Our Soulmates Cannot be Replaced

[Sad_Widower]

Today is my son’s 22 birthday.  He is our oldest child.  My wife has been on my mind all day, as I told my son: “while it’s a big day for you, it also is a big day for mommy and I…22 years ago, we experienced the happiest moment of our lives when God blessed us with a child. 22 years ago today, mommy and I started living.”

In fact each year on this day, my wife and I would reminisce about the entire day, how it all happened etc etc.  

My son is the only family member left I have a relationship with (aside from two of my uncles).  I’ve noted this before, but if you understood the dynamics of my family, you would realize this is extremely bizarre as prior to my wife’s passing we were all about family and constantly spent time with both sides of the family. But I digress. 

I am extremely blessed to have my son in my life.  Just coming back from a week long business trip, I became pretty ill upon returning home.  Running a high fever with body aches, stomach flu etc etc.  Still I dragged myself out of bed and ensured I went shopping for him, I got him a cake and ice cream…just the usual you do for your loved ones on their birthday.  We also agreed to have dinner at this Nepali restaurant he likes.   

Going back to the subject of this post.  At 2pm my son did one of his “I’ll be right back”.  Of course he did not return until 9:30pm, so we decided to just get take out.  Of course it’s his birthday and I want him to do whatever he wants (even if that means excluding me). I truly mean this. He is good to me, and I understand that age, so definitely don’t hold it against him.  I started thinking about birthdays in the past. My wife passed a few weeks after her 46th birthday.  That morning I took her to this coffee place she always wanted to try.  We had lunch at her favorite restaurant, and the kids and I cooked for her that evening.  She was only months off her stem-cell transplant, and was so frail (maybe 90 lbs). Her hair was just starting to come back after more rounds of chemo, etc.  On my last birthday, she was sick.  I remember how she felt so bad about it, and kept saying “tomorrow or as soon as I feel well, I will cook for you and make you a cake…” etc.  i told her the best birthday present I could have is if I could pamper her while she was not feeling well (and I SINCERELY meant that). So I spent the day taking care of her.  

Back the subject line of this thread (really, I mean it this time) today I realized that when I or my soulmate had a birthday, we spent every waking moment together. Our plans were together.  We celebrated everything together.  
However, with other loved ones (even someone such as my son who I love as much as my wife) it’s not like that.  He does his thing, and I patiently wait.  It just show the dynamics of the nuclear family and how your spouse/significant other/soulmate is truly the center of your universe.
No one else can or ever possibly fill that role.  

[nashreed]

That's gotta be the saddest thread title ever. 

I know what you mean, but it's just devastating to think that any hope of ever being loved by someone ever again in this life is over. I can't be with Annette, and I don't want to be alone. I can't reenact the movie "Ghost". I'm stuck in this miserable plane of existence and I'm only 52. It may be wrong, or cheating or whatever, but part of me would love to have a companion again, just a female companion to share life with. It's impossible I know. Everyone wants marriage who isn't married already, a provider. No one wants just a confidant or friend, not at 52. 

The hopelessness and despair about the situation is overwhelming. This is how I die- alone. 

[V. R.]

2 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

Back the subject line of this thread (really, I mean it this time) today I realized that when I or my soulmate had a birthday, we spent every waking moment together. Our plans were together.  We celebrated everything together.  
However, with other loved ones (even someone such as my son who I love as much as my wife) it’s not like that.  He does his thing, and I patiently wait.  It just show the dynamics of the nuclear family and how your spouse/significant other/soulmate is truly the center of your universe.
No one else can or ever possibly fill that role.  

 

45 minutes ago, nashreed said:

know what you mean, but it's just devastating to think that any hope of ever being loved by someone ever again in this life is over

