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Anniversary of My Loss is Here Again


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41 minutes ago, nashreed said:

Life means nothing to me without Annette's love.

Whoa, that's just so hard to read. I miss my Michael so much, but I'm doing all I can to find new meaning in my life. My hope is you'll want to find meaning for yourself 🙏

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Dear Sad,

  Could it be that your loved ones care about you very much, but don't know what to say? Or are afraid of saying the wrong thing, so they just keep quiet, and wait for you to reach out to them? And assume that if they don't hear from you, then you're doing fine?  There are lots of ways to rationalize avoidance.

 

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2 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

Whoa, that's just so hard to read. I miss my Michael so much, but I'm doing all I can to find new meaning in my life. My hope is you'll want to find meaning for yourself 🙏

It's hard to live it. I never set anything up for a life without Annette. It was so hard to get her to marry me, move away on our own and all. I just wish I would have made some kind of friendships, but I didn't want to spend any time with anyone else. Now I'm paying for it. I just feel like a phantom that exists on this plane of existence, but I don't belong in it. 

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1 hour ago, razorclam said:

Dear Sad,

  Could it be that your loved ones care about you very much, but don't know what to say? Or are afraid of saying the wrong thing, so they just keep quiet, and wait for you to reach out to them? And assume that if they don't hear from you, then you're doing fine?  There are lots of ways to rationalize avoidance.

 

Hello. Yes at first I considered this.  But once I started becoming excluded from things it went past not knowing what to say to actually shunning me.  it is what it is….I still try and “fellowship” with them.   As an example, with yesterday being the anniversary of her death, I texted her family, let them know I am thinking of them and if they need anything from me to reach out as I’m always here for them.  No response (per usual).  I personally think they simply don’t care. I just continue to do what I know to be best, and that is thoughtful, supportive, etc.  It’s all I can do.

The crazy thing, they all know I’m leaving.  If just ONE family member said “please don’t leave—we will miss you” I would stay.
 

I can honestly say I am over it.  It’s bittersweet as had I don’t something I would feel shame, but accept it.  However not doing anything it’s confusing, but I keep my integrity.  It just hurts me when I see people who have not behaved well in life still have family members who stand with them. I was just unlucky with my family, that’s all. 
 

@nashreedI understand the concept of “no one to share it with”.  This is perhaps the most difficult thing of all. I think that sense of our soul mainly dying when our spouse died, is knowing that we can never truly be happy again. There might be things that we enjoy, but we will never truly be happy like we once were.

This shows me how much you loved your wife.  Some people just up and re-marry (which is fine), however I just don’t see how I could ever have another soulmate.  So when I note “change” it’s really encouraging to spoil yourself.  Do something/some things you have always wanted to do or just think about some way to honor your wife.  You said she would not like you now.  What would make her happy—for you? 
Finally, it truly breaks my heart knowing there are people experiencing what I am. While there is a level of normalcy knowing I am not alone in this, I hate to see it all the way around.  I think this forum is a beautiful thing—I really do—so keep leveraging it as we all share a bond and even through we might be strangers, we actually are not—because we do care. I’m happy to share my phone number on here (if it’s allowed) so that you are anyone can ring me up just to chat at any time you need to talk.  Thx

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1 hour ago, nashreed said:

I just wish I would have made some kind of friendships ... 

I had solid friendships that dissolved after Michael died. Never did I think that would happen. You never know how life will change. If you made/had friends who knows how they would have reacted. Look at Sad and how his family just dismiss him - and that’s family. Makes me so, so sad to read about Sad’s family basically excluding or ghosting him. I know it’s hard to make new friendships, but that’s what I decided to do. It may not be easy, but I hope you’ll find a way to create new friends, it’s my prayer for you.

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26 minutes ago, Sad_Widower said:

I understand the concept of “no one to share it with”.  This is perhaps the most difficult thing of all. I think that sense of our soul mainly dying when our spouse died, is knowing that we can never truly be happy again. There might be things that we enjoy, but we will never truly be happy like we once were

Everyone’s situation is different so I understand my thoughts may not resonate with anyone on the topic of happiness. Maybe it’s my feisty, rebellious nature, or the fact I’ve overcome other big life moments, but I can’t except that one can never truly be happy again. I agree it won’t be like it once was, but life is amazing, and can bring us joy, or we can create it. I believe love and joy is everywhere and I just won’t except that I’ll never be happy and joyful again. It’ll be different, yes, but I “will” find new joy and happiness in my life moving forward.

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31 minutes ago, Sad_Widower said:

I think this forum is a beautiful thing—I really do—so keep leveraging it as we all share a bond and even through we might be strangers, we actually are not—because we do care. I’m happy to share my phone number on here (if it’s allowed) so that you are anyone can ring me up just to chat at any time you need to talk.

Yes! This forum is a beautiful thing. Never thought I’d make virtual friendships, especially under this context. I’m so thankful for this discussion forum 😊

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23 hours ago, V. R. said:

I never used to believe in 'pet therapy', but I've discovered it really is so true!

Absolutely!  I have a dog, Kodie, he's my steady companion, and is my service dog.

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17 hours ago, nashreed said:

the inconsiderate neighbors let them bark incessantly.

