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Our Soulmates Cannot be Replaced


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12 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

I thank you too. When you go through big life events sometimes all you want is for someone to acknowledge that is some capacity.

This is so true.  Often times people don't know what to say, so they don't say anything at all - That adds to the pain and heartache.

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On 9/17/2022 at 11:23 AM, Boho-Soul said:

I'm with you on not wanting to be alone nashreed. I'm perfectly fine having my alone time and solitude, and I don't 'Need' someone, but man would it be nice to come home to someone and share my day with, to have meaningful conversations, or just hang and watch Netflix. I really miss the simplicities of having someone in my life.

I feel like this every time I think of Steve.  How simple life was by being together.  I ban barely handle a roommate much less the thought of another romantic interest.    He was the center of my world for over 30 years.  I know that can’t e refilled.  It’s the only kind of l know and trust.  Being disabled now really changes things..  I’m too old for the dating thing.  That was for when I was discovering myself and others  that fit.  Now I’m formed and found  I haven’t the interest n anyone else.  Maybe if I were younger.  Definitely not now.

 

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55 minutes ago, Chocolate said:

Often times people don't know what to say, so they don't say anything at all - That adds to the pain and heartache.

Yes, when nothing is said you feel even more isolated. Even if they said, "I don't even know what to say, but I'm glad you told me," then I'd feel heard. But rarely will a response makes something better. What makes something better is connection. That's the difference between sympathy and empathy. Sympathy is acknowledging that someone is going through something hard, empathy is connecting and trying to understand someone's emotions around something hard, and feeling with them. 

image.png.22f4ee02e68fe2d97330b982567fa962.png

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40 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Yes, when nothing is said you feel even more isolated. Even if they said, "I don't even know what to say, but I'm glad you told me," then I'd feel heard. But rarely will a response makes something better. What makes something better is connection. That's the difference between sympathy and empathy.

 

Gwenivere, yes when someone is the center of your world for 30 years, the void can't be filled with someone else.  My husband was with me for 31.

Boho-Soul, I hear you about sympathy, empathy and just being heard.

Some people say to just give it to God, and then they don't contact you again.  If they believe in God, then they know that that God does not have skin we can touch, so that would make people God's skin and if a person needs a hug, then it has to be a person who does it.  I believe in all-that-is, and all-that-is has a lot of skin, and could hug me if it was sentient and aware.

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1 hour ago, Boho-Soul said:

Yes, when nothing is said you feel even more isolated. Even if they said, "I don't even know what to say, but I'm glad you told me," then I'd feel heard. But rarely will a response makes something better. What makes something better is connection. That's the difference between sympathy and empathy. Sympathy is acknowledging that someone is going through something hard, empathy is connecting and trying to understand someone's emotions around something hard, and feeling with them. 

image.png.22f4ee02e68fe2d97330b982567fa962.png

Very, very spot on. That's what's missing in my life- empathy. Annette was the best listener. She was always there for her sister and father. She always listened to them, but they never seemed to ask about how she was. People are selfish. 

Most of you here have some friends, community, and/or children (for better or worse). I have a mother and brother who have no empathy whatsoever. How do I spend the rest of my life with no one that cares? I can't even keep one lousy friend? It's really hard to see the point of living. 

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4 minutes ago, nashreed said:

Very, very spot on. That's what's missing in my life- empathy. Annette was the best listener. She was always there for her sister and father. She always listened to them, but they never seemed to ask about how she was. People are selfish. 

Most of you here have some friends, community, and/or children (for better or worse). I have a mother and brother who have no empathy whatsoever. How do I spend the rest of my life with no one that cares? I can't even keep one lousy friend? It's really hard to see the point of living. 

You find them here, in places like this.  There are some really good people here. 

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3 hours ago, Chocolate said:

Some people say to just give it to God, and then they don't contact you again. 

What they usually told me was, "Life is a journey."  Essentially parroting four-word phrases that get uttered all too often, as something they heard in a movie, I suppose.  I promised myself I would never say these words to another grieving person.

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1 hour ago, nashreed said:

You're all I have, good folks. Of course, you can't hug in cyberspace. It's connection, but still impersonal, in a way. I suppose if you actually knew me in real life, you all would leave me too. 

I get that the connections we all have here is somewhat impersonal, a virtual hug from a virtual friend just isn't the same as a real one. I feel I've got to know you more as a person nashreed. You've demonstrated kindness and consideration to other members, show great understanding and have provided support to many. If I met you in real life I can't see why I would drop you as a friend. Some of my former friends didn't demonstrate those traits when my life became chaotic. Those characteristics aren't that common, so I can't see myself dropping a friend if they demonstrated the above qualities.   

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1 hour ago, nashreed said:

True. You're all I have, good folks. Of course, you can't hug in cyberspace. It's connection, but still impersonal, in a way. I suppose if you actually knew me in real life, you all would leave me too. 