Sacrosanct words from both of you. Totally agree. Like you Sad_Widower, my kids who are also in their twenties are my life, my reason to live, a part of me and my husband, but that love and understanding you reach with your soulmate is absolutely unique, unchallengeable, inviolable, a rarity, something to cherish and yes, I am grateful for having experienced this in my life, but also yes, I am angry that it has been snatched away from me so soon, leaving me hovering in this world, not knowing what to with myself. I am what I am thanks to the love of my soulmate, have learned so much from him about life. I find comfort now realising that I actually think like he did now, when making decisions, thinking about what's best and what isn't, in particular problematic situations. My daughter, especially, has inherited all his wisdom, intellect, creativity, tenacity. When I met my husband I was one of those people completely lacking in self-esteem, at 27,seeing everyone else within my circle of friends and relatives already either married or in a steady relationship, I felt like an oddity, out of place and had lost hope of ever meeting the 'right' person. Then he came along, I was still skeptical at first, didn't believe he could ever really love someone like me, that I could be worthy of his love (like I've read in other posts on this site), I was just a simple girl, compared to him. Within nine months we were married and expecting our first child. The first time he said he loved me and wanted a future with me, I thought I was dreaming, was on 'seventh heaven', no one had ever pronounced those words to me and I didn't think I'd ever get to hear them. 

[kayc]

My daughter celebrated her 40th the end of June, with her friend at the lake instead of out to lunch with mom.  I wanted to spoil her but the best I could do is let her go.  She still hasn't cashed her bdy check and who knows if she saw her bdy card.  I hope she knows how much I love her, I don't see how she couldn't.

Your reminiscing about your son in his bdy reminds me, we raised them to be independent souls...we did our job.

[Chocolate]

On 9/2/2022 at 7:47 PM, Sad_Widower said:

Back the subject line of this thread (really, I mean it this time) today I realized that when I or my soulmate had a birthday, we spent every waking moment together. Our plans were together.  We celebrated everything together.  

However, with other loved ones (even someone such as my son who I love as much as my wife) it’s not like that.  He does his thing, and I patiently wait.  It just show the dynamics of the nuclear family and how your spouse/significant other/soulmate is truly the center of your universe.
No one else can or ever possibly fill that role.  

Yes, our soulmates are the center of our universe.  Mine will never be replaced.  I would never want anyone else, even though I am miserably lonely.  I am lonely for him, not anyone else.  Even when I visit with other people, once they are gone my facade comes off, and I am alone with the exception of his spirit.  His spirit is with me, but that isn't enough.  I want him with me in all ways and for always. So I wait trying to be patient.  It's a learning process.

[V. R.]

6 hours ago, Chocolate said:

am lonely for him, not anyone else.  Even when I visit

That's me. Always putting on a brave face in front of everyone and then breaking down when I'm back on my own. I actually prefer my own company now, or with my son and daughter, as I feel even more lonely when I'm among people. Ours isn't loneliness in the sense that we want to be with people, we want our soulmates back! I feel awkward being  in this world without my soulmate, as if just half of me is present, everyone is a complete stranger to me and I don't wish to interact or have any interest to communicate with them, unless it's someone who has also lost a soulmate.  I only feel free to pour out my heartache here on this site, where everyone can relate and understand.

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Chocolate said:

I am lonely for him, not anyone else.

Yes.  I realize this too...we had it all.  I'm not interested in looking.

[Chocolate]

10 hours ago, V. R. said:

That's me. Always putting on a brave face in front of everyone and then breaking down when I'm back on my own. I actually prefer my own company now, or with my son and daughter, as I feel even more lonely when I'm among people. Ours isn't loneliness in the sense that we want to be with people, we want our soulmates back! I feel awkward being  in this world without my soulmate, as if just half of me is present, everyone is a complete stranger to me and I don't wish to interact or have any interest to communicate with them, unless it's someone who has also lost a soulmate.  I only feel free to pour out my heartache here on this site, where everyone can relate and understand.

That's exactly where I am.  Thanks for your  input.

[Chocolate]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Yes.  I realize this too...we had it all.  I'm not interested in looking.

When you've had the best, the rest would never measure up.

[nashreed]

58 minutes ago, Chocolate said:

When you've had the best, the rest would never measure up.

It really is a nice sentiment, and I would give anything to be with Annette again- but the thought of not having another relationship with a woman, for however long my miserable life is is just beyond depressing to me. My grandfather lost my Mom's mom in 1978. He remarried within the year. When his second wife passed, he married again, and had another relationship in there too somewhere. He lived to be 91. (He passed in 2001)  It helped that he lived in a mobile home park chock full of older widows. Some men just need to have a partner (maybe most?). It seems women are, more often, ok with not having another relationship after their spouse passes- which makes it really f-ed up for men. 