Why I love this breed so much (Klee Kai), as a miniature Husky, very quiet.  We have hounds a few houses down that bark incessantly, and chiuauas that do also, and a german shepherd across the street that does (1 of 4 but it's mainly the 1).  

 

17 hours ago, nashreed said:

After my Mom is gone, I may end up one of the homeless here.

Maybe it'd be good to get disability and while you have time and and then accepted someplace, they often have waiting lists so why wait until she is gone?  And wouldn't you like your independence?

17 hours ago, razorclam said:

Maybe offer to walk the next door neighbor's dogs?

Careful, that's what started my hand loss, a very major disability, started three years ago when my Arlie died, and I started walking the neighbor's chow.  I've had 11 hand injuries, 5 of them major, 8 dog bites, a hard yank from the chow, an overzealous dermatologist, and a botched surgery.  They've rendered my hands practically useless so now I can't clean out my place or do any yard work.  They all happened over a two year period.

12 hours ago, nashreed said:

I've become someone different from who Annette married. She wouldn't like me now. 

Aww, you'd be surprised.  

You know, it's like who we have become has evolved, not necessarily planned, but it's evolved...for me it's been over 17 years and omg have I aged and gone through so much!  I am a survivor, good or bad.

I felt your response deserved an answer, it was heartfelt and real.  Sending you love and hope for a good day today.

Sad Widower:  I am stunned and appalled at how you were treated on the suicide hotline.  That lady should be fired pronto!  OMG, to think she could have pushed someone on the brink of suicide...over the edge!  Never is there an excuse!  Years ago I used to man the 700 Club hotline and we'd get some suicide calls, never ever have I treated someone with such disregard!  Nor would I!  And never did we put them on hold or transfer them!

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Thanks KayC,

I have been on disability since before I had to move back to California. Unfortunately, they don't up your $ based on where you live, and California is SO expensive to live in. The rent prices are ridiculous. My family is lucky to live in a mobile park where the rent (for California) is super cheap. We've lived here since 1974. I grew up here. It used to be such a nice park. Now it's trashy and ghetto, like the whole town has become. My family owns the mobile home, but my name isn't on it- so I don't feel super secure that I will be able to mooch indefinitely. 

I honestly don't know what Annette would want for me after her passing. I know she would want me to be happy, but she also knows where I had to crawl back to. If the situation were reversed, she would have had nowhere to go (but probably her sister's, but her sister has a husband and several dogs and it would have been less than ideal for her). She wouldn't mind if I remarried, but I have zero social skills, no money and no chance. I've thought about trying to find a support group, but it would be so difficult to talk in front of a group. On here, I can articulate my words and compose them exactly how I want. Talking is not my forte. I also have a thing (I don't know if it has a name) where I cannot stand to be overheard. If I have to make a phone call, I have to be isolated- even having to be in my car often. Even with two other people here, who are my family!, is difficult. If there's just one I'm talking to, it's fine- but if both are in the room, I am more reticent and quiet. If I'm talking to my brother, I don't want my Mom to hear the conversation. It's just another quirk that's been amplified since her passing. 

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13 hours ago, kayc said:

Sad Widower:  I am stunned and appalled at how you were treated on the suicide hotline. 

Yep/ I was pretty surprised. I checked out a 'depression' forum, and it appears my experience was not isolated. I'd like to think eventually I would have been put in contact with a person who sincerely cared, but being transferred around answering the scripts of people with attitudes is not the best front line service, IMO. Again, it was just the luck of the draw (which then started making me think I was jinxed, etc.). 

 

8 hours ago, nashreed said:

I honestly don't know what Annette would want for me after her passing. I know she would want me to be happy,

My son recently told me "Mom used to tell us you would re-marry if she died, because she said you are a big baby who needs someone to take care of him" Now, I know my wife, and I know she said this in jest (although I did and still do need her)...but she knew deep down there is NO WAY I would ever re-marry. I can recall, in her final moments, I started having chest pains. I have no idea why, and I really tried to fight it off (I thought I was already in a hospital so....). She caught me clutching my chest a few times and asked "Are you okay, honey?" I instructed her not to worry about me, but instead focus on her and let us know what she needs.

This is just how she was though. I mean, less than maybe three minutes before her passing, she was concerned with me. My wife knew I would be a WRECK without her. I sometime think, one of her last thoughts is how I would go on without her. 

I want to tell you all something. My wife went through a LOT. Even doctors and nurses would praise her for her "bravery" due to how many medical procedures she'd gone through. Forget the two emergency c-sections, and the all the experimental chemo therapies, and all the blood transfusions, and stem cell transplant, cervical surgeries, et al. She really went through some scary medical procedures. 

I used to tell her, "There is no way I could do all of that." I told her this all of the time. About six months before she passed, I was telling her this again, when she stopped me. "Honey. You would." I don't know," I replied. "You would." she said. "The reason I have gone through all of this is because of you and the kids. I love you and know I need to be here for you, and I know you and you would do the same thing because you love us."

That has always stuck with me. 

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James, I understand, your Asperger's sounds like a fairly extreme case.  If you ever decide to leave, you could go somewhere cheaper than CA as an option.  It used to be cheap here but not so much anymore since the whole Covid/inflation issue. :(

8 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

I love you and know I need to be here for you, and I know you and you would do the same thing because you love us.

"You would."  She knew you.  She knew your love.  We do what we have to do.  Those two words say a lot.

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