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Scariest Part of Being Alone?


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22 minutes ago, nashreed said:

Wow, Chocolate, that's quite a journey you've been on, spiritually and emotionally. 

I wish I could find more peace, to connect better with nature and the spiritual world- but I can't turn my mind off. Material concerns and anxiety have me feeling like a ghost- a spirit in the material world. 

Have you tried meditation?  It takes practice, but it can help calm the mind.  There are all kinds of meditation videos on YouTube.  You could look up guided meditation.  You could look up mindfulness meditation on YouTube.  Mindfulness involves being in the present moment.  I do some of that. 

We are, after all, spirits living in a material world. So what you are feeling is natural.  I know this is hard, probably one of the hardest things we will ever do.  Don't be too hard on yourself for being where you are.  You say your interest is music.  What kind of music?  Do you play an instrument and/or sing?  The kind of music that works best to calm me is what I call New Age Classical.  Some of the musicians I like best in that genre are Deuter, Phil Coulter, Gheorge Zamfir, Bernward Koch and a number of others. They can soothe the savage mind...at least they soothe mine.  Sometimes when I can't turn off my mind it's because of what I've eaten and when.  I have chronic hypoglycemia - low blood sugar.  I have a heck of a time sleeping because of the blood sugar and my grief.

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I don't think I've ever really seriously attempted meditation. I guess I have a lot of PTSD from being a caregiver for my wife. I'm always "on alert" or on edge is more like it- anticipating the worst, even when I'm trying to be aloof. I live with my 86 year old mother and even though she is able bodied and not doing bad, she's having more "senior moments" than I'd like- dropping things, forgetting things, but not to an abnormal degree. I'm just super hyper-aware of everything, and to meditate and to be so relaxed actually scares me. 

I have no musical talent, but I have a decent stereo and listening to music "resets" my brain, so to speak. I have (I suspect) undiagnosed Autism and anxiety, so when listening to music everything has to sound "right". All instruments and sounds in their correct position on the stereo spectrum (I'm hyper aware to the stereo imaging when it's off). I find the most relaxing music for me is the music of my youth: 80's new wave, Paul McCartney, Morrissey. I will listen to anything except Classical and certain pop/boy bands. I can listen to New Age but I Iisten to recording details and sound quality, not to "relax". I have Type 2 Diabetes, but I was like this waaay before I was diagnosed. And I have virtually no patience to meditate. It's really something I should try, but it is hard for someone like me. 

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3 minutes ago, nashreed said:

I don't think I've ever really seriously attempted meditation. I guess I have a lot of PTSD from being a caregiver for my wife. I'm always "on alert" or on edge is more like it- anticipating the worst, even when I'm trying to be aloof. I live with my 86 year old mother and even though she is able bodied and not doing bad, she's having more "senior moments" than I'd like- dropping things, forgetting things, but not to an abnormal degree. I'm just super hyper-aware of everything, and to meditate and to be so relaxed actually scares me. 

I have no musical talent, but I have a decent stereo and listening to music "resets" my brain, so to speak. I have (I suspect) undiagnosed Autism and anxiety, so when listening to music everything has to sound "right". All instruments and sounds in their correct position on the stereo spectrum (I'm hyper aware to the stereo imaging when it's off). I find the most relaxing music for me is the music of my youth: 80's new wave, Paul McCartney, Morrissey. I will listen to anything except Classical and certain pop/boy bands. I can listen to New Age but I Iisten to recording details and sound quality, not to "relax". I have Type 2 Diabetes, but I was like this waaay before I was diagnosed. And I have virtually no patience to meditate. It's really something I should try, but it is hard for someone like me. 

I understand about PTSD because of caring for your wife.  I have some of that relative to caring for my husband.  But for you, you are still living the stress because of caring for your mom.  The reason I suggested guided meditation is that it's easier to do if there is someone there walking you through it, step by step.  As for your Diabetes diagnosis....the medical community lags behind.  I had to go the a naturopath to get my hypoglycemia diagnosed.  They gave me a 6 hour glucose tolerance test.  The medical community just thinks low blood sugar is related to diabetes.  Well, it can turn into diabetes, but it does not have to.  I've controlled mine with diet for nearly 50 years.

I noticed there's a lag time on this site as to when something is posted, the online person is notified and when it arrives in my inbox.  I was notified of your latest post while on here.  I looked for it.  It wasn't there. I had to get off line and then come back a little later to read it.

