was 52 when George died.  Time has a way of slipping up on us....turn around and it's gone.  Make the adjustments to your life while you still can!

[Sheemie]

Thank u

I know that I keep wanting to go home and I know my husband made anywhere we were home. And I know that he is not going to be anywhere I go so I guess I never have home again. The last time I felt this alone was right before I met my husband 

[Sheemie]

On 8/5/2022 at 2:34 PM, nashreed said:

I am so sorry Sheemie. Man, can I relate. I am in a rut of just not having any purpose, but being afraid to make any kind of change to my routine- a real catch 22. 

I so miss our house in Tulsa. It was quiet there. It felt safe. Now I live back with my Mom, in the mobile home I grew up in, and it has become ghetto-fied in the years I was gone. So noisy, with inconsiderate Mexican neighbors with their umpteen dogs and loud La Cucaracha music. I hate it, but I'm stuck here. I'm fortunate to not be out on the streets. The homeless problem here is ridiculous. Rent and the cost of living here is so expensive. 

It really is like jail. Waiting for "mail" from a loved one from the outside world that never comes, because there is no one. Besides my Mom and brother, nobody cares an iota about me. I am not a participant in life anymore. Is that freedom? I wish I could give you an insight into overcoming fear, but what one really needs is someone on their side to motivate you- to kick you in the butt and give you a reason to change. It's so hard to change for yourself, especially after being part of a team for 30 years. If I had never had a relationship, a beautiful partnership, than I might be able to pick myself up and get a job, make friends.... But I haven't a clue how to make new friends in this day and age. The world has passed me by while I was in love. I'm in the same circumstances I was in as an awkward, painfully shy 19 year old, but this time I'm an old man at 52, and there is no second chance. There's just purgatory- waiting for it to be over, trying to distract myself from the utter despondent loneliness by losing myself in music, trying to rise above the gloom, but knowing it's all around and will never go away. 

Please hang in there. It's all we can do. We're all in Lonely Jail. Let's try to send each of us "kites" under our cell doors- hoping someone hears us. 

 

 

 

 

 

It's been real hard week. I am almost at his death anniversary and I just wish I could feel normal, just one day, wake up and feel like me again. I lost my idk the word, strength I guess. Omg I hate where I live. My neighbors never come out of their hide holes. They actually complain that I go outside too often if u can believe that. My husband said live in the most beautiful place you have been and for me that's where we were. I feel too scared to go back there and show my face. Idk why and it is not like me to be afraid.

[Sheemie]

13 hours ago, V. R. said:

Sheemie, I'm so sorry you're feeling so homesick, your story touched me. You hit a chord when you wrote those words above. I went through a long period, together with my darling husband, going backwards and forwards to my MIL's house (she lived alone,  20mins drive from us), caring  for her, cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, official paperwork, getting her to have a shower, she was suffering from dementia, did not cooperate and  had become very verbally aggressive. We wanted   her to  move in with us (lots of space in our 3 storey house), would have been so much easier, for her and for us. She utterly refused, we tried once and we found her walking out of the gate, saying that she would returnhome, on foot, if it was necessary!! We were forced to drive her back home. 

We didn't have time for ourselves at all, the stress was unbearable, especially for my husband. I could see he felt guilty that I was having to do all this for her, being female (she didn't have daughters), it was obviously less embarrassing for my MIL, and more  natural, for me to bathe and clean her,when she became no longer self-sufficient. I always tried to reassure him not to worry, these things happen. I'll never forget his desperate  words one day: "I can't handle this any longer, she's killing me..", referring to his mother. Imagine, how I feel now. 

I also find myself in an opposite situation to how I was before , watching the hours go by, days that never end, nothing in particular to do. I could find lots to do, if I wanted, but they are just things that can wait, not really necessary,and to tell you the truth, in my depressive state, I can't be bothered anyway. What's the point? Isn't it strange that we even find ourselves missing what we used to complain about? 

Sending you comfort and strength. 

God bless you for all that help you gave

[nashreed]

30 minutes ago, Sheemie said:

Thank u

I know that I keep wanting to go home and I know my husband made anywhere we were home. And I know that he is not going to be anywhere I go so I guess I never have home again. The last time I felt this alone was right before I met my husband 

I know the feeling of wanting to go back to that home that doesn't exist anymore. I wonder who lives there now? I hope they feed the Cardinal couple that we had coming around. 

I know it's so hard to be right back where you were before you met your husband. It feels like it didn't happen. I have mementos, physical proof that my wife was real, but she only lives in photos, memories and in my heart. It's a lonely love. I have to remind myself that I am very, very lucky that I had the time with her I did. So many people never find their soulmate. My brother here has never had a relationship, like ever, other than what was more of an unrequited crush. He's blissfully unaware of how amazing love can be- and how devastating losing it is. 