Yes, it is impersonal.  A virtual hug is not the same.  But at least we know that there are other good people out there.  Now, I would just like to find others of like mind that I can spend a little time with off and on.  Most of the people I knew like that before have passed away. 

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Boho, your post and illustrator are SO spot on.  I know how both are.  Sympathy can suck.  We need to feel people want to get more involved.  I can get sympathy at the grocery store.  But someone wanting to actually care and connect is warming.  I’ve heard the words ‘I’m sorry' so many times.  The sentiment is appreciated, but it isn’t important to them.  Socially being polite.  I have to confess I did that before I experienced it myself as far as partners.  Losing parents i can connect to.  Very rare to find payola who will sit that hole with you.

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17 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 I’ve heard the words ‘I’m sorry' so many times.  The sentiment is appreciated, but it isn’t important to them.  Socially being polite.

I agree with you, the "I'm so sorry," response is just an appropriate social nicety, and can often feel empty. Too bad empathy can't be taught along with manners when growing up. It would make for a more caring society.

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11 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

James, I don’t know why you try and convince  us we would desert you if we met you.  You don’t know that plus it’s you judging yours. Elf, not us .  Like you want us to feel that way.  Sorry, our choice.

Yup, our choice my friend. I think if any of us meet we'd be friends, the connections of friendship have been made.

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14 hours ago, Chocolate said:

that would make people God's skin and if a person needs a hug, then it has to be a person who does it.

https://www.spiritualityandpractice.com/book-reviews/view/19057/god-with-skin-on
 

13 hours ago, nashreed said:

Very, very spot on. That's what's missing in my life- empathy. Annette was the best listener. She was always there for her sister and father. She always listened to them, but they never seemed to ask about how she was. People are selfish. 

Most of you here have some friends, community, and/or children (for better or worse). I have a mother and brother who have no empathy whatsoever. How do I spend the rest of my life with no one that cares? I can't even keep one lousy friend? It's really hard to see the point of living. 

One of my best friends I met here on this site many years ago.  We live clear across the country from each other, him in a huge city, me in the country mountains.  But we're best friends.  Sometimes just sharing from the heart is the best way to connect with someone and that can be done online.  We talk maybe once a week.  It helps me so much to have him to reach out to.  Nothing romantic, just a connection between two people.  We share values, beliefs, that's a huge part of it.

13 hours ago, nashreed said:

if you actually knew me in real life, you all would leave me too.

You can't speak for others.  Don't bank on that! ;)

8 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

"I'm so sorry," response is just an appropriate social nicety, and can often feel empty.

It is in expanding upon that and truly listening that we make connection.

 

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On 9/17/2022 at 10:44 PM, V. R. said:

What a lovely job you have Boho, must give you so much satisfaction, I do hope you get back  to helping all those wonderful children very soon. They need you and you must have such a great relationship with them, I'm sure they're missing you. 

Yes, my job is extremely rewarding, I benefit as much as the kids I work with. My plan is to return back to work next year, just not exactly sure when. My therapist doesn’t want me to rush back to soon and hit burnout again. I agree.

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16 hours ago, nashreed said:

suppose if you actually knew me in real life, you all would leave me too. 

No, sorry, you're wrong! . Just like our friends have just said, you may  think that, we don't. Even by saying these words (that we don't agree with) , it shows you are a decent  person unafraid to show your feelings and opinions, this gives you credit. 

I wouldn't have replied to your posts if I thought you were a' jerk'. 😏

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I appreciate it. I didn't mean to insult anyone. I'm truly sorry. In real life, I can't make friends, and the grade school friend I had in town has stopped being my friend. I don't know the reason. I just assume it's my personality, and it doesn't help that I have the general demeanor of loss and grief permeating my aura. 

I have nothing if not brutal honesty. Unfortunately, I also have no filter- and I'm afraid that I hurt Annette with words more times than I care to admit. She was sensitive, and I enjoy sarcasm and word games. Annette was so sweet and gullible- I thought it was cute to "fool" her, but I was just cruel. That's one of the reasons I have such a low opinion of myself. I don't think I'm a good person. I'm bitter and very awkward and unable to express any feelings but negative ones now. Most days all I have are interactions mixed with arguing with my ridiculous Facebook "friends" who are Trumpers. 

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41 minutes ago, nashreed said:

I appreciate it. I didn't mean to insult anyone. I'm truly sorry. In real life, I can't make friends, and the grade school friend I had in town has stopped being my friend. I don't know the reason. I just assume it's my personality, and it doesn't help that I have the general demeanor of loss and grief permeating my aura. 

I have nothing if not brutal honesty. Unfortunately, I also have no filter- and I'm afraid that I hurt Annette with words more times than I care to admit. She was sensitive, and I enjoy sarcasm and word games. Annette was so sweet and gullible- I thought it was cute to "fool" her, but I was just cruel. That's one of the reasons I have such a low opinion of myself. I don't think I'm a good person. I'm bitter and very awkward and unable to express any feelings but negative ones now. Most days all I have are interactions mixed with arguing with my ridiculous Facebook "friends" who are Trumpers. 

