Looking for Romance?

[Sad_Widower]

Greetings fellow mourners.  I have not been on this site in a few days so am
playing catch-up reading all the new posts. There seems to be a lot, and that is good.  While I might not post on here each day, I do endeavor to read as much as I can. As I’ve noted before, you are the only people in the world I communicate with, whom I feel can truly empathize with my pains…and that means a great deal to me.  Please know this. 

To that end, I wanted to throw out a question to you all. I imagine it’s been discussed before and I’ve seen a few of you allude to it in various posts: but here goes…

Are you looking for a romantic companion?
If not actively seeking a companion, are you open to the idea of it? 
Or…do you find idea of being in another romantic relationship repulsive?

For me…I have learned decades ago to “never say never” to anything in the world. With that, I simply do not see myself ever being in another relationship.  I’m not naive enough to think dispel the possibility of a woman I meet in the future garnering feelings fro’ me, but I feel in the rare event it happens, I would purposely prevent myself from acting on it.  So I realize it could happen, but I feel I would purposefully go out of my way to ensure it doesn’t if I notice some of the signs. Hopefully that makes sense. 

Finally, I want to express sometning in that I do not judge anyone when it come to this.  Yes, I am aware of many widowers my age who move to the Philippines and marry a 20 year old who is obviously with them just for their money. I find that cringy and can never understand that, but I don’t judge. 

In my fact my grandfather, whom is the relative I loved the most in the history of my family, started dating a woman when he was in his mid 70’s a few years after losing my grandmother. It confused me and I tried to repress it, but I never judged him for that.  

My thinking if the majority of you have no interest in becoming romantically involved, but who knows. It seems most widows/widowers in their early 50’s want to start a new life…but I dunno. I still want to appreciate and reflect on my old life. 

[V. R.]

I agree totally here, I'm in my 50s too, was 53 when I lost my soulmate almost two years ago and he was only 57. I also agree with your 'never say never", but not in this case, at least not for me. My husband is still my husband, always will be, my wedding ring will stay on my finger forever and I wear his ring on a gold chain around my neck. I can't imagine giving my heart to anyone else, have no desire to, anyway. Still, we are all different, so I won't absolutely judge anyone who doesn't share my feelings. 

 

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

For me…I have learned decades ago to “never say never” to anything in the world. With that, I simply do not see myself ever being in another relationship.

Turning 70 in a couple of weeks...I was 52 when he died.  Highly unlikely!

[Roxi]

After 4 years is only a wish...i'd like have somebody to love again  but i'm not looking for someone...i still looking for him!

I don't think i'm really ready for someone else...i don't know if i will ever ready !

[nashreed]

I feel like a jerk and a chump for saying I would want someone else. I'm just human, but I feel like wanting another relationship makes me look like I didn't love Annette enough. It's never going to happen. The only women who I would probably be able to relate to are widows, and they ain't having any interest in relationships by and large. It's absolutely ridiculous to even entertain the idea, and yet I do. A woman my age would want a provider, security, a sugar daddy. I am none of those things. The great thing with Annette was we were a team and she accepted me for who I was- what I could and couldn't do. I can't even imagine how stupid my dating profile would look. 

I suppose I could have had a fling with the Meth head, crazy woman who wandered over to my indoor storage unit when I was just going through the wreckage of my life (you literally cannot go anywhere in my town without getting hassled for money or something by homeless people), but she was a mess, strung out and I was afraid she might have knifed me. I was sure she was trying to get a ride or something but I didn't want that drama in my car (or the smell). And the Love Search rolls on. 

[Chocolate]

Nope.  When you've had the best, the rest won't do.

[Boho-Soul]

On 9/18/2022 at 10:36 AM, nashreed said:

I feel like a jerk and a chump for saying I would want someone else. I'm just human, but I feel like wanting another relationship makes me look like I didn't love Annette enough. It's never going to happen. The only women who I would probably be able to relate to are widows, and they ain't having any interest in relationships by and large. It's absolutely ridiculous to even entertain the idea, and yet I do. A woman my age would want a provider, security, a sugar daddy. I am none of those things. The great thing with Annette was we were a team and she accepted me for who I was- what I could and couldn't do. I can't even imagine how stupid my dating profile would look. 