Ultimately, I have to accept my sad, little life for what it is- look forward to the few small things I get enjoyment from, and know that my Annette is waiting for me in a better place. I have no choice but to keep muddling along. Please find the strength to get through this from our shared grief and from the knowledge you're not really alone. The people here are some of the luckiest people ever, because we experienced the most incredible love imaginable and that is still in your heart. We are being watched over by our own personal angels and we will be reunited. 

Please write and vent and we will read it and understand. Sometimes all we need is to be understood. Don't give up. 

[Boho-Soul]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

You guys are young enough to be my kids...I'm turning 70 in a couple of months and feeling it.  I was 52 when George died.  Time has a way of slipping up on us....turn around and it's gone.  Make the adjustments to your life while you still can!

Thanks for this encouraging response kayc. And yes, time does slip by. I can't speak for everyone here as we're all at different timelines in our journey to heal and move forward, but it's a refreshing reminder that we all have a choice to - as you say "make adjustments" to our lives. I'm doing all I can to improve my health, rebuild my sense of self and establish a new purpose in my life. And I know my Michael will be with me as I move forward with all my new life plans. 

Found this quote from the site 'empowered through grief' and wanted to share. "We don't move on. We move forward. We don get over it. We integrate it as part of who we become. We don't get back to 'normal'. We are forever altered by loss as we were by love."

My hope and prayer is that everyone here can find the healing they need to move forward, in whatever capacity that works for them.

[scba]

16 hours ago, V. R. said:

I fear that I will go into regression, forget all I ever learned, not having  my soulmate to share my daily life with, discussing problems, suggesting advice together for our kids, I'm completely useless now. If you break up a team, especially the guide, what's left? 

Take care. 

I understand how you feel. I too felt that I would forget all I have ever learned. Two years after his passing a time in which I didn't work, I decided to take a language exam just to have a certificate that would say: you can still think and learn something. I don't have clear memories of dialogues but I know that I have never had the deep conversations I shared with him. Ever again. I have had to learn to live with that lacking. All against my will.

"We integrate it as part of who we become". Someone posted below. 

Very true. Reaching integration is hard, lonely and painful. I cannot sugar coat that for any of you. 

what is left?

You know the answer. It is You.  Incomplete? Heartbroken? Never the same? Unfair? Yes. But it is still You. And only you can take responsibility for caring for what is left. 

 

 

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

"We don't move on. We move forward. We don get over it. We integrate it as part of who we become. We don't get back to 'normal'. We are forever altered by loss as we were by love."

So true!

[kayc]

11 hours ago, scba said:

You know the answer. It is You.  Incomplete? Heartbroken? Never the same? Unfair? Yes. But it is still You. And only you can take responsibility for caring for what is left. 

This.

[Sad_Widower]

Hello Sheenie,

If there is some good news, you are not alone.  I guess misery loves company? Unsure, but please know that you are among people on this forum who can empathize so please take heed in this (it took me a long time to find people who can empathize)  

Some things you wrote that I really enjoyed as it made me think. (paraphrasing):
“wherever we were, my husband made it home.”   He sounds like he was a good man. As that is an attribute of a good husband IMO. 
“I used to complain about not having enough time to myself, but now that’s all I have.”
You know, I’m sure at one point in our lives we “complained” about what it takes to keep a relationship going.  It’s natural.  I think what differs people who were able to remain in king-term relationships is we know it’s what we choose to do.  So a part of us allows us to complain about frivolous things..just to keep our sanity.  
I make no bones about it, once my wife became sick I was her sounding board - for everything.   She was such a sweet person, but was going through a lot, so I not only allowed - but encouraged her to take things out on me.  She knew I could handle it and at the end of the day I loved her and was committed to her as we were truly soul mater. 
As for “all I have it time to myself now”…it’s interesting. There was a moment where I wondered “perhaps I can try and enjoy a new lifestyle. One where I no longer have responsibility to anyone but myself.”  I swear that lasted maybe…and hour at the most.   It’s just not me - so that is when I truly started my soul-searching to answer what I want Vs what I am capable of (a whole other post). 

“I feel like I am in jail.”
I sincerely mean it when I say I would rather spend the rest of my life in prison and have my wife alive, then be free and not have her. Of course I have never been to prison or anything before so don’t know what it feels like, but I truly mean when I say I would take that chance to “switch places” with someone if I could.

It’s obvious you loved your husband very much and I’m sure you both knew you were grateful to have one another.  