The point is: the thought of having no one who cares about me, even half as much as Annette, drives me to bouts of depression that are devastating. I just would really rather be dead than face this life alone. Annette was one-of-a-kind, absolutely, but I don't want to be alone. Just to even have a female friend would be ok. I'm tired of living life like a ghost. I feel dead already. I go out into the world and people look right through me. I just can't face it anymore. 

I ordered the medical records from Annette's last hospital stay, about a week and a half before she passed. Something like 2,000 pages I'm going through methodically. Desperately trying to find answers why, and also to feel some connection to her. Anything. The records are in reverse order, so I'm reading them backwards in time. When she became lucid after a week of being completely out of it, the notes say that she just wanted to go home. 

[Chocolate]

3 minutes ago, nashreed said:

 

The point is: the thought of having no one who cares about me, even half as much as Annette, drives me to bouts of depression that are devastating. I just would really rather be dead than face this life alone. Annette was one-of-a-kind, absolutely, but I don't want to be alone. Just to even have a female friend would be ok. I'm tired of living life like a ghost. I feel dead already. I go out into the world and people look right through me. I just can't face it anymore. 

 

Have you tried online dating sites? There are a few for people who are no longer kids. You could do an online search.  My sister's widower found two more women online after my sister died.  He married the first one.  He was 70 at the time.  She died after a few years.  He's currently living with the second one. He's now 84.  He is no prize.  If he can find someone, so can you.  Have you tried taking classes in things that interested you in the past? You could meet someone there.  Brainstorm, see what you can come up with on ways to meet someone.  For example, you could join the Sierra Club and meet others who were interested in saving the environment.  If you are in a group that has similar interests, you would have something to talk about. If I were interested in meeting someone I'd become involved in SOLVE.  They have gatherings of people who in groups  pick up litter.   Or I would join Friends of Oregon.  They are also environmentally concerned.  You could volunteer somewhere doing something that in the past has interested you.

I'm in my 70s.  It's not the same as being the one's 50s.

[Boho-Soul]

1 hour ago, Chocolate said:

When you've had the best, the rest would never measure up.

I agree, that is a nice thought. I'd like my Michael back, just like nashreed said he wishes to have Annette back. For me I'd want the version of Michael before his illness took hold and changed his core self, then I would have the best of him again.

I'm with you on not wanting to be alone nashreed. I'm perfectly fine having my alone time and solitude, and I don't 'Need' someone, but man would it be nice to come home to someone and share my day with, to have meaningful conversations, or just hang and watch Netflix. I really miss the simplicities of having someone in my life.

6 minutes ago, Chocolate said:

Have you tried online dating sites?

Interesting thought Chocolate. I'm still in my 50's and it has crossed my mind. Don't think I'm quite ready for that, but I am keeping the idea on the whiteboard and am not ruling it out. Of course it won't be the same type of relationship I had with my late husband, but I also think another relationship can still be meaningful in it's own way.

[Chocolate]

3 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

I agree, that is a nice thought. I'd like my Michael back, just like nashreed said he wishes to have Annette back. For me I'd want the version of Michael before his illness took hold and changed his core self, then I would have the best of him again.

I'm with you on not wanting to be alone nashreed. I'm perfectly fine having my alone time and solitude, and I don't 'Need' someone, but man would it be nice to come home to someone and share my day with, to have meaningful conversations, or just hang and watch Netflix. I really miss the simplicities of having someone in my life.

Interesting thought Chocolate. I'm still in my 50's and it has crossed my mind. Don't think I'm quite ready for that, but I am keeping the idea on the whiteboard and am not ruling it out. Of course it won't be the same type of relationship I had with my late husband, but I also think another relationship can still be meaningful in it's own way.

After my boyfriend died of cancer when I as 39, I was sure I didn't want anyone.  A year and a half later I went for a walk to the river.  That's when I met my husband who recently died. I knew we were supposed to be together.  What I'm saying is that it is possible to meet someone.  No one can replace another, but if a relationship is what you want, I'd say go for it.  There is a forum called Buzz50.  They used to have a dating site as well.  You might try them.  I'm sure there are others.  Some of them have been advertised on tv.  I just don't remember their names right now.

