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Haley,

Unfortunately, in my beliefs, there is only one person that can answer all of those questions, and that is God.

I know in my heart that God has the whole big picture, there isn't anything going on that He doesn't know aboutt or has planned. I still ask those questions from time to time myself, but I know that it has happened this way for a reason. At first after my wife died I ask those questions, Why me, why would he leave a 7 year old without his mother and so on. I know today though he has a plan for me, I had to experience this for a reason. I don't know what the reason is yet, and I never know until I get to Heaven. A lot of people ask how a loving God could allow something like tthis to happen, but I look at it this way, if she hadn't of died when she did and howe she did, what could of happened next, there is the possibility that something far worse that could of taken place had she lived longer. I know some of this may be difficult to digest, but it is what helps me through it all. Knowing that God is watching over me and Carson and is carrying us through this to make us stronger and to live throgh this to possibly help someone else along the way.

God bless you and I will keep you in my prayers

Derek

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Haley,

Many of us ask this same question as we try to incorporate some personal meaning into not only the death, but the meaning of our own lives, which is brought into the forefront when we lose someone close to us. I can only offer some ideas, as each of us has to come to believe whatever we're most comfortable believing or that sustains us. This questioning can lead people either to a faith or belief system, or away from one they are no longer content with.

What I have come to believe answers only part of the questions, but it's a start, and is something that makes more sense to me than other ideas and that, in itself, helps me accept on some level that a death has ocurred. In my view then, I believe that tragedies such as physical death ( but not limited to death ) are not caused by our Creator, but are chosen by us, in one way or another, and this is whether we 'remember' having predecided this 'out' for ourselves or not....usually not. Possibly we have chosen several possible 'outs' during the course of our lives, but for certain reasons we end up taking one over another, sooner versus later, or visa versa. I believe these decisions are made on a soul level, and are based on whether we've learned or accomplished what our souls set out to learn or accomplish before we even incarnated on a physical plane. In some way ( that I don't pretend to know, or remember ), this is done with the blessing, if you will, of our Creator. I believe that since we've forgotten that we are spiritual beings having a physical experience, we cannot possibly know, while we're still in the physical realms, what those lessons were that we came here to learn, although we may pick up clues while still here, if we're committed to staying aware of ourselves during our 'stay' here. It often takes much time to see the bigger picture surrounding these ideas, but I believe I've had clues in my own life that seem to bear out these possibilites.

For example, I've often noticed some pretty tricky yet logical and helpful timing of events in my life which make me more aware of a guiding force behind events. An example of that would be my losses. It seems not only logical to me, but FEELS rightly that I lost my beloved furbaby before I lost my Mother, then brother, and that he left before his remaining sister has. I feel this is right because his dying and physical death taught me many profound things, plus created so much intense pain for me that I was more-or-less forced into continuing my search for meaning as well as many other vitally important things for my life. And because his death was the hardest one for me, yet I'd always been terrified of losing my Mother, the fact that he went first make her passing 'easier' to bear overall. Because of what ocurred both during and after his death, there were already lessons there for me to fall back on. I also believe, with all my heart, that due to the immense love and communion I shared with him while he was still here, this was a huge gift from him, to me, knowing that I would need his lessons to carry on. As well, since he loved his own sister so very much, his 'premature' death propelled me to seek much more care for her than I might have otherwise....another gift from him, but to his sister. It's even more involved than that, but this gives you an idea of how I feel this fits into the grand scheme of things. There have also been a few incredibly serendipitous events throughout my life that seem to have been timed far too perfectly to say they were random....from little things all the way to much bigger things.

So too, I believe physical death falls into the same master plan of soul purpose, event purpose, and even the eventual rejoining of everything that ever lived back into the One Being that Is. Will we be able to actually see all the reasons for the tragedies in our lives before we, too, die? Probably not all of them, as our thinking is far too limited here, but if we see even just a few, it can help to sustain us and give us hope and comfort that all really IS well beneath the surface and that there ARE reasons for even the worst things that happen to any living being. As they say, the fluttering of a butterfly's wings somewhere across the world has a ripple effect on everything that is. I believe the entire universe is far, far more intricate and certainly most intelligent in its design and purpose....we've simply forgotten that it's so.