The anniversary of my wife’s passing is coming up soon as well.  I haven’t decided is I will allow myself to cry or not. My that I truly feel I cried myself out the first year. Then I realized the crying was not helping me emotionally.  Note: that is just ME. Everyone is different - :so do you.   If I feel the need to cry, I will, but honestly the only time I “feel better” after crying is when I am talking outloud to her while I cry (as I believe she senses it and tries to comfort me).  

I also hope you can focus on being re-united with him.  Again, everyone is different, but I know - should I make myself worthy - I will be with her in afterlife for eternity, and that keeps me going. 

In fact I will share with you all, that I once had a “vision” about this. Understand I am not in to “paranormal” or anything, but here is what happened: my mind suddenly went to a place where, while I was wide-awake, I wasn’t “controlling” my thoughts.  I suddenly both FELT and SAW us to together again.  
We hugged each other and cried in each other’s arms for almost 24 straight hours.  We just hugged and cried and cried and cried and cried.  We had not even talked yet, but we both knew why we were crying.  It was a combination of sadness from being apart, to gratefulness to being back together.  It was a feeling of “we knew this would happen and it has”.  

My personal feeling on why I had that “experience” is because I was in the depths of sorrow unlike I knew even imagined, and feel God might have given me a little glimpse of what is possible to provide me some comfort. Whatever the reason, it worked.  
 

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

I will be with her in afterlife for eternity

Yes.

[Sad_Widower]

On 8/6/2022 at 6:10 AM, kayc said:

You guys are young enough to be my kids...I'm turning 70 in a couple of months and feeling it.  I was 52 when George died.  Time has a way of slipping up on us....turn around and it's gone.  Make the adjustments to your life while you still can!

Hi kayc,

Thanks for sharing this with us.  You and I were both around the same age when I lost my wife (although my loss happened just a few years ago).  So I value your feedback on here more than you may realize.  Do you mind if I pose a few questions?

Did you ever remarry or engage in another relationship after your loss? How do you feel about your decision now (whatever the answer)?

Has any of the memories faded? Honestly, this is one of my greatest fears.  That I will be your age, and it suddenly seems like “a lifetime ago” since I was married.  Or can you still easily envision your husband and being with him as clearly (or relatively clear) as you could 18 years ago. 
Perhaps another way to ask: do you still feel close to him, or has time affected this?

I assume you have photos and videos of him? Have you been able to watch videos (ie old home movies).  I have hours and hours of my wife and I, but cannot yet bring myself to that.  A part of me thinks I will become physically ill from sadness if I tried.  

Thank you!

[kayc]

I have pictures on the wall of him, but no, I still cannot go through our pictures and peruse them.  It's like my place is a museum...collections of things but can't bear to go through them.   I haven't forgotten anything, but it's changed in how I remember it because it seems like a faraway movie I once watched.

It was hard if you asked if I ever remarried.  Yes and no.  Someone contacted me when he died, after his funeral, claimed to be a friend of his...he was available to talk and since all of our friends had disappeared, I was very vulnerable...I'm sure he smelled that.  We married on paper only...then he went back to Portland and his life, never lived with me.  He had someone from the EK (white supremacist gang) living with him, she stole my identity.  He used my credit for $57,000, quit his job, and went into hiding...with someone else yet.  It took me two years to get a divorce, I should have been able to annul it.  I call him Con John, aptly named.  It's been a horrible experience, I feel like I belong on a Dr. Phil show, terribly embarrassing.

I haven't dated in years, never did do the online thing, I can get into enough trouble just answering the phone!  I have resigned myself to growing old alone, and cherish what George and I had together.  I know he understands and would never judge me for what I did, he always understood me, the first to!

 

[Gwenivere]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

it seems like a faraway movie I once watched.

I’m so sorry you were taken by a con man.  I, personally, couldn’t  see me ever marrying again.  It felt a given.  I’m having enough adjustment with a roommate.  
 

I love that line you wrote above.  Perfectly sums up what it feels like and reruns are never as good.

[kayc]

I think I was definitely still in immense grief fog and shock, honestly.  I try to warn people from getting into a relationship too soon, important to give yourself time to adjust to living alone and get used to being on your own.  My own mom was widowed 32 years before she died (and she was younger than me when daddy died) and depended on us kids for everything, her whole fulfillment, I think that factored in, I didn't want to do that to my kids!  Ha, as if I could!