[Boho-Soul]

That's so lovely that you found another relationship that was meaningful Chocolate. My mom died and my dad was widowed when I was 4, he remarried when I was 24. Then his 2nd wife died of cancer 10 yrs later. He then found love for a 3rd time in his 70's and eloped of all things when he was 81! They're still going strong and he is now 93. It's kind of inspiring to see, and to know that the possibility of a 2nd love exists and is out there. My daughter so wants me to find love again, she's not pushing me though, she just wants me to have a loving relationship again when I'm ready.

[Chocolate]

5 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

That's so lovely that you found another relationship that was meaningful Chocolate. My mom died and my dad was widowed when I was 4, he remarried when I was 24. Then his 2nd wife died of cancer 10 yrs later. He then found love for a 3rd time in his 70's and eloped of all things when he was 81! They're still going strong and he is now 93. It's kind of inspiring to see, and to know that the possibility of a 2nd love exists and is out there. My daughter so wants me to find love again, she's not pushing me though, she just wants me to have a loving relationship again when I'm ready.

I'd been divorced twice before I met my boyfriend.  Although I loved him dearly, if he had not died I would have probably ended it eventually.  He was a practicing alcoholic.  My husband who just passed had also been married twice before.  He was the other half of me.  With him, he just showed up when I was doing something I needed and wanted to do.  It was the same for him.  After my dad died, Mom (65) was alone for 18 years. She didn't want anyone but Dad. Then she found a man at church.  They married. Two years later he died.  She then married the widower of my dad's niece, a long time friend.  He died a couple of years later.  Once she was in the nursing home she fell in love again.  The man was a sweetheart.  He passed away, and she said, "Why do they always leave me?" About a year later she died at age 91.

[Boho-Soul]

Wow, living with someone with an addiction must be so hard. My late husband was diagnosed with a mental illness and chose not to be treated or medicated for years. It took a toll on our married to the point of him saying we should go our sperate ways. I dug in my heels and we went to therapy. Even when he finally did go on medication his thoughts didn't seem like his own. Just 5 months before he died he said we should end things, it hit me hard. I don't know where we would be if he had lived.

You mom's relationship story is incredible! She now has many souls to reconnect with up in Heaven.

[Chocolate]

3 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Wow, living with someone with an addiction must be so hard. My late husband was diagnosed with a mental illness and chose not to be treated or medicated for years. It took a toll on our married to the point of him saying we should go our sperate ways. I dug in my heels and we went to therapy. Even when he finally did go on medication his thoughts didn't seem like his own. Just 5 months before he died he said we should end things, it hit me hard. I don't know where we would be if he had lived.

You mom's relationship story is incredible! She now has many souls to reconnect with up in Heaven.

How awful for you relative to your husband.  How long were you together?  No wonder that you'd like to find a new relationship.  You didn't have what some of us here have had. When did he pass away?

I didn't live with my boyfriend.  We were at his apartment sometimes and sometimes at my house.  I didn't see much of the addictive behavior, but as the relationship progressed I realized where it might be headed.  The drinking destroyed his pancreas.  He drank instead of ate, at times.  The tumor was in the pancreas and wrapped around his liver.  It progressed very rapidly.  He was basically a good soul. His drinking started after his mother died when he was 21.

[Boho-Soul]

30 minutes ago, Chocolate said:

How awful for you relative to your husband.  How long were you together?  No wonder that you'd like to find a new relationship.  You didn't have what some of us here have had. When did he pass away?

It was very difficult at times, just to see him is such a severe depressive state, and was at times traumatic - so no, I did not have what many here talk about. We were married for 16 yrs. The last 10 being the hardest. As you said about your boyfriend, my Michael was a good soul and a quality man. That's what made it so hard to leave when he suggested it. I knew his core self, that's who I dated, I just wanted that part of him back. He passed December 10, 2020, so coming up on 2 yrs. Strange thing is I still don't have cause of death - that's another saga in another thread - so that's been hard. As well, his illness manifested into a hoarding scenario in our 2 properties which is now my responsibility to clean up. I initially told my therapist I have to untangle myself from his mental illness, it's been part of my healing.