Edited by Maylissa
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I loved your post, Maylissa. I think everyone asks Why? But you know, I see that we have not been singled out. Everyone loses someone, everyone dies. This helps me. It is a part of life. It's not a part we like, but it is there. I know it was equally hard for my one aunt to lose her husband at 32 as it was for the other aunt to lose hers at 76. The first aunt has now been widowed twice, which boggles my mind. It's not a punishment, it's not because you or the person who died was "bad" or in any way deserved to suffer. I believe we come to learn everything about life -- I believe we have many lives in order to experience everything about life, and death, and that we choose how we leave (usually -- I'm sure accidents and unplanned events due to the free will of others happen). I do believe we come into life to learn certain lessons we set for ourselves. Usually we don't recognize that, and I think some lessons are dependent on our not knowing what's behind the scenes. But I do have a very strong feeling now that my dad is ill that my husband went first to help him. I am having dreams of my husband helping my dad cross over.

Also, I know my husband (former husband, actually) was lonely. He was an only child, and had lost both his parents, all his grandparents and his aunt and uncle. He had no cousins. His partner died of AIDS many years ago. He had great friends, but he was very much alone without any family. I was the closest thing to family he had, and we had been divorced for 20 years. I like to think about how he's never lonely now, he's surrounded by those he loves who are there and can see those of us still living on earth. I do believe they watch over us until it's our time to join them.

I'm sure I'm not aware of all the lessons I was meant to learn from my marriage, my divorce, the reconnection and friendship with him, and his death, but I have learned an enormous amount about love and grief and connection, and I'm sure that was part of it all. I felt that we were both meant to learn about love and how it survives against all odds.

But I do miss him terribly.

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To all

I thank you for the imput I am not sure how to digest it all but I will take time to think about it. I understand everything happens for a reason. I also understand the man above has a plan for each one of us. I also understand that we are here to accomplish things and when we do it is our time to go home, but I have a hard time even thinking about death I can not talk about it I can not think about it I get so scared and frozen when the subject comes up I leave where I am at maybe thats why I am having such a hard time with this? I do not really have the answer. I at this point have no answers on anything.

I also understand that the ones we love above are watching over us and helping in many different ways but I have not come to that yet in my loss

I ask her why she will not talk to me I ask her the same questions I asked everybody here but nothing in return yet.

I can not get the image out of my mind from that day and night I am crushed

the last look on my MOM and all. I know we all lose someone or something that we love and cherish and get hurt by it and it all hurts in the same but different ways even if we are all so different and have know control and we learn from it but right now the only thing I am learning is how to go nuts

Thanks everyone please keep the advice coming

Haley

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Haley,

Maybe your only 'job' right now is to "go nuts", and later learn that you survived that ( at some point in the future ). There's alot to be said for the inner confidence that can bring, even during the next crisis when you're again scared out of your tree.....there's left a part inside that knows you've done it before and came out of it still alive. Despite what I said above, don't get the wrong impression from me....while deeply in grief, I'm feeling as "nuts" as the next person! ;) It's just that now I expect that to happen to me inside and just this education in what to expect in grief helps to ride it out a bit better, and these broader views help sustain me on and off during the process. It's not as neat and tidy a process as we'd prefer, but again, the bigger picture doesn't emerge until later on.

There was a link to an article that Marty just posted....

Illness: A New Perspective on Suffering

....that you may want to read. It was pretty interesting and may help you with some of these broader concepts as well as some of your fears surrounding death. And again, don't get me wrong....I'm at least as afraid of death ( especially my own ) as the next guy, as it still has to do with the great Unknown, and I'm a person who likes to be prepared, not dive into something w/o knowing what to expect....perhaps spontaneity is something I've still got to learn! :P One thing's for sure ~ I KNOW I have to learn, somehow, to stop being so afraid, cuz it's killing me. Since I don't know exactly what happens to our energy once we depart from here, that alone brings up alot of fears. What we think and hope happens may not be what actually happens, or not exactly how we envision it, and until I can have some kind of experiential lesson in that, I haven't conquered what I want to.