I like John Denver a lot.  I was upset when he died prematurely.

Hang in.

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Thank you. Another reason I would have trepidation about doing meditation is because my family would be completely aghast and against anything "hippie-dippy" in their view. I certainly would have to be doing alone. Annette would have been there for me with something like that, but I have no one now. 

I see you like soft rock. I love me some 70's mellow singer-songwriters. I'm not a big John Denver fan- something about his voice. But Gordon Lightfoot, Jim Croce, Bread.... All awesomeness. But it's not just "mellow" music that I can relax to. I can relax to Heavy Metal if it sounds good. 

I often wonder about my health, and if I don't take care of it, would that be considered a type of suicide. I don't eat great, though my A1C is good. Just what constitutes suicide? I know if I went into kidney failure, I would refuse dialysis- Annette always said she would have too. I just don't want to live that badly, but is that suicide if you refuse something that would prolong your life? I'm scared to death of not being able to be with Annette when I die, certainly much more worried about that than actual dying. 

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24 minutes ago, nashreed said:

Thank you. Another reason I would have trepidation about doing meditation is because my family would be completely aghast and against anything "hippie-dippy" in their view. I certainly would have to be doing alone. Annette would have been there for me with something like that, but I have no one now. 

I see you like soft rock. I love me some 70's mellow singer-songwriters. I'm not a big John Denver fan- something about his voice. But Gordon Lightfoot, Jim Croce, Bread.... All awesomeness. But it's not just "mellow" music that I can relax to. I can relax to Heavy Metal if it sounds good. 

I often wonder about my health, and if I don't take care of it, would that be considered a type of suicide. I don't eat great, though my A1C is good. Just what constitutes suicide? I know if I went into kidney failure, I would refuse dialysis- Annette always said she would have too. I just don't want to live that badly, but is that suicide if you refuse something that would prolong your life? I'm scared to death of not being able to be with Annette when I die, certainly much more worried about that than actual dying. 

Why do you care what your family thinks?  Since your family is not there for you, their opinion is irrelevant, as I see it. The meditation I do comes from the east, not from hippies.  John Denver had a beautiful soul.  I got turned onto his music with the song Take Me Home Country Road.  At the time I was unhappily married and living in the big city for the first time.  I wanted sometime to take me home.  I love his song High Calypso which was for the avid conservationalist Jacques-Yves Cousteau.  Gordon Lightfoot was a jerk.  My husband, his first wife and some friends went to his concert in NY.  His wife went home with Gordon and had an ongoing affair with her.  Gordon would call the house and ask for her. Eventually my husband dumped his cheating wife.  I like Jim Croce and Bread.  I never like Heavy Metal or hard rock.  It grates my soul.

I don't think it's suicide to not eat what you don't like.  But I am sure it could be contributing to the way you feel in terms of what you call Autism symptoms.  I'm sure Annette will come to you when you pass.  She loves you.  She will be there for you, guaranteed.  I don't care about actually dying either.  One of the ways I do fear dying is burning to death, since I live in the area of wild fires that can get out of control quickly.  Being dead is not a problem for me. It comes whether we want it to or not.

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17 hours ago, Chocolate said:

So I know the stages of grief and how it all works. 

The Five Stages of Grief debunked
The 5 Stages of Grief debunked

This was actually written to the terminal and not the dying. There is no order or set stages we go through although most of us do start with shock in the early days, point being, we are all unique and so are our journeys.  We do seems to have enough commonality to relate to each other on these forums though!  I totally get what you're saying and the grief groups being so far, for me it would have been 60 miles one way and after working/commuting all day, no.  I would not spend any time with my dog or having meals if I did.  After many years I started my own group, locally.

 

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15 hours ago, Chocolate said:

I noticed there's a lag time on this site as to when something is posted

I hadn't noticed that, I've been here 17 years, perhaps it was a glitch.

14 hours ago, Chocolate said:

But I am sure it could be contributing to the way you feel in terms of what you call Autism symptoms.

I have a close friend who also has Asperger's, he eats what he wants, I rather doubt it's related to autism but perhaps something James feels.  My sister used to commit "passive suicide" by not taking care of herself, eating all the wrong things (Diabetic, never took her blood sugar, ate pastries, etc) and yes she finally got her wish, she died.

