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Sleepless Summer Night


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Can’t sleep. Thought I’d post. Typically I’ve been having deep, heavy sleeps. Tried my usual guided meditations, which always lulls me to sleep, but not tonight 🤷🏻‍♀️ Nothing really big on my mind to keep me up. Meeting a contractor at the studio tomorrow, but that’s a positive thing. I’ve been thinking I need a vacation. Not so much to go to a specific place, just to get away from my situation. Can’t really do that though, it’ll just follow me. Life seems so weird at 2:am. Maybe it’s just being up at 2:am that’s weird. Gonna try to sleep again 😴🤞

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2 am...that's just an hour before I get up.  I know how thoughts can get you..

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Sounds like you were getting up right about the time I was finally falling asleep. I had thoughts last night, but it wasn’t like I had ruminating thoughts and that’s what kept me up. I’ve had those nights. Last night was just different, don’t know how else to say it.

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I can count on one hand how many times I’ve been asleep before 2am since my loss.  😞 The crazy thing I usually need to start work by 7:30am. Fortunately I work from my home office so there is no commute.  
For decades, my wife and I would lay in bed around 10pm, watch the news then the late show while she would read a book or (later on) her iPad.  We would almost always go to sleep at the same time (TV off, reading lamp off, etc).  

Since her passing I no longer go to bed. I simply fall asleep whenever my body shuts down (usually watching TV or reading).  I’ve had some pretty rough days with only 1-2 hours sleep (many with no hours).  What I have learned is that if I can at least force myself to lay and rest…even if I don’t sleep it makes and difference.  
Periodically, if I have a big day ahead I’ll take a sleeping pill…and those do seem to help.  I think subconsciously I’ve learned I get sad if I just close my eyes and try to sleep.  I imagine most of use have trouble sleeping…curious how long it will last. 

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It's interesting how everyone has different ways of life. I'd never watch news before going to bed. I'm typically asleep before midnight, sometimes 11:pm. That didn't change after my husband died. Something about my experience had me sleeping right through the night all the time, then napping during the day. The napping has faded off though.

My Dr gave me a few sleeping pills, because I had a small stretch for about a week at some point where I wasn't sleeping. I snapped it in half and it was enough to get me asleep, but I didn't want to become dependent on them. Plus the 3 days I took the half pills it dropped my blood pressure way low, something like 88/62, so no more for me.

The other night was a one-off, I was at my studio that night with friends and one bought me a kombucha. I drink it often, but it was a different brand and it had more caffeine than my typical brand. I'm pretty sure that's what kept me up the other night. Tonight I'm up a little later than usual because my gut hurts, so I'll see how the night goes 🤞🏼

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I spent years not getting enough sleep following the loss of my husband.  When I retired, it worsened.  I used to not get enough because of my long work and commute schedule, I couldn't fit enough in.  But now it'd be me in the middle of the night thinking...about all the things that could go wrong, anxiety full bore.  I finally asked for and got sleeping pills, and am on them for life.  Someone said they're not good for you...I said neither is not enough sleep.  This is the lowest dose.  I stilll wake up to go to the bathroom and some nights I still don't get enough but I cherish the bit I do.

I don't drink coffee in the afternoons.  Having a schedule helps.

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Sleep is my only escape from everything.  So is having a schedule for it.  My anxiety meds help with relaxing.   Things have gotten so bad with pain, I don’t think I’m gong to be able to do this much longer.  Mentally I  am terrified.  

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