Thanks for your responses Chocolate ☺️

[Chocolate]

8 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

It was very difficult at times, just to see him is such a severe depressive state, and was at times traumatic - so no, I did not have what many here talk about. We were married for 16 yrs. The last 10 being the hardest. As you said about your boyfriend, my Michael was a good soul and a quality man. That's what made it so hard to leave when he suggested it. I knew his core self, that's who I dated, I just wanted that part of him back. He passed December 10, 2020, so coming up on 2 yrs. Strange thing is I still don't have cause of death - that's another saga in another thread - so that's been hard. As well, his illness manifested into a hoarding scenario in our 2 properties which is now my responsibility to clean up. I initially told my therapist I have to untangle myself from his mental illness, it's been part of my healing.

Thanks for your responses Chocolate ☺️

You're welcome. As I see it, the one thing we can do is to use our downs to help others up, if possible.

I could always see the good in people, but the bad in them would sometimes mess me over.  Odd that you don't know the cause of death.  Was he at home when it happened?  Were you with him when he died?  Just remember that sometimes a person has to walk through a lot of poop to get to the meadow filled with flowers. The poop can help the flowers grow.

[Boho-Soul]

3 minutes ago, Chocolate said:

Odd that you don't know the cause of death.  Was he at home when it happened?  Were you with him when he died? 

Ya, our provincial health care has been overwhelmed since the pandemic, even before really.

I'll give a shorten version of what happened. So 5 weeks before died he was in a bike accident and fractured his leg in 2 places which required surgery. That went well and he was at home convalescing, I took time off work to be with him as he couldn't weigh-bear. He had 2 cast changes and all was going well. Then one morning I woke up to him moaning in terrible pain, not sure why because he'd been off his pain meds for almost 3 week by this time. He said he was extremely nauseous. I instantly called 911. He was struggling to breath and I'm pretty sure I saw him take his last breath, which freaked me out, but within the same minute fire and EMS arrived. They said they couldn't find a heart beat, gave him something, stated he was stable and off he went to hospital. I couldn't go because of Covid. My sister came and drove me when I got the ok to come to the hospital, but when I arrive I was told he didn't make it. Initial autopsy showed he didn't have a heart attack, stroke or infection and they couldn't detect any blood clots, so it went to secondary autopsy for pathologies etc. I was told that would take 6-12 months, it's now been over 21 months and I'm still waiting. It's hard for a lot of reasons, but it's frustrating because I can't warp up legal stuff like processing his life insurance policy. The whole scenario around his death seems like a a horrific dream and it some ways it still doesn't seem real. Strange thing is I feel more sad for him than me because his final years were so awful for him, and all I wanted was for him to have a joyful life.

[Chocolate]

6 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Ya, our provincial health care has been overwhelmed since the pandemic, even before really.

I'll give a shorten version of what happened. So 5 weeks before died he was in a bike accident and fractured his leg in 2 places which required surgery. That went well and he was at home convalescing, I took time off work to be with him as he couldn't weigh-bear. He had 2 cast changes and all was going well. Then one morning I woke up to him moaning in terrible pain, not sure why because he'd been off his pain meds for almost 3 week by this time. He said he was extremely nauseous. I instantly called 911. He was struggling to breath and I'm pretty sure I saw him take his last breath, which freaked me out, but within the same minute fire and EMS arrived. They said they couldn't find a heart beat, gave him something, stated he was stable and off he went to hospital. I couldn't go because of Covid. My sister came and drove me when I got the ok to come to the hospital, but when I arrive I was told he didn't make it. Initial autopsy showed he didn't have a heart attack, stroke or infection and they couldn't detect any blood clots, so it went to secondary autopsy for pathologies etc. I was told that would take 6-12 months, it's now been over 21 months and I'm still waiting. It's hard for a lot of reasons, but it's frustrating because I can't warp up legal stuff like processing his life insurance policy. The whole scenario around his death seems like a a horrific dream and it some ways it still doesn't seem real. Strange thing is I feel more sad for him than me because his final years were so awful for him, and all I wanted was for him to have a joyful life.

It sounds to me like it was a blood clot, even though they said it wasn't.  Have you contacted an attorney?  Sometimes they are the only ones who can sort it through.  Maybe an attorney would do it for part of the life insurance.