James, you ask about if that can be a form of suicide...yes, but not necessarily always, I'd say the difference being if you are TRYING to commit suicide by not taking care of yourself.  "Taking care of yourself" can be anywhere on the spectrum.  I don't necessarily think everyone has to go to the extreme I have, but for me, I needed to in order to get my Diabetes under control...after 11 years out of control (doing what the "guidelines" are), I knew I needed to take charge and I did.  I do NOT think it's necessarily by following the guidelines though, I think there's a certain willfulness in committing passive suicide...actively seeking it.  My sister sat in her chair since she was retired at age 49 and read, watched tv, talked on the phone, and ate, no exercise, no housekeeping, nothing.  It was not a good "old age," I remember telling her it was going to affect her quality of life, and it did, she had balance problems, took falls, injured herself, landing in the hospital and rehab so many times.  It is hard because I miss her so much and I don't think she thought she had anything to offer, but oh she did!  She was a charmer, a good listener, a storyteller when I was growing up.  In my mind, as a child, I felt she was a fairy!

 

 

 

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14 hours ago, Chocolate said:

One of the ways I do fear dying is burning to death, since I live in the area of wild fires

Absolutely!  Going through Cedar Creek fire right now...two miles from my road, 93,000 acres.  It's one of the most fearsome things...

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5 hours ago, kayc said:

The Five Stages of Grief debunked
The 5 Stages of Grief debunked

This was actually written to the terminal and not the dying. There is no order or set stages we go through although most of us do start with shock in the early days, point being, we are all unique and so are our journeys.  We do seems to have enough commonality to relate to each other on these forums though!  I totally get what you're saying and the grief groups being so far, for me it would have been 60 miles one way and after working/commuting all day, no.  I would not spend any time with my dog or having meals if I did.  After many years I started my own group, locally.

 

Yes, we do share commonality. I find that comforting.  Locally, here people are very different from me.  The town, 2 miles away, is smal, and the folks are not in the same headspace at all.  They never have been.  I can relate to you spending time with your dog.  I sometimes call my cat my dog-cat.  He can be quite attentive.

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5 hours ago, kayc said:

I hadn't noticed that, I've been here 17 years, perhaps it was a glitch.

I have a close friend who also has Asperger's, he eats what he wants, I rather doubt it's related to autism but perhaps something James feels.  My sister used to commit "passive suicide" by not taking care of herself, eating all the wrong things (Diabetic, never took her blood sugar, ate pastries, etc) and yes she finally got her wish, she died.

James, you ask about if that can be a form of suicide...yes, but not necessarily always, I'd say the difference being if you are TRYING to commit suicide by not taking care of yourself.  "Taking care of yourself" can be anywhere on the spectrum.  I don't necessarily think everyone has to go to the extreme I have, but for me, I needed to in order to get my Diabetes under control...after 11 years out of control (doing what the "guidelines" are), I knew I needed to take charge and I did.  I do NOT think it's necessarily by following the guidelines though, I think there's a certain willfulness in committing passive suicide...actively seeking it.  My sister sat in her chair since she was retired at age 49 and read, watched tv, talked on the phone, and ate, no exercise, no housekeeping, nothing.  It was not a good "old age," I remember telling her it was going to affect her quality of life, and it did, she had balance problems, took falls, injured herself, landing in the hospital and rehab so many times.  It is hard because I miss her so much and I don't think she thought she had anything to offer, but oh she did!  She was a charmer, a good listener, a storyteller when I was growing up.  In my mind, as a child, I felt she was a fairy!

 

 

 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister.  I miss mine too. Sometimes I just want to call her up and go have lunch with her.  The phone service to the afterlife is sketchy.

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5 hours ago, kayc said:

Absolutely!  Going through Cedar Creek fire right now...two miles from my road, 93,000 acres.  It's one of the most fearsome things...

So just guessing, you live approximately 80 miles from me by car.  I live on the west side of the Coast Range.  What is the air quality like there now?  I saw on the news last night that the evacuation alert level were low.  Here the air has cleared out.

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18 hours ago, Chocolate said:

The phone service to the afterlife is sketchy.

For sure!  I love that phrasing...

My dog is my life.  He is the sweetest most attentive being...it scares me how attached I've become...it seems everything I get close to gets ripped away...I can't bear to even go there.  He is my life and breath.

Fire now at 110,000 acres.  Can evacuate at any moment...