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Haley, you are doing the right thing by coming here and talking to us. I too remember in vivid detail the day that Karen died. I don't know if I will ever forget that. I will tell you this, I know where you are coming from when you say right now you are learning how to go nuts. I had one of those times last night, it is normal, however, the times that you go nuts will start to get fewer and the time inbetween will start to get longer. It has only been a little over 3 months for me, but I am already seeing an improvment. I can remember people telling me here that it will get better, but at the time I just couldn't see it. Now I can, just keep coming back.

Derek

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Thank all

I really do take what you all say to me home and think about it not in so many words but if something happens or what ever it like it replies to all that we talk about.

Really I am almost nuts honestly I wish I would just go nuts to get it over with so I can start to feel again I am tired of going numb.

Change in my life is hard to do I am not use to that I like the samethings at the same time I really men that its like I go to bed at the same time pretty much I get up at the same time I drink my coffee at the same time out of the same cup for 10 years really and I am such a routine person and that fits in with my MOM cause I would go by her house everday and just say hi out of my window as I was driving by or I would call or stop and now I have caught my self goingto pick up the phone to call her and I can not. I would love to talk to her again. Don't we all though. I no that i am not alone here in this group and it helps but in life every second that feeling alone sucks and I worry about pleasing everybody that I don't take my problems to anybody I would only go to my MOM and grandma and sister and they all left me my MOM passed and my grandma moved cause her other daughter was bi***ing about her wanting to stay down in florida with me and my sister moved they all have good reasons why well wait my MOM does not have a good reason for leaving me but I want them all back here with me.

Well the week end is here oh boy more time to think. any body doing anything fun and exciting not me. getting ready to move oh boy.

Thanks

Haley

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haley,

just like u, how i wish i would just go nuts too, in order not to feel the pain anymore.

the past few days have not been good. sometimes, i feel so numb, but most of the time, i just cried and cried a lot. im too tired of this pain..

i am trying to understand God's reasons. i have so many 'Whys' too.. i am trying not to lose my faith. i kept asking for His strength.

but i am just too tired to think of anything now..

derek,

im hanging on to what u were saying.."the times that you go nuts will start to get fewer and the time inbetween will start to get longer."

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Ann,

There is a poem out there that is one of my favorites, it is called "Footprints", it talks about this man walking with God on a beach as sceens of his life passed before them. As they walked he noticed that during the rough and trying times of his life there were only one set of footprints. He asked God about this and why during the rough times of his life did God leave him. the Lord said "My precious child, I would never leave you alone. The times in your life that you saw one only set of footprints were the times that I was carrying you."

God is carrying you, me and a lot of others right now. Feel his peace around you he is there. Also remember that a lot of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. What seems like he doesn't answer in reality is it isn't the answer we are looking for. He is giving you the strength, the strength to come to this web site and post your thoughts and feelings, the strength to get up each day, (No matter how late it is). God is here with us guiding us through this life.

May each of us here know that God's arms are around us and feel His peace, only a peace that He can give.

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Thank you derek for reminding me of that beautiful poem..for reminding me that God is actually carrying me through this pain..through this hard times.

it gives me some kind of peace..some hope for the future.

sometimes, in my pain, i failed to see God's love. but people like you, and everyone here help me renew my faith..

hope tomorrow will be a lot better..

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Ok Derek

You hit a bone and man its really hit hard I am thinking and I also loves that peom and it was great I use to read it everyday at least five times a day Whne I got a divorce I left it in the house by mistake but not a big deal. anyway you are right God does love us and take care of us thank him for that everyday I also talk or I should say I try to talk to my MOM but she doesn't answer me that is where I think I have failed her but I am trying I have 3 great boys to raise and my MOM would be so proud of them they are great and keep me going but I still want my mom.

Haley

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