I have a tendency to be blunt also.  If you feel a negative reaction coming on, as the old timers used to say, bite your tongue.  But it might not be you at all.  We've lived through/are living through a time when hate has been used to manipulate people.  This brought those who like to hate out from under the rocks.  You can learn to overcome what you consider negative in you.  I've certainly been doing that with myself.  Hang in.🙂  Regarding the Facebook arguments I'd suggest not going there.  I don't. It's kind of pointless.

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55 minutes ago, nashreed said:

I have nothing if not brutal honesty. Unfortunately, I also have no filter- and I'm afraid that I hurt Annette with words more times than I care to admit. She was sensitive, and I enjoy sarcasm and word games. Annette was so sweet and gullible- I thought it was cute to "fool" her, but I was just cruel. That's one of the reasons I have such a low opinion of myself. I don't think I'm a good person. I'm bitter and very awkward and unable to express any feelings but negative ones now.

I read somewhere that sarcasm is a passive-aggressive way to avoid confrontation.

It's hard to hear you have a low opinion of yourself James. Your self-awareness is great though, it's the first step if you wish to change your behaviour. The most powerful skill to unwind that inner critic that tells you you're not a good person is to practice self compassion and focus on your good qualities. You've got to train that inner critic to be more supportive. 

And I would dump those Facebook 'friends.' As they say, "You become part of what you're around." Arguing on Facebook doesn't sound like a healthy space to be in.

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3 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

I read somewhere that sarcasm is a passive-aggressive way to avoid confrontation.

I

 

Sarcasm isn't necessarily passive-aggressive.  Sometime a person needs to say it sarcastically, otherwise the other person doesn't hear what needs to be said at all.  It's a very individual response.

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You are correct Boho. I would rather eat my own hand than have a confrontation. My Mom is the master of passive-aggressiveness. 

Right now, I just don't see any reason to change myself. I'm just so down. Where I live is a big reason I'm so negative. I go out to have my little walk and talk with Annette behind the office here at the mobile park, and guess what!- a homeless person laying back there shouting at himself. I have no tools to deal with mentally ill homeless people and to have a retail job here in this town means that you deal with them daily, and I can't deal with that stress. Just my own encounter with a crazy lady at the storage unit the other day showed me that as much as I want to be aloof and uncaring, I still have a massive panic attack just trying to stay calm dealing with a stranger who is unpredictable and potentially violent. 

The person that I argue with the most on Facebook is actually a former high school teacher (who ran the school paper and I was on the "staff") whom I respect a great deal and it angers and saddens me that he believes the crap that is going around, all the stupid conspiracy theories and "don't trust the news". It's what killed my father-in-law (being a vaccine denier). I know you can't change minds. My only goal is to show others that are maybe reading these exchanges how ridiculous he sounds. It's an exercise in choosing words carefully. 

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I've never considered joining Facebook, it just doesn't appeal to me at all. I'm happy conversing with all of you here on this site, I was always a bit of a 'loner' when I was a teenager/twenties, I was the type that felt uncomfortable being part of a group of friends, I always ended up hardly ever talking, just listening and nodding my head. I always just had one or two good  friends and then when I met my husband, he miraculously helped me gain confidence in myself. Like I've said before, we were everything to each other, didn't really need other friends, we were a team,total togetherness. I just feel now that this better part of me has gone with him and now I'm crumbling, not knowing who I am anymore. 

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12 minutes ago, V. R. said:

I've never considered joining Facebook, it just doesn't appeal to me at all. I'm happy conversing with all of you here on this site, I was always a bit of a 'loner' when I was a teenager/twenties, I was the type that felt uncomfortable being part of a group of friends, I always ended up hardly ever talking, just listening and nodding my head. I always just had one or two good  friends and then when I met my husband, he miraculously helped me gain confidence in myself. Like I've said before, we were everything to each other, didn't really need other friends, we were a team,total togetherness. I just feel now that this better part of me has gone with him and now I'm crumbling, not knowing who I am anymore. 

I understand about all the two of you needed was each other and now you feel that part of you has gone with him. That's where he and I were and where I am now.  We still are part of each other.  What I'm working on is transcending the enormity of the loss, so I can be more in touch with him, so the communication is better, so that I can learn and grow through this.  He is heart of my heart, soul of my soul, mind of my mind. 

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3 hours ago, Chocolate said:

So I can be more in touch with him, so the communication is better, so that I can learn and grow through this.  He is heart of my heart, soul of my soul, mind of my mind. 

Beautiful words. I wish I could communicate better. Or that he could communicate better when I see him in my dreams (average, once each 2 months). When I ask him a question (usually the same Qs) he doesn't reply and I wake up.

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