[Sheemie]

Looking back everyone that tried to help me, that was supposed to help me, my family, my inlaws really did not help and just made things worse for me. My family concocted plan to get me to move in with my terminally sick parents taking full advantageof my widow state. That quickly blew up and as soon as they realized I wasn't going to live there they ghosted me. My wicked mother in law, who was always trying to get my husband to leave me, so she could take our money contacted a lawyer and tried to sue me. My stepchildren show up like what money is ours, it's called get a job you brats. All I want to do is go back to work, you know like I did since I was 8 years old and before I had to constantly be on the defense of being attacked. I have to pay for any help I need and boy the going rate of help is 350 an hour. The help from family what a joke, all they care about is stuff and money. They don't care that they cost me 3 jobs, countless moves, legal trouble, how many more moves before I find a job and new life, is that free? How much has their trash talking cost me? I don't know if I can crawl out of the hole I am in. How about some help do any of them care how I am doing...NO! HOW am I to go on without my husband when he was everything to me. No one seems to get that and or care.

[Sheemie]

On 8/7/2022 at 11:51 PM, Sad_Widower said:

Hello Sheenie,

If there is some good news, you are not alone.  I guess misery loves company? Unsure, but please know that you are among people on this forum who can empathize so please take heed in this (it took me a long time to find people who can empathize)  

Some things you wrote that I really enjoyed as it made me think. (paraphrasing):
“wherever we were, my husband made it home.”   He sounds like he was a good man. As that is an attribute of a good husband IMO. 
“I used to complain about not having enough time to myself, but now that’s all I have.”
You know, I’m sure at one point in our lives we “complained” about what it takes to keep a relationship going.  It’s natural.  I think what differs people who were able to remain in king-term relationships is we know it’s what we choose to do.  So a part of us allows us to complain about frivolous things..just to keep our sanity.  
I make no bones about it, once my wife became sick I was her sounding board - for everything.   She was such a sweet person, but was going through a lot, so I not only allowed - but encouraged her to take things out on me.  She knew I could handle it and at the end of the day I loved her and was committed to her as we were truly soul mater. 
As for “all I have it time to myself now”…it’s interesting. There was a moment where I wondered “perhaps I can try and enjoy a new lifestyle. One where I no longer have responsibility to anyone but myself.”  I swear that lasted maybe…and hour at the most.   It’s just not me - so that is when I truly started my soul-searching to answer what I want Vs what I am capable of (a whole other post). 

“I feel like I am in jail.”
I sincerely mean it when I say I would rather spend the rest of my life in prison and have my wife alive, then be free and not have her. Of course I have never been to prison or anything before so don’t know what it feels like, but I truly mean when I say I would take that chance to “switch places” with someone if I could.

It’s obvious you loved your husband very much and I’m sure you both knew you were grateful to have one another.  

The anniversary of my wife’s passing is coming up soon as well.  I haven’t decided is I will allow myself to cry or not. My that I truly feel I cried myself out the first year. Then I realized the crying was not helping me emotionally.  Note: that is just ME. Everyone is different - :so do you.   If I feel the need to cry, I will, but honestly the only time I “feel better” after crying is when I am talking outloud to her while I cry (as I believe she senses it and tries to comfort me).  

I also hope you can focus on being re-united with him.  Again, everyone is different, but I know - should I make myself worthy - I will be with her in afterlife for eternity, and that keeps me going. 

In fact I will share with you all, that I once had a “vision” about this. Understand I am not in to “paranormal” or anything, but here is what happened: my mind suddenly went to a place where, while I was wide-awake, I wasn’t “controlling” my thoughts.  I suddenly both FELT and SAW us to together again.  
We hugged each other and cried in each other’s arms for almost 24 straight hours.  We just hugged and cried and cried and cried and cried.  We had not even talked yet, but we both knew why we were crying.  It was a combination of sadness from being apart, to gratefulness to being back together.  It was a feeling of “we knew this would happen and it has”.  

My personal feeling on why I had that “experience” is because I was in the depths of sorrow unlike I knew even imagined, and feel God might have given me a little glimpse of what is possible to provide me some comfort. Whatever the reason, it worked.  
 

I truly believe my husband is watching over me and helping me because it has been a train wreck and fact I am not dead, incarcerated, or something else bad I truly feel is divine intervention because yes I have no idea what I am doing or capable of but what is possible.

[kayc]

OMG, Sheemie, I read your post and I am stunned by your family's "response!"  I am so sorry!  But truly I don't think you need my pity, you sound like a very strong person that is not going to let people walk on you.  That said, I think sometimes we don't WANT to be strong, we just want our person back here, being our best friend and protector, at least I do!  OMG, after all this time, I would totally relax into his arms, if only I could!

[Sheemie]

Everyone thanks for sharing, the good, bad, and ugly.

I know that Ray is with me watching over me from heaven. I could go on and on about how helpless I am, like how my mom and I spent days trying to unlock a toolbox and neither of us could do it and like the 3rd day I just tried to open it and low and behold it just opened. And I always think see my Ray is here helping me in times of trouble.

[kayc]

Those are special blessings IMO...