 

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2 hours ago, kayc said:

Fire now at 110,000 acres.  Can evacuate at any moment...

OH no, not again! . So sorry, it must be terrible putting up with this. We usually have fires all  around  our mountains and hillsides in Summer, (one year, one of our old  huts burned down, there was nothing in it, luckily) but they're not as devastating and large-scale as yours, and this year we've had none at all, due to constant rainfall,the only advantage I suppose. 

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4 hours ago, kayc said:

For sure!  I love that phrasing...

My dog is my life.  He is the sweetest most attentive being...it scares me how attached I've become...it seems everything I get close to gets ripped away...I can't bear to even go there.  He is my life and breath.

Fire now at 110,000 acres.  Can evacuate at any moment...

 

We need to get the afterlife connected to the internet...on a safe channel of course. Grin.  I feel that way about my cat.  If something were to happen to him, I'd be in dire depression like I was at first.  My husband was allergic to dogs.  So we had cats.  This little one when he was about 8 weeks old ran away from his home across the street.  I kept taking him back and he kept returning to us.  So the neighbors said it was okay to keep him.  At the time we had two old cats, who are now gone.

Wow, 110,000 acres.  I didn't see the news last night.  Football replaced the news.  At least it's cooler now.  I sure hope the rain they talked about shows up.  I assume your car is packed up and ready.  Do you have a place you can go?  I have suit cases out, boxes ready to fill and a list of what I would want to take that I can check over. 

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2 hours ago, V. R. said:

OH no, not again! . So sorry, it must be terrible putting up with this. We usually have fires all  around  our mountains and hillsides in Summer, (one year, one of our old  huts burned down, there was nothing in it, luckily) but they're not as devastating and large-scale as yours, and this year we've had none at all, due to constant rainfall,the only advantage I suppose. 

Tell you what, I'll trade you some dry weather for some of your rain.  Deal?

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Very smoky the last two days, air quality 508 in Oakridge, up here it's much worse, not breathable.  And cold, had to get out my winter coat.  112,200 acres yesterday morning, don't have an update today yet.  Next Sunday predicting 80!  Wouldn't need A/C for that and since I took mine down it's a good thing.  I hope the days that follow aren't in the 90s.

I gotcha on the rain!  We got some night before last.  Because of the cloud cover the smoke couldn't clear though.

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3 hours ago, kayc said:

Very smoky the last two days, air quality 508 in Oakridge, up here it's much worse, not breathable.  And cold, had to get out my winter coat.  112,200 acres yesterday morning, don't have an update today yet.  Next Sunday predicting 80!  Wouldn't need A/C for that and since I took mine down it's a good thing.  I hope the days that follow aren't in the 90s.

I gotcha on the rain!  We got some night before last.  Because of the cloud cover the smoke couldn't clear though.

It must be very difficult being there now.  The news says the 90s are over for the year. 

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@ChocolateWhat state are you in?
Air quality yesterday: 543

Kodie got to see his play date yesterday, it'd been two weeks!  They had such a good time!

Panther Kitty did not show up last night, he's been with me 5 months, kind of worried.  I kept checking...nothing.  I hope he's okay.

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6 hours ago, kayc said:

@ChocolateWhat state are you in?
Air quality yesterday: 543

Kodie got to see his play date yesterday, it'd been two weeks!  They had such a good time!

Panther Kitty did not show up last night, he's been with me 5 months, kind of worried.  I kept checking...nothing.  I hope he's okay.

As mentioned in another response to you, I live about 80 miles away to the SW of you.  I'm on the west side of the Oregon Coast range.  I'm protected from some of the intense smoke by the surrounding mountains.

I hope he's okay too.  When the smoke is bad, I do not let my cat out.  When the bobcat is around, I don't let him out either.  It's too dangerous for a number of reasons.

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I didn't when I had regular cats, but this is a feral I started feeding and not like other cats.

He was out on the patio before bedtime.  He seems to know how to take care of himself except as he continues to age I wonder how that will go.  

I think a little farther than 80 miles if at the coast...I'm actually up the mountain from Oakridge...75 miles from a friend in NW Eugene.  2 miles from the edge of the fire to my dead end road.

We get cougars and bears down in the yard, a ways from the patio, which is up a 40' ramp, and he's 30' from that on the far end of the patio.  He knows how to get gone quickly and heads for some nearby bushes that are taller than the house.  

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