Interesting topic. Each one of us have experienced a loss, have our own unique situation, and have lived varied lives. I think everyone's response is valid.

Nashreed, as you said you are only human, so I wouldn't think of you as a jerk because you would like another relationship. You state 3 things you think a woman your age would want. I'm in that age group and those things aren't on my list if I were looking for a new relationship. People want many different things from a relationship.

At some point I would definitely consider a new relationship. It wouldn't be to replaced the one I had, rather it would develop alongside it. My soul has the capacity to love. I love my daughter, my grandson, my friends, my late husband - to me it's part of what makes me 'me'. And I would never ignore or suppress the needs of my soul. If I meet another man and there is a mutual emotional connection I would not deny that. To not allow my soul to love another soul would be like cutting off my oxygen supply. I wouldn't suffocate my soul needs if another love relationship came into my life. My soul needs many things, rest, fun, connection with friends, emotional intimacy in an exclusive relationship. I'm not looking, but when my heart and soul are healed I'm open to the possibilities of another soul connection.

[Kieron]

7 hours ago, nashreed said:

I feel like a jerk and a chump for saying I would want someone else.

James, you are neither of those.  As Boho-Soul says, everyone's life is different.  I've noticed men tend to pair up again after losing their other half, whereas women don't.  And sometimes the reverse happens.  It may be wiring, or gender, or socialization, or just personality, or the type of loss or the duration of it, or the trauma of it, or any combination. 💔

[Boho-Soul]

16 minutes ago, Kieron said:

James, you are neither of those.  As Boho-Soul says, everyone's life is different.  I've noticed men tend to pair up again after losing their other half, whereas women don't.  And sometimes the reverse happens.  It may be wiring, or gender, or socialization, or just personality, or the type of loss or the duration of it, or the trauma of it, or any combination. 💔

The outcome of our lives after loss does not always follow what the stats say. And if men typically pair up again then there are women out there who are pairing up with them.

[Roxi]

10 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

And if men typically pair up again then there are women out there who are pairing up with them.

In another website i was ,we had this argument too...and one of the member made me laugh saying : i don't want to be a nurse or a purse!..meaning that many men looking for an accomodation more than a love relantionship...IMO men do bad alone, more than women...and it's unbelievable how they can find another woman ready to bear some situation! A neighbor of mine known for never wanting to work, while his wife went crazy to support family and children, after a year of widowhood found another woman...and i don't think he changed his lifestyle...

[kayc]

10 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

And if men typically pair up again then there are women out there who are pairing up with them.

Good point!

[Boho-Soul]

2 hours ago, Roxi said:

In another website i was ,we had this argument too...and one of the member made me laugh saying : i don't want to be a nurse or a purse!..meaning that many men looking for an accomodation more than a love relantionship.

I’ve heard that saying before too. Some older men either want a woman to care for them as they age or use them to pay their way financially. It’s a hard no to either scenario for me.

[kayc]

20 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

Some older men either want a woman to care for them as they age

Yep!  That's what I've encountered!  One was a neighbor I barely know, in his 70s, seriously we have nothing in common, I told him I start with "friendship" at least and hadn't dated in many years, and that was the last I heard from him!  I guess he wanted an easy reel!  Ha!  NOT into eating carbs and drinking (like him)! 

[Margm]

On 9/18/2022 at 7:33 PM, Kieron said:

I've noticed men tend to pair up again after losing their other half,

When I went to local grief-share at a local church, I found no men were in the group.  Was not looking for companionship, this was observation-ship.  One woman told me that men remarry.  That was answer enough for her, but having been on this group, I realize sometimes that happens, and with women also.  When a woman was sharing her grief about her son being shot out of his "hunting stand" I knew I was only asking for more depression in a time I had to think of myself.  I left each meeting crying.  I've never considered another partner/romance of any sort.  A bad thing to do, I guess, but I crawled into myself and tried getting out with "girlfriends" but we were not just girls anymore.  Perhaps I preferred to wallow in my grief, and let it go at that.  Still how I feel seven years later.  But, I have got to say this about a "young lady" I know.  She is the manager of my apartments.  She is very business-like, efficient, able to have compassion along with being firm with those who would try to push her over. When I moved in here three years ago she was celebrating her new cowboy marriage, pictures, happiness, etc.  I was happy for her.  Her first husband had passed away a few years before.  Then all of a sudden, she was a widow again.  I was so sorry, but she took appropriate time off, was sort of brusque (of course) in business, not as personable (and can definitely understand.)  Now, three years later her maintenance man told me she had a new "boyfriend."  He was happy for her.  I am happy for her.  Much too young to give up hope, as many of us do, but also, many of us do not want to experience a different "romance."  This is just choice.  No wrongs or rights.  I remember a member with the name of "Cookie" and I think she was thinking of jumping back into the relationship pool.  We have not heard from her, so I can only hope she found happiness again.  I do not know what Heaven is.  I only know my grandmother wrote about her marriage "the only Heaven I knew on Earth" and I hope it is as perfect in Heaven (without all her illness) as it was for her on Earth.  A pure and honest love.  And no, no one could compare with Billy.  I have no thoughts of anything except seeing him again. One other thought, I'm not sure but that he may have looked for other romance.  I'm sure, if my mom had gone first, I'm sure I would have had a stepmother.   

[Gwenivere]

Very powerful post, Marg.  I feel as you do.  There will be no more romance in my life.  I’ve had mine.  This isn’t like my younger days.  Even then Steve was in the picture somewhere.  It wasn’t till I was about 23 that he was the only one.  He even sang at my first wedding.  Why I had to divorce at 25.  I then really saw my love for him.  Took til I was 27 to marry.  It was either that or just date others.  Not be alone yet.  Others can say I might have met someone else, but I don’t think that would have happened.  We were like magnets.  He was the same.  Trying relationships with others that always ended.  Come back to me and leave and back again.  He even cheated on me twice and it wasn’t enough to tear us apart.  Times we thought we didn’t love each other anymore.  Found we were so wrong.  Our love was so tested.  It was also the best thing I ever felt.   I know why call girls will not kiss clients.  It’s more intimate than sex.  I don’t know how my mother remarried from what I knew of her relationship with my father.  She wouldn’t tell me anything about him.  Too much pain.?  She didn’t tell my stepfather or I that her ‘friend' was my aunt.  She was the one that told me all about them and sent me many things he made and pictures, tho I found pictures she had of him in her closet.  My stepdad was my real dad to me.  I was 4 when they married.  I never knew this other man.  My sister did.  She was 13 when he passed.   We grew up like only children.  She just wanted to go back east as that was her home and did.  Anyway, Steve was the one.  There would be no other  I know this in my heart and soul.

 

[kayc]

I don't look for it or expect it, I figure God knows where I live if He wants to send someone my way!  Ha!  In over 17 years, that hasn't happened but life has taught me (Beth and Bob at 84) never say never.

[scba]

I am in the pool of those who are young and might have "more chances". I tell you the dating landscape is somber. My single friends are in relationships (?) with divorced men with kids met on Tinder who don't want to raise a family again. They meet time to time. They go for a weekend getaway. They go out for dinner. But none is part of the life of the other. It is all free and open, for both sides, but nothing too engaging. Nobody wants to deal with past to present drama. There is a so called "No strings attached agreement" on both sides. I think (but I don't say it to them) a man is going to still want to chase a younger woman if he can. 

We are all adults and we know what we need and want and what we can have. 

I have had the best and what I believe has been the Grace from God and my boyfriend gave his life for a future together. I don't see how to go from something life changing, to look for or enter into a dinamic that will make me feel like I have to accept to be a diet yogurt.

None has approached me in these 8 years. Not even an inch. I must have built a wall that others can see and I don't. The introduction statement behind the wall cannot help: I'm a political scientist. I wonder how that sounds today...

I have "practiced" several answers to the "anxiety question": would you like to meet someone? Do you see dating someone in your future? I went from: "what I have seen is me and my boyfriend getting married and raising our family"..to "only if the guy promises me not to die"....I also included God in things like "I know He has a surprise for me in store"..and when none of that works I go with the: "why would someone date ME?". To this question people rehearse multiple answers with no evidence to support them. The answers change to suggestions. And they end with cliché. To these I raise my two eyebrows. Grey's Anatomy has made a lot of damage. 

I have shared Drew Barrymore's recent statements about not being in a relationship and not wanting to have sex. I hope she's not receiving unwanted suggestions. 

I am having a quiet dinner alone. God will do the rest from his store. 

Ana

[Roxi]

4 hours ago, scba said:

I must have built a wall that others can see and I don't

It is so Ana! A wall no one can climb...

We had the best and we want nothing less...

[kayc]

9 hours ago, scba said:

None has approached me in these 8 years. Not even an inch. I must have built a wall that others can see and I don't.

Me either, except for a couple of old men looking for a free caregiver, ha!  I have learned too much in my life to even give that a second glance!  I focus on me and Kodie.  

And as for your being a political scientist, I have nothing but the highest respect!  Keep doing you, if there is another meant to be, he'll present, if not, you do well to focus on your own interests.   JMO from an old lady who has lived and learned.

9 hours ago, scba said:

"why would someone date ME?"

Or better, "Why WOULDN'T someone date you!"

I too had the best, even if I only knew him 6 1/2 years, married 3 years 8 months to the day.  This week marked what would have been our 21st anniversary.

[scba]

4 hours ago, Roxi said:

It is so Ana! A wall no one can climb...

We had the best and we want nothing less...

We had the best and some people want to get into a relationship. I understand and support that. I'm happy at those who have done it. But I'm against the pervading cultural concept that being in a new relationship equals to rebuild your life. That's the motto attached to re-partnered widowed people. What about the rest? Those who can't or don't want to?

 

 

[kayc]

Just yesterday I read on my other grief group from a guy who hadn't been there quite a while about his "Moving On," totally a misnomer!  He may think so, but it will haunt him.  It wasn't that long after his long term wife died that he started looking and found someone.  He may have happiness with her but will still feel, mourn, and miss his first wife, no doubt of that!

[brat#2]

Today is Dale and mine 40th anniversary and I still am married to him in my mind, heart and soul.  I too have no desire to look for a new relationship as I'm still in a relationship with my love and soul mate, just hate that he's not here in person to share this day with me.  I miss him so..... Joyce

[Widow2015]

Joyce: I so understand the sadness you are feeling today.  Even though the years come and go, the emptiness still lingers.  Hugs, Dee.😢 

[Gwenivere]

Joyce, I know this is a very hard day.  Grief takes the happy and poisons it.  Just like their birthdays and holidays.  It also gives us a passing date that never existed.  Wishing you the warm and loving hugs.  💕

[Margm]

I still feel there is someone for everyone.  I found mine, like the others, I'm still married, though I do have to put "widow" on some things. My son was married nine years, two children, they were so young and I'm afraid I interfered or he would not have gotten married.  It was another place in time.  They both were so young and she did run around on him, he did not, but he was not blameless.  Next he went with a young lady for nine years.  They tried living together and could not, but could still date "because she was one who would not run around on him."  Unfortunately, he was wrong, and I had learned not to interfere.  Now, at his age, he is not interested.  I wish he was. He lives/sleeps in one end of the mobile home and his sister lives in the other end.  He works 11-7, sleeps days and does not find time in between to be interested.  Actually, they get along better than they have with any of their partners. They both say they want a marriage like ours was, but they lived through all our mistakes, they just remember the last 20 years or so.  

My granddaughter is just so beautiful and sweet.  She has had one boyfriend for over a year and he broke up with her.  She innocently believed everything he said, and cannot understand why he lied.  Right now we are looking for another counselor.  I've got to get her to leave the apartment, just to see the sun, before I can do that.  The main thing all the counselors say, "don't push her."  Okay.  I am being good, but can you imagine how much restraint I have to put on myself?  Y'all probably know, but I am actually being good.  

I think if you really want companionship, and I'm not referring to a pet, but if you want someone to share your life with, there is someone for you, if you do not compare them with your "perfect" partner.  I always realized no one could compare to Billy.  He was the most imperfect perfect person for me and it was true, I was him and he was me.  Ana, your young.  I think you will find someone, or someone will find you.  We see people from our group that have disappeared and I believe they are living their life now.  We cannot relive the past.  You will find someone worthy of you and you worthy of them.