[Boho-Soul]

1 minute ago, Chocolate said:

It sounds to me like it was a blood clot, even though they said it wasn't.  Have you contacted an attorney?  Sometimes they are the only ones who can sort it through.  Maybe an attorney would do it for part of the life insurance.

Yup, that's what people are saying. I have a friend who is a nurse and she thought blood clot too. I was told that he was given anti-clotting medication, I think that's what they injected in him before they left for the hospital. I think he had a blood clot too, the blood clot won and the anti-clotting meds dissipated the clot so it wasn't detectable. That said, they have to prove that through fine tissue testing to ensure accurate cause of death. I did contact a lawyer at my mother-in-law's request but was told his case is in the cue and there was nothing they could do in regards to speeding up the autopsy results. The life insurance can only be processed once they have cause of death, so a lawyer can't do anything there either. Trust me, I've tried every angle except going to the media to put it on the local news. Not doing that, I've got enough going on already.

[Chocolate]

10 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Yup, that's what people are saying. I have a friend who is a nurse and she thought blood clot too. I was told that he was given anti-clotting medication, I think that's what they injected in him before they left for the hospital. I think he had a blood clot too, the blood clot won and the anti-clotting meds dissipated the clot so it wasn't detectable. That said, they have to prove that through fine tissue testing to ensure accurate cause of death. I did contact a lawyer at my mother-in-law's request but was told his case is in the cue and there was nothing they could do in regards to speeding up the autopsy results. The life insurance can only be processed once they have cause of death, so a lawyer can't do anything there either. Trust me, I've tried every angle except going to the media to put it on the local news. Not doing that, I've got enough going on already.

I'd try a different attorney.  Maybe the one you got wasn't any good.  Sometimes it takes a shark of an attorney to get things done.  How are you getting by?  At least your mother-in-law is on your side.  Are there bills to pay related to his medical treatment or does socialized medicine pay for it all. 

[Boho-Soul]

1 minute ago, Chocolate said:

I'd try a different attorney.  Maybe the one you got wasn't any good.  Sometimes it takes a shark of an attorney to get things done.  How are you getting by?  At least your mother-in-law is on your side.  Are there bills to pay related to his medical treatment or does socialized medicine pay for it all. 

Well I could, but I've got so much going on, and I don't think I have the mental capacity to deal with an attorney about this. I just finished cleaning and repairing the studio so I can rent it out, now I'm working through all the stuff in my house. I'm also trying to heal as the trauma and grief of all this manifested itself physically, so I've been trying to heal my body. I've got a great healing team now so I'm doing so much better.

I have no medical bills which is such a blessing. I live in Canada so our health care is funded and administered to our 13 provinces and territories. Living on long-term disability right now until I'm fit enough to return to work so funds are tight, especially with the cost of everything rising. It'll be great when the financial stuff goes through and I can stop digging a deep hole in my dwindling savings account. It will be good when I'm back to work too, but I need to be well enough to do so. I provide pediatric therapy, so I've got to be in a healthy state before returning back to work.

 

[Chocolate]

3 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Well I could, but I've got so much going on, and I don't think I have the mental capacity to deal with an attorney about this. I just finished cleaning and repairing the studio so I can rent it out, now I'm working through all the stuff in my house. I'm also trying to heal as the trauma and grief of all this manifested itself physically, so I've been trying to heal my body. I've got a great healing team now so I'm doing so much better.

I have no medical bills which is such a blessing. I live in Canada so our health care is funded and administered to our 13 provinces and territories. Living on long-term disability right now until I'm fit enough to return to work so funds are tight, especially with the cost of everything rising. It'll be great when the financial stuff goes through and I can stop digging a deep hole in my dwindling savings account. It will be good when I'm back to work too, but I need to be well enough to do so. I provide pediatric therapy, so I've got to be in a healthy state before returning back to work.

 

I'm not sure what a healing team is, nor do I know what pediatric therapy is.  You certainly are dealing with a lot.  Do you have kids?  It doesn't sound like it.  I read in you profile that you live in Canada, hence the socialized medicine comment.  How long do you think it will be before you return to work? I live